Tony Hart welcomes you to 'The GLC
Gallery - Part VII'
"Welcome High-Timers! Tony Hart here - have we got a special treat for you...! Due to the high concentration of top-notch quality material you've sent in, we're now ready to do a bit of a 'bumper edition' of the GLC Gallery for you to drool over. As usual, you haven't let me down and I'm happy to say that my mailbox has more bulges than a busload of perverts. In the words of PJ and Duncan, 'Let's get ready to rumble.....'"
"We begin this special edition with a collection of works from the renowned artist Dirty Holmes. Starting with a piece entitled 'Fags', it's worth elaborating on exactly what the artist formerly known as 'No Shit Sherlock' is trying to say. Like 'Fags', 'GLC Online' is highly addictive, tastes pretty good and damages those tender hearts and minds that might encounter it. One to muse over at teatime"
"This is what I'm talking about! A fine example of 'Care in the Community' - Dirty Holmes back again with an unrepentant view of society today. As always, the GLC Blunt is bringing people from different backgrounds together, regardless of colour of tracksuit, carat of Chain or stability of mind. I understand that the man responsible for this work has already been approached by the Newport Tourist Board on account of his frank depictions of Newport life. Big up yourself, Mr. Holmes"
"Fantastique! 'Casualties of War' was captured by the steady hand of DJ Dog-Sled after a particularly eventful house party in Maindee. It's worth noting that at no time did he touch the lady in question, except to reveal the top part of the torso, to make the picture more glamorous. I myself often feel quite moved and slightly aroused by this uncompromising depiction of the consequences of hedonism"
"I applaud DJ Dog-Sled's conscious efforts to inform society through such pieces as this. I particularly like the 'cause and effect' theme running throughout. On a sensible note, it's worth pointing out that to 'have a good night', one does not necessarily need to disrobe entirely. True, I feel I have been hard done by if I cannot discard at least six items of clothing on any one night out, but encouraging strangers to 'touch the rubber snake' warrants nothing but abuse"
"Good grief! Quite what David Hasselhoff, Gary Coleman and a crazed bath sponge were doing discussing the relative merits of the Chain is beyond me, but even I must admit that this piece deserves deep respect. Dirty Holmes, the celebrities must fear you approaching them with multimedia equipment if these are the works that you create. Once again, I must draw your attention to whatever seems to be happening in the background. I'm unsure as to whether we are watching the depraved attempts of individuals addicted to painting the outside of mansions or if we're witnessing an attempted break and entry, but what I can tell is that a gang of cowboy-hatted, lumberjack shirt-wearing morons armed with ladders is never going to prove an inconspicuous background "
"What was I talking about with regards to Newport and fast food? You may recall my inconclusive comments made in one of the previous GLC Galleries that the 'fine fast food eateries' that inhabit Newport may not be so familiar with regards to 'General Health & Safety'. Thanks to the efforts of Dirty Holmes, I can now rest my case and my sphincter, safe in the knowledge that the word is out on the Street. Be careful my friends, be aware that not all 'restauranteurs' wash their hands after carefully caressing their genitals"
"In close keeping with the theme above, DJ Dog-Sled returns with another classic. In order to keep the population of Newport well-fed on carefully selected slabs of cow, we present 'GLC B-B-Q Catering'. Yes, much like cockney crooners Chas & Dave, you can hire select members of the GLC to appear at your barbeque event. These include: Works functions, religious outings, children's parties*, ladies' guild meetings**, etc. The tagline we're thinking of using is: 'Move your fucking feet while you chomp on our meat', but I'm unsure if this is quite the elegant image that we wish to project"
*Due to restrictions imposed by the legal authorities, Eggsie would not be allowed out for this event.
**As part of the new GLC 'Be Friendly to Females' policy, Adam Hussain would not be available for this event either. He has a different definition of 'Friendly' to the one we would urge him to pursue.
"Aha! The following pieces are from two chaps who live, work and breathe in the 'Port vicinity, SSC69 and his 'Boy Wonder' sidekick, Trev. Welcome to you, gentlemen. This first piece depicts SSC69 in full effect, no doubt after blowing some 'houses' or 'homies' away. Now he is returning to his 'Bernard Cribbins' where he shall 'chill' as the long winter nights roll in. That may well explain the practical fur coat that he wears. I would hate for you to 'chill to death' - it is cold outside"
"Continuing this portion of the Gallery, we have the other half of the 'Demonic Duo' displayed, Trev. I like the solid glare of concentration upon this man's face - it is almost as though he has been holding the pose for so long that he can do nothing else. If this were the case, he would get the utmost respect walking the 'Port streets. It may be the supreme sacrifice in terms of not being able to hold your chips, an inability to grab your pint and difficulty fumbling for change to give the bus driver, but it certainly shows your dedication to the Chain. Full fucking on!"
"Back we go to the pieces declared 'safe!' by Newport Customs Officials. Another piece from DJ Dog-Sled, showing Eggsie as some form of flying 'superman' or 'SuperEggs', if we are to follow the clues. I am unsure as to whether he'd be any good at stopping trains or picking up buildings, but no doubt he'd be suitably equipped for going down the garage for fags or picking up 10p. packets of 'Space Raiders' from the Spar. I believe that he may be the only superhero whose alter-ego is stranger than his 'superhero identity'"
"And so we move on to some of the concluding pieces on this bumper edition of the GLC Gallery. This piece was comissioned by the 'Newport Council for Culture & Safeness', or so regular GLC Gallery-goer DJ Dog-Sled was informed. Again, as if the information portrayed to the viewer wasn't enough, all of the details and touches are there to keep us interested. Note if you will the 'Official GLC Leisurewear' hooded top in the background that has those three special letters stitched upon it. As if the comments, the comically-sized sovereigns and nervously clasped hands were not enough, we have more GLC references controlling the minds of all who dare gaze at the contents of this Gallery for long enough. Mental manipulation through mass media mayhem. Alliteration is my forte"
"We conclude with some lovely pieces from one Flexy Beccs. With time a-plenty on hand and the right attitude, it just goes to show that there's a literal universe of ideas and concepts just waiting to be explored by you mucky lot. Here the Beccs pays homage to the GLC Gallery with a beautiful emotional piece just waiting to be turned into a website banner or car sticker"
"From the illustration above, it would appear that most of us were taught the lesson that 'Skunk is Good' from a very early age. I passed on that knowledge to many youngsters that I met over the years and only one ever asked me if it was imported by an animated cartoon character called 'Pepe Le Pew'"
