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Goldie Lookin' Chain

Holden DeForge is invited aboard the Goldie Lookin' Chain tour bus to talk to Two Hats and Roscoe P about their current tour, leisurewear and mums with cocks...

Date Written: 14 November 2004

I've been invited aboard the Goldie Lookin' Chain tour bus to talk to Two Hats and Roscoe P about their current tour, leisurewear and mums with cocks.

Two Hats: For the benefit of the tape this is Two Hats.
Roscoe P: And this is Roscoe P and I'm being interviewed by a guy who's also a Blue Boy, wicked! In an area, safe.

LMS: Right then, so how's the tour been going?
Two Hats: Wicked, wicked, absolutely wicked. I mean, a lot of sweating, a lot of bright colours, confusion, it's all good, it's all good.
Roscoe P: Yeah a lot of colours and it's blurred, it's blurred, every day rolls into one if you know what I mean.
Two Hats: Yeah but the women, they're increasing so that's the main thing.

LMS: That's one of the perks of a Top 40 hit then?
Two Hats: A lot of vadges, a lot of vadges. But not enough time to get in there you know? We caught curfews, we're back on the bus, there's 8 men, you get a semi on, you're on the bus.
Roscoe P: The worst two words in the world... bus call! It's horrible, bus call's horrible.
Two Hats: You got a chance of getting your nob wet, no, get on the bus with eight men.

LMS: So it's all going well then?
Two Hats: Yeah brilliant, I mean the reception's been fantastic throughout the country, it's been fucking awesome.
Roscoe P: Apart from Oxford, I fell off the stage. I was doing a bit of disco dancing there in the rave scene and I actually fell off the stage, fell on on my head six foot and I was bruised.
LMS: No permanent injuries then?
Roscoe P: No permanent injuries but I lost a bit of pride.
Two Hats: He's started to lisp a bit now. Well Adam nearly fell in yesterday but Mysti grabbed him by his puffa jacket.

Eggsy walks past the bus.

Two Hats: There's Ben Stiller, there's Ben Stiller!

LMS: So you've got a new single coming out shortly?
Two Hats: Yeah Your Mums Got a Cock. Your Mother's Got A Penis. It's a school ground kinda vibe you know "Your mum's got a penis, your mum's got a penis".
Roscoe P: It's one of those things if you're in a pub and you're being insulted and you say "Your mother's got a penis", how can you follow that? How can you follow that? You can't.
Two Hats: There is no lower, there is no lower.
Roscoe P: There's no comeback is there? Your mother's got a penis.
Two Hats: Bringing in another topic as well I mean I could bring forward buffling. I dunno if you've heard of buffling but it's to shy away from something, "You coming out for a drink? You coming out tonight?" "No, I'm buffling". Or you get in a fight "Aaaah, no buffling, no buffling" So, if someone says "Your mum's got a penis"... you'd have to buffle.
LMS: So are you hoping to bring buffling into the mainstream then?
Two Hats: Yeah it should be in the dictionary. I mean, I've understood it all my life.
Roscoe P: And I have as well. I dunno if it's just Newport things but, for example, Delia Smith, to Delia is now a verb, to do a Delia. That's to make a dish like Delia.
LMS: Everybody's using clart.
Two Hats: In years to come there'll be Clart... what else?
Roscoe P: Brian Turner, for a shit sandwich with very thin spread, getting ripped off four quid.
Two Hats: Buffling will be in there definitely... clunge, vadge... clunge and vadge are my favourite things. Qwim, always nice to get that one back in.
Roscoe P: Newport Sunday lunch: McDonald's. They're all gonna be in there in ten years time.
LMS: So you see yourselves as educators?
Two Hats: Well, re-inventing the Oxford dictionary I'd like to think, you know? (gets distracted and looks out of the window). There's some lovely girls about here mind, fucking hell!
LMS: You won't be buffling away fom them later then?
Two Hats: Well we will after curfew time.
Roscoe P: They'll probably be buffling away from us.

LMS: Changing tack slightly; Wales manager, you thinking of applying?
Two Hats: I'm thinking of playing. Fuck this bloody rap business I'm gonna get on the pitch.
Roscoe P: This is a true story, this is a true story. Paul Parry who plays on the left wing for Wales I kept him out the team in Newport. But I went the way of drugs, fags and booze and he went the way of... drugs.
Two Hats: Drugs and football.
LMS: Yeah well you played at the Soccer Six didn't you? So you've got some experience.
Two Hats: Yeah Goodison Park. We did slightly better in Reading though cos we had some better players such as Roscoe P himself, playing in midfield. Sorted out the game plan, scored a couple of goals even. First time round we lost to Iron Maiden, which was quite embarrassing 6-1. They're old rockers at the end of the day.
Roscoe P: But how can you compete against someone who's got a huge house and a football pitch in his back garden?
Two Hats: He practices every day.
Roscoe P: He wakes up, has a cup of tea and goes "right, I fancy a game of football". Gets his mates round, eleven-a-side. You can't compete against that.
Two Hats: We got the leisy mind, we got leisure centre but it's not the same is it, you can't use that every day.

LMS: Some people probably dismiss you as a novelty act, a couple of hits and then that'll be it. What would you say to that?
Two Hats: Novelty condoms are still around today.
Roscoe P: Saying that as well, being on tour for a few weeks having a shower is a novelty. Sometimes if I'm out of fags having fag is a novelty, it's always good. Even though, even though... d'you know what I mean? I have a break between the first fag and the other fags and the second fag, it's all a novelty. So it depends how you deem the word novelty if you know what I mean. For example, at Christmas time when do you ever, ever eat tangerines at all? You don't. But it's always in the bottom of your stocking. Thats a novelty! It always comes every year. It goes back to the old pub landlord saying, about a regular. If you go there once every year and have a pint, you're a regular. Novelty, regular, safe.
Two Hats: But going back to having a showers, there's nothing worse than a dirty bellend. You get known for having a dirty bellend it's gonna be in the papers. Old Dirty Bellend, MC Dirty Bellend. You've gotta wash, you've gotta clean yourself.
Roscoe P: Well that's a novelty wash.
Two Hats: Clean your thighs, always clean your thighs.
Roscoe P: A 60's wash, make sure you wash down below, just in case.

LMS: The album's doing well at the moment, the tour's busy and you've got the Christmas shows coming up back in Newport. Gonna be quite special I suppose?
Two Hats: Christmas scenes you know, people laughing, being sick on each other, that kind of thing.
Roscoe P: Secretaries with tinsel in their hair all that vibe it's amazing.
Two Hats: Maybe someone getting a fingering up on the balcony.
Roscoe P: Girls with shoes in their hands punching other girls with their heels, surrounded by chips and cheese...
Two Hats: ... piss...
Roscoe P: ...yeah piss and just, it's amazing, can you picture it? It's amazing!
LMS: So are you lining anything special up then?
Two Hats: Well we're thinking of getting a postcard system sorted out you know where we print various Christmas yuletide postcards; someone being sick on their own clunge in a phone box or something, it's nice...
LMS: Kinda sums up Christmas doesn't it?
Two Hats: It does, debauchery basically. Ancient Rome, bring it back I say, it was all good then.
Roscoe P: I'm gonna practice a special breakdance move for the homecoming gig but I can't reveal it at the moment, it's secret.
Two Hats: What I can say though is that he's ripped his ball sack twice trying to practice it.
LMS: Will there be any Christmas covers or Christmas songs?
Two Hats: Mistletoe and Wine would be nice. Clint Eastwood wrote that mind.
Roscoe P: Clint Eastwood yeah, wrote the words for it but Cliff stole it from somewhere.
LMS: Is Cliff a big influence then?
Two Hats: Cliff Richard? He wrote a song about a bus I think which was basically like this I guess, except his was red and he had a conductor.
Roscoe P: And Sue Barker.
Two Hats: Do you reckon he pumped Sue Barker?
Roscoe P: I reckon he did. Chewbacca. Raaaaawrrwrrwwwrw.

LMS: With bonfire night coming up have you got any safety tips for people thinking about wearing leisurewear to a bonfire?
Two Hats: Don't be a dickhead. That is the key.
Roscoe P: Yeah don't be a dickhead, live the dream. It's all about the leisurewear you wear though cos I've worn some leisurewear before and I've been close to a flame like a lighter and I've nearly gone up. If we're talking big bonfire I'd say like at least stand three metres away. And don't, it always happens as well, don't leave your pets out at night on bonfire night cos they always get in the bonfire and there's always stories about "Oh Dino was saved" cos they could smell his flesh or something and he comes out burnt. Keep your pets in and wear your best leisurewear I reckon.
Two Hats: Failing that just coat yourself in water. Just be safe, be safe, be sure.
Roscoe P: But live the dream.
Two Hats: Yeah, always live the dream.

LMS: Well now you're living the dream, whats been the highest point of excess for you? You were at the Kerrang! awards recently. Were you involved in any of the table trashing?
Two Hats: There was talk of it, Mysti went down with Maggot, Adam and the Egg Man and they had a lovely time. They met a lot of good people, they met Slash so I think they were quite happy about that. Brian May was down there, so that's always nice you know, say hello to him, ask him what the time is, that sort of thing and other than that I think they had a lovely time. We went to one earlier in the year called the Q awards or something and Elton John was there, good old Ben Elton, and he was slagging off Madonna! We don't slag anyone off you know, keep it clean. We just smoke draw.
Roscoe P: It goes back to rule number one, don't be a dickhead.
Two Hats: Exactly. Don't be a dickhead. No need, no need. Spread the love. And if you get a lovely woman spread it even further.
Roscoe P: Spread her. Been on a bus for three weeks now, it's like cabin fever. Have you seen the film Alive? It's like that, sometimes you run out of food, you run out of booze and I just feel like...
LMS: Who would you go for first?
Roscoe P: Who would I eat first? Well it wouldn't be Bally cos there's nothing on him. I think Mysti.
Two Hats: Adam or Mysti I'd say, chunky fellas like. But Mysti smells of wees and bonfires he's a bit of a smelly old fella. Adam, well he's a bit confused so you could probably trick him into eating him.

LMS: Tonight then if you're looking for any ladies out there what will you be looking for?
Two Hats: I'll be looking for someone like either... Keira Knightly...
Roscoe P: What's that bird from that soap that has that Waaaa waa waaa wa waaa waaaa waaaa... Coronation Street!! Tina O'Brien!
LMS: Young single mothers then?
Roscoe P: Well... single, married.... whatever!
Two Hats: Vadge, two arms, two legs, eyes. (looks out the window again at some passing girls) Bit of that mind, I'd be into that. Bit of cunge on clunge action.

LMS: So what can everyone expect from the gig tonight then?
Two Hats: Again, bright lights, confusion... Jimi Hendrix experience. Jimi Hendrix bases himself a lot on psychedelia whereas we base ourselves on neon colours, bright leisurewear and shit dancing.
Roscoe P: If you're into seeing a load of men sweating, dancing badly... not in time then you'll love the show tonight.
Two Hats: Watch out for Billy Webb, watch his dancing. It's unusual cos he dance off the beat, whereas the rest of the world dance on the beat.
Roscoe P: Is he on the beat and we're off the beat? Who knows?
Two Hats: Maybe it's his heartbeat? He's got a murmur!

LMS: So whats the main message that you wanna drive home through the music?
Roscoe P: Just don't be a dickhead.
Two Hats: Yeah don't be a dickhead!
Roscoe P: Enjoy life, live the dream, don't be a dickhead.
Two Hats: Don't smoke in bed, don't take drugs in a bungalow.
Roscoe P: Don't chew in bed, it gets in your hair.
Two Hats: Don't shit on your own plate, never do that.
Roscoe P: Be nice to your nan cos she always gives you money. Love your mam and... what else?
Two Hats: I got one! Get busy with the jizzy!
Roscoe P: And razzle dazzle!
Two Hats: But love your nan, love your nan.
LMS: But not someone else's nan!
Roscoe P: No!! Love your nan!

Interview written by: Holden DeForge

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