| Well, without the Midlands, there'd be a massive fucking lake, wouldn't there? It's 4pm on Sunday and I still haven't eaten lunch. So I'm starving. What I really need as I arrive at the Birmingham Academy to meet the Goldie Lookin Chain, is a nice big juicy double cheeseburger. "This is Mysty," says the GLC's tour manager, introducing Mystikal, Britain's only druid-beard boasting rapper. "Hello," says Mystikal in his trademark BBC accent, as he holds out a McDonald's bag. Would you like a double cheeseburger?" The Goldie Lookin Chain, for those who missed their recent top three single Guns Don't Kill People, Rappers Do, are a hip-hop collective from Newport, South Wales. This in itself is quite a funny joke, though it means their detractors have been quick to lump the GLC in with other 'comedy' groups, notably their EastWest labelmates The Darkness. There are a few features, though, which distinguish the GLC from other such groups - not least of which is that the GLC, unlike The Darkness, have more than one joke. Another distinguishing feature about the GLC is that they are very, very accommodating. They invite us onto their tour bus, have their photos taken, ply us with intoxicants, and chat for an hour more than our allotted interview time. The chain's chief spliffbuilder Adam Hussain and expert rambler Billy Webb are on lead interviewing duty today, but pretty much the whole 8-man core of the collective get a word in at some point, with varying degrees of lucidity. To begin with, I ask Billy and Adam how the tour's going so far, and what they think of the Midlands. Billy answers first, in a delightful slur that betrays the previous night's bedtime. "Well, without the Midlands there'd be a massive fucking...lake, wouldn't there?" Adam: "There's be a big hole in the middle of Britain." Billy: "Which would be nice. 'Cause you could have some kind of regatta. And maybe powerboats. But we haven't got that we've got the Midlands instead. And it's wicked! Home of industry." Adam: "Best gold you can get in the country in Birmingham, apparently." Right. So the GLC know their gold. But they are also famed for their love of draw. Do they have a message for our Vice-Chancellor David VandeLinde, I ask, with regard to Warwick University's current rules on the use of cannabis in the Halls of Residence? For Adam, this is clearly a red rag. "Yeah. Get real or piss it, wanker. That's what I say." "Get - real - or - piss - it - wanker." Billy repeats, for clarity. "See, the thing is," reasons Adam, who has been temporarily cast into a state of mild irritation, "you should be allowed to smoke draw anywhere. I mean, if you're allowed to smoke a fag, why the fuck can't you smoke a spliff?" I decide not to mention the University's non-smoking policy, and Billy takes over: "We're more or less able to smoke cannabis wherever we like, now." Adam: "Except in your mother's house." Billy: "Not in my mother's house, no. But the thing is, you've gotta be careful when you're smoking draw. And that's gotta be the challenge now, to students at Warwick - you've gotta have it out the window, or have pipes that don't give off smoke. Have your little snake at the bottom of your door, or what have you. It's a challenge though. That's what it's all about, like. Get round the law." I promise to pass on their message, and move on to the subject of their record, a Greatest Hits album made up of many of their best moments since their first home-made album appeared on the markets of Newport and the internet several years ago. More specifically, I ask, why didn't they put Sexy Ladies on it, since it is, after all, their best song. "To be honest," Billy admits, "I dunno. I went over to [GLC Producer] Xain's had a couple of jars and here we are. Anything in between's a bit of a lottery." Nice. And who, specifically, is Sexy Ladies about? Eggsy, star of the GLC's first single Half Man Half Machine, interjects. "It's about the Shing twins. Danielle Shing and her sister. Mr. Shing was a teacher. Different school to us, though. And the Shing twins were his daughters. I haven't seen them in over six years. But they were fit as fuck in those days. I dunno what they look like now. I've never actually spoken to the Shing Twins, ever " At this point Eggsy starts eating a sandwich, apparently lost in thought. So, I ask, you're performing right next to a sex shop tonight. Is The Maggot (the GLC's resident porn vendor) happy? Adam: "Yeah. I can't imagine he'd have a problem with that. He's like a travelling salesman. He opens his jacket and it's, like poorrrn." Billy: "I tried to pick up a sexy when we did a signing in HMV. Got home, and it was just a woman. Showin' her bum a little bit. Rubbish." Adam: "Eggsy bought one called Planet of the Primates. Which was basically, a cross between Debbie Does Dallas and Planet of the Apes." I can't think of a better combination. "It was monkeys having sex. He loved it." Eggsy nods, still concentrating on his sandwich. I decide it's time to raise the level of the discussion. What was your first thought, I ask, when you heard that Jacques Derrida had died? General silence fills the bus for a moment. Billy answers for everybody: "Well, my first thought was just then. Who is he?" He was a French philosopher and critic, I say. Generally renowned as the 'father of deconstruction'. Billy: "Oh, right, ok Well, I heard a lot of records on Deconstruction. And he's - to be honest - pioneering. Pioneering label. Broke boundaries. I never knew he was French though." Adam (adopts French accent): "Deconstruction wicked." Billy: "Wicked, yeah. Big up to him. No messing." Have you been working on any new material on tour? Billy: "I been sewing footballs." Adam: "I took up caricaturing. Charcoal and that." So, I joke, if the Community Police overhear you say you're going to do some draw, and they question you, you just pull out a picture and show them? Adam smiles. "I can see you been in tight situations before Yeah, they can come back here and I got a picture of a little man with a big head. Little arms and legs. Did you ever hear about the first alien abduction?" Sorry? Adam's tangent catches me off guard, but he's away before I can ask questions. "The first alien rape. Hank and Marvin Hill. Now, they were supposedly abducted by aliens in - when was it, Egg?" "1965." "Right. Now, they went up and they got raped by aliens and when they came back down, they held a press conference, and they drew a picture of what abducted them. And they made a million quid off that! That's alright, innit? They just happened to be lucky enough to be raped by aliens." Adam's on a roll, now. "You go up, get buggered by an alien, which, I dunno what that's like, it might be quite nice, I dunno anyway, they comes down, talks to the fuckin' Daily Record or whatever and draw a fuckin' picture, make a million quid! I could draw a fuckin' picture " Suddenly, the connection to characaturing becomes clear. The rest of our conversation comprises the relative merits of green and red peppers, 2Hats' tour diary ("It's mostly about sweating and malnutrition"), and the motivation for the possible single You Knows I Loves You (Eggsy: "It's about getting a finger in when you're drunk"). The group's producer and spiritual leader P Xain also makes a brief appearance; he has a reputation for being quite private offstage, and he makes me wipe a big chunk of dictaphone tape when he realises that it's been recording his discussion with a roadie about the finer details of the night's rider. This seems a little untrusting. But you get the idea that it is Xain's sense of focus that's got the GLC to where they are now, and he's not going to take any risks. When the show begins that night, it becomes clear that group have made great strides since their Godiva Festival appearance back in June. Tight and slick, they put on a great show. They rap about cheap drugs, wearing tracksuits, and going to roller discos in 1983. Celebrating their position as the 13th Biggest Karaoke Show in Europe, Eggsy dedicates Roller Disco "To everyone who's ever done Karaoke - While - On - Drugs!" Admittedly, there are still bad bits. Mike Balls' Unofficial World Cup Anthem isn't funny at all, nor does it have the charm of other parts of the set. You Knows I Loves You, though, is performed with genuine, if pervy, tenderness. The force of 5,000 people bellowing new single Your Mother's Got A Penis is overwhelming. And only a group who truly love and care about hip-hop could ever make Shit To Me. They're also technically good at what they do: when Adam's voice kicks in to any song, a sudden sense of urgency fills the room that even their greatest sceptics would be hard pushed to deny. As the GLC's Tour ambles towards its final homecoming Newport show, the group have split national opinion down the middle. It seems you either get them, or you don't. But they gave me their food and their hospitality, and they made me laugh. So I have bought a tracksuit and some fake gold. I'm hoping for a Capri for Christmas. Safe as Fuck. Your Mother's Got A Penis came out yesterday on EastWest/Must Destroy Related links
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