"Our problem is, if they can't get Michael Flatley on board to choreograph the live show, there's no point us even bothering with another album."

Mystikal: You've caught us halfway through the tour, and everyone's immune systems are battling for survival...
Mike Balls: We're more than halfway through...
Mystikal: Thank God, we're on the home stretch now!

How's the tour been going so far?
Mystikal: Amazing, fucking wicked, we were in Truro last night on a Monday night...
Mike Balls: ...and it went right off, we raised the roof!
Mystikal: We had a day off on Sunday which was like proper "ohh-oh, we're living in a ghost town", wondering round overhearing people's conversations and everyone's talking about The Show!
Mike Balls: I was walking through the streets and this guy comes up and is like "what time you on, mate?"!
Mystikal: We did have a bit of a technical hitch at the Glasgow show and bundled ourselves offstage for a 15-minute jazz break - two pints of piss had been chucked over the sound desk at the back...

How many of you are on this tour?
Mystikal: Around 19-20... it fluctuates though cos we're all so run down...
Mike Balls: We'll just fly someone in by helicopter to fill in.
Mystikal: We've been trying to get into gene-splicing DNA experiments...

Are you enjoying your newfound celebrity lifestyle?
Mike Balls: Living with ten men on a bus is fun...
Mystikal: I'd say it's an advantage and a major disadvantage, but you do have a fucking good laugh. The smells you get on there are just incredible. It's hard to tell if people are being nice to you because they recongnise you or just because they're actually quite nice. When we went to Japan they were nice to us all the time, and we thought "this is wicked, they know who we are!" But they didn't have a fucking clue who we were, they were just really friendly!
Have you played over there much yet?
Mystikal: Nah, it was our first time...
How did they take it?
Mystikal: Amazing! We weren't sure how it would work out, with the translation and that, but we've figured that if people don't understand the lyrics, they might still enjoy the samples and the beats. And if they don't like those, they stick around because they like seeing a load of idiots in leisure-wear running around and swearing. And if they don't like that then they can always fuck off to the bar, so it works on every leve. But the Japanese were really enthusiastic...
Mike Balls: Raaaagh!
Mystikal: ...they go crazy with loads of tears and crying, then they stop and wait patiently for the next song.

Have you had many gigs where you've not gone down so well? I remember seeing your support slot for Snow Patrol last year!
Mystikal: Oh yeah! Well, I guess it's good to have those experiences too!
Mike Balls: It wasn't even that we didn't go down that well, they just couldn't be bothered...

Have you bought anything special with the money you've made from the album yet? Or is it a bit of an S Club situation trying to divide it all up...
Mystikal: I don't think I've seen any money at all yet! Tell you what, if I did have any, I'd invest it in solar panels. Or wind-farm technology. I've been researching it, have you heard of the Centre For Alternative Technology in mid-Wales?
Erm...
Mystikal: It's like a shitty little commune and it's got two lifts that work entirely on a water-pump basis. It was all organic before it became trendy, like making wine from luimps of shit and all that... But it's wicked! As a child I came across a novel about a sci-fi hero and was quite into it until I realised he was bumming his mate! Even at the tender age of ten I thought "ooh, hang on, that's a bit alternative".
Mike Balls: What's it called?
Mystikal: Something like "Sci-Fi Steve And The Bummers From Mars", but it does exist, there is a kids' book out there about a gay super-hero. I mean, fair play to him, y'know. It opened my eyes. But check it out, it's good! The Centre For Alternative Technology, not "The Bummers From Mars". Just to clear that up. For the benefit of the tape, I was given the book, I didn't buy it. Thank you.

Did you go along to the Brit Awards the other week?
Mystikal: Nah, we weren't invited, too posh for us!
Mike Balls: We were invited to the NME Awards!
Mystikal: That was interesting...
Mike Balls: A lovely evening was had by all...
Mystikal: We basically just got really high cos they wouldn't give us any beer, we just had a big two-hour smoke-off!Mike Balls: They kept changing our table-cloths.
Mystikal: It's a fucking minefield, these award shows!

You had a really successful year last year, what are your hopes for 2005?
Mike Balls: We've already topped it, we've got food on this tour!
Mystikal: If you get given food on tour, you're doing something right. We used to go through a process that we figure must just have been "they're testing us", with us as victims of horrific social experiment involving physical and mental torture. It'd be really late nights, really early starts, no food for 14-hour stretches, then we'd be plied with wine and drugs, still with no food... then go to bed and do it all again the next day. This would go on for five days, like SAS training, they wanted to break us - but the Chain was too strong, we never broke! They're now trying to lull us into a false sense of security by giving us catering.

If a Goldie Lookin Chain TV channel was launched, what would be shown?
Mike Balls: Porn!
Mystikal: Solid porn, definitely if Maggot and Mike had anything to do with it.
Mike Balls: The harder the better...
Mystikal: I'd show some obscure 1970s Yugoslavian shadow-puppet animation.
Mike Balls: It'd be quite a sick channel...

How's work on the second album going?
Mystikal: There has been a brief foray into the acknowledgement of a second album, yes.
Mike Balls: We've discussed it at great length...
Mystikal: The thing is, without the mental torture from the record company, nothing's going to ever get done. Our problem is, if they can't get Michael Flatley on board to choreograph the live show, there's no point us even bothering with another album.
Is your album budget going to be increased this time around?
Mystikal: Definitely, if we can't get Michael Flatley we're after the former MC Hammer, who's now doing God's work I'm told...

Where do you purchase your clothes?
Mike Balls: Maxx attack!
Mystikal: We try to visit a TK Maxx in every town we play in...

What new music are you listening to at the moment?
Mystikal: Mostly the instore music at TK Maxx...
Mike Balls: Only the other day I was listening to the rave remix of Jamiroquai's 'Deeper Underground'...
Mystikal: ...bouncing down the aisles browsing through shit leisure wear!
Mike Balls: I bought the new Doves album yesterday, that'll be good!
Mystikal: We picked up a hire car the other week and there was a CD left in the multichanger that sounded like some kind weird Irish Arabian Nights mix, couldn't work out what the fuck it was! Then through the magic of I-Tunes, we discovered it was an Egyptian band who specialise in Irish and Celtic rhythm, how brilliant is that!

By Wil Martin, 22 February 2005
Interview with Mystikal and Mike Balls