M˙st˙'s M˙stīē Musķńgs

31/12/06 - Newport
We'd discussed heading down to Oriental City for breakfast the night before. So it was that we had roti prata for breakfast. Top quality munch. They're like savoury pancakes served with curry sauce. Sorted me out and set me up for the day. Headed back for a spot more Singstar and chilling time before the inevitable madness of NYE. The Tube was free all night till 4am which gave us a lot more freedom in terms of getting round town.

The lead up to the New Year saw me in Dylan's mate's back garden surrounded by all sorts of nutters setting fire to things, drinking, singing and dancing. Here's hoping you all have a chilled, peaceful yet happily eventful 2007. May all your wildest dreams come true. Even the ones when you're flying round town in your pants just above everyone elses' heads. Good one that is.


30/12/06 - Newport
Woke up very much dazed and confused. Checkout was at 12pm. I woke up at 12.15pm. A polite lady came round and pounded on the door. "When are you going...?" she demanded, unfazed by the sight of me in my pants trying to hide my morning wood. "Erm...right now. I was just...having a wash". She didn't say anything and just walked off. She didn't need to say anything really. Packed up, checked out, loaded the car and fucked off. Next stop, London to see my friends Dylan and Anjali.

It's great spending time with people you haven't seen in ages. I managed to find my way to Dylan and Anjali's place without too much bother. It'd been Dylan's 30th a few days previously so I was hoping to spring a surprise visit on him with Anjali's assistance. I pulled on a skull and crossbones balaclava that Nienke got me for snowboarding and sat patiently in the car. I must have looked like some kind of sex criminal. Got a few confused and concerned looks from passing motorists but just ignored their line of sight. Eventually, Dylan appeared outside, Anjali started laughing at me, I walked past as inconspicuously as possible and Dylan just put his hood up and walked in the opposite direction. I began to follow him until he turned round, laughed and worked out who the nutter was. It was a good reunion.

We had a few drinks, watched some home movies from way, way back in the day and had a go on Singstar, the PlayStation karaoke thing that seems to have gone crazy over Christmas. Amazing. Think my best score was on Steppenwolf's 'Born to be Wild'. Went to bed soon after. Exhausting work all this performing stuff.


29/12/06 - Newport
Headed down to Bletchley Hall for the wedding and reception. This was where codebreakers worked trying to figure out various codes and ciphers during WWII including the German Enigma. I learnt this from wandering round reading stuff on the walls. Had a wonderful time at the wedding and the reception with the relatives, reminiscing about times gone by and finding out what they hope the future holds. Enjoyed a good few drinks then headed off to Wetherspoons with the cousins. Turned out that the pub was open till 1am. Nice.


28/12/06 - Newport
Travelled up to Milton Keynes in preparation for my Auntie's wedding today. All got a bit dodgy when I was stuck on a sliproad joining a motorway with trucks either side of me and ran the risk of being crushed like the police car in 'Cannonball Run'. Luckily, speed was on my side and I continued accelerating whilst chanting a mantra that went along the lines of "fuckshitfuckshitfuck". Checked into the Milton Keynes Central Travelodge and hooked up with the relatives. Haven't seen many of them for a good few years so we had a lovely reunion. Popped out for a few drinks down the local with the younger generations. Soon turned into utter mayhem. Found ourselves in a sports bar, then some kind of multiplex, then a few more bars. Headed back to the Travelodge with my cousins via a burger van. Can't really remember much else. Had to make sure I was up early for tomorrow.


27/12/06 - Newport
Still in too much pain so went down to A&E at 2.30pm. Got back at 8pm. They checked my hand then sent me to wait outside. X-rayed my hand, sent me back again. Called me in, looked at the x-rays, explained that I'd dislocated one finger and slightly fractured another. The consultant turned to me and said, "Have you punched anyone?". I shook my head. He laughed and said, "Well I checked your hand for teeth marks anyway to see if you were lying". They injected my finger, pulled it to realign it and snapped it back into place. Thought they only did that in Vietnam films. Sent me back to get more x-rays done to see if that had fixed it. Luckily, seemed to do the trick. Checked the x-rays, bandaged me up, I thanked them for their time they and sent me on my way. Glad I got it checked out in the end. Didn't mention anything about going snowboarding.


26/12/06 - Newport
Still in loads of pain with my hand. It's not right but I'm fucked if I'm going down A&E over Christmas. Bloody madness. Maybe I'll go tomorrow.


25/12/06 - Newport
Rolled over on my arm in the morning to find my hand swollen and bruised. I am not well and my hand is not responding to commands from my brain. I may be in trouble. Popped over the folks for traditional present opening ceremony and top quality Christmas munch. If I drink then the pain in my hand goes away. Got a copy of 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace' (which I've been raving about for ages), 'The Quiet Earth' and a copy of Ananda Shankar's self-titled album. Quite partial to a spot of sitar music every now and then. Wicked sounds. Got a Robopet from my brother and a crazy speaker I can hook my iPod up to and listen in the shower. Jazz club. Have a lovely time, wherever you are, whatever you do. Look after each other now and all the time. Peace out, yo.


24/12/06 - Newport
So this is Christmas. Peace and goodwill to you all. Had a lock in down a local pub. May have inadvertently dirtied myself half way through the session but managed a surprisingly thorough cleanup operation and continued the jollity undistressed. Hurt my hand in a door/wall/corner of pub and was reportedly banging my fists upon the table/chair/bar in excitement of it being Christmas. Can recall having a go on the 'Wheel of Misfortune', a large cartwheel suspended by chains behind the bar with optics attached. Whichever one is hanging over your head after a good spin is going to either pick you up or knock you down. Fortune smiled upon me: dark rum. Not a problem. Can't really remember much else. Think I may have walked home shortly after.


23/12/06 - Newport
Adam and Graham the Bear invited me over for a Christmas do today. Adam prepared his 'Special Bangers & Mash' which involves a lovely coarse grain mustard in the mash and posh sausages. Most excellent. GtB was in charge of entertainment and selected 'Carry on Christmas '69' (special guest appearance from Frankie Howerd, fucking amazing) which was actually much funnier than it sounds, more of his beloved Queen documentary and 'Project Grizzly', a documentary about a dude obsessed with creating a Bear Attack-Proof Suit. Ended up getting hammered and getting home at Stupid O'Clock (which means I can't remember what time it was but shocked even myself when I checked the time in my inebriated state).


22/12/06 - Newport
Took part in a filmed interview concerning the dangers of dodgy weed that seems to be on the rise at the moment. Apparently, dealers are adding all sorts of stuff to bunk weed to make it look like it's covered in THC crystals: Glass, toilet disinfectant, any old shit really. Nasty business. It's got to be bad news when even green's being tampered with to make a raise. Bloody rubbish.

Enjoyed 'Clockwise' with John Cleese along with some cod and chips and a lovely chilled cider. That's living alright.


21/12/06 - Newport
Strictly chilling today. Watched 'Father Ted Christmas Special' and 'Equilibrium', in between naps on the sofa with my feet up in front of the fire. Started feeling a bit more like Christmas when I saw a robin hopping about on a fence in the garden.


20/12/06 - Newport
Drove Maggot to Cardiff International Airport (near Barry Island Pleasure Park) to fly up to Scotland for the holidays. We'd got half way when he discovered that his flight had been cancelled due to fog. He decided to go for the train route instead. Good thing he did, the fog didn't clear for another couple of days. Picked up the finished podcasts from Xain. Got back and worked some magic. Converted, compressed, uploaded and streamed the podcasts for all to enjoy.

That Winter chill is setting in now so went for the classic Giant Yorkshire pudding option with Scottish beef sausages, mixed vegetables and lovely thick gravy. Top Winter Warmer.


19/12/06 - Newport
Had a proper GLC end of year party on the bus on the way home. I got fucking smashed. Champagne, cider, fun and games. Arrived back at 5am. Called Dragon Taxis to help us out of this one. Got back and found I couldn't actually sleep till 7am. Then I woke up at 4pm. We all hooked up again down GLC Towers to record some 'End of Tour' podcasts late at night to document our temporary descent into madness while it was still fresh in our twisted minds.


18/12/06 - Wolverhampton/Newport
Christmas is a time to show people your appreciation for the care and hard work they offer you. Accordingly, half way through our soundcheck we gave Dr. Cum, Stan the Man, Chris Bouchelle and Dax some Christmas presents as a thank you for their dedication to the cause on a tour that has seen many ups and downs but plenty of laughs along the way. Imagine the surprise and delight on their faces when they received a rubber vadge each with accompanying thoroughly rude bits and pieces. I believe the technical term is a 'Juicy Lucy' with the strapline, 'Just Like the First Time'. Well deserved boys. Good work.

Big venue this one. Very tired today but it's the last show of the tour so time to go out all guns blazing like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Wonderful show despite the soundesk going down half way through. Don't really think too many people noticed. Soon back on track again and launched straight into 'Charm School' to get the crowd moving. Milly Hussain and Kerryclart joined us on stage for an end of tour Penis too. Wicked.

A big shout to everyone who came to see us after the show, cheers for stopping by. A big shout to everyone who came to see us at every show too. Thanks for making the Christmas Tour one of the maddest most memorable Chain-based events in a long time. Can remember stumbling back onto the Mothership, tired but happy and looking forward to a good old fashioned lie down for a very long time. Well deserved, I might add.


17/12/06 - Inverness/Wolverhampton
Didn't really get to see a lot of Inverness but it was a lovely venue. Popped off for some munch. Got back to the Mothership to discover loads of my stuff had gone missing. Thoroughly perplexed. No one else had been on the bus and my bag hadn't left the bus either but stuff had been removed and was nowhere to be seen. No clean pants, no clean socks, no show t-shirts. No sign of it anywhere. No one else could shed any light on it either. Proper strange.

Despite everyone falling to pieces at the back end of the tour, we were determined to give the show of our sweet young lives. I assembled an outfit for the show with what little leish I had remaining. Still couldn't figure out where it might have gone. Had a top show. Billy Webb had a fall half way through his verse after some dickhead chucked a pint at the stage. Without missing a beat he was back on his feet, still rapping with a swagger and all the nonchalance of an international playboy. Well done Bill. Top shit.

Last show tomorrow. Over the top. The final push. War spirit. Death or glory.


16/12/06 - Glasgow/Inverness
Wandered into Glasgow town centre with Adam. I'd forgotten it was one of the last weekends before Christmas so there were people packing the streets. Saw a full size replica Alien made out of pipes and industrial bits and pieces. Adam suggested that we steer clear of shopping malls cos it'd be just like the zombie movies. I agreed. We grabbed some soup from Pret-A-Minger and headed back stopping by at a snowboarding shop on the way. We're off to Tignes for some snowboarding malarkey in January so I wanted to have a quick look at the kind of stuff we'd need but couldn't possibly afford.

When we got back to the venue, we discovered the security firm had decided to start throwing their weight around. We were prevented from walking through the club to the tourbus and had to walk all the way round in the rain instead. Various other things started occuring too. Warmy B off the GLC Forum was refused entry to the show. We tried our best to get her in but all attempts to convince our security friends that she represented little or no real threat fell on deaf ears. Bloody rubbish. With all this going on, we had to concentrate on pulling off another good show on another tiny stage. Still managed to have a damn good time with the GLC Forum members who were allowed in and the other assembled crowd. Managed to pack up after, get out, quick shower, then hook up with everyone in a bar round the corner. Good to see Bibs & Co. in an area. Thanks to you lot who made it all the way up there.

Had to meet up with local legend Riz Eastborn and his mate Alec before we left, both of whom were refused entry to the show too. They took me and Maggot back to a pub that Alec runs for a couple of drinks and a bit of catching up. Lovely to see those boys. Top hospitality. They even dropped us back up at the tourbus too. Cheers lads. Got back onto the Mothership, cracked open another cider when a shout went up from Tom. "Some bloke outside just twatted me in the face!". That was all we needed to gather up the posse and launch ourselves from the tourbus like a modern day Trojan Horse. We surrounded three lads outside that Tom identified as the culprits. They seemed shocked at the amount of blokes still piling out until Dax, our merchandise dude, jumped out pissed, shouted something incomprehensible then flew arse over tit on his head. As he pulled himself to his feet, brushed himself down and regained his composure, I couldn't help laughing at the fact that someone had drawn a felt-tip pen musketeer moustache on his top lip. With this kind of intimidating backup, Tom couldn't lose. The boys in question apologised, one said he'd pushed his mate, the other said he'd tried to get on the bus and slipped but both still refused to acknowledge the fact that Tom had been punched. Tom waved his finger and told them in no uncertain terms not to go around hitting people again. A lesson for those boys learnt, we set off again and decided to travel off to Inverness. Dax, it would seem, was still wandering round downstairs on the bus trying to locate his lost musketeers.


15/12/06 - Aberdeen/Glasgow
Woke up, had a potter around then wandered inside the venue. Seemed like a cool place. The dressing room had a proper 80's Fame Dance Studio vibe about it. Another quick soundcheck, then headed downstairs for some munch. I took up the offer of the 'Best Chicken Sandwich in the World'. At that stage, both me and Master of Lights, Chris Bouchelle were inclined to agree. Had to start getting ready for the show again soon after. Some of Marvin the Martian's boys were suffering so I offered them my elixir of life, honey, lemon and ginger and assorted other medications. If it works well for me, it's only fair to pass the knowledge on elsewhere.

Good old show. People tended to get closer and closer as they enjoyed themselves more and more. Showered at a hotel next door. I went up with Hattsy, had a lovely shower then we settled down to watch Pink Floyd in concert on telly with a few cans. It started off with an amazing light show with green lazers and crazy films being played to the assembled crowds. Just as were enjoying ourselves, Tomothy gave us a knock and we had to set off again. After stepping over a number of Booze War Casualties in the street, we made it back to the Mothership and set forth.

On the way to Glasgow, we stopped off at probably the best motorway service station in the world. They had fucking everything and much more besides. Eggs got loads of toys. I got what I'd been after for ages, a locally made Scotch pie twinpack and a car air freshener that read 'BAD BOY' on a license plate. Simple pleasures are still the best around, eh? Fuck yes.


14/12/06 - Aberdeen
Had a truly relaxing day off today. Utilized the toilet facilities of a local sports bar that we were parked next to then headed off to enjoy a romantic meal with Billy Webb. I should have bought him some roses we had such a nice time. Steak and chips, cider, Kasabian playing in the background, get in nice. Picked up some Beecham's Flu Plus on special offer on the way back. Good to have before going to sleep.

Watched 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' and some 'Dirty Sanchez' that Ballsy had picked up along his travels. Later on, Adam and Maggot turned up absolutely hammered. Adam had tinsel wrapped round his head. Seems they had a wonderful time. We were parked right outside the entrance to the venue we were playing the next day and a bar opposite so things started getting rowdy outside as more people turned up. Quite enjoyed watching them really. It was like we weren't even there. You can learn a lot about the human condition from just watching people. How they behave when alone, how they interact with others, how their behaviour changes when they're in large groups and of course, what happens when they're rammed full of booze and ready to take the World on. It's strange trying to go to sleep when you're surrounded by people outside shouting, screaming and singing with the ever present chorus of police sirens nearby. A reverse, upside down anti-dawn chorus, if you will. Gave up trying to sleep and joined the boys at the back of the bus for a bit. Got some Queen on while things died down outside. Imagine our amazement when we heard a group of people singing along to 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love' outside. Brilliant.


13/12/06 - Sheffield/Aberdeen
Woke up just in time for soundcheck so must have slept in. Up at Sheffield's The Plug tonight. Funny old venue this. Last time we were here, Bez's band Domino Bones were supporting us (see 18/02/06) and we had all sorts of problems with the shower backstage tripping the power out. Hopefully, they'll have had that fixed by now. Popped out for drinks afterwards with Maggot, Billy, Melissa and Wrob. Found a comic store round the corner and Maggot became transfixed by an 18" action model of Freddie Mercury that sings a medley of Queen songs including 'We Will Rock You', 'Radio Ga Ga' & 'We Are The Champions'. It was like when King Arthur first laid eyes on Excalibur. An immediate purchase, Maggot secured Freddie safely on the bus and we set off again. Headed down a pub after some local knowledge had been sought, had a few drinks, off to another bar then back to get ready for the show.

Another good old time. More drinks to be enjoyed backstage, lovely companionship and a warm shower to finish the night off. Top stuff. Day off in Aberdeen to look forward to tomorrow so a big drive with plenty more drinks and a singing Freddie Mercury to keep our spirits up. What could be better...?




12/12/06 - Newport/Sheffield
Should have been the London show today which would have been a blinder but this was sadly cancelled. Headed back Portwise for much chillage in own beddage. Nice. Here are some random snaps from the tour so far to keep you going.....

         


11/12/06 - Brighton/Newport
Ah, Brighton. Woke up aboard the Mothership outside the Concorde down on the seafront. Absolutely battering it down outside. There's something truly melancholic about seaside resorts out of season but I love it. There's an air of tranquility and calm where once there was screaming and excitement. Bit like wandering through the aftermath of a large festival when everyone's gone home. There's a sense of people having had amazing experiences and leaving part of that experience behind for others to pick up on.

Had the great pleasure of hooking up with Melissa from Liverpool and Wrob from across the pond for a few drinks. We had a good old chat and pottered along to a wicked bar at the end of the pier with all sorts of crazy shit hanging from the roof. I love little hidden places like that. That's the other thing about touring. When you're in a place that you enjoy, you never take it for granted. You might never visit that place again in your life so you learn to appreciate your surroundings. Had a wonderful time drinking and discussing matters important to us. Got a traditional cod and chips then headed back to the venue again for a soundcheck. Began gearing up for the show. More honey, lemon and ginger with the added bonus of a double medicinal whisky this time. So good I had another one.

The show was amazing, even if I say so myself. The venue was rammed and the response was amazing. There were people hanging off the walls towards the end. Quality street. Good to see people can enjoy themselves on a Monday evening. Had a great time at the aftershow. Met some top people who welcomed us warmly. A big shout goes out to Dragon Lodge John, Melissa and Wrob and of course the truly delightful Ms. Chris and cheeky Soraya. Big love to all who came down. Hope you enjoyed it all as much as we did.


10/12/06 - Norwich/Brighton
Ah, the Norwich UEA. Lovely to be back. There was talk of another roast on down in the student union but we had a look and it may well have killed me the way I was feeling at the time. Just settled for a bottle of Lucozade instead. It's strange, the taste of Lucozade reminds me of being ill and being nursed back to health again. Rammed another honey, lemon and ginger in my head and came round a bit.

Had Nando's takeout for tea. I'm a big Nando's fan but it would appear that they haven't quite mastered the art of the takeout food vibe just yet. Everything appears in a big congealed mess with a nice selection of mini sauces but it's just not the same. My advice to you my friends: Go for a Nando's sit down or don't bother at all.

Proper wiped out after the munch so enjoyed an 'individual rest', as Eggs likes to say. Woke up dazed and confused but a fair bit better. At least I knew where I was which is always a bonus. Got my shit together, focussed on the job at hand and had a wicked show. Had a good laugh afterwards too. Had a chance meeting with Shaun, a bus driver we'd also had ages ago. He was driving round the support band for Dragonforce who are doing the rounds at the moment. Lovely to see him. Also met Agent77 who wanted me and Adam to do an interview for the Howard Marks site. We were pretty battered at this stage so don't recall what we might have mentioned too much. Sure it was good though. Eggs had a large older lady attempt to cup him after taking a photograph outside so he panicked, made his excuses and desperately sought the sanctuary of the Mothership. This is a classic example of the risks you take when on tour.


09/12/06 - Stafford/Norwich
Another crazy venue, another crazy day, another crazy show. Did some interview stuff and tried to find some grub to no avail. Feeling the tour fatigue power today. Decided to combat this with a special blend of honey, lemon and freshly chopped ginger. Seemed to do the trick for a bit. Felt like my voice was coming back slowly but surely.

We set off for a Thai restaurant nearby that had come highly recommended. Another sit down Christmas meal affair. I decided on the old faithful Tom Yaam Goong as I've now discovered it's called. Blew my fucking head off but did the trick. Top shit. Always guaranteed to feel better after Thai munchings.

Returned to the Sports Bar/Superman's Ice Home venue for the show. More and more people turned up just to find out what all the noise was about. Did a crazy run to the Sports Block to get some well deserved showers then took off for our next destination. It's a funny state of affairs being on tour. You exist in lots of different locations only for a short time then move onto the next, never stopping, always moving like a travelling circus. That's why you have to relax when you can. That and the fact it's quite nice to do so.


08/12/06 - Cardiff/Stafford
Disaster strook the good ship HMS Bellend Crew at about 7am. The Mothership must have been in some discomfort, threw a rear wheel that then bounced down a valley and ended up in a field of bemused cows. I got a shout from Killer Tomothy saying, "Get up! Police outside! Get off bus! Grab all you can! Go now! Save yourselves!". That's probably not what he said but that's all I could make out as I'd only just woken up. It must have been a proper comedy sketch to watch what happened next. I for one was staggering round in my pants trying to stuff all my worldy possessions in various plastic bags that I keep close to the bunk in case of such dire situations. Upon leaving the bus, we discovered that the police were in fact directing traffic round the bus as it was perched perilously on the side of a roundabout, Italian Job vibe. Our new transport arrived in the form of a Cliff Richards style holiday bus. We knew we were in trouble when we read the legend 'Pontypool Coach Travel' on the back. Fair play though, they managed to get us back to Newport from where we'd been stranded a few miles outside Monmouth so I wasn't complaining.

Got back to the Port and crashed till 4pm. Needed that. Regrouped to board the Mothership Mk. II along with our old friend Dean, the first bus driver we ever had. That was a nice surprise. Talking of surprises, we were overjoyed to discover that two other old friends, Rosco P Coltrane and Postman Pot aka the 'Back Door Posse' (BDP) were joining us on our journey of group-discovery for a few days. Good hearty laughs and not much sleep guaranteed. Headed off to Cardiff for the next exciting stage of our Festive Adventures. Cardiff Student Union's a funny place with plenty of turning and twisting tunnels to both excite and confuse. I didn't have a clue where I was half the time. No change there then. Had a spot of Chinese munch, grabbed some leish, changed, did some stretches then cracked open some Bows. A well-structured and familiar regime enables one to focus and fulfill untapped potential. Oh yes.

Crazy show. Loads of heads down for the party vibe. Headed down for some casual aftershow drinks only to be swept up on waves of inebriated madness as people started screaming, running towards me and going mental. Haven't had reactions like that for a while. Not since I walked into a bar with my old boy out anyway. Only difference is that back then they were still screaming but running in the other direction. Hooked up with some old Cardiff chums I hadn't seen in ages and had a good old fashioned chat about the state of things in general. Thus began the inevitable process of late night drinking from quite early on. When on tour and despite all our best intentions, we never set out to have really late nights. They just tend to happen.


07/12/06 - Cambridge/Cardiff
Ooooh, lovely venue this one - Cambridge Junction no less. We had a crazy interview for 'playmusic' magazine that took the form of a University Challenge type thing. You can check out the results below, behold!

     

Found a crazy device in the venue reminiscent of the device that Ripley used to fight the big monster at the end of Aliens. Except it had wheels as opposed to legs. Erm....may have even been just a glorified forklift truck crossed with a cherry picker but I thought it had some kind of hidden cosmic applications. Thankfully we had a lovely Nando's next door so weren't going to go without the good shit today. Got chatting to some delightful twins behind the hot dog stand at the back of the venue, known hereafter as the 'Hot Dog Twins'. References were made to 'hot meat products', 'how do you get your lips round that', etc. etc. and they actually found it quite funny. I like to think so anyway. Hot dog vendors by day, sexy club dancers by night apparently. Look out for them.

Landmark show tonight. Everything suddenly came together and we all felt right at home on stage again. Not that it wasn't a polished performance prior to this you understand, it's just that after tonight, it felt like everything was working. Later on, we managed to acquire a number of rolls of giant industrial strength gaffer tape. Initially undecided what we should do with our newly acquired rolled-up adhesive worlds of fun, it was suggested by Eggs that we play a game on the bus late at night referred to as 'Prison Murder'. This involved tearing off strips of tape in preparation for the attack, gathering the assailants together, surrounding the victim's bunk, uttering the trigger words, "Execute him! Execute him!", then attacking in absolute silence. The victim was, of course, Dr. Cum. The assailants were, of course, everyone else. This happened three times in the space of about half an hour before the assailants got bored and just went to bed instead.


06/12/06 - Newport/Cambridge
A proper lie down does wonders for the mind, body and soul. I awoke feeling fully refreshed and ready for action. Pottered about, went to Cardiff, hooked up with Tomothy for a spot of experimental science, drove back to the Port, had some munch, packed up again, watched a bit of crap telly, set off to pick up the other boys then got back on board the Mothership. Watched Terminator 3 (or 'T3' as the kids put it) for the first part of the night. Although as Eggs was saying, it never showed 'The Rise of the Machines' with robots ripping people apart and blowing stuff up, for me personally it cleared up a time travel paradox that plagued the previous two films. Here we go, once again hold tight, this one'll blow the cobwebs out if you're not focussed, strapped in and paying attention....

Right, Kyle Reese is sent back in time to protect Sarah Connor from the Terminator. The Terminator is sent back through time by Skynet to kill Sarah Connor and consequently prevent John Connor, future leader of the human resistance from being born. Kyle Reese, as we discover, has sexy times with Sarah Connor and turns out to be John Connor's father. If Kyle Reese is successful in his mission, then we assume that John Connor survived, led the human resistance and brought Skynet crashing down. However if Skynet was destroyed, no Terminator would have been sent back in time negating the need for Kyle Reese to be sent back to protect Sarah Connor meaning that John Connor would never have been born. Bit of a cock up that. Oh, hang on - unless the Terminator was sent back in time as a last ditch attempt to kill Sarah Connor as Skynet knew it was on the verge of being defeated. Fuck, my head's hurting now. Anyway, T3 basically clears up the entire thing by saying that, no, we never had a choice in the matter anyway, the whole thing was predestined and nothing we could do was ever going to stop loads of killer robots going on the rampage and Skynet taking over the world. That's a relief, eh..?

On a lighter note, we concluded the evening's entertainment with Ballsy's choice, the Happy Mondays Live in Barcelona DVD with an interview with Shaun Ryder. Incidentally, they played in a venue called Razzmatazz in Barcelona which is where we played too. I like to think we were just as coherent.


05/12/06 - Swansea/Newport
Woke up to hear a garbled conversation between two people whose identities I couldn't ascertain. The only parts I could make out were the words 'hit by floods', 'must be joking' and 'fucking deathtrap'. Turned out that Swansea University had suffered some flood damage during the storms resulting in the show being moved to a different venue. From what I understand, the venue selected had no stage to offer so they'd erected one themselves with the help of two drum risers stuck together directly beneath a bundle of potentially lethal exposed electrical wires. Looks like even we couldn't attempt to pull this one off.

An executive decision was made and we decided to head back to Newport, epicentre of all things safe. It'd be nice to have a little break anyway, particularly after the adventures we'd had already. Got back, passed out on the sofa for a bit, had some munch and enjoyed 'Story of Ricky'. Incidentally, if you're a little screamish, don't click the previous link unless you're unfazed by images of eyeballs popping out of faces, heads exploding and other such horrific kung-fu inspired madness. Admittedly, not the most relaxing film to sit down and enjoy a bit of chilling to but entertaining nonetheless. Went to bed soon after. Lovely to be back in my own bed again. Surely the most efficient way of healing oneself is in your own bed when dealing with these kinds of affairs.


04/12/06 - Nottingham/Swansea
Must have been a late one last night, up at 4pm today. Bloody hell. As opposed to appearing at Rock City, we were round the corner in a place with a very cramped stage for our needs called the 'Rescue Rooms'. After soundcheck we were presented with a massive plate of curly fries with dairylea slices on top. I was quite happy but some of the other boys seemed rather upset by this offering to the Gods of Deep Fried Muck and decided to locate food elsewhere. Admittedly, it's not going to keep you alive but it'll keep hunger away temporarily and prevent the onset of starvation.

The show was always going to be a bit of a struggle on a stage of this size but I like to think that we retained our ken sense of dignity and professionalism along with entertaining the lovely people that came down. There even seemed to be an under-18's section upstairs where enthusiastic teenagers could scream excitedly and sing along with everyone else. I spotted DJ Euphoria (Retired) in the crowd who kept trying to hand me a can of Strongbow throughout the show. Good on you son. Had a nice little chat with him and his missus afterwards. Still interested in getting those old skool rave mixes off you bra, give us a shout.

Also ran into Tony Surgeon and Doris who enjoy the Chain vibe. They presented us with one of the most incredible pieces of Turkish action adventure ever committed to celluloid - 'Death Warrior'. Amazing stuff. If, like me, you were unaware of the madness that is Turkish cinema, do take note. It's like the man responsible for editing the film stayed up all night with several bottles of absinthe and a basic grasp of what the film should be about which would explain consecutive scenes involving a swordfight in the middle of a housing estate, furry handed ninjas and a couple lounging lovingly on the beach.

We always knew that the shower situation might be a bit desperate in the venue so all chipped in for a day room in the hotel next door. I'm glad we did. Enjoyed a lovely shower to make me feel human again then began drinking late on into the night. It must have been a few hours later when we got a knock at the tourbus door from a couple requesting an interview. No idea what kind of questions they asked, let alone what answers we gave so I'll have to look out for that one. I can remember the bus setting off and being sat downstairs when there was an almighty crash and part of the ceiling warped then bent neatly back into shape, like in the Matrix. Fearing that I may have inadvertently ingested hallucinogens during part of the evening's festivities, I was both relieved and humoured to discover upon further investigation that Cummer had tumbled out of the top bunk upstairs. Verily, the noise and commotion caused by such an event was akin to a horny rhinocerous attempting to have sex with the tourbus. Much laughter and subsequent drinking ensued late on into the night.


03/12/06 - Leeds/Nottingham
Resurfaced at 2pm. Looks like this is going to be the Official Tour Average Mysty Awakening time from here on in. Had another monster soundcheck just to ensure we're on top of our game. The student union roast dinner promised didn't really deliver but we were fucking starving so just rammed it in.

Had a good old fashioned knees up tonight and were honoured to be joined by the one, the only Mr. Howard Marks and Dave Beer, veteran of the dance scene from as far back as the heady days of 1988 when I would have just been sat around in my pants listening to Deep Heat compilations. Much like today then.

 
Had a couple of drinks then headed off to some crazy rave club to check out the local scene accompanied by select hardcore members of the GLC Forum Crew. Lovely stuff. Turned out this was the same place that Uncle Howard was spinning some tunes or something and he was happy to be reunited with us again. So much so that he invited us back to his pad for a few afterhours jazz enjoyment sessions.

So it was that me, Adam, Zoeknowsit and Warmy B accompanied the legend that is Mr. Marks back to his house. It had a fantastic homely, Hobbit hole kind of vibe with a distinctly nautical flavour. A little later I began receiving frequent calls from Killer Tomothy (Tour Manager and Skilled Choonspinner) enquiring as to our present location and current state of mind. Encouraged by Adam, I had to tell him that we weren't too far away and we'd be back soon. The truth was that we were battered and didn't have a fucking clue where we were. I hate telling lies but Adam seemed to believe it was a necessary evil. Perhaps it was. It's not every day you're welcomed into Howard Marks' place and encouraged to swap stories of hedonism, tales of the ancients and firsthand tales of excess. Soon enough, it was time to make a move so Uncle Howard signed a couple of copies of his new book 'Senor Marks' for us and walked us back to civilization. Truly a fantastic host in every sense of the word. Dear Mr. Marks, we salute you. Tomothy made an appearance looking worried and agitated in a taxi so we bid our fond farewells to Zoe and Warmy B and headed back to the Mothership. Another wonderful night to remember....or not as the case may be.


02/12/06 - Liverpool/Leeds
Woke up at 2pm. Must have been tired from the night before but it just goes to show how the sleep deficit can creep up on you. Either that or the fact that I can sleep for ages provided I'm lying down somewhere and remain relatively undisturbed. Big soundcheck to run through the new tunes with Dr. Cum, Stan the Man and allow Bouchelle to key up the lights. Lovely to see those boys again. They may think they're just members of the sound and lighting crew but in reality, they're the scientists who keep the good ship HMS Bellend Crew afloat. Without them we may as well board the lifeboats and start rowing round in circles.


Wandered down to one of these posh eateries that seem so popular these days called Ask. I know it's a chain, I know it's not even posh in a lot of people's eyes but it is for me. It involved having a sit down meal with people who seemed to be out having a Christmas office do so we decided to do the same. We met up with Dirty Bobby, one of the old skool Port connections, enjoyed a few drinks, pulled some crackers, rammed some munch in and made our way back to the bus. Hooked up with my man Manchester Dom and his mate Bob. Got warmed up in a bar round the corner from the Academy and felt suitably refreshed by the time I made my way back to the venue. On with the first show of the tour....

Met Marvin the Martian and Co. who'd be supporting us for the duration of the tour. Top boys, they were as excited as us to be out on the open road for adventures and good times. Luckily for us, the new tunes went down really well. Adam made his first appearance as a snowman on stage. A lovely time to be had by all. Had a good collection of heads in the dressing room with the delectable Melissa and ever charming Galaxy Jo amongst others. Lovely to see them all. Melissa invited us down to a club called Magnet where she does all the responsible running of things, organising events and ensuring people are happy. They had some mentalist band on complete with a dude in silver leisurewear on the decks, industrial goth types and an aborigine dude with facepaint dancing and waving a stick aggressively at the assembled crowd. Top stuff.

Made it back to the bus again, battered, bruised and tired but happy with how the first night had turned out. Onward and upward from here.....


01/12/06 - Newport/Liverpool
And so the December Mayhem begins. Woke up pretty worse for wear this morning...erm...afternoon. Had a continual process of getting up and then having to lie back down again. It happens sometimes. It's just to allow you to reset the system and find your bearings. Something like that anyway. Popped down to GLC Towers, employed a spot of science and got the podcasts up and running. Bit more last minute tour practice then headed back for a spot of much needed munch before setting off on our travels. Appropriately enough, 'National Lampoon's Animal House' was on so I caught the end half of that, enjoyed some toasted vegeburger sandwiches with mayonnaise and jalapenos, rammed whatever shit I could remember to pack in a load of bags and headed off at the appointed time.

Picked up some of the other boys who were having a nightmare finding a taxi in Newport on a Friday night, boarded the lovely Mothership and set off into the night. Responsibly enough, we all made it to bed before 4am which must be some kind of record. Looks like we're keeping it locked down for the start of the tour but I very much doubt this seemingly responsible behaviour will last.....


30/11/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Just before proceedings kick off for the Chain-inspired madness that is the 'Christmas Party (Doing It For the Taxman) Tour', we'd been invited up to the Coal Exchange in Cardiff for the Pop Factory awards. Fuckin hilarious. Loads of heads down there in various states of inebriation. Spotted some boys from Pep Le Pew who supported us for some dates back in the day, Chris Kneebone from BBC Llandaff and many others. Eddy Temple-Morris made an appearance to chants of 'EDD-IE, EDD-IE' initiated by our table. Fair play to him. Our rowdiness and general misbehaviour was rewarded with the presentation of a crate of Strongbow from the catering staff, bless em. I went into space soon after. Billy Webb went MIA despite requests for him to return with us back to the Port. Reports received later on indicate that he may have run into a spot of bother by falling through a table, catapulting everything resting upon it across the room. He then found himself coming round in Cardiff with no lift back, no money and no hope of returning home at a reasonable hour. Being the resourceful young man he is though, he made it back nonetheless. A lot later than the rest of us but at least he still made it back alive. Good lad. Another medal for bravery to add to your collection Billiam Webb.


29/11/06 - Newport
Well, nearly time for the December tour so much washing of pants, socks and leisurewear required. It's one thing to be ready for action but the mental determination needed to see the job through can take a while to muster. Plenty of sleep seems to be the best way forward. Certainly works for me.


28/11/06 - Newport
Off down to GLC Towers for a run through of the new material we'll be trying our hands at during the tour. Think it should work well. There are a good few singalong numbers, a couple of bangers and a few surprises in store too. Can't wait to get this shit on the road. Exciting times to be had by all.


27/11/06 - Newport
Still not well today. Much lying down and recovery time required. Horizontal standby mode once again order of the day.


26/11/06 - Newport
So that's the weird thing. I woke up today at 7pm, having slept soundly in an underground rave club (albeit a comfortable one) for approximately 10 hours. Big ups to Jayne who looked after me, talked me out of my own dazed psychosis and provided companionship when I had been through the wars. Slightly out of sorts, I made my apologies for making the place look untidy and left for a suitably relaxing lie down.


25/11/06 - Newport
Graham the Bear asked me to assist him with an MC/DJ partnership of legendary proportions today - Leeroy Fashions' Birthday Madness aka The Fash Bash. He worked out the set and I worked out some rhymes that would later play absolutely no part in our formidable performance. We made it down to the recording studio on an industrial estate not so far, far away and found one Big G cranking up the party sounds. As per usual, I can't really recall a whole lot about this event. I can remember shouting random obscenities, urging people to get up and involve themselves in what I apparently referred to as 'sexy dancing' and also allegedly threatened anyone who refused, in a jokey non-threatening way of course. As long as everyone had a good time, that's alright. I came round at 7pm the very next day on a sofa in the studio, out of my head and thoroughly bemused to discover that proceedings were still in full swing. I was informed I'd passed out on a picnic table inside alongside several others, then moved onto the sofa a little later. GtB was supposed to have been looking after me and did a good job till he discovered that it wasn't me he'd been watching but a pile of jackets and a rucksack. An easy mistake to make in such a situation I suppose.


24/11/06 - Newport
It's alright, the car's fixed again. Almost like it never happened at all. Well, kind of. There are some weird dents to the rear wheel arch but I think that adds character. At least I can still drive the fucking thing.


23/11/06 - Newport
Bollocks. Reversed my car into a stationary barrier today. Problem being that it was a sunken angled wooden post so it caught under the back wing of my car and left it hanging off when I tried to free it. Shit like this always happens at the worst of times, when in a rush to get things done and when it's pissing it down outside. Good news is that it may just be a bolt that's sheared so I should be able to get the thing back on with a bit of ingenuity and a spot of assistance. Bad things that happen due to my own lack of care and attention are some of the things I find it hardest to deal with. The inevitable questions of what I could have done to prevent it seem to take priority over the more immediate practical things to do next.


22/11/06 - Newport
Heard from reliable sources today that there's another new club opening in Newport. It's called 'Eternaty'. No really. That's what the sign says above the establishment. Amazing. I know anyone can make a mistake but I doubt it's actually supposed to be some kind of clever play on words. I wonder if anyone's said anything to them yet...?


21/11/06 - Newport
We made a joint decision that good Winter fare was on the cards for the inhabitants of GLC Towers today. After picking up the necessary ingredients for a homemade shepherd's pie at half five, we actually sat down to our meal five hours later. You've got to be prepared to wait for good quality munch sometimes. Various band members succumbed to food whiteys due to intense intake of food shortly after.


20/11/06 - Newport
If there's one thing to be said about Autumn, it's that besides the crisp air and the colours of leaves on the trees, you get some amazing sunsets. Here's one for you to enjoy....and I truly hope you do. Brought a warm glow to my spirit anyway.




19/11/06 - Newport
Recorded a shitload of new podcasts today. We're planning on getting them up over Christmas for you lovely lucky people. They take the form of a 'GLC Review of the Year', a 'GLC News Review of the Year' and the 'GLC Chart Rundown'. They should all be good but the latter should include some brand new exclusive content that you can snap up and download for free right here. Ding dong!


18/11/06 - Newport
Back down to GLC Towers today. In between all this, myself, Eggs and Adam popped down to our local Tescos to stock up on essential supplies. As I was waiting for the others, I was leaning against a weird pod thing with a sliding panel that opened up vertically. Lo and behold, I had discovered a CCTV station on the shop floor with more buttons than the Tardis and a joystick that controlled the movements of the cameras. Brilliant. I called Adam over and revealed my findings. Amazed, he gazed in awe as I took control and started following the movements of anonymous shoppers and fit checkout birds. Suddenly, the camera began controlling itself again against my command so....we did a runner. Have a look in your local superstore. You too can take the power back temporarily, if you're observant, curious and lucky.


17/11/06 - Newport
Headed down to a student ball at Exeter University today. Can't recall too much about so must have had a good time. Seem to remember thinking it was all quite posh, eating some chicken stuff then having some cider. I think it might have been dodgy chicken personally.


16/11/06 - Newport
Here's a brief snapshot of life at GLC Towers. These are the kinds of strange sights to behold when you pass through the hallowed doors....

 


15/11/06 - Newport
Had the great honour and privilege of being invited to a Prince's Trust bash in Cardiff City Hall with Maggot tonight. Had a bit of a problem trying to find his hotel and was wandering up and down St. Mary's street trying to find what seemed to be a hidden doorway to Narnia. We eventually found each other, got our shit together and headed on over. Proper posh do this turned out to be. Loads of drinks, top munch, interesting people and plenty of madness. Here's a good one of Chairman Maggot, proper regal like.....


And a rare chance to see one of me in a suit with one of the Prince's Trust winners....


After a truly delightful time, we stumbled back to the hotel again. Can't really remember a whole lot after this. Apparently we had a look at the hotel bar and Maggot had to look after me for a change. Thus, the hunter becomes the hunted.


14/11/06 - Newport
Seek and yo shall findeth. There is a way. I knew it. You've got to love the shit and sellotape school of html coding. Meet the new GLC MySpace accounts. Myspace.com/goldielookinchainmusic and myspace.com/glcsoundsystem. Lovely stuff and see - a virtual player with no limits on tracks available. Fuckin come on!


13/11/06 - Newport
Been trying to get to grips with this whole MySpace malarkey today. For fuck's sake, they don't make it easy. I've sent off a load of mails trying to get assistance with the virtual player to no avail. I'm trying to find a way of streaming more than four tracks on one account. There must be a way. There has to be.....


12/11/06 - Newport
It's been a while since I had a deep philosophical rant, so hold tight, here we go again.....

What's it all about...? Why are we here...? What are we doing...? Where are we going...? Are we all doing what we're supposed to be doing...? Could we do it differently...? How do we know...? When will we know...? Who's going to let us know...? So many questions. If anyone finds out, are they allowed to tell anyone else...? Does everyone have to find out by themselves...? Keep asking yourselves. As most of us have finished our time in educational facilities to a greater or lesser degree (for all the good it did us), the only other way we have to learn and grow now is by challenging ourselves and the things we find around us.


11/11/06 - Newport
Had a look at a new Thai restaurant that opened up in Newport the other day. Wicked place. The sign of good Thai food for me is feeling great after eating it as opposed to feeling slow, sluggish and full of stodge. It's like the spices take your mind and body on a crazy ride, leaving you feeling elated and ready to rock. Can't remember what the spicy soup's called but I'd recommend it to anyone with sinus trouble (or basic Winter Rundown) to make you feel human again. You can keep your Lemsips and bloody Beecham's powders, sort me out with a bowl full of prawns, chillies, lemongrass and coriander and in turn I promise to stay alive.


10/11/06 - Newport
It's a Friday so I decided to invest in a shedload of cider along with Billy, Hats and Adam. Being armed with 32 cans of Strongbow works wonders in terms of supplying inspiration and confidence for artists to step up to the mic and rant about things that they feel passionately about. Top stuff.


09/11/06 - Newport
The workshop (or should that be 'sweatshop'?) studio sessions continue unabated. The day begins at midday and continues till 4am. My bed has never been more inviting and more of a comforting presence than over the last few days. Oooooh, my wonderful bed.


08/11/06 - Newport
More workshop malarkey today. Things seem to be going quite well. Can't wait for you lot to hear the new stuff. It'll rock your funky boxes.


07/11/06 - Newport
Every now and then you meet people who make you question the nature of things around you. I enjoy these chance encounters. They normally occur straight out of the blue taking you completely by surprise. Today I was chatting to a taxi driver called Ak who made me think about accepting the state of things as they're presented to us today. He was 10 years younger than me but it was great to see someone who refuses to accept the state of their reality without question. More and more people that I meet are questioning their own and each other's existence and their accompanying realities. More and more people are refusing to accept that there isn't any more than this and not a moment too soon.


06/11/06 - Newport
Did a spot of science down the studio in trying to hook up a wireless router. Wasn't long before I was onto the technical support team having a proper nightmare. Good on them though, they soon sorted me out. Had an early night accompanied by a duvet and two extra blankets for Winter chillage. It pays to know how to get in nice these days you know.


05/11/06 - Newport
With less than a month till the next thrilling installment of GLC out on tour and back on the road, we're trying to finish off more and more stuff down in the studio. New records are created and the success story continues, just like the good old days. Nice.


04/11/06 - Newport
Had a call from Adam to say that he's bought an incinerator and as such, he was having Bonfire Night a day early. Lovely stuff. Had a spot of munch, watched the start of 'Diamonds Are Forever' and had a delightful herbal bath to sort out various aches and pains. Suitably refreshed and thoroughly relaxed, I set off for Adam's. When he said 'incinerator', I immediately thought of a large machine being fed bits of wood and belching out flames like a medieval war device. This is Adam's incinerator....I wasn't far off really....


And here is resident pyromaniac Hattsy setting off some rockets far too close to the source of open flames....


All sorts of madness going off. Hattsy was drunk and burning things in the garden. Big G turned up with a stockpile of industrial strength rockets. We had hot dogs for tea then had a surprise visit from King Jacko (Dipper Nan's brother) and his missus, Nicole. Delightful times. While all this was going on, Hattsy was still in the garden burning stuff. He certainly had a lovely time. At one stage I found him whispering to some fireworks saying something along the lines of, "Not long now my beauties. Soon, I shall set you free". Think that says it all really.


03/11/06 - Newport
Popped down early this morning for the Roy Noble hook up. All seemed to go very well. Roy is truly a man of the people and these same people warmed to him immediately. He has a dedicated legion of followers who know him as a sincere, friendly sort of bloke and I for one would be inclined to agree with them. We were down at the BBC open access centre in the middle of Newport town so anyone was welcome to pop in and say hello. One lady brought in a black and white photo from the 70's when Roy was a headteacher. It was a photograph of 'Pet Day' and whereas some people had brought rabbits in cardboard boxes, cats on a lead and ferrets in cages, one child went the whole hog and brought in a horse. Brilliant. Doubt you'd be able to have stuff like that anymore due to EEC legislation and health and safety issues. Do they still have school hamsters nowadays...? I'd like to think so.


02/11/06 - Newport
Enjoyed 'Shaolin Soccer' last night from the same bloke who brought us 'Kung Fu Hustle'. Amazing stuff. If you're one of the few people who've never heard of this incredible film, just check out the trailer here. Think 'Roy of the Rovers' meets 'Street Fighter II'. Bloody bonkers.


01/11/06 - Newport
Decided to get active today so took a trip up Twmbarlwm. It's a proper lovely hill that overlooks Newport and has the added bonus of an Iron Age fort at the top. It was a clear day so you could see all the way across the Severn to Bristol and beyond with all of Newport spread out below you. With a combination of breathtaking scenery and crisp fresh air, I felt thoroughly rejuvenated on my return. Fair blew the cobwebs out. Top stuff.


31/10/06 - Newport
Enjoyed a welcome trip back to the 70's today under the guise of the Morrisons cafe. Incredible place. If time travel's truly impossible, the closest thing to it would be to go to places that inadvertently recreate a decade from the past. You must have witnessed places like this yourselves before. For some strange reason, you feel like you've slipped through a rift in time and space and fallen into some dusty, long forgotten dimension. Fag smoke, bad fry-ups and watery cups of tea are proper 70's for me. The only things missing were garish curtains, hammond organ music playing in the background and a plastic ketchup bottle shaped like a tomato.


30/10/06 - Newport
I busied myself with some internet science while Manchester Dom went out on the mean streets of Newport to locate our local TK Maxx. He returned wide-eyed with excitement and armed with stories of the sights he'd witnessed in Newport out and about on his travels. We'd already ventured into Risca (last outpost before the valleys) last night to get some cash before heading off to the pub and witnessed incredible leisurewear, a pissed couple staggering down the street shouting at people on the other side and two blokes who'd just taken their tops off before fighting each other. Newport's like the Wild West in many ways. In much the same way, you get saloon brawls, whisky-induced madness and if you leave your horse (or any other form of transport) outside for too long, it's bound to get nicked.


29/10/06 - Newport
Manchester Dom came down today. He had plenty more comedy sketches to inform me of. Decided to involve ourselves in the traditional Sunday night pursuit of the 'Art of the Pub Music Quiz' down the local. Amazing stuff. Me and Dom (the aptly named 'Team Bellend Crew') came second from last and as such, we were awarded the princely sum of £7 as a consolation prize. A howl of disagreement emanated from the other end of the pub demanding a recount. We should have grabbed the money and done a runner but stuck around to enjoy last orders. Had to hand the money back in the end but this was then split with the other team who actually came second to last. Hilarious. Headed back to enjoy a spot of 'A Clockwork Orange' then off to bed. Nice.


28/10/06 - Newport
Had a call from Graham the Bear to say that he was in Caerleon watching Adam playing football but was now bored and wondering if I'd like to hook up to grab some food. Met Eggs and Vern too then went off for some horrible deep-fried pub grub. I wonder why we do it to ourselves sometimes. Surely there are plenty of places that offer sustenance without having to resort to frying everything.

Popped into the Big W so Eggs could look at some toys. We found Graham a rat hat that talks to people. Behold!


Adam and Graham decided to have a Halloween soiree as GtB would be working over the day itself. Stocked up on food and booze, Eggs went and looked at more toys and then we got back to the house. Drinking commenced. Vern turned up as a zombie. Then Big G turned up with a substantial amount of fireworks.....

 
At some stage during proceedings, the following occured to the following people.....

     

     
Incredible stuff. More drinking, more fireworks, more facepaints, more celebrations. Things got a bit blurry and I came to when the taxi driver was waking me up to get out of his car. Fell asleep on the sofa and finally crawled into bed about 8am.


27/10/06 - Newport
Managed to catch a documentary on BBC4 about George Clinton today. He's amazing. Proper bonkers like. Had a spot of 'The Big Lebowski' too. Quality street.


26/10/06 - Newport
Hooked up with Eggs to guest on Alan Thompson's show today to talk about music from Newport. Met C Live who we hadn't seen for ages. He truly has the deepest voice in showbusiness. Wandered over to the indoor market to get some allen keys for Eggsy's 'Zygon'. 'Zygon' is another name for a Casio DG10, an electronic guitar from the 80's. In Eggsy's mind, a futuristic instrument needs a futuristic name, hence 'Listen to me on the Zygon, I will expand your mind with a piece I call 'Visions of Gaia'".


25/10/06 - Newport
Had a call from Jill from the Roy Noble Show today to find out if I'd be willing to co-host his breakfast show live from Newport. How could I refuse such an offer...? If all goes according to plan, it should be on BBC Radio Wales, Friday November 3rd from 9 - 11am. I'll have to make sure I get a good sleep before that then. Check it out y'all.


24/10/06 - Newport
Someone's decided to nick my recycling box so popped down to Wastesavers to pick up another. Grabbed one for Adam and GtB too as they've had the same problem. Adam picked me up after his circuit training malarkey and we enjoyed a lovely Film Club with Graham. GtB had chosen 'Asylum', a 70's Amicus horror offering that takes the form of several short stories told by each of the inmates. Amazing.

 
Eggs and Newport Tim turned up half way through. Graham was upset that Eggs decided to talk through the rest of the feature. He'd been out for a posh meal and had enjoyed several glasses of wine and was now intent on sabotaging Graham's enjoyment for the rest of the night. Adam decided that he'd had enough so went off to get his box of fireworks from Aldi. Remember kids - playing with fireworks is for dickheads. Remember Eggsy nearly losing a hand at 'Europe's Second Biggest Light Show'...? (See 13/12/05) You have been warned.

 
The fireworks were cheap and yet reassuringly cheerful. Here are some pictures of me enjoying Strongbow and the inevitable consequences thereof.

 


23/10/06 - Newport
Hooked up with Ballsy and Eggs for mini workshop. Enjoyed hot dogs for tea. Also enjoyed Russ Meyer's voluptuous classic 'Beyond the Valley of the Dolls' then went to bed.


22/10/06 - Newport
There have been loads of programmes about binge drinking on recently. Is the true definition of binge drinking just someone who drinks enough to lose control and then act lke a dickhead...? As a local DJ surrounded by drunks and binge drinking enthusiasts, I asked Graham the Bear to tell me a little about his experiences of semi-professional wreckheads and the behavioural patterns that they tend to exhibit. He told me that besides enhanced aggression and a passion for falling over, binge drinkers get extremely horny and tend to chase the opposite sex (or same sex if it's one of those special nights) around as if their lives depended on it. Primal urges become stronger and stronger. For example, fights are easily started over things that don't really matter. He also added that he himself was a binge drinker and as such was fully qualified to make these observations.

I asked Graham to tell me about the more extreme sides of binge drinking, if such an underground movement actually exists. He paused, looked slightly perplexed then his eyes lit up and he told me the story of one lad who was accused of defecating in a urinal at the club. The lad involved, despite being out of his head, denied any knowledge of the offence and carried on enjoying himself till the end of the night. When the lights went up and everyone prepared to return home, the chap in question was spotted walking up the stairs of the Bassment with suspicious-looking, foul-smelling stains on the back of his trousers. We can only guess at the circumstances surrounding his predicament but can safely presume they involved some form of 'Shit Yourself' comedy gold. Graham also added that the fact he had poo on the back of his pants doesn't necessarily mean that he deposited his bottom contents in the urinal too, that might have been someone else. There may have been a shadowy contingent of people shitting themselves in his club and he wouldn't even know unless he paid attention to key suspects.


21/10/06 - Newport
We were invited down to a charity Kickathon today with Master Everton Smith who you may recall was on our radio show and invited us down to his dojo previously (see 15/03/06 and 14/09/05). Went down with Hattsy and Eggs, held some kick pads and proceeded to get beaten up by kids. Hilarious stuff. Met Nathan Blake, a Newport lad who played for Cardiff City. He was cool. You can see some pictures of us having fun at the Black Belt School right here.

Later on I decided to have a 'Wicker Man' session with Toddy and his missus Angharad. Nothing like a good seventies film with an amazing soundtrack to get in nice to. Can't get better than Edward Woodward as the epitome of an old skool straight-edge copper, Christopher Lee, his polar opposite as an eccentric local cult leader and of course, a nude Britt Ekland dancing round, going bonkers and pounding the walls. Top stuff.


20/10/06 - Newport
Forgot to mention that some of the boys attended the Torchwood premiere in Cardiff on the 18th. I wasn't present but the lads had a wonderful time with free booze, posh snacks and assembled sci-fi heroes, villains and weirdos. Graham the Bear kindly composed the following report......

-----REPORT BEGINS-----
Datafile Batch Code: Alpha Spectrum ZX023/1983LSD
Event: Torchwood Premiere
Date: 18/10/06
Location: St. David's Hotel, Cardiff
Correspondent: Graham the Bear

Being a fully fledged and paid up member of Newport-based science fiction movement 'Weirdo Club', I could hardly turn down the invitation from Adam to see an exclusive premiere of Doctor Who spin-off series, Torchwood. To be honest, the idea of Torchwood doesn’t get me hot under the scarf like Doctor Who, but it has all the same letters or something so that’s good enough for me.

So, a fine conglomeration of weirdos convoyed down to the St David’s Hotel; Billy Webb, Eggsy and 2Hats in one car and Adam and myself in the other. Adam was suffering from a horrific gut infection that means he was violently sick like a dog that’s eaten too much chocolate between the hours of 7 and 10 o’clock every night, but he soldiered on for the cause. On arriving at the hotel, Eggsy informed me that I would have to pretend to be Maggot and this deception could be achieved by repeating the pharses, “Doot Doot” and “Eye, eye, boy with the pie”. Initially sounding like a plan littered with holes, this technique worked a treat. Maybe they just thought I was strange.

The alcoholic arm of Weirdo Club got straight in with the free booze and grabbed a big glass of wine each. Adam can’t drink anyway and Hattsy has developed a form of meditation that means he can’t see anything that contains alcohol, so they grabbed a softie. We all piled into the screening room and sat behind League of Gentleman star and Doctor Who scribe Mark Gatiss. Before we enjoyed the feature presentation, various members of the BBC had prepared hours of sycophantic dick wanking especially for Who/Wood mastermind Russell T. Davies. All of us celebrated in this by pretending to wank each other off whilst making groaning noises. Gatiss was not amused.

Finally the programme began and we all settled down for an hour of fairly entertaining science fiction. Watch out for a bloke we know from Newport called Gareth he plays a character called Ianto (which is a Welsh name not a Mexican name apparently). After the show everybody belted upstairs to see what the free bar might hold and, of course, to discuss the show. Upon arriving Billy and I gazed in wonder at a giant laser that was lighting up the bay by forming the shape of a knob on the rippling water. Billy reminded me that Jesus had used lasers in many of his earlier miracles.

Everybody was having a jolly good time enjoying booze and some sort of cheese on a cracker we simply referred to as “milky white breasts”. Suddenly, we noticed that David Tennant had joined the party and a kind lady we had been talking to said she would fetch him so we could find out what he felt like. I was unfortunately “one glass past the mark” when Mr. Tennant joined our little group and could only refer to him as Doctor Who. Eggsy introduced himself by asking, “Is Davros coming back?”. I was very excited to have Doctor Who standing around with us drinking free wine and so happy that I started to grin and act like an 8 year old. A photographer took a photo of everyone together and Doctor Who put his arm around me like Peter Davidson used to with Adric, even though he was a bit of a cock. Adam asked Doctor Who if he could be a Cyberman, but Doctor Who thought he was a bit too short. I suggested he could be a new character called 'The Little Slug' and Hats came up with the ending in which Doctor Who throws salt at Adam’s head and it dissolves. It was around this time that The Doctor noticed that me and Adam were wearing Doctor Who t-shirts and possibly then decided to mingle elsewhere, with just time for Eggy to ask, “Would you like to come for a jazz?” to which Doctor Who replied, “I can’t. I’m a children’s entertainer.” With that he was gone with a smile.

Billy, Eggsy and I were now getting quite drunk and Adam and Hattsy quite frustrated. We all decided it was time for a jazz and hopped outside. We returned upstairs jazzed out of our minds and slumped at the top of the stairs. I noticed Billie Piper and Doctor Who talking seriously by the bar as if they were on some Earthbound Booze Adventure. Very exciting to see when you’re flying through time and space yourself. A woman from the BBC asked if she could get a response to Torchwood on film after the previous interviewee had finished. I noticed who was being interviewed and screamed, “Look it’s that little Welsh woman off This Morning who watches telly!”. The camera crew, especially the sound guy, were not impressed. Then I noticed that Adam, determined to get himself a part on Doctor Who, had cornered head honcho Russell T Davies on the stairs. “Hello, I’m Adam from the GLC” said Adam. “I know who you are” replied Davies with suspicion. “If you need anyone’s head to explode or arms to fall off, I’m your man” offered Adam excitedly. Davies just stared blankly. “Listen, I’ve got 432 Doctor Who videos” added Adam, slightly agitated. On leaving the conversation, Davies walked passed me and let out a strange sound of relief. Adam just simply commented, “Prick!”. I had to get back to DJ in the Bassment and everybody was drunk or fed up with not being drunk. Before we left I took one more look at Doctor Who and Adam threw up in the toilets. A great time was had by all. I was very drunk. Doctor Who is a great chap and felt lovely. We’d all do Billie Piper.
TIME AND RELATIVE DIMENSIONS IN SPACE, ONE AND ALL.

-----REPORT ENDS-----


19/10/06 - Newport
Big ups to 'Sir Digby Chicken Caesar and Ginger', easily my favourite part of 'That Mitchell and Webb Look'. The muscial interludes are quality. See for yourself.

Added a scrolling tickertape thing to the site frontpage today. It's to allow you lot to access parts of the site that have just been updated as opposed to trawling through the whole lot yourselves. I do try to look after you here you know. Big thanks to Alun for more technical wizardry and helping me with me with the science. It's great when the science works. When it doesn't it all goes to tits. Might be stating the obvious but without that, how would you ever know...?


18/10/06 - Newport
With crisp air coming in and cold, sharp nights, a need for Good Honest Autumnal Fare develops. Here's a great Autumn Warmer for ya: Giant Yorkshire pudding with posh sausages (possibly with added apple and fresh herbs), mixed vegetables and lovely thick gravy. Proper munch. Sat down to 'The Last Samurai' with my lovely food and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Excellent munch.

My mate Toddy came over tonight and our conversation took a turn to Old Skool computer gaming. I can remember going down to our local newsagents and being overawed by the cassette rack that would display countless numbers of tapes for Spectrum ZXs, C64s and Amstrads. Toddy told me about a game called 'Skool Daze' that he spent hours upon hours playing. It rang a bell but I couldn't remember it properly so we had a look around and found this: 'Klass of 99 - The Skool Daze Emulator'. Amazing, a great little distraction. Download the game for Windows here (sorry Mac users). If you get stuck, don't know what you're supposed to be doing or just need general hints and tips, have a look here.


17/10/06 - Newport
Battering it down today. Looks like Summer is well and truly over now. Whenever the Sun peeks out between the clouds, a strange mist appears giving everything the appearance of a medieval film set. I half expected a knight in armour on horseback to come charging over the horizon screaming with lance in hand and flags a-fluttering. Didn't happen though. Would have been good if it did.

Alun from the Elephant Rescue Plan popped over today to drop off a copy of his new EP. It's very good. He also introduced me to one Leslie Hall of 'Leslie and the Lys', a true internet phenomenon. She's amazing. Check out 'Gem Sweater' and my own personal favourite, 'Gold Pants' that appears to have been recorded in a Shopping Mall DIY Video Booth a la Tenacious D. She also has a marvellous collection of actual gem sweaters that she seems to have named herself. Must be a state of mind.


16/10/06 - Newport
Had to ditch the car for one of those MOT things today so got a lift to Xain's with Ballsy and Eggs. Did some internet science and listened to some beats that Xain had hooked up. Televisual entertainment took the form of 'Banged Up Abroad', a scare-you-shitless documentary about British tourists imprisoned around the world with dramatic reconstructions of the events leading up to and including their arrest thrown in for good measure. This time round was an episode called, 'Venezuela: The Burnley Boat Boys' about some Northern blokes who got caught red-handed with shitloads of illicit goods on board and were consequently sent to one of South Americas's most notorious prisons. Footage was shown of the prison itself where inmates are armed with handguns to keep the peace between warring gang factions. Crazy stuff. Horrible to watch but you just can't look away. A bit like 'Midnight Express: Extreme Edition'.


15/10/06 - Newport
Was fortunate enough to be invited over to my folks for some proper home cooking today. Possibly the only thing keeping me alive at the moment. Managed to catch 'Scarface' on ITV4 tonight. Proper. Ballsy picked up the game for the PS2 over in Ireland. Ultimate virtual violence. I've always wanted to get a Hawaiian sunset scene like this for one of the walls in my living room. Then install a bar with some lights and a musical drinks cabinet. Perhaps one day. Remember: The World Is Yours But You Might Need To Share It With Others. Be Nice.




14/10/06 - Limerick/Newport
Up at 9am for the now traditional half-dead wander round a ferry. I felt fucking awful. You know you're in trouble when simple things become a proper challenge, other people's conversations start sawing into your head, infecting your mind and all you want to do is to run far away from everything. Got ripped off on the breakfast front again, felt terrible again and had to find somewhere to lie down again. This time, I wedged myself on a sofa thing to stop me falling off and tried my best to sleep. Suddenly all the windows exploded inwards, water came tearing into the cabin and the whole fucking ferry tipped up on its side. I woke up with a proper start as I fell off the sofa I'd tried so hard not to fall out of. Call me cynical but I can't help thinking that they've designed ferries so the only place you can have a proper lie down is in the rented cabins. I'd have taken a pillow and a sleeping bag if I'd have known it was going to be this much stress.

Three and a half hours later, we were back on the bus. Within minutes, I was back in my bunk and fast asleep again. Woke up 10 minutes from Newport. I normally use the Severn Bridge as a good point of reference but we going the other way this time. Got back home, dumped my bags, jumped in the shower and prepared some lovely food. Nice. I'd been invited to my friend Alun's engagement party tonight so gathered together some drinking companions (namely my brother Martin pH Balanced, Stace and Hywel, King Vampire) and set off into the night. Alun's in a wonderful band called 'The Elephant Rescue Plan'. They rock. Had a great time at the cheap bar and met a good cross-section of characters I hadn't seen for ages. Managed to make it to the end and wandered back. Must have crashed quite late.


13/10/06 - Limerick
One thing I've been forgetting to mention is that every day on the bus begins with the maddening strains of 'The Dubliners'. Today was no different. It's great stuff but not when you've only been asleep for 3 - 4 hours.

Compared with the antics of yesterday, today was a dream for band, crew, promoters and venue staff alike. A nice, comfortable venue with easily-accessible wi-fi malarkey meant that site and Musings updates were finally within reach. Spent a nice time outside, sipping tea, updating bits and pieces on the laptop, feeling relaxed and generally at ease. It always strikes me when enjoying a nice cup of tea just how nice it is when poured from a well-stewed pot. There's nothing more disappointing than asking for a nice cup of tea, being charged the best part of a fiver and then being handed a cardboard container with a shit teabag and half a pint of milk poured on top. I might as well just pour it down my trousers for all the enjoyment I'll get out of it. Today's tea, on the other hand, was fantastic - so much so it stirred the senses.

Had a soundcheck to ensure everything was in full working order, including ourselves. Then we nipped next door for quality munch. The pub bit next door was open all day and doing some lovely food. There was a fishmonger's right next door with fresh local produce so I decided to have a look at some oysters followed by chicken supreme with king prawns. Somehow Dr. Cum managed to nick my main course and left me with a very sub-standard affair. He still denies all knowledge of the offence even now.

After enjoying ourselves thoroughly with the grub factor downstairs (I'll get you yet Cummer), we retired to the dressing room. Thankfully, it wasn't a toilet this time. In fact, it was very nicely presented with big comfy sofas and a lovely cosy vibe going on. Adam and myself took full advantage of this fact and had a little snooze for a while. I came round on the sofa listening to Adam snoring and making strange burbling noises. He seemed very happy. Stan decided to lie down on the floor for a bit of a rest too. This is what life on the road does to you. Once you find a comfortable environment, you need to rest and recuperate for as long as you can. There's never any guarantee that you'll be half as relaxed or as comfortable again.....

 

Grabbed a couple of Bulmers and returned to the Mothership. Watched the first half of 'Tremors' with Xain on the bus. I'd forgotten how good it was. Soon enough it was time to empower ourselves with leisurewear so we donned our trackies and made our way back to the dressing room again. A wonderful reception from the good people of Limerick. Things went well up until 'Penis' when the beat generator decided to pack up for no apparent reason. At this stage Cummer announced to all present, "Hang on, I'm just swapping the rave machine over". We re-launched the Penis and it worked even better than before. Bloody Friday 13th business. Just goes to show that with a positive attitude, even expected and generally accepted potential misfortune can be overcome. Later, Dr. Cum had no explanation for the mishap, it just stopped at 1:11 exactly. I think he still felt guilty about nicking my food and his guilty vibes infected the machine. Big shouts to Ms. Treacle Slits, Sharky, Morggs aka MC Clarten-Darten and the Mushy Head for making an appearance. Lovely to see you. Got accosted by proper crazies shortly after this so beat a hasty retreat to the safety of the Mothership.


12/10/06 - Dublin/Carlow/Dublin
When you wake up in the car park of a DIY Furniture Centre called 'Woodies', you know you're in for a day of comedy.



Maggot went off a-wandering and returned to report that a bedside lamp on one of the bedroom displays inside the store had been disconnected to plug the bus in. Fuckin yes. What kind people. There seems to have been some kind of confusion over what's going on today, well....more so than usual anyway. The venue have told us that the gig in Carlow's been cancelled as the coaches taking people from Dublin to Carlow didn't have liability insurance. The end result is that we have to return to Dublin. We had a good time in the car park though.

Arrived at one of the many university campuses (campii? oooh matron) that Dublin has to offer. Grabbed some fried muck then headed back to the bus again. There were certain subtle signs that those organising may have been a bit pressed for time. The dressing room situated in the Gents toilets left of stage was one of those signs. Don't get me wrong, they'd tried their best to make it as homely as possible, even going as far as to disguise the urinals with black bin liners and utilize the sinks into temporary holding basins for drinks but it was still a toilet with a pungent stench of disinfectant and a condom machine on the wall.

As showtime rolled round, it soon became apparent that we were actually a 'surprise international act' for the lucky students attending the show promising '1000 students, 80 buses and 1 party'. This is a readymade mantra that Eggs felt compelled to scream repeatedly throughout the show. Well, even though they didn't actually need the buses cos they weren't going anywhere, they still had a great time and raised the roof when prompted to do so. Spotted one Milly Hussain and a Sharkbait in the crowd having a wonderful time. Apparently they travelled up on a minibus with Billy's folks. Lovely stuff and lovely times to be had by all. It's great when a plan comes together. Big ups to Killer Tour Manager Tomothy for keeping his head together when all about him were losing theirs.


11/10/06 - Dublin
Had a potter round the ferry, grabbed a 'Four-Piece Breakfast Special' for just under a fiver, consumed it along with a cup of tea, started feeling proper ill from the crossing so found somewhere to lie down for a bit. Came round to Xain screaming about the ferry being on fire or something then Stan waking me up as we'd got to the other side. Straight back to bed. No messing.

Regained consciousness in Dublin at about 2.30pm. I woke to Ballsy and Xain discussing the antics of a young man who pleasured a young lady using his mouth during a Home Economics lesson. Had a look at the venue and tried to find some kind of internet access malarkey to use as a gateway to virtual wanderings. Had a few problems but Stan was on hand with his heavy duty, military issue router to save the day. Quick soundcheck, had a Bulmers in the dressing room (discovered 2 x crates of Bulmers, fuckin yes) then returned back to the bus to reconvene for the dinner party.

Went for a brisk walk round (what I assume to be) central Dublin and finally stopped at an Italian place for munch and drinks. Decided on a calzone aka 'The Italian Cornish Pasty' which consists of ham, mushrooms, onions, peppers and plenty of mozzarella. Quality. Should keep me going for a while anyway. Some quick pics taken as we crossed the bridges like. Lovely.



Got back to do some Musings updates before the show tonight. I managed to pick up some 99p. VHS bargains from the petrol station before we came over, namely 'Tremors', 'Jet Li's The One' and 'Jim Macleod's Non-Stop Ceilidh Dancing'. Well, we're off to a cultured part of the world where getting hammered and dancing seems part of the vibe so thought the latter was an appropriate choice. Surprisingly, it wasn't actually that good and sent Ballsy off on a whitey. We turned it off soon after that.



Had a few more Bulmers then headed off to the dressing room at about 11pm. Showtime rolled round at midnight so we charged on and had a good old time. The crowds assembled enjoyed themselves too. Left the venue to get to the hotel for well-needed showers. Hadn't seen this place yet, it was an amazing grand old hotel with flags outside (must have been posh then) near a large illuminated spike in the middle of Dublin. Returned back to the bus to be confronted with large nasty messes of pizzas. There's a simple quality:size ratio to bear in mind when considering what size of pizza to choose. I've learnt that the bigger the pizza is, the less the quality. Quality diminishes as the size grows. I'm not necessarily saying that all small pieces are amazing, they're not. Then again, all big pizzas are not rubbish either. Yet when responsibility for pizza size, choice, toppings and where it actually comes from is handed over, there's normally trouble to be had. For all my lecturing, I had a couple of slices anyway and soon regretted my decision. For some reason, none of us could sleep till about 6am. Might have been the 'fake pukka' vibe of being back on tour, doing the first show and not knowing what to do after. Off to Carlow tomorrow.


10/10/06 - Newport/Dublin
May have overdone things a little last night. Going out and investing in a crate of Strongbow on a Monday evening is slightly exceesive, even by my advanced cider-drinking standards. Put some music on, had a shower, did the washing up, even had a tidy up of the house. Had to make sure that everything's sorted for when I return back off tour, very much tired and no doubt emotional.

Sorted my leish, spare clothes and travelling stuff out, packed my bags and made some munch. Watched the beginning of a documentary called 'Guys and Dolls' about dudes with 'Real Dolls', plastic female companions that are built to last. It all seemed quite sad really. I was hoping for replicants like Blade Runner. Or at least dolls with realistic moving parts and a voicebox that nagged you or something. Didn't get any of that. I may have mentioned this before but it's important so I'll say it again: I can remember John Craven announcing on Newsround that we'd all have robot helpers round the house by the year 2000. If that was the case then surely they'd have thought up some kind of Advanced Super Android Sex ('AS-AS') doll by now.



Had to miss the end of the dolly documentary to go and pick up Mags from the station. Then we headed up to Adam's and I operated a bus run taxi service. The bus we've got is driven by one Stevie Danger, ex-drummer for Wolfsbane, a British heavy metal act from back in the day. He's proper cool. Check him out in full-on rock god pose.....



Word on the street was that we were going to be woken up early to wander round the ferry like the Living Dead so as not to contravene maritime law. Regardless, I was still drunk when the call came.


09/10/06 - Newport
Hooked up with Graham the Bear for lunch in town. It was nice to see him, haven't seen the boy for a while. Enjoyed vegetable lasagne with wholemeal garlic bread. The combination of pasta and vegetable matter is so complex for the body to break down that you feel like you're full for ages. Top munch. We parted ways temporarily to allow me a bit of time for more internet science.

When I saw GtB again, he was overjoyed and thoroughly excited with the mysterious contents of a plastic bag that he carried with due care and attention. Inside, he revealed a copy of 'The Making of Michael Jackson's Thriller' on VHS and 'Most Haunted Live 2' on DVD. I can remember watching the Thriller video at someone's birthday party years ago and believe it may have been one of the first home videos to receive a 15 certificate. Brilliant. Looked like Graham had entertainment for the night all figured out.

Popped down the local for a couple of jars and met Adam. He'd just been off punishing himself circuit training so was keen to relax and unwind. Thus we found ourselves a bit later walking out of the booze shop armed with a crate of Strongbow and several bottles of wine. Lovely. Had a chance meeting with Will Dionysus who I hadn't seen for a long time. He seemed very well you'll be glad to hear. On with Film Club. Graham kickstarted proceedings with some of Bill Hicks' early shows. Top shit. This was followed up with two episodes of 'American Dad' and then the highlight of the evening, the one we'd all been waiting for - Crazy Jackson's 'Thriller'. I don't think you can even get this on DVD at the moment, the VHS copies are the only ones left available.

John Landis, director of such legendary celluloid visons as 'The Blues Brothers' and 'An American Werewolf in London', also directed the Thriller video. Behind the scenes footage showed him picking up Jackson, spinning him round and tickling his feet. Very strange bonding behaviour twixt director and artist. I'm not saying this would have affected him later on in life but it certainly makes you wonder. GtB decided to finish off proceedings with a choice zombie title, 'The Living Dead At The Manchester Morgue'. Managed to make it home around 5am. Not really advisable the day before going off on tour but you've got to have a laugh in this day and age.


08/10/06 - Newport
Thankfully, I'm finally bang up to date with the Musings. Thanks for the advice, suggestions, criticisms and complaints while I've been hacking my way through the backlog. Hopefully, I'll be able to update this corner of cyberspace on a daily basis now, as it was originally intended. Let's see how we get on. We're off to Ireland some time this week, so I'll just have to hunt out some wireless hotspots and see what I can do. Safe.


07/10/06 - Newport
More website updating today. Decided to treat myself to a wonderful cod, chips and mushy peas for tea all washed down with a cool Strongbow. That's living alright. Seemed to be some kind of Monty Python night on too that I tuned into. They showed an 'Omnibus' special from 1989, the year that Graham Chapman died. I think the things that always got stuck in my head when I was little were Terry Gilliam's animations. Some of them were confusing, others frightening, all of them dark, surreal and hilarious. He had a style all of his own. When they asked him about the animations he made he even admitted himself that a lot of them he just couldn't remember doing. I know how he feels. 'Brazil' finished the Python night off quite nicely, a favourite film of mine that I hadn't seen for years.


06/10/06 - Newport
Watched 'Oldboy' on Film 4 today. Fuck me, what a crazy film. If I was imprisoned for 15 years in a crazy box room being occasionally knocked out with valium gas and only a television set for company, I think I'd go mental too. I think a lot of people would. There are some truly legendary scenes and a storyline that gets you thinking. Recommended viewing but again, not for the faint-hearted. All good stuff.


05/10/06 - Newport
I like Autumn. I think it's my favourite season. The sun casts a strange light on everything and there's a general air of serenity. Things are winding down, life becomes slower, more thoughtful and people tend to 'get in nice' whether they realise they're doing it or not.


04/10/06 - Newport
Watched Justin Kerrigan's club classic 'Human Traffic' tonight. I'd forgotten just how good it was. There's something about the fact it's set in Cardiff, home of many of my own favoured clubbing experiences along with active portrayal of the daily grind and the spiritual release that the weekend brings. 'The Hippo Club' in Cardiff was always a firm family favourite. I can remember seeing people in there weekend after weekend till Fridays and Saturdays became like a big family reunion. The big 'Time Flies' bashes at the newly demolished Cardiff Ice Rink were always crazy nights too. I can recall lazers, dark corners, strange clubbing attire, contorting faces, newly made friends, sharing water, clubmuck and the Long Walk Home still flying through time and space. Fucking brilliant.


03/10/06 - Newport
I've discovered that the perfect way to spice up a frozen pizza and to make it into a creation you may actually enjoy is to simply add a few choice ingedients. One of my favourites at the moment is to take any common or garden frozen pizza, add some chopped fresh peppers, jalapeno peppers to taste and smother it with some of that crazy mozzarella stuff that looks like a squash ball in a bag of water. Top marks!

'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace' is back on Channel 4 late at night. Forgotten which day it is though. Oh, hang on according to the Radio Times, it's Wednesdays. Check it out and rave it up.


02/10/06 - Newport
Discovered a fantastic DJ double act who hail from the South Coast called CH3VY today. Shit hot. Check out their 'Stack of Wax Volume II' mix. It's amazing and available to listen to right here. Delectable big slabs of funk and crazy retro sounds. Gets your hands messy like. Lovely stuff.


01/10/06 - Newport


Hilarious! I can't seem to remember any of this transpiring. For 'hijacked' read 'invited on'. For 'pelt fans with bottles and food' read 'throwing plastic bottles of water and pre-packed sandwiches to the fans'. For 'fist flew backstage' read 'American bloke hamming it up for the cameras, attempting to get a rise and failing'. If the truth were to be told so as to be understood, it wouldn't be half as sensational and certainly wouldn't make the papers. Admittedly, I'm not into boy bands as such and don't understand manufactured pop acts but that doesn't really explain why we'd blame people attending the show for that, especially if they're going to be watching our show afterwards. Funny world this tabloid business. I learnt that a long time ago but am still amazed by their antics today. The truth, as they say, will set you free but it won't sell half as many papers.


30/09/06 - Newport
Dropped Flatpress down the station to head off to Reading. I'm loving these random encounters. It seems I keep running into people for a reason.


29/09/06 - Newport
MC Flatpress made an appearance today. We had a few drinks and had another game of Risk - this one lasted till 5am. We had some good chats about the Nature of the Universe and All Things Else. He informed me of a crazy discovery he'd learnt of somewhere. Apparently, time as we understand it is being constantly compressed. Science types have worked out that our current 24-hour day is about the equivalent of 16.5 hours of a medieval 24-hour day. We're losing time, faster and faster and there's absolutely nothing we can do about it. On the other hand, at least this means that we're living for longer periods of time. Time, it would appear is still a constant perhaps but no longer an absolute.


28/09/06 - Newport
More website updating today. I find it easier to concentrate on things when music's playing in the background. I find it inspires, refreshes, soothes and relaxes. 'Groove Salad' courtesy of Soma FM is still my favourite online radio station. Try it out on a Sunday afternoon when you need to do something (or even if you've got nothing better to do) and just have it playing in the background. A real delight.


27/09/06 - Newport
Had my mate Toddy Vegas over from Cardiff today. The PS2 seems to have packed up so we spent a delightful evening drinking and playing Risk just like the good old days. I kicked arse and conquered the whole world. It's not really in my nature but war games bring out a different side of me. It's the same with paintballing. Perhaps I was a decorated General in a past life.


26/09/06 - Newport
Back to hospital again today. According to the doctor, my hand's back to 90% efficiency. I just need to take it out of the strap and start using it again now. About bloody time too. I'm all for fashion accessories but the Clint Eastwood look's just winding me up now.


25/09/06 - Newport
I keep having dream flashbacks in real life. Today was particularly confusing. It's almost like a really crazy daydream that temporarily disconnects you from reality. Or something will happen to prompt me to play back a dream in my head like a film. Perhaps it's my diet or erratic sleeping patterns, I don't know. Perhaps it's my higher self trying to wake my lower self up. Perhaps it's just my subconscious churning up bits of mental flotsam and jetsam. How can I find answers...? Even if I knew, would I be any happier...? Am I happy anyway...? How can I tell...? I think I'm happy, so that's good enough for me. Emotional states that defy description however, cannot be easily analysed.


24/09/06 - Newport
Off for a delightful Gentleman's Club with Maggot, Gandee and his family today. Nothing better to revive the drooping spirit than a visit to a pub out in the countryside. You can get away from it all out there. It allows you to imagine days of old when pubs were places where the whole community would congregate, drink, discuss matters, get a bit boisterous, drink a bit more, have a sing song, drink, fight, make up and go home. It's worth remembering old traditions such as these, there's a lot to be said for them.


23/09/06 - Newport/Bristol/Newport
Off to Bristol UWE for a student ball today. Got a lift off Hattsy and hooked up with everyone else at 7pm. Got there and soon ran into Jon the Robot and Warmbread off the GLC Forum. Had a lovely little chat then headed off to the dressing room. Some dudes from Oxjam appeared for photos and stuff. Met a guy called Micky who'd be responsible for the lights tonight.

We had to get down to the side of stage to prepare for the show. We'd been invited onstage with a band called 'Upper Street', comprising of members of old boy bands or something. At the time that everyone else went onstage with them, I was still trying to find somewhere to have a quick slash. As these things transpire, no one had bothered to tell me what was happening so by the time I'd returned, I'd missed the whole thing. May have been for the best, it all depends on your perspective. Some American dude was having a massive go at Eggs and then at Mike, our Tour Manager for the day stating that we'd gone on at the wrong time (well, the band minus me anyway). Then I spotted the cameras and realised that they were filming the entire thing. Regardless, I thought no more of it, we went back on stage a little while later and had a blast.

Getting back to the dressing room proved a little bit tricky. We all jumped in the minibus and were immediately accosted by loads of crazy drunk student zombies. They were friendly enough but a little overzealous and in immediate danger of being run over. There weren't any towels avaialable so we had to make do with massive industrial rolls of linen hand towels, the kind that you get in towel dispensers. In true rock and roll style, these were launched out of the window 3 storeys up creating a kind of medieval drape effect. You could imagine Errol Flynn doing his sliding down a sail with his knife as a brake vibe but I'm happy to report that no one actually tried.


22/09/06 - Newport
Invited down to the Newport premiere of 'Dirty Sanchez - The Movie' today. Hooked up with Billy Webb and Ceri, got a shitload of cider then wandered down to the cinema. Met the Dirty Sanchez boys, they all looked pretty excited. Pritchard and Dainton were on top form and happy to see us. Pancho was hammered on Fosters and Joyce was more intent on showing us videos on his phone of him doing naked dancing off his head from the previous night than watch the film. Top boys.

The cinema was proper packed, eventually found some seats, cracked open a Strongbow and got in nice. The boys gave a quick speech before hand (with accompanying shouts of "Pancho stand up") then let it roll. I've never been as hypnotised, repulsed and thoroughly entertained for a long time. I won't spoil it for you. These boys have really raised the bar now. There's no going back.

Stumbled out of the cinema, dazed, half-cut and still reeling from what I'd just witnessed. Went off for a couple more drinks with Billy and Ceri, hooked up with Graham the Bear and decided to accept his invitation to join him down the Bassment. Proper raving. Had to head off at some stage due to an inability to stand and believe I may have walked home from town. Crazy times.


21/09/06 - Newport
It's nice having a bit of Maggot company around for a change. We can sit around and chat or sit around in silence, happy in each other's company. Lovely that is. Been enjoying some good takeaway food too cos neither of us can be arsed cooking.


20/09/06 - Newport
Woke up, sorted house out, washed up the washing up and then sat down and thought about things for a bit. Then Maggot got up and he pottered around while I attempted some website updating. Being a keen animal lover, Maggot insisted on us sitting down and enjoying 'Dog Borstal' on ITV3 or something. I may have got the wrong idea, but one of the instructors seemed adamant that beating dogs up was the only way they could learn anything. Perhaps it's like 'pack hierachy' or something. Maybe I should use these kind of techniques on the band when they get out of hand.


19/09/06 - Newport
Woke up at 3pm. Decided it would probably be best to chill today. Maggot's down so we've been enjoying some late night classic comedy to bring us back to our senses. Nothing quite like a spot of 'Two Ronnies' to relax.


18/09/06 - Glasgow/Newport
Woke up at 4pm. Still wildly drunk. Grabbed a Subway sandwich, had half and went back to bed for a bit. Had another good show, all sorts of hilarity on stage. Always a good reception up these parts. Going for a shower afterwards meant running the gauntlet past loads of people but we managed it in the end. Got back to Newport at 10.30am. It's no wonder I've been feeling disorientated lately.


17/09/06 - Crow Point festival, Newport/Glasgow
Awoke at 3pm. Got a load of stuff together, stuck it in a bag then got down on the festival site for 6pm. Had a quick photoshoot and went off to find some Bows. The dressing rooms were situated in the football club changing rooms. Wandered past Roni Size who was busy munching on a big packet of Doritos so gave him a friendly nod and said hello.

We had a lovely Newport contingent down to help us on our way. MC Flatpress was down for the rave too. Before long, the Newport County strips were distributed, the leish was donned and we were getting ready for a top homecoming beneath the Transporter Bridge. Top shit. We had a great show and an amazing response. 'Soapbar' went down particularly well as a highlight of the night. We ambled off stage worn out but happy. Show pics are available right here.

Met some wicked people backstage. Volunteers who'd been working on the day, bar staff and crew reponsible for the tents all made us more than welcome. Had to shoot off for Glasgow that night only stopping at the Hilton for a quick shower and some lovely Indian food. Had a delightful Asian Sandwich (see 24/03/06) then managed to get to bed somewhere in the region of 8am.


16/09/06 - Newport
It was meant to be an easy day today. Everything's been organised so there's no last minute stuff, just enough time to think of anything else needed for 'The Party in the Car Park'. Hooked up with Z Beeblebrox in the Muj to hand over some tickets. Big ups to ZB for sorting shit out on the forum front. I think it's fair to say it'll go off tonight. Popped down with Adam and GtB for a quick sound check and to ensure everything was sorted. Headed back for a few drinks.

Made it down for 11ish or thereabouts to find the affair in full swing. Total respect for everyone who came down. For anyone who may have spoken to me (or at least attempted to), many apologies, I was completely battered. Eggs had a go on the DJ mission. Adam and Graham (I've been informed) handed out prizes for dancing and inebriation. Billy Webb delivered a fine wreck-up set. Apparently, I got on the mic to sing along with 'Eastbound and Down'. This, again, was only pieced together from second-hand conjecture and mental polaroids. The local constabulary appeared at some stage, discovered it was a private party and let us continue on the grounds that we turned it down a bit please. This we did for approximately 10 minutes to appease the authorities then cranked up the bass to make the whole place shake. Wicked. I returned home at 7.30am. Apparently. I really don't know.


15/09/06 - Newport
Just had word that Adam's picked the shirts up. His exact words, "Safe as Fuck". They've even redesigned he logo on the front too. Behold!





14/09/06 - Newport
Looks like everything's coming together for the weekend. We're trying to get a venue sorted for a Chainhead bash on the Saturday and looks like we're going for the old tried and tested solution. Adam's on the case with GtB to ensure that everyone attending will be suitably entertained.


13/09/06 - Newport
Our man Gandee's kindly organised to get us some Newport County tops printed for Crow Point. Proper retro design an all. Should look wicked.


12/09/06 - Newport
Watched 'A Tribute to Freddie Mercury' tonight. Apparently Mr. Mercury would have been 60 this week if he were still alive. Then 'Highlander' was on another channel almost immediately afterwards by a strange quirk of fate. For the 2 or 3 people who've never witnessed immortal beings armed with swords battling it out in 80's New York till only one remains, Queen did the soundtrack.


11/09/06 - Newport
It's the Crow Point festival this weekend. We're trying to organise a few bits and pieces to ensure it goes off with a real bang. Going to take a fair bit of blagging, borrowing and asking favours off people but I think it'll be worth it in the end.


10/09/06 - Bognor Regis/Newport
Woke up and didn't know where I was. Came round a bit and remembered I was in a guest house. At least I had somewhere to lay me head to recover from last night and the festivities involved. Today was Manchester Dom's big day. However, he'd found out that he needed to perform some kind of routine to entertain the crowds before he launched himself off the pier. So it was that we set off to try and find a copy of 'Step On' by the Happy Mondays on CD in Bognor Regis on a Sunday morning. An impossible task you may have thought but we managed it through the assistance of one of Dom's mates. Attended the health and safety briefing, grabbed some breakfast then had to head back to the guest house to get Dom prepared. He decided his costume would involve 1 x torn shirt, 1 x pair of ripped trousers and a shit load of green body paint......any idea who he might have gone as?


Fuckin amazing. Didn't realise just how high profile this whole thing was. There were thousands of people lining the beaches with big screens and all sorts. Bonkers. Dom's time came round and he ran to the top of the pier screaming, shouting, grunting and waving his arms around. Then 'Step On' started playing and the Incredible Hulk suddenly transformed into Bez. Brilliant. The crowd started cheering so the green-skinned Madchester Machine tumbled off the pier in response. I was very proud of the boy that day. Well played Manchester Dom son.


09/09/06 - Newport/Bognor Regis
Drove down to Bognor Regis today to hook up with my mate, Manchester Dom. He's off his head. He's taking part in the 'Birdman of Bognor' competition which involves throwing himself off the pier for charity. Couldn't really miss an opportunity to see that. Managed 160 miles in 3 hours or thereabouts so that's not bad going. My newly-acquired Clint Eastwood strap served me well. Made good use of country road secret knowledge that I thought I'd forgotten.

Got down there and finally hooked up with Dom. Had to find a guest house sharpish so had a quick drive round and found a lovely little place with one vacancy left. £35 quid later, we headed off to Dom's guest house so he could have a quick shower and a change of clothes. I made the mistake of setting foot in the property despite not being a paying resident. Apparently, this then allows the guest house owner to launch into a full-blown barrage of how I'm not supposed to be on the premises, how I'm not covered by insurance and how he's had loads of problems with other people staying when they're not paying, etc. For fuck's sake. I explained I just wanted to use the toilet and he hit the fucking roof. With no intention of dealing with a complete wanker after a long drive, I exited the 'guest house' explaining that my friend was staying there, all I needed was a quick slash but if I wasn't welcome, I'd just find a bush to have a piss in instead, thanks very much for the help. Twat.

Went for a Magners in a nearby refreshment centre, then met Dom again. He was thoroughly apologetic for the guest house scenario. It makes things even worse when your mates feel they have to apologise for another dickhead's actions. If I sound like I'm going off on one, it's only because I can't be dealing with petty, small-minded, inferiority complex-suffering megalomanics like the one I'd just encountered. They do my fucking head in. Anyway. We found a nice little pub in the town centre and settled down. Dom had a few of his mates from back in the day down too. Having a look around, certain things started falling into place. Rainbow flags. Entertainment on Mondays and Tuesdays care of 'Judy Glitter'. Then Dom took his trackie top off to reveal a 'Frankie Say Relax' t-shirt and I couldn't stop laughing. A straight man in a gay bar with a 'Frankie Goes To Hollywood' inspired t-shirt. Amazing. As long as I've known him, he inadvertently gets into all sorts of sketches. It's almost as though circumstances conspire against him, inevitably leading him down a dimly lit cul-de-sac of comedy.

There was some kind of 'Birdman of Bognor' reception in a nearby Butlins with free food and booze so we set off towards that. What a strange place. As we walked through the compound, there was some kind of crazy show going off with people flying round on wires and stuff. Spotted some of the fabled Bluecoats wandering round and immediately thought of 'Redcoats', the terrible show on ITV that makes compulsive viewing at Stupid O'Clock in the morning. Is it bluecoats at Butlins and redcoats at Pontins then I wonder...? Regardless, we headed over to the business conference centre and started on the wine and munchables. I can't really handle wine too well but when it's free, hey anything goes. As always, things seemed to get a bit hazy after this. Went to some other bars and stuff. Ended up having a jazz on the beach and Dom ended up in the sea. Had to get to bed soon after this or I wouldn't make it at all.


08/09/06 - Newport
Back to hospital today for another review. Thankfully, they decided to take the plaster off and replace it with an elasticated splint thing that keeps my wrist straight. It's even got a weird leather strap on the inside of my arm that makes me feel like Clint Eastwood. Quality fashion accessory. Proper street.


07/09/06 - Newport
Huw Stephens was back on telly tonight with a lovely documentary all about us called 'Huw's Hi-Fi'. Great stuff. There's footage of me about to perform some kind of ritual sacrifice on Ballsy but it's all in the best possible taste. Have a look at what the Freeview box had to say - good to see they're warning people about content nowadays and/or attracting the key demographic through a warning alone.




06/09/06 - Newport
Can't seem to sleep properly with this fucking plaster on. Must have tried scratching my nose last night and just ended up punching myself in the face.


05/09/06 - Newport
Impromptu Film Club over Graham the Bear's today. Tuned into the Metallica documentary, 'Some Kind of Monster'. Fuckin quality. The 'performance-enhancing coach' is hilarious. Perhaps we need a dude like that working for the band who wears rainbow sweaters, rose-tinted John Lennon glasses and leaves zen-like comments on scraps of paper all over the place. Perhaps I could do it. I think I could be quite good at it.


04/09/06 - Newport
I'd managed to survive Ibiza with a fractured wrist by employing the use of Spanish bandages and masking tape. Back on home shores, I decided that a trip to the A&E department of the Royal Gwent might be in order. To avoid the queues, I thought I'd pop down on a relatively quiet Sunday afternoon only to be surrounded by Sunday League footballers and drunk people who'd fallen out of trees. Bollocks.

The 6 hours flew by with the help of a book, namely 'The Search for Shangri-la: A Journey into Tibetan History' by one Charles Allen. Reading is a great means of passing the time, especially in places like Newport's Accident and Emergency waiting room. I was delivered from a drab, hopeless environment to an amazing place of serenity, soaring high above unscalable mountain peaks. Before long, my name was called and I was ushered into a small office. The doctor present squeezed various parts of my arm to figure out which bits were affected with results ranging from me shaking my head saying, "no, nothing, no pain there" to then screaming "AAAARRRGH!" and trying to stifle further noises with my other arm. Eventually, he figured out I should have a plastercast fi