Mÿstÿ's Mÿstîç Musíñgs


31/12/06 - Newport
We'd discussed heading down to Oriental City for breakfast the night before. So it was that we had roti prata for breakfast. Top quality munch. They're like savoury pancakes served with curry sauce. Sorted me out and set me up for the day. Headed back for a spot more Singstar and chilling time before the inevitable madness of NYE. The Tube was free all night till 4am which gave us a lot more freedom in terms of getting round town.

The lead up to the New Year saw me in Dylan's mate's back garden surrounded by all sorts of nutters setting fire to things, drinking, singing and dancing. Here's hoping you all have a chilled, peaceful yet happily eventful 2007. May all your wildest dreams come true. Even the ones when you're flying round town in your pants just above everyone elses' heads. Good one that is.


30/12/06 - Newport
Woke up very much dazed and confused. Checkout was at 12pm. I woke up at 12.15pm. A polite lady came round and pounded on the door. "When are you going...?" she demanded, unfazed by the sight of me in my pants trying to hide my morning wood. "Erm...right now. I was just...having a wash". She didn't say anything and just walked off. She didn't need to say anything really. Packed up, checked out, loaded the car and fucked off. Next stop, London to see my friends Dylan and Anjali.

It's great spending time with people you haven't seen in ages. I managed to find my way to Dylan and Anjali's place without too much bother. It'd been Dylan's 30th a few days previously so I was hoping to spring a surprise visit on him with Anjali's assistance. I pulled on a skull and crossbones balaclava that Nienke got me for snowboarding and sat patiently in the car. I must have looked like some kind of sex criminal. Got a few confused and concerned looks from passing motorists but just ignored their line of sight. Eventually, Dylan appeared outside, Anjali started laughing at me, I walked past as inconspicuously as possible and Dylan just put his hood up and walked in the opposite direction. I began to follow him until he turned round, laughed and worked out who the nutter was. It was a good reunion.

We had a few drinks, watched some home movies from way, way back in the day and had a go on Singstar, the PlayStation karaoke thing that seems to have gone crazy over Christmas. Amazing. Think my best score was on Steppenwolf's 'Born to be Wild'. Went to bed soon after. Exhausting work all this performing stuff.


29/12/06 - Newport
Headed down to Bletchley Hall for the wedding and reception. This was where codebreakers worked trying to figure out various codes and ciphers during WWII including the German Enigma. I learnt this from wandering round reading stuff on the walls. Had a wonderful time at the wedding and the reception with the relatives, reminiscing about times gone by and finding out what they hope the future holds. Enjoyed a good few drinks then headed off to Wetherspoons with the cousins. Turned out that the pub was open till 1am. Nice.


28/12/06 - Newport
Travelled up to Milton Keynes in preparation for my Auntie's wedding today. All got a bit dodgy when I was stuck on a sliproad joining a motorway with trucks either side of me and ran the risk of being crushed like the police car in 'Cannonball Run'. Luckily, speed was on my side and I continued accelerating whilst chanting a mantra that went along the lines of "fuckshitfuckshitfuck". Checked into the Milton Keynes Central Travelodge and hooked up with the relatives. Haven't seen many of them for a good few years so we had a lovely reunion. Popped out for a few drinks down the local with the younger generations. Soon turned into utter mayhem. Found ourselves in a sports bar, then some kind of multiplex, then a few more bars. Headed back to the Travelodge with my cousins via a burger van. Can't really remember much else. Had to make sure I was up early for tomorrow.


27/12/06 - Newport
Still in too much pain so went down to A&E at 2.30pm. Got back at 8pm. They checked my hand then sent me to wait outside. X-rayed my hand, sent me back again. Called me in, looked at the x-rays, explained that I'd dislocated one finger and slightly fractured another. The consultant turned to me and said, "Have you punched anyone?". I shook my head. He laughed and said, "Well I checked your hand for teeth marks anyway to see if you were lying". They injected my finger, pulled it to realign it and snapped it back into place. Thought they only did that in Vietnam films. Sent me back to get more x-rays done to see if that had fixed it. Luckily, seemed to do the trick. Checked the x-rays, bandaged me up, I thanked them for their time they and sent me on my way. Glad I got it checked out in the end. Didn't mention anything about going snowboarding.


26/12/06 - Newport
Still in loads of pain with my hand. It's not right but I'm fucked if I'm going down A&E over Christmas. Bloody madness. Maybe I'll go tomorrow.


25/12/06 - Newport
Rolled over on my arm in the morning to find my hand swollen and bruised. I am not well and my hand is not responding to commands from my brain. I may be in trouble. Popped over the folks for traditional present opening ceremony and top quality Christmas munch. If I drink then the pain in my hand goes away. Got a copy of 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace' (which I've been raving about for ages), 'The Quiet Earth' and a copy of Ananda Shankar's self-titled album. Quite partial to a spot of sitar music every now and then. Wicked sounds. Got a Robopet from my brother and a crazy speaker I can hook my iPod up to and listen in the shower. Jazz club. Have a lovely time, wherever you are, whatever you do. Look after each other now and all the time. Peace out, yo.


24/12/06 - Newport
So this is Christmas. Peace and goodwill to you all. Had a lock in down a local pub. May have inadvertently dirtied myself half way through the session but managed a surprisingly thorough cleanup operation and continued the jollity undistressed. Hurt my hand in a door/wall/corner of pub and was reportedly banging my fists upon the table/chair/bar in excitement of it being Christmas. Can recall having a go on the 'Wheel of Misfortune', a large cartwheel suspended by chains behind the bar with optics attached. Whichever one is hanging over your head after a good spin is going to either pick you up or knock you down. Fortune smiled upon me: dark rum. Not a problem. Can't really remember much else. Think I may have walked home shortly after.


23/12/06 - Newport
Adam and Graham the Bear invited me over for a Christmas do today. Adam prepared his 'Special Bangers & Mash' which involves a lovely coarse grain mustard in the mash and posh sausages. Most excellent. GtB was in charge of entertainment and selected 'Carry on Christmas '69' (special guest appearance from Frankie Howerd, fucking amazing) which was actually much funnier than it sounds, more of his beloved Queen documentary and 'Project Grizzly', a documentary about a dude obsessed with creating a Bear Attack-Proof Suit. Ended up getting hammered and getting home at Stupid O'Clock (which means I can't remember what time it was but shocked even myself when I checked the time in my inebriated state).


22/12/06 - Newport
Took part in a filmed interview concerning the dangers of dodgy weed that seems to be on the rise at the moment. Apparently, dealers are adding all sorts of stuff to bunk weed to make it look like it's covered in THC crystals: Glass, toilet disinfectant, any old shit really. Nasty business. It's got to be bad news when even green's being tampered with to make a raise. Bloody rubbish.

Enjoyed 'Clockwise' with John Cleese along with some cod and chips and a lovely chilled cider. That's living alright.


21/12/06 - Newport
Strictly chilling today. Watched 'Father Ted Christmas Special' and 'Equilibrium', in between naps on the sofa with my feet up in front of the fire. Started feeling a bit more like Christmas when I saw a robin hopping about on a fence in the garden.


20/12/06 - Newport
Drove Maggot to Cardiff International Airport (near Barry Island Pleasure Park) to fly up to Scotland for the holidays. We'd got half way when he discovered that his flight had been cancelled due to fog. He decided to go for the train route instead. Good thing he did, the fog didn't clear for another couple of days. Picked up the finished podcasts from Xain. Got back and worked some magic. Converted, compressed, uploaded and streamed the podcasts for all to enjoy.

That Winter chill is setting in now so went for the classic Giant Yorkshire pudding option with Scottish beef sausages, mixed vegetables and lovely thick gravy. Top Winter Warmer.


19/12/06 - Newport
Had a proper GLC end of year party on the bus on the way home. I got fucking smashed. Champagne, cider, fun and games. Arrived back at 5am. Called Dragon Taxis to help us out of this one. Got back and found I couldn't actually sleep till 7am. Then I woke up at 4pm. We all hooked up again down GLC Towers to record some 'End of Tour' podcasts late at night to document our temporary descent into madness while it was still fresh in our twisted minds.


18/12/06 - Wolverhampton/Newport
Christmas is a time to show people your appreciation for the care and hard work they offer you. Accordingly, half way through our soundcheck we gave Dr. Cum, Stan the Man, Chris Bouchelle and Dax some Christmas presents as a thank you for their dedication to the cause on a tour that has seen many ups and downs but plenty of laughs along the way. Imagine the surprise and delight on their faces when they received a rubber vadge each with accompanying thoroughly rude bits and pieces. I believe the technical term is a 'Juicy Lucy' with the strapline, 'Just Like the First Time'. Well deserved boys. Good work.

Big venue this one. Very tired today but it's the last show of the tour so time to go out all guns blazing like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Wonderful show despite the soundesk going down half way through. Don't really think too many people noticed. Soon back on track again and launched straight into 'Charm School' to get the crowd moving. Milly Hussain and Kerryclart joined us on stage for an end of tour Penis too. Wicked.

A big shout to everyone who came to see us after the show, cheers for stopping by. A big shout to everyone who came to see us at every show too. Thanks for making the Christmas Tour one of the maddest most memorable Chain-based events in a long time. Can remember stumbling back onto the Mothership, tired but happy and looking forward to a good old fashioned lie down for a very long time. Well deserved, I might add.


17/12/06 - Inverness/Wolverhampton
Didn't really get to see a lot of Inverness but it was a lovely venue. Popped off for some munch. Got back to the Mothership to discover loads of my stuff had gone missing. Thoroughly perplexed. No one else had been on the bus and my bag hadn't left the bus either but stuff had been removed and was nowhere to be seen. No clean pants, no clean socks, no show t-shirts. No sign of it anywhere. No one else could shed any light on it either. Proper strange.

Despite everyone falling to pieces at the back end of the tour, we were determined to give the show of our sweet young lives. I assembled an outfit for the show with what little leish I had remaining. Still couldn't figure out where it might have gone. Had a top show. Billy Webb had a fall half way through his verse after some dickhead chucked a pint at the stage. Without missing a beat he was back on his feet, still rapping with a swagger and all the nonchalance of an international playboy. Well done Bill. Top shit.

Last show tomorrow. Over the top. The final push. War spirit. Death or glory.


16/12/06 - Glasgow/Inverness
Wandered into Glasgow town centre with Adam. I'd forgotten it was one of the last weekends before Christmas so there were people packing the streets. Saw a full size replica Alien made out of pipes and industrial bits and pieces. Adam suggested that we steer clear of shopping malls cos it'd be just like the zombie movies. I agreed. We grabbed some soup from Pret-A-Minger and headed back stopping by at a snowboarding shop on the way. We're off to Tignes for some snowboarding malarkey in January so I wanted to have a quick look at the kind of stuff we'd need but couldn't possibly afford.

When we got back to the venue, we discovered the security firm had decided to start throwing their weight around. We were prevented from walking through the club to the tourbus and had to walk all the way round in the rain instead. Various other things started occuring too. Warmy B off the GLC Forum was refused entry to the show. We tried our best to get her in but all attempts to convince our security friends that she represented little or no real threat fell on deaf ears. Bloody rubbish. With all this going on, we had to concentrate on pulling off another good show on another tiny stage. Still managed to have a damn good time with the GLC Forum members who were allowed in and the other assembled crowd. Managed to pack up after, get out, quick shower, then hook up with everyone in a bar round the corner. Good to see Bibs & Co. in an area. Thanks to you lot who made it all the way up there.

Had to meet up with local legend Riz Eastborn and his mate Alec before we left, both of whom were refused entry to the show too. They took me and Maggot back to a pub that Alec runs for a couple of drinks and a bit of catching up. Lovely to see those boys. Top hospitality. They even dropped us back up at the tourbus too. Cheers lads. Got back onto the Mothership, cracked open another cider when a shout went up from Tom. "Some bloke outside just twatted me in the face!". That was all we needed to gather up the posse and launch ourselves from the tourbus like a modern day Trojan Horse. We surrounded three lads outside that Tom identified as the culprits. They seemed shocked at the amount of blokes still piling out until Dax, our merchandise dude, jumped out pissed, shouted something incomprehensible then flew arse over tit on his head. As he pulled himself to his feet, brushed himself down and regained his composure, I couldn't help laughing at the fact that someone had drawn a felt-tip pen musketeer moustache on his top lip. With this kind of intimidating backup, Tom couldn't lose. The boys in question apologised, one said he'd pushed his mate, the other said he'd tried to get on the bus and slipped but both still refused to acknowledge the fact that Tom had been punched. Tom waved his finger and told them in no uncertain terms not to go around hitting people again. A lesson for those boys learnt, we set off again and decided to travel off to Inverness. Dax, it would seem, was still wandering round downstairs on the bus trying to locate his lost musketeers.


15/12/06 - Aberdeen/Glasgow
Woke up, had a potter around then wandered inside the venue. Seemed like a cool place. The dressing room had a proper 80's Fame Dance Studio vibe about it. Another quick soundcheck, then headed downstairs for some munch. I took up the offer of the 'Best Chicken Sandwich in the World'. At that stage, both me and Master of Lights, Chris Bouchelle were inclined to agree. Had to start getting ready for the show again soon after. Some of Marvin the Martian's boys were suffering so I offered them my elixir of life, honey, lemon and ginger and assorted other medications. If it works well for me, it's only fair to pass the knowledge on elsewhere.

Good old show. People tended to get closer and closer as they enjoyed themselves more and more. Showered at a hotel next door. I went up with Hattsy, had a lovely shower then we settled down to watch Pink Floyd in concert on telly with a few cans. It started off with an amazing light show with green lazers and crazy films being played to the assembled crowds. Just as were enjoying ourselves, Tomothy gave us a knock and we had to set off again. After stepping over a number of Booze War Casualties in the street, we made it back to the Mothership and set forth.

On the way to Glasgow, we stopped off at probably the best motorway service station in the world. They had fucking everything and much more besides. Eggs got loads of toys. I got what I'd been after for ages, a locally made Scotch pie twinpack and a car air freshener that read 'BAD BOY' on a license plate. Simple pleasures are still the best around, eh? Fuck yes.


14/12/06 - Aberdeen
Had a truly relaxing day off today. Utilized the toilet facilities of a local sports bar that we were parked next to then headed off to enjoy a romantic meal with Billy Webb. I should have bought him some roses we had such a nice time. Steak and chips, cider, Kasabian playing in the background, get in nice. Picked up some Beecham's Flu Plus on special offer on the way back. Good to have before going to sleep.

Watched 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' and some 'Dirty Sanchez' that Ballsy had picked up along his travels. Later on, Adam and Maggot turned up absolutely hammered. Adam had tinsel wrapped round his head. Seems they had a wonderful time. We were parked right outside the entrance to the venue we were playing the next day and a bar opposite so things started getting rowdy outside as more people turned up. Quite enjoyed watching them really. It was like we weren't even there. You can learn a lot about the human condition from just watching people. How they behave when alone, how they interact with others, how their behaviour changes when they're in large groups and of course, what happens when they're rammed full of booze and ready to take the World on. It's strange trying to go to sleep when you're surrounded by people outside shouting, screaming and singing with the ever present chorus of police sirens nearby. A reverse, upside down anti-dawn chorus, if you will. Gave up trying to sleep and joined the boys at the back of the bus for a bit. Got some Queen on while things died down outside. Imagine our amazement when we heard a group of people singing along to 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love' outside. Brilliant.


13/12/06 - Sheffield/Aberdeen
Woke up just in time for soundcheck so must have slept in. Up at Sheffield's The Plug tonight. Funny old venue this. Last time we were here, Bez's band Domino Bones were supporting us (see 18/02/06) and we had all sorts of problems with the shower backstage tripping the power out. Hopefully, they'll have had that fixed by now. Popped out for drinks afterwards with Maggot, Billy, Melissa and Wrob. Found a comic store round the corner and Maggot became transfixed by an 18" action model of Freddie Mercury that sings a medley of Queen songs including 'We Will Rock You', 'Radio Ga Ga' & 'We Are The Champions'. It was like when King Arthur first laid eyes on Excalibur. An immediate purchase, Maggot secured Freddie safely on the bus and we set off again. Headed down a pub after some local knowledge had been sought, had a few drinks, off to another bar then back to get ready for the show.

Another good old time. More drinks to be enjoyed backstage, lovely companionship and a warm shower to finish the night off. Top stuff. Day off in Aberdeen to look forward to tomorrow so a big drive with plenty more drinks and a singing Freddie Mercury to keep our spirits up. What could be better...?




12/12/06 - Newport/Sheffield
Should have been the London show today which would have been a blinder but this was sadly cancelled. Headed back Portwise for much chillage in own beddage. Nice. Here are some random snaps from the tour so far to keep you going.....

         



11/12/06 - Brighton/Newport
Ah, Brighton. Woke up aboard the Mothership outside the Concorde down on the seafront. Absolutely battering it down outside. There's something truly melancholic about seaside resorts out of season but I love it. There's an air of tranquility and calm where once there was screaming and excitement. Bit like wandering through the aftermath of a large festival when everyone's gone home. There's a sense of people having had amazing experiences and leaving part of that experience behind for others to pick up on.

Had the great pleasure of hooking up with Melissa from Liverpool and Wrob from across the pond for a few drinks. We had a good old chat and pottered along to a wicked bar at the end of the pier with all sorts of crazy shit hanging from the roof. I love little hidden places like that. That's the other thing about touring. When you're in a place that you enjoy, you never take it for granted. You might never visit that place again in your life so you learn to appreciate your surroundings. Had a wonderful time drinking and discussing matters important to us. Got a traditional cod and chips then headed back to the venue again for a soundcheck. Began gearing up for the show. More honey, lemon and ginger with the added bonus of a double medicinal whisky this time. So good I had another one.

The show was amazing, even if I say so myself. The venue was rammed and the response was amazing. There were people hanging off the walls towards the end. Quality street. Good to see people can enjoy themselves on a Monday evening. Had a great time at the aftershow. Met some top people who welcomed us warmly. A big shout goes out to Dragon Lodge John, Melissa and Wrob and of course the truly delightful Ms. Chris and cheeky Soraya. Big love to all who came down. Hope you enjoyed it all as much as we did.


10/12/06 - Norwich/Brighton
Ah, the Norwich UEA. Lovely to be back. There was talk of another roast on down in the student union but we had a look and it may well have killed me the way I was feeling at the time. Just settled for a bottle of Lucozade instead. It's strange, the taste of Lucozade reminds me of being ill and being nursed back to health again. Rammed another honey, lemon and ginger in my head and came round a bit.

Had Nando's takeout for tea. I'm a big Nando's fan but it would appear that they haven't quite mastered the art of the takeout food vibe just yet. Everything appears in a big congealed mess with a nice selection of mini sauces but it's just not the same. My advice to you my friends: Go for a Nando's sit down or don't bother at all.

Proper wiped out after the munch so enjoyed an 'individual rest', as Eggs likes to say. Woke up dazed and confused but a fair bit better. At least I knew where I was which is always a bonus. Got my shit together, focussed on the job at hand and had a wicked show. Had a good laugh afterwards too. Had a chance meeting with Shaun, a bus driver we'd also had ages ago. He was driving round the support band for Dragonforce who are doing the rounds at the moment. Lovely to see him. Also met Agent77 who wanted me and Adam to do an interview for the Howard Marks site. We were pretty battered at this stage so don't recall what we might have mentioned too much. Sure it was good though. Eggs had a large older lady attempt to cup him after taking a photograph outside so he panicked, made his excuses and desperately sought the sanctuary of the Mothership. This is a classic example of the risks you take when on tour.


09/12/06 - Stafford/Norwich
Another crazy venue, another crazy day, another crazy show. Did some interview stuff and tried to find some grub to no avail. Feeling the tour fatigue power today. Decided to combat this with a special blend of honey, lemon and freshly chopped ginger. Seemed to do the trick for a bit. Felt like my voice was coming back slowly but surely.

We set off for a Thai restaurant nearby that had come highly recommended. Another sit down Christmas meal affair. I decided on the old faithful Tom Yaam Goong as I've now discovered it's called. Blew my fucking head off but did the trick. Top shit. Always guaranteed to feel better after Thai munchings.

Returned to the Sports Bar/Superman's Ice Home venue for the show. More and more people turned up just to find out what all the noise was about. Did a crazy run to the Sports Block to get some well deserved showers then took off for our next destination. It's a funny state of affairs being on tour. You exist in lots of different locations only for a short time then move onto the next, never stopping, always moving like a travelling circus. That's why you have to relax when you can. That and the fact it's quite nice to do so.


08/12/06 - Cardiff/Stafford
Disaster strook the good ship HMS Bellend Crew at about 7am. The Mothership must have been in some discomfort, threw a rear wheel that then bounced down a valley and ended up in a field of bemused cows. I got a shout from Killer Tomothy saying, "Get up! Police outside! Get off bus! Grab all you can! Go now! Save yourselves!". That's probably not what he said but that's all I could make out as I'd only just woken up. It must have been a proper comedy sketch to watch what happened next. I for one was staggering round in my pants trying to stuff all my worldy possessions in various plastic bags that I keep close to the bunk in case of such dire situations. Upon leaving the bus, we discovered that the police were in fact directing traffic round the bus as it was perched perilously on the side of a roundabout, Italian Job vibe. Our new transport arrived in the form of a Cliff Richards style holiday bus. We knew we were in trouble when we read the legend 'Pontypool Coach Travel' on the back. Fair play though, they managed to get us back to Newport from where we'd been stranded a few miles outside Monmouth so I wasn't complaining.

Got back to the Port and crashed till 4pm. Needed that. Regrouped to board the Mothership Mk. II along with our old friend Dean, the first bus driver we ever had. That was a nice surprise. Talking of surprises, we were overjoyed to discover that two other old friends, Rosco P Coltrane and Postman Pot aka the 'Back Door Posse' (BDP) were joining us on our journey of group-discovery for a few days. Good hearty laughs and not much sleep guaranteed. Headed off to Cardiff for the next exciting stage of our Festive Adventures. Cardiff Student Union's a funny place with plenty of turning and twisting tunnels to both excite and confuse. I didn't have a clue where I was half the time. No change there then. Had a spot of Chinese munch, grabbed some leish, changed, did some stretches then cracked open some Bows. A well-structured and familiar regime enables one to focus and fulfill untapped potential. Oh yes.

Crazy show. Loads of heads down for the party vibe. Headed down for some casual aftershow drinks only to be swept up on waves of inebriated madness as people started screaming, running towards me and going mental. Haven't had reactions like that for a while. Not since I walked into a bar with my old boy out anyway. Only difference is that back then they were still screaming but running in the other direction. Hooked up with some old Cardiff chums I hadn't seen in ages and had a good old fashioned chat about the state of things in general. Thus began the inevitable process of late night drinking from quite early on. When on tour and despite all our best intentions, we never set out to have really late nights. They just tend to happen.


07/12/06 - Cambridge/Cardiff
Ooooh, lovely venue this one - Cambridge Junction no less. We had a crazy interview for 'playmusic' magazine that took the form of a University Challenge type thing. You can check out the results below, behold!

     


Found a crazy device in the venue reminiscent of the device that Ripley used to fight the big monster at the end of Aliens. Except it had wheels as opposed to legs. Erm....may have even been just a glorified forklift truck crossed with a cherry picker but I thought it had some kind of hidden cosmic applications. Thankfully we had a lovely Nando's next door so weren't going to go without the good shit today. Got chatting to some delightful twins behind the hot dog stand at the back of the venue, known hereafter as the 'Hot Dog Twins'. References were made to 'hot meat products', 'how do you get your lips round that', etc. etc. and they actually found it quite funny. I like to think so anyway. Hot dog vendors by day, sexy club dancers by night apparently. Look out for them.

Landmark show tonight. Everything suddenly came together and we all felt right at home on stage again. Not that it wasn't a polished performance prior to this you understand, it's just that after tonight, it felt like everything was working. Later on, we managed to acquire a number of rolls of giant industrial strength gaffer tape. Initially undecided what we should do with our newly acquired rolled-up adhesive worlds of fun, it was suggested by Eggs that we play a game on the bus late at night referred to as 'Prison Murder'. This involved tearing off strips of tape in preparation for the attack, gathering the assailants together, surrounding the victim's bunk, uttering the trigger words, "Execute him! Execute him!", then attacking in absolute silence. The victim was, of course, Dr. Cum. The assailants were, of course, everyone else. This happened three times in the space of about half an hour before the assailants got bored and just went to bed instead.


06/12/06 - Newport/Cambridge
A proper lie down does wonders for the mind, body and soul. I awoke feeling fully refreshed and ready for action. Pottered about, went to Cardiff, hooked up with Tomothy for a spot of experimental science, drove back to the Port, had some munch, packed up again, watched a bit of crap telly, set off to pick up the other boys then got back on board the Mothership. Watched Terminator 3 (or 'T3' as the kids put it) for the first part of the night. Although as Eggs was saying, it never showed 'The Rise of the Machines' with robots ripping people apart and blowing stuff up, for me personally it cleared up a time travel paradox that plagued the previous two films. Here we go, once again hold tight, this one'll blow the cobwebs out if you're not focussed, strapped in and paying attention....

Right, Kyle Reese is sent back in time to protect Sarah Connor from the Terminator. The Terminator is sent back through time by Skynet to kill Sarah Connor and consequently prevent John Connor, future leader of the human resistance from being born. Kyle Reese, as we discover, has sexy times with Sarah Connor and turns out to be John Connor's father. If Kyle Reese is successful in his mission, then we assume that John Connor survived, led the human resistance and brought Skynet crashing down. However if Skynet was destroyed, no Terminator would have been sent back in time negating the need for Kyle Reese to be sent back to protect Sarah Connor meaning that John Connor would never have been born. Bit of a cock up that. Oh, hang on - unless the Terminator was sent back in time as a last ditch attempt to kill Sarah Connor as Skynet knew it was on the verge of being defeated. Fuck, my head's hurting now. Anyway, T3 basically clears up the entire thing by saying that, no, we never had a choice in the matter anyway, the whole thing was predestined and nothing we could do was ever going to stop loads of killer robots going on the rampage and Skynet taking over the world. That's a relief, eh..?

On a lighter note, we concluded the evening's entertainment with Ballsy's choice, the Happy Mondays Live in Barcelona DVD with an interview with Shaun Ryder. Incidentally, they played in a venue called Razzmatazz in Barcelona which is where we played too. I like to think we were just as coherent.


05/12/06 - Swansea/Newport
Woke up to hear a garbled conversation between two people whose identities I couldn't ascertain. The only parts I could make out were the words 'hit by floods', 'must be joking' and 'fucking deathtrap'. Turned out that Swansea University had suffered some flood damage during the storms resulting in the show being moved to a different venue. From what I understand, the venue selected had no stage to offer so they'd erected one themselves with the help of two drum risers stuck together directly beneath a bundle of potentially lethal exposed electrical wires. Looks like even we couldn't attempt to pull this one off.

An executive decision was made and we decided to head back to Newport, epicentre of all things safe. It'd be nice to have a little break anyway, particularly after the adventures we'd had already. Got back, passed out on the sofa for a bit, had some munch and enjoyed 'Story of Ricky'. Incidentally, if you're a little screamish, don't click the previous link unless you're unfazed by images of eyeballs popping out of faces, heads exploding and other such horrific kung-fu inspired madness. Admittedly, not the most relaxing film to sit down and enjoy a bit of chilling to but entertaining nonetheless. Went to bed soon after. Lovely to be back in my own bed again. Surely the most efficient way of healing oneself is in your own bed when dealing with these kinds of affairs.


04/12/06 - Nottingham/Swansea
Must have been a late one last night, up at 4pm today. Bloody hell. As opposed to appearing at Rock City, we were round the corner in a place with a very cramped stage for our needs called the 'Rescue Rooms'. After soundcheck we were presented with a massive plate of curly fries with dairylea slices on top. I was quite happy but some of the other boys seemed rather upset by this offering to the Gods of Deep Fried Muck and decided to locate food elsewhere. Admittedly, it's not going to keep you alive but it'll keep hunger away temporarily and prevent the onset of starvation.

The show was always going to be a bit of a struggle on a stage of this size but I like to think that we retained our ken sense of dignity and professionalism along with entertaining the lovely people that came down. There even seemed to be an under-18's section upstairs where enthusiastic teenagers could scream excitedly and sing along with everyone else. I spotted DJ Euphoria (Retired) in the crowd who kept trying to hand me a can of Strongbow throughout the show. Good on you son. Had a nice little chat with him and his missus afterwards. Still interested in getting those old skool rave mixes off you bra, give us a shout.

Also ran into Tony Surgeon and Doris who enjoy the Chain vibe. They presented us with one of the most incredible pieces of Turkish action adventure ever committed to celluloid - 'Death Warrior'. Amazing stuff. If, like me, you were unaware of the madness that is Turkish cinema, do take note. It's like the man responsible for editing the film stayed up all night with several bottles of absinthe and a basic grasp of what the film should be about which would explain consecutive scenes involving a swordfight in the middle of a housing estate, furry handed ninjas and a couple lounging lovingly on the beach.

We always knew that the shower situation might be a bit desperate in the venue so all chipped in for a day room in the hotel next door. I'm glad we did. Enjoyed a lovely shower to make me feel human again then began drinking late on into the night. It must have been a few hours later when we got a knock at the tourbus door from a couple requesting an interview. No idea what kind of questions they asked, let alone what answers we gave so I'll have to look out for that one. I can remember the bus setting off and being sat downstairs when there was an almighty crash and part of the ceiling warped then bent neatly back into shape, like in the Matrix. Fearing that I may have inadvertently ingested hallucinogens during part of the evening's festivities, I was both relieved and humoured to discover upon further investigation that Cummer had tumbled out of the top bunk upstairs. Verily, the noise and commotion caused by such an event was akin to a horny rhinocerous attempting to have sex with the tourbus. Much laughter and subsequent drinking ensued late on into the night.


03/12/06 - Leeds/Nottingham
Resurfaced at 2pm. Looks like this is going to be the Official Tour Average Mysty Awakening time from here on in. Had another monster soundcheck just to ensure we're on top of our game. The student union roast dinner promised didn't really deliver but we were fucking starving so just rammed it in.

Had a good old fashioned knees up tonight and were honoured to be joined by the one, the only Mr. Howard Marks and Dave Beer, veteran of the dance scene from as far back as the heady days of 1988 when I would have just been sat around in my pants listening to Deep Heat compilations. Much like today then.

 

Had a couple of drinks then headed off to some crazy rave club to check out the local scene accompanied by select hardcore members of the GLC Forum Crew. Lovely stuff. Turned out this was the same place that Uncle Howard was spinning some tunes or something and he was happy to be reunited with us again. So much so that he invited us back to his pad for a few afterhours jazz enjoyment sessions.

So it was that me, Adam, Zoeknowsit and Warmy B accompanied the legend that is Mr. Marks back to his house. It had a fantastic homely, Hobbit hole kind of vibe with a distinctly nautical flavour. A little later I began receiving frequent calls from Killer Tomothy (Tour Manager and Skilled Choonspinner) enquiring as to our present location and current state of mind. Encouraged by Adam, I had to tell him that we weren't too far away and we'd be back soon. The truth was that we were battered and didn't have a fucking clue where we were. I hate telling lies but Adam seemed to believe it was a necessary evil. Perhaps it was. It's not every day you're welcomed into Howard Marks' place and encouraged to swap stories of hedonism, tales of the ancients and firsthand tales of excess. Soon enough, it was time to make a move so Uncle Howard signed a couple of copies of his new book 'Senor Marks' for us and walked us back to civilization. Truly a fantastic host in every sense of the word. Dear Mr. Marks, we salute you. Tomothy made an appearance looking worried and agitated in a taxi so we bid our fond farewells to Zoe and Warmy B and headed back to the Mothership. Another wonderful night to remember....or not as the case may be.


02/12/06 - Liverpool/Leeds
Woke up at 2pm. Must have been tired from the night before but it just goes to show how the sleep deficit can creep up on you. Either that or the fact that I can sleep for ages provided I'm lying down somewhere and remain relatively undisturbed. Big soundcheck to run through the new tunes with Dr. Cum, Stan the Man and allow Bouchelle to key up the lights. Lovely to see those boys again. They may think they're just members of the sound and lighting crew but in reality, they're the scientists who keep the good ship HMS Bellend Crew afloat. Without them we may as well board the lifeboats and start rowing round in circles.


Wandered down to one of these posh eateries that seem so popular these days called Ask. I know it's a chain, I know it's not even posh in a lot of people's eyes but it is for me. It involved having a sit down meal with people who seemed to be out having a Christmas office do so we decided to do the same. We met up with Dirty Bobby, one of the old skool Port connections, enjoyed a few drinks, pulled some crackers, rammed some munch in and made our way back to the bus. Hooked up with my man Manchester Dom and his mate Bob. Got warmed up in a bar round the corner from the Academy and felt suitably refreshed by the time I made my way back to the venue. On with the first show of the tour....

Met Marvin the Martian and Co. who'd be supporting us for the duration of the tour. Top boys, they were as excited as us to be out on the open road for adventures and good times. Luckily for us, the new tunes went down really well. Adam made his first appearance as a snowman on stage. A lovely time to be had by all. Had a good collection of heads in the dressing room with the delectable Melissa and ever charming Galaxy Jo amongst others. Lovely to see them all. Melissa invited us down to a club called Magnet where she does all the responsible running of things, organising events and ensuring people are happy. They had some mentalist band on complete with a dude in silver leisurewear on the decks, industrial goth types and an aborigine dude with facepaint dancing and waving a stick aggressively at the assembled crowd. Top stuff.

Made it back to the bus again, battered, bruised and tired but happy with how the first night had turned out. Onward and upward from here.....


01/12/06 - Newport/Liverpool
And so the December Mayhem begins. Woke up pretty worse for wear this morning...erm...afternoon. Had a continual process of getting up and then having to lie back down again. It happens sometimes. It's just to allow you to reset the system and find your bearings. Something like that anyway. Popped down to GLC Towers, employed a spot of science and got the podcasts up and running. Bit more last minute tour practice then headed back for a spot of much needed munch before setting off on our travels. Appropriately enough, 'National Lampoon's Animal House' was on so I caught the end half of that, enjoyed some toasted vegeburger sandwiches with mayonnaise and jalapenos, rammed whatever shit I could remember to pack in a load of bags and headed off at the appointed time.

Picked up some of the other boys who were having a nightmare finding a taxi in Newport on a Friday night, boarded the lovely Mothership and set off into the night. Responsibly enough, we all made it to bed before 4am which must be some kind of record. Looks like we're keeping it locked down for the start of the tour but I very much doubt this seemingly responsible behaviour will last.....


30/11/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Just before proceedings kick off for the Chain-inspired madness that is the 'Christmas Party (Doing It For the Taxman) Tour', we'd been invited up to the Coal Exchange in Cardiff for the Pop Factory awards. Fuckin hilarious. Loads of heads down there in various states of inebriation. Spotted some boys from Pep Le Pew who supported us for some dates back in the day, Chris Kneebone from BBC Llandaff and many others. Eddy Temple-Morris made an appearance to chants of 'EDD-IE, EDD-IE' initiated by our table. Fair play to him. Our rowdiness and general misbehaviour was rewarded with the presentation of a crate of Strongbow from the catering staff, bless em. I went into space soon after. Billy Webb went MIA despite requests for him to return with us back to the Port. Reports received later on indicate that he may have run into a spot of bother by falling through a table, catapulting everything resting upon it across the room. He then found himself coming round in Cardiff with no lift back, no money and no hope of returning home at a reasonable hour. Being the resourceful young man he is though, he made it back nonetheless. A lot later than the rest of us but at least he still made it back alive. Good lad. Another medal for bravery to add to your collection Billiam Webb.


29/11/06 - Newport
Well, nearly time for the December tour so much washing of pants, socks and leisurewear required. It's one thing to be ready for action but the mental determination needed to see the job through can take a while to muster. Plenty of sleep seems to be the best way forward. Certainly works for me.


28/11/06 - Newport
Off down to GLC Towers for a run through of the new material we'll be trying our hands at during the tour. Think it should work well. There are a good few singalong numbers, a couple of bangers and a few surprises in store too. Can't wait to get this shit on the road. Exciting times to be had by all.


27/11/06 - Newport
Still not well today. Much lying down and recovery time required. Horizontal standby mode once again order of the day.


26/11/06 - Newport
So that's the weird thing. I woke up today at 7pm, having slept soundly in an underground rave club (albeit a comfortable one) for approximately 10 hours. Big ups to Jayne who looked after me, talked me out of my own dazed psychosis and provided companionship when I had been through the wars. Slightly out of sorts, I made my apologies for making the place look untidy and left for a suitably relaxing lie down.


25/11/06 - Newport
Graham the Bear asked me to assist him with an MC/DJ partnership of legendary proportions today - Leeroy Fashions' Birthday Madness aka The Fash Bash. He worked out the set and I worked out some rhymes that would later play absolutely no part in our formidable performance. We made it down to the recording studio on an industrial estate not so far, far away and found one Big G cranking up the party sounds. As per usual, I can't really recall a whole lot about this event. I can remember shouting random obscenities, urging people to get up and involve themselves in what I apparently referred to as 'sexy dancing' and also allegedly threatened anyone who refused, in a jokey non-threatening way of course. As long as everyone had a good time, that's alright. I came round at 7pm the very next day on a sofa in the studio, out of my head and thoroughly bemused to discover that proceedings were still in full swing. I was informed I'd passed out on a picnic table inside alongside several others, then moved onto the sofa a little later. GtB was supposed to have been looking after me and did a good job till he discovered that it wasn't me he'd been watching but a pile of jackets and a rucksack. An easy mistake to make in such a situation I suppose.


24/11/06 - Newport
It's alright, the car's fixed again. Almost like it never happened at all. Well, kind of. There are some weird dents to the rear wheel arch but I think that adds character. At least I can still drive the fucking thing.


23/11/06 - Newport
Bollocks. Reversed my car into a stationary barrier today. Problem being that it was a sunken angled wooden post so it caught under the back wing of my car and left it hanging off when I tried to free it. Shit like this always happens at the worst of times, when in a rush to get things done and when it's pissing it down outside. Good news is that it may just be a bolt that's sheared so I should be able to get the thing back on with a bit of ingenuity and a spot of assistance. Bad things that happen due to my own lack of care and attention are some of the things I find it hardest to deal with. The inevitable questions of what I could have done to prevent it seem to take priority over the more immediate practical things to do next.


22/11/06 - Newport
Heard from reliable sources today that there's another new club opening in Newport. It's called 'Eternaty'. No really. That's what the sign says above the establishment. Amazing. I know anyone can make a mistake but I doubt it's actually supposed to be some kind of clever play on words. I wonder if anyone's said anything to them yet...?


21/11/06 - Newport
We made a joint decision that good Winter fare was on the cards for the inhabitants of GLC Towers today. After picking up the necessary ingredients for a homemade shepherd's pie at half five, we actually sat down to our meal five hours later. You've got to be prepared to wait for good quality munch sometimes. Various band members succumbed to food whiteys due to intense intake of food shortly after.


20/11/06 - Newport
If there's one thing to be said about Autumn, it's that besides the crisp air and the colours of leaves on the trees, you get some amazing sunsets. Here's one for you to enjoy....and I truly hope you do. Brought a warm glow to my spirit anyway.




19/11/06 - Newport
Recorded a shitload of new podcasts today. We're planning on getting them up over Christmas for you lovely lucky people. They take the form of a 'GLC Review of the Year', a 'GLC News Review of the Year' and the 'GLC Chart Rundown'. They should all be good but the latter should include some brand new exclusive content that you can snap up and download for free right here. Ding dong!


18/11/06 - Newport
Back down to GLC Towers today. In between all this, myself, Eggs and Adam popped down to our local Tescos to stock up on essential supplies. As I was waiting for the others, I was leaning against a weird pod thing with a sliding panel that opened up vertically. Lo and behold, I had discovered a CCTV station on the shop floor with more buttons than the Tardis and a joystick that controlled the movements of the cameras. Brilliant. I called Adam over and revealed my findings. Amazed, he gazed in awe as I took control and started following the movements of anonymous shoppers and fit checkout birds. Suddenly, the camera began controlling itself again against my command so....we did a runner. Have a look in your local superstore. You too can take the power back temporarily, if you're observant, curious and lucky.


17/11/06 - Newport
Headed down to a student ball at Exeter University today. Can't recall too much about so must have had a good time. Seem to remember thinking it was all quite posh, eating some chicken stuff then having some cider. I think it might have been dodgy chicken personally.


16/11/06 - Newport
Here's a brief snapshot of life at GLC Towers. These are the kinds of strange sights to behold when you pass through the hallowed doors....

 



15/11/06 - Newport
Had the great honour and privilege of being invited to a Prince's Trust bash in Cardiff City Hall with Maggot tonight. Had a bit of a problem trying to find his hotel and was wandering up and down St. Mary's street trying to find what seemed to be a hidden doorway to Narnia. We eventually found each other, got our shit together and headed on over. Proper posh do this turned out to be. Loads of drinks, top munch, interesting people and plenty of madness. Here's a good one of Chairman Maggot, proper regal like.....


And a rare chance to see one of me in a suit with one of the Prince's Trust winners....


After a truly delightful time, we stumbled back to the hotel again. Can't really remember a whole lot after this. Apparently we had a look at the hotel bar and Maggot had to look after me for a change. Thus, the hunter becomes the hunted.


14/11/06 - Newport
Seek and yo shall findeth. There is a way. I knew it. You've got to love the shit and sellotape school of html coding. Meet the new GLC MySpace accounts. Myspace.com/goldielookinchainmusic and myspace.com/glcsoundsystem. Lovely stuff and see - a virtual player with no limits on tracks available. Fuckin come on!


13/11/06 - Newport
Been trying to get to grips with this whole MySpace malarkey today. For fuck's sake, they don't make it easy. I've sent off a load of mails trying to get assistance with the virtual player to no avail. I'm trying to find a way of streaming more than four tracks on one account. There must be a way. There has to be.....


12/11/06 - Newport
It's been a while since I had a deep philosophical rant, so hold tight, here we go again.....

What's it all about...? Why are we here...? What are we doing...? Where are we going...? Are we all doing what we're supposed to be doing...? Could we do it differently...? How do we know...? When will we know...? Who's going to let us know...? So many questions. If anyone finds out, are they allowed to tell anyone else...? Does everyone have to find out by themselves...? Keep asking yourselves. As most of us have finished our time in educational facilities to a greater or lesser degree (for all the good it did us), the only other way we have to learn and grow now is by challenging ourselves and the things we find around us.


11/11/06 - Newport
Had a look at a new Thai restaurant that opened up in Newport the other day. Wicked place. The sign of good Thai food for me is feeling great after eating it as opposed to feeling slow, sluggish and full of stodge. It's like the spices take your mind and body on a crazy ride, leaving you feeling elated and ready to rock. Can't remember what the spicy soup's called but I'd recommend it to anyone with sinus trouble (or basic Winter Rundown) to make you feel human again. You can keep your Lemsips and bloody Beecham's powders, sort me out with a bowl full of prawns, chillies, lemongrass and coriander and in turn I promise to stay alive.


10/11/06 - Newport
It's a Friday so I decided to invest in a shedload of cider along with Billy, Hats and Adam. Being armed with 32 cans of Strongbow works wonders in terms of supplying inspiration and confidence for artists to step up to the mic and rant about things that they feel passionately about. Top stuff.


09/11/06 - Newport
The workshop (or should that be 'sweatshop'?) studio sessions continue unabated. The day begins at midday and continues till 4am. My bed has never been more inviting and more of a comforting presence than over the last few days. Oooooh, my wonderful bed.


08/11/06 - Newport
More workshop malarkey today. Things seem to be going quite well. Can't wait for you lot to hear the new stuff. It'll rock your funky boxes.


07/11/06 - Newport
Every now and then you meet people who make you question the nature of things around you. I enjoy these chance encounters. They normally occur straight out of the blue taking you completely by surprise. Today I was chatting to a taxi driver called Ak who made me think about accepting the state of things as they're presented to us today. He was 10 years younger than me but it was great to see someone who refuses to accept the state of their reality without question. More and more people that I meet are questioning their own and each other's existence and their accompanying realities. More and more people are refusing to accept that there isn't any more than this and not a moment too soon.


06/11/06 - Newport
Did a spot of science down the studio in trying to hook up a wireless router. Wasn't long before I was onto the technical support team having a proper nightmare. Good on them though, they soon sorted me out. Had an early night accompanied by a duvet and two extra blankets for Winter chillage. It pays to know how to get in nice these days you know.


05/11/06 - Newport
With less than a month till the next thrilling installment of GLC out on tour and back on the road, we're trying to finish off more and more stuff down in the studio. New records are created and the success story continues, just like the good old days. Nice.


04/11/06 - Newport
Had a call from Adam to say that he's bought an incinerator and as such, he was having Bonfire Night a day early. Lovely stuff. Had a spot of munch, watched the start of 'Diamonds Are Forever' and had a delightful herbal bath to sort out various aches and pains. Suitably refreshed and thoroughly relaxed, I set off for Adam's. When he said 'incinerator', I immediately thought of a large machine being fed bits of wood and belching out flames like a medieval war device. This is Adam's incinerator....I wasn't far off really....


And here is resident pyromaniac Hattsy setting off some rockets far too close to the source of open flames....


All sorts of madness going off. Hattsy was drunk and burning things in the garden. Big G turned up with a stockpile of industrial strength rockets. We had hot dogs for tea then had a surprise visit from King Jacko (Dipper Nan's brother) and his missus, Nicole. Delightful times. While all this was going on, Hattsy was still in the garden burning stuff. He certainly had a lovely time. At one stage I found him whispering to some fireworks saying something along the lines of, "Not long now my beauties. Soon, I shall set you free". Think that says it all really.


03/11/06 - Newport
Popped down early this morning for the Roy Noble hook up. All seemed to go very well. Roy is truly a man of the people and these same people warmed to him immediately. He has a dedicated legion of followers who know him as a sincere, friendly sort of bloke and I for one would be inclined to agree with them. We were down at the BBC open access centre in the middle of Newport town so anyone was welcome to pop in and say hello. One lady brought in a black and white photo from the 70's when Roy was a headteacher. It was a photograph of 'Pet Day' and whereas some people had brought rabbits in cardboard boxes, cats on a lead and ferrets in cages, one child went the whole hog and brought in a horse. Brilliant. Doubt you'd be able to have stuff like that anymore due to EEC legislation and health and safety issues. Do they still have school hamsters nowadays...? I'd like to think so.


02/11/06 - Newport
Enjoyed 'Shaolin Soccer' last night from the same bloke who brought us 'Kung Fu Hustle'. Amazing stuff. If you're one of the few people who've never heard of this incredible film, just check out the trailer here. Think 'Roy of the Rovers' meets 'Street Fighter II'. Bloody bonkers.


01/11/06 - Newport
Decided to get active today so took a trip up Twmbarlwm. It's a proper lovely hill that overlooks Newport and has the added bonus of an Iron Age fort at the top. It was a clear day so you could see all the way across the Severn to Bristol and beyond with all of Newport spread out below you. With a combination of breathtaking scenery and crisp fresh air, I felt thoroughly rejuvenated on my return. Fair blew the cobwebs out. Top stuff.


31/10/06 - Newport
Enjoyed a welcome trip back to the 70's today under the guise of the Morrisons cafe. Incredible place. If time travel's truly impossible, the closest thing to it would be to go to places that inadvertently recreate a decade from the past. You must have witnessed places like this yourselves before. For some strange reason, you feel like you've slipped through a rift in time and space and fallen into some dusty, long forgotten dimension. Fag smoke, bad fry-ups and watery cups of tea are proper 70's for me. The only things missing were garish curtains, hammond organ music playing in the background and a plastic ketchup bottle shaped like a tomato.


30/10/06 - Newport
I busied myself with some internet science while Manchester Dom went out on the mean streets of Newport to locate our local TK Maxx. He returned wide-eyed with excitement and armed with stories of the sights he'd witnessed in Newport out and about on his travels. We'd already ventured into Risca (last outpost before the valleys) last night to get some cash before heading off to the pub and witnessed incredible leisurewear, a pissed couple staggering down the street shouting at people on the other side and two blokes who'd just taken their tops off before fighting each other. Newport's like the Wild West in many ways. In much the same way, you get saloon brawls, whisky-induced madness and if you leave your horse (or any other form of transport) outside for too long, it's bound to get nicked.


29/10/06 - Newport
Manchester Dom came down today. He had plenty more comedy sketches to inform me of. Decided to involve ourselves in the traditional Sunday night pursuit of the 'Art of the Pub Music Quiz' down the local. Amazing stuff. Me and Dom (the aptly named 'Team Bellend Crew') came second from last and as such, we were awarded the princely sum of £7 as a consolation prize. A howl of disagreement emanated from the other end of the pub demanding a recount. We should have grabbed the money and done a runner but stuck around to enjoy last orders. Had to hand the money back in the end but this was then split with the other team who actually came second to last. Hilarious. Headed back to enjoy a spot of 'A Clockwork Orange' then off to bed. Nice.


28/10/06 - Newport
Had a call from Graham the Bear to say that he was in Caerleon watching Adam playing football but was now bored and wondering if I'd like to hook up to grab some food. Met Eggs and Vern too then went off for some horrible deep-fried pub grub. I wonder why we do it to ourselves sometimes. Surely there are plenty of places that offer sustenance without having to resort to frying everything.

Popped into the Big W so Eggs could look at some toys. We found Graham a rat hat that talks to people. Behold!


Adam and Graham decided to have a Halloween soiree as GtB would be working over the day itself. Stocked up on food and booze, Eggs went and looked at more toys and then we got back to the house. Drinking commenced. Vern turned up as a zombie. Then Big G turned up with a substantial amount of fireworks.....

 

At some stage during proceedings, the following occured to the following people.....

     

     

Incredible stuff. More drinking, more fireworks, more facepaints, more celebrations. Things got a bit blurry and I came to when the taxi driver was waking me up to get out of his car. Fell asleep on the sofa and finally crawled into bed about 8am.


27/10/06 - Newport
Managed to catch a documentary on BBC4 about George Clinton today. He's amazing. Proper bonkers like. Had a spot of 'The Big Lebowski' too. Quality street.


26/10/06 - Newport
Hooked up with Eggs to guest on Alan Thompson's show today to talk about music from Newport. Met C Live who we hadn't seen for ages. He truly has the deepest voice in showbusiness. Wandered over to the indoor market to get some allen keys for Eggsy's 'Zygon'. 'Zygon' is another name for a Casio DG10, an electronic guitar from the 80's. In Eggsy's mind, a futuristic instrument needs a futuristic name, hence 'Listen to me on the Zygon, I will expand your mind with a piece I call 'Visions of Gaia'".


25/10/06 - Newport
Had a call from Jill from the Roy Noble Show today to find out if I'd be willing to co-host his breakfast show live from Newport. How could I refuse such an offer...? If all goes according to plan, it should be on BBC Radio Wales, Friday November 3rd from 9 - 11am. I'll have to make sure I get a good sleep before that then. Check it out y'all.


24/10/06 - Newport
Someone's decided to nick my recycling box so popped down to Wastesavers to pick up another. Grabbed one for Adam and GtB too as they've had the same problem. Adam picked me up after his circuit training malarkey and we enjoyed a lovely Film Club with Graham. GtB had chosen 'Asylum', a 70's Amicus horror offering that takes the form of several short stories told by each of the inmates. Amazing.

 

Eggs and Newport Tim turned up half way through. Graham was upset that Eggs decided to talk through the rest of the feature. He'd been out for a posh meal and had enjoyed several glasses of wine and was now intent on sabotaging Graham's enjoyment for the rest of the night. Adam decided that he'd had enough so went off to get his box of fireworks from Aldi. Remember kids - playing with fireworks is for dickheads. Remember Eggsy nearly losing a hand at 'Europe's Second Biggest Light Show'...? (See 13/12/05) You have been warned.

 

The fireworks were cheap and yet reassuringly cheerful. Here are some pictures of me enjoying Strongbow and the inevitable consequences thereof.

 



23/10/06 - Newport
Hooked up with Ballsy and Eggs for mini workshop. Enjoyed hot dogs for tea. Also enjoyed Russ Meyer's voluptuous classic 'Beyond the Valley of the Dolls' then went to bed.


22/10/06 - Newport
There have been loads of programmes about binge drinking on recently. Is the true definition of binge drinking just someone who drinks enough to lose control and then act lke a dickhead...? As a local DJ surrounded by drunks and binge drinking enthusiasts, I asked Graham the Bear to tell me a little about his experiences of semi-professional wreckheads and the behavioural patterns that they tend to exhibit. He told me that besides enhanced aggression and a passion for falling over, binge drinkers get extremely horny and tend to chase the opposite sex (or same sex if it's one of those special nights) around as if their lives depended on it. Primal urges become stronger and stronger. For example, fights are easily started over things that don't really matter. He also added that he himself was a binge drinker and as such was fully qualified to make these observations.

I asked Graham to tell me about the more extreme sides of binge drinking, if such an underground movement actually exists. He paused, looked slightly perplexed then his eyes lit up and he told me the story of one lad who was accused of defecating in a urinal at the club. The lad involved, despite being out of his head, denied any knowledge of the offence and carried on enjoying himself till the end of the night. When the lights went up and everyone prepared to return home, the chap in question was spotted walking up the stairs of the Bassment with suspicious-looking, foul-smelling stains on the back of his trousers. We can only guess at the circumstances surrounding his predicament but can safely presume they involved some form of 'Shit Yourself' comedy gold. Graham also added that the fact he had poo on the back of his pants doesn't necessarily mean that he deposited his bottom contents in the urinal too, that might have been someone else. There may have been a shadowy contingent of people shitting themselves in his club and he wouldn't even know unless he paid attention to key suspects.


21/10/06 - Newport
We were invited down to a charity Kickathon today with Master Everton Smith who you may recall was on our radio show and invited us down to his dojo previously (see 15/03/06 and 14/09/05). Went down with Hattsy and Eggs, held some kick pads and proceeded to get beaten up by kids. Hilarious stuff. Met Nathan Blake, a Newport lad who played for Cardiff City. He was cool. You can see some pictures of us having fun at the Black Belt School right here.

Later on I decided to have a 'Wicker Man' session with Toddy and his missus Angharad. Nothing like a good seventies film with an amazing soundtrack to get in nice to. Can't get better than Edward Woodward as the epitome of an old skool straight-edge copper, Christopher Lee, his polar opposite as an eccentric local cult leader and of course, a nude Britt Ekland dancing round, going bonkers and pounding the walls. Top stuff.


20/10/06 - Newport
Forgot to mention that some of the boys attended the Torchwood premiere in Cardiff on the 18th. I wasn't present but the lads had a wonderful time with free booze, posh snacks and assembled sci-fi heroes, villains and weirdos. Graham the Bear kindly composed the following report......

-----REPORT BEGINS-----
Datafile Batch Code: Alpha Spectrum ZX023/1983LSD
Event: Torchwood Premiere
Date: 18/10/06
Location: St. David's Hotel, Cardiff
Correspondent: Graham the Bear

Being a fully fledged and paid up member of Newport-based science fiction movement 'Weirdo Club', I could hardly turn down the invitation from Adam to see an exclusive premiere of Doctor Who spin-off series, Torchwood. To be honest, the idea of Torchwood doesn’t get me hot under the scarf like Doctor Who, but it has all the same letters or something so that’s good enough for me.

So, a fine conglomeration of weirdos convoyed down to the St David’s Hotel; Billy Webb, Eggsy and 2Hats in one car and Adam and myself in the other. Adam was suffering from a horrific gut infection that means he was violently sick like a dog that’s eaten too much chocolate between the hours of 7 and 10 o’clock every night, but he soldiered on for the cause. On arriving at the hotel, Eggsy informed me that I would have to pretend to be Maggot and this deception could be achieved by repeating the pharses, “Doot Doot” and “Eye, eye, boy with the pie”. Initially sounding like a plan littered with holes, this technique worked a treat. Maybe they just thought I was strange.

The alcoholic arm of Weirdo Club got straight in with the free booze and grabbed a big glass of wine each. Adam can’t drink anyway and Hattsy has developed a form of meditation that means he can’t see anything that contains alcohol, so they grabbed a softie. We all piled into the screening room and sat behind League of Gentleman star and Doctor Who scribe Mark Gatiss. Before we enjoyed the feature presentation, various members of the BBC had prepared hours of sycophantic dick wanking especially for Who/Wood mastermind Russell T. Davies. All of us celebrated in this by pretending to wank each other off whilst making groaning noises. Gatiss was not amused.

Finally the programme began and we all settled down for an hour of fairly entertaining science fiction. Watch out for a bloke we know from Newport called Gareth he plays a character called Ianto (which is a Welsh name not a Mexican name apparently). After the show everybody belted upstairs to see what the free bar might hold and, of course, to discuss the show. Upon arriving Billy and I gazed in wonder at a giant laser that was lighting up the bay by forming the shape of a knob on the rippling water. Billy reminded me that Jesus had used lasers in many of his earlier miracles.

Everybody was having a jolly good time enjoying booze and some sort of cheese on a cracker we simply referred to as “milky white breasts”. Suddenly, we noticed that David Tennant had joined the party and a kind lady we had been talking to said she would fetch him so we could find out what he felt like. I was unfortunately “one glass past the mark” when Mr. Tennant joined our little group and could only refer to him as Doctor Who. Eggsy introduced himself by asking, “Is Davros coming back?”. I was very excited to have Doctor Who standing around with us drinking free wine and so happy that I started to grin and act like an 8 year old. A photographer took a photo of everyone together and Doctor Who put his arm around me like Peter Davidson used to with Adric, even though he was a bit of a cock. Adam asked Doctor Who if he could be a Cyberman, but Doctor Who thought he was a bit too short. I suggested he could be a new character called 'The Little Slug' and Hats came up with the ending in which Doctor Who throws salt at Adam’s head and it dissolves. It was around this time that The Doctor noticed that me and Adam were wearing Doctor Who t-shirts and possibly then decided to mingle elsewhere, with just time for Eggy to ask, “Would you like to come for a jazz?” to which Doctor Who replied, “I can’t. I’m a children’s entertainer.” With that he was gone with a smile.

Billy, Eggsy and I were now getting quite drunk and Adam and Hattsy quite frustrated. We all decided it was time for a jazz and hopped outside. We returned upstairs jazzed out of our minds and slumped at the top of the stairs. I noticed Billie Piper and Doctor Who talking seriously by the bar as if they were on some Earthbound Booze Adventure. Very exciting to see when you’re flying through time and space yourself. A woman from the BBC asked if she could get a response to Torchwood on film after the previous interviewee had finished. I noticed who was being interviewed and screamed, “Look it’s that little Welsh woman off This Morning who watches telly!”. The camera crew, especially the sound guy, were not impressed. Then I noticed that Adam, determined to get himself a part on Doctor Who, had cornered head honcho Russell T Davies on the stairs. “Hello, I’m Adam from the GLC” said Adam. “I know who you are” replied Davies with suspicion. “If you need anyone’s head to explode or arms to fall off, I’m your man” offered Adam excitedly. Davies just stared blankly. “Listen, I’ve got 432 Doctor Who videos” added Adam, slightly agitated. On leaving the conversation, Davies walked passed me and let out a strange sound of relief. Adam just simply commented, “Prick!”. I had to get back to DJ in the Bassment and everybody was drunk or fed up with not being drunk. Before we left I took one more look at Doctor Who and Adam threw up in the toilets. A great time was had by all. I was very drunk. Doctor Who is a great chap and felt lovely. We’d all do Billie Piper.
TIME AND RELATIVE DIMENSIONS IN SPACE, ONE AND ALL.

-----REPORT ENDS-----


19/10/06 - Newport
Big ups to 'Sir Digby Chicken Caesar and Ginger', easily my favourite part of 'That Mitchell and Webb Look'. The muscial interludes are quality. See for yourself.

Added a scrolling tickertape thing to the site frontpage today. It's to allow you lot to access parts of the site that have just been updated as opposed to trawling through the whole lot yourselves. I do try to look after you here you know. Big thanks to Alun for more technical wizardry and helping me with me with the science. It's great when the science works. When it doesn't it all goes to tits. Might be stating the obvious but without that, how would you ever know...?


18/10/06 - Newport
With crisp air coming in and cold, sharp nights, a need for Good Honest Autumnal Fare develops. Here's a great Autumn Warmer for ya: Giant Yorkshire pudding with posh sausages (possibly with added apple and fresh herbs), mixed vegetables and lovely thick gravy. Proper munch. Sat down to 'The Last Samurai' with my lovely food and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Excellent munch.

My mate Toddy came over tonight and our conversation took a turn to Old Skool computer gaming. I can remember going down to our local newsagents and being overawed by the cassette rack that would display countless numbers of tapes for Spectrum ZXs, C64s and Amstrads. Toddy told me about a game called 'Skool Daze' that he spent hours upon hours playing. It rang a bell but I couldn't remember it properly so we had a look around and found this: 'Klass of 99 - The Skool Daze Emulator'. Amazing, a great little distraction. Download the game for Windows here (sorry Mac users). If you get stuck, don't know what you're supposed to be doing or just need general hints and tips, have a look here.


17/10/06 - Newport
Battering it down today. Looks like Summer is well and truly over now. Whenever the Sun peeks out between the clouds, a strange mist appears giving everything the appearance of a medieval film set. I half expected a knight in armour on horseback to come charging over the horizon screaming with lance in hand and flags a-fluttering. Didn't happen though. Would have been good if it did.

Alun from the Elephant Rescue Plan popped over today to drop off a copy of his new EP. It's very good. He also introduced me to one Leslie Hall of 'Leslie and the Lys', a true internet phenomenon. She's amazing. Check out 'Gem Sweater' and my own personal favourite, 'Gold Pants' that appears to have been recorded in a Shopping Mall DIY Video Booth a la Tenacious D. She also has a marvellous collection of actual gem sweaters that she seems to have named herself. Must be a state of mind.


16/10/06 - Newport
Had to ditch the car for one of those MOT things today so got a lift to Xain's with Ballsy and Eggs. Did some internet science and listened to some beats that Xain had hooked up. Televisual entertainment took the form of 'Banged Up Abroad', a scare-you-shitless documentary about British tourists imprisoned around the world with dramatic reconstructions of the events leading up to and including their arrest thrown in for good measure. This time round was an episode called, 'Venezuela: The Burnley Boat Boys' about some Northern blokes who got caught red-handed with shitloads of illicit goods on board and were consequently sent to one of South Americas's most notorious prisons. Footage was shown of the prison itself where inmates are armed with handguns to keep the peace between warring gang factions. Crazy stuff. Horrible to watch but you just can't look away. A bit like 'Midnight Express: Extreme Edition'.


15/10/06 - Newport
Was fortunate enough to be invited over to my folks for some proper home cooking today. Possibly the only thing keeping me alive at the moment. Managed to catch 'Scarface' on ITV4 tonight. Proper. Ballsy picked up the game for the PS2 over in Ireland. Ultimate virtual violence. I've always wanted to get a Hawaiian sunset scene like this for one of the walls in my living room. Then install a bar with some lights and a musical drinks cabinet. Perhaps one day. Remember: The World Is Yours But You Might Need To Share It With Others. Be Nice.




14/10/06 - Limerick/Newport
Up at 9am for the now traditional half-dead wander round a ferry. I felt fucking awful. You know you're in trouble when simple things become a proper challenge, other people's conversations start sawing into your head, infecting your mind and all you want to do is to run far away from everything. Got ripped off on the breakfast front again, felt terrible again and had to find somewhere to lie down again. This time, I wedged myself on a sofa thing to stop me falling off and tried my best to sleep. Suddenly all the windows exploded inwards, water came tearing into the cabin and the whole fucking ferry tipped up on its side. I woke up with a proper start as I fell off the sofa I'd tried so hard not to fall out of. Call me cynical but I can't help thinking that they've designed ferries so the only place you can have a proper lie down is in the rented cabins. I'd have taken a pillow and a sleeping bag if I'd have known it was going to be this much stress.

Three and a half hours later, we were back on the bus. Within minutes, I was back in my bunk and fast asleep again. Woke up 10 minutes from Newport. I normally use the Severn Bridge as a good point of reference but we going the other way this time. Got back home, dumped my bags, jumped in the shower and prepared some lovely food. Nice. I'd been invited to my friend Alun's engagement party tonight so gathered together some drinking companions (namely my brother Martin pH Balanced, Stace and Hywel, King Vampire) and set off into the night. Alun's in a wonderful band called 'The Elephant Rescue Plan'. They rock. Had a great time at the cheap bar and met a good cross-section of characters I hadn't seen for ages. Managed to make it to the end and wandered back. Must have crashed quite late.


13/10/06 - Limerick
One thing I've been forgetting to mention is that every day on the bus begins with the maddening strains of 'The Dubliners'. Today was no different. It's great stuff but not when you've only been asleep for 3 - 4 hours.

Compared with the antics of yesterday, today was a dream for band, crew, promoters and venue staff alike. A nice, comfortable venue with easily-accessible wi-fi malarkey meant that site and Musings updates were finally within reach. Spent a nice time outside, sipping tea, updating bits and pieces on the laptop, feeling relaxed and generally at ease. It always strikes me when enjoying a nice cup of tea just how nice it is when poured from a well-stewed pot. There's nothing more disappointing than asking for a nice cup of tea, being charged the best part of a fiver and then being handed a cardboard container with a shit teabag and half a pint of milk poured on top. I might as well just pour it down my trousers for all the enjoyment I'll get out of it. Today's tea, on the other hand, was fantastic - so much so it stirred the senses.

Had a soundcheck to ensure everything was in full working order, including ourselves. Then we nipped next door for quality munch. The pub bit next door was open all day and doing some lovely food. There was a fishmonger's right next door with fresh local produce so I decided to have a look at some oysters followed by chicken supreme with king prawns. Somehow Dr. Cum managed to nick my main course and left me with a very sub-standard affair. He still denies all knowledge of the offence even now.

After enjoying ourselves thoroughly with the grub factor downstairs (I'll get you yet Cummer), we retired to the dressing room. Thankfully, it wasn't a toilet this time. In fact, it was very nicely presented with big comfy sofas and a lovely cosy vibe going on. Adam and myself took full advantage of this fact and had a little snooze for a while. I came round on the sofa listening to Adam snoring and making strange burbling noises. He seemed very happy. Stan decided to lie down on the floor for a bit of a rest too. This is what life on the road does to you. Once you find a comfortable environment, you need to rest and recuperate for as long as you can. There's never any guarantee that you'll be half as relaxed or as comfortable again.....

 


Grabbed a couple of Bulmers and returned to the Mothership. Watched the first half of 'Tremors' with Xain on the bus. I'd forgotten how good it was. Soon enough it was time to empower ourselves with leisurewear so we donned our trackies and made our way back to the dressing room again. A wonderful reception from the good people of Limerick. Things went well up until 'Penis' when the beat generator decided to pack up for no apparent reason. At this stage Cummer announced to all present, "Hang on, I'm just swapping the rave machine over". We re-launched the Penis and it worked even better than before. Bloody Friday 13th business. Just goes to show that with a positive attitude, even expected and generally accepted potential misfortune can be overcome. Later, Dr. Cum had no explanation for the mishap, it just stopped at 1:11 exactly. I think he still felt guilty about nicking my food and his guilty vibes infected the machine. Big shouts to Ms. Treacle Slits, Sharky, Morggs aka MC Clarten-Darten and the Mushy Head for making an appearance. Lovely to see you. Got accosted by proper crazies shortly after this so beat a hasty retreat to the safety of the Mothership.


12/10/06 - Dublin/Carlow/Dublin
When you wake up in the car park of a DIY Furniture Centre called 'Woodies', you know you're in for a day of comedy.



Maggot went off a-wandering and returned to report that a bedside lamp on one of the bedroom displays inside the store had been disconnected to plug the bus in. Fuckin yes. What kind people. There seems to have been some kind of confusion over what's going on today, well....more so than usual anyway. The venue have told us that the gig in Carlow's been cancelled as the coaches taking people from Dublin to Carlow didn't have liability insurance. The end result is that we have to return to Dublin. We had a good time in the car park though.

Arrived at one of the many university campuses (campii? oooh matron) that Dublin has to offer. Grabbed some fried muck then headed back to the bus again. There were certain subtle signs that those organising may have been a bit pressed for time. The dressing room situated in the Gents toilets left of stage was one of those signs. Don't get me wrong, they'd tried their best to make it as homely as possible, even going as far as to disguise the urinals with black bin liners and utilize the sinks into temporary holding basins for drinks but it was still a toilet with a pungent stench of disinfectant and a condom machine on the wall.

As showtime rolled round, it soon became apparent that we were actually a 'surprise international act' for the lucky students attending the show promising '1000 students, 80 buses and 1 party'. This is a readymade mantra that Eggs felt compelled to scream repeatedly throughout the show. Well, even though they didn't actually need the buses cos they weren't going anywhere, they still had a great time and raised the roof when prompted to do so. Spotted one Milly Hussain and a Sharkbait in the crowd having a wonderful time. Apparently they travelled up on a minibus with Billy's folks. Lovely stuff and lovely times to be had by all. It's great when a plan comes together. Big ups to Killer Tour Manager Tomothy for keeping his head together when all about him were losing theirs.


11/10/06 - Dublin
Had a potter round the ferry, grabbed a 'Four-Piece Breakfast Special' for just under a fiver, consumed it along with a cup of tea, started feeling proper ill from the crossing so found somewhere to lie down for a bit. Came round to Xain screaming about the ferry being on fire or something then Stan waking me up as we'd got to the other side. Straight back to bed. No messing.

Regained consciousness in Dublin at about 2.30pm. I woke to Ballsy and Xain discussing the antics of a young man who pleasured a young lady using his mouth during a Home Economics lesson. Had a look at the venue and tried to find some kind of internet access malarkey to use as a gateway to virtual wanderings. Had a few problems but Stan was on hand with his heavy duty, military issue router to save the day. Quick soundcheck, had a Bulmers in the dressing room (discovered 2 x crates of Bulmers, fuckin yes) then returned back to the bus to reconvene for the dinner party.

Went for a brisk walk round (what I assume to be) central Dublin and finally stopped at an Italian place for munch and drinks. Decided on a calzone aka 'The Italian Cornish Pasty' which consists of ham, mushrooms, onions, peppers and plenty of mozzarella. Quality. Should keep me going for a while anyway. Some quick pics taken as we crossed the bridges like. Lovely.



Got back to do some Musings updates before the show tonight. I managed to pick up some 99p. VHS bargains from the petrol station before we came over, namely 'Tremors', 'Jet Li's The One' and 'Jim Macleod's Non-Stop Ceilidh Dancing'. Well, we're off to a cultured part of the world where getting hammered and dancing seems part of the vibe so thought the latter was an appropriate choice. Surprisingly, it wasn't actually that good and sent Ballsy off on a whitey. We turned it off soon after that.



Had a few more Bulmers then headed off to the dressing room at about 11pm. Showtime rolled round at midnight so we charged on and had a good old time. The crowds assembled enjoyed themselves too. Left the venue to get to the hotel for well-needed showers. Hadn't seen this place yet, it was an amazing grand old hotel with flags outside (must have been posh then) near a large illuminated spike in the middle of Dublin. Returned back to the bus to be confronted with large nasty messes of pizzas. There's a simple quality:size ratio to bear in mind when considering what size of pizza to choose. I've learnt that the bigger the pizza is, the less the quality. Quality diminishes as the size grows. I'm not necessarily saying that all small pieces are amazing, they're not. Then again, all big pizzas are not rubbish either. Yet when responsibility for pizza size, choice, toppings and where it actually comes from is handed over, there's normally trouble to be had. For all my lecturing, I had a couple of slices anyway and soon regretted my decision. For some reason, none of us could sleep till about 6am. Might have been the 'fake pukka' vibe of being back on tour, doing the first show and not knowing what to do after. Off to Carlow tomorrow.


10/10/06 - Newport/Dublin
May have overdone things a little last night. Going out and investing in a crate of Strongbow on a Monday evening is slightly exceesive, even by my advanced cider-drinking standards. Put some music on, had a shower, did the washing up, even had a tidy up of the house. Had to make sure that everything's sorted for when I return back off tour, very much tired and no doubt emotional.

Sorted my leish, spare clothes and travelling stuff out, packed my bags and made some munch. Watched the beginning of a documentary called 'Guys and Dolls' about dudes with 'Real Dolls', plastic female companions that are built to last. It all seemed quite sad really. I was hoping for replicants like Blade Runner. Or at least dolls with realistic moving parts and a voicebox that nagged you or something. Didn't get any of that. I may have mentioned this before but it's important so I'll say it again: I can remember John Craven announcing on Newsround that we'd all have robot helpers round the house by the year 2000. If that was the case then surely they'd have thought up some kind of Advanced Super Android Sex ('AS-AS') doll by now.



Had to miss the end of the dolly documentary to go and pick up Mags from the station. Then we headed up to Adam's and I operated a bus run taxi service. The bus we've got is driven by one Stevie Danger, ex-drummer for Wolfsbane, a British heavy metal act from back in the day. He's proper cool. Check him out in full-on rock god pose.....



Word on the street was that we were going to be woken up early to wander round the ferry like the Living Dead so as not to contravene maritime law. Regardless, I was still drunk when the call came.


09/10/06 - Newport
Hooked up with Graham the Bear for lunch in town. It was nice to see him, haven't seen the boy for a while. Enjoyed vegetable lasagne with wholemeal garlic bread. The combination of pasta and vegetable matter is so complex for the body to break down that you feel like you're full for ages. Top munch. We parted ways temporarily to allow me a bit of time for more internet science.

When I saw GtB again, he was overjoyed and thoroughly excited with the mysterious contents of a plastic bag that he carried with due care and attention. Inside, he revealed a copy of 'The Making of Michael Jackson's Thriller' on VHS and 'Most Haunted Live 2' on DVD. I can remember watching the Thriller video at someone's birthday party years ago and believe it may have been one of the first home videos to receive a 15 certificate. Brilliant. Looked like Graham had entertainment for the night all figured out.

Popped down the local for a couple of jars and met Adam. He'd just been off punishing himself circuit training so was keen to relax and unwind. Thus we found ourselves a bit later walking out of the booze shop armed with a crate of Strongbow and several bottles of wine. Lovely. Had a chance meeting with Will Dionysus who I hadn't seen for a long time. He seemed very well you'll be glad to hear. On with Film Club. Graham kickstarted proceedings with some of Bill Hicks' early shows. Top shit. This was followed up with two episodes of 'American Dad' and then the highlight of the evening, the one we'd all been waiting for - Crazy Jackson's 'Thriller'. I don't think you can even get this on DVD at the moment, the VHS copies are the only ones left available.

John Landis, director of such legendary celluloid visons as 'The Blues Brothers' and 'An American Werewolf in London', also directed the Thriller video. Behind the scenes footage showed him picking up Jackson, spinning him round and tickling his feet. Very strange bonding behaviour twixt director and artist. I'm not saying this would have affected him later on in life but it certainly makes you wonder. GtB decided to finish off proceedings with a choice zombie title, 'The Living Dead At The Manchester Morgue'. Managed to make it home around 5am. Not really advisable the day before going off on tour but you've got to have a laugh in this day and age.


08/10/06 - Newport
Thankfully, I'm finally bang up to date with the Musings. Thanks for the advice, suggestions, criticisms and complaints while I've been hacking my way through the backlog. Hopefully, I'll be able to update this corner of cyberspace on a daily basis now, as it was originally intended. Let's see how we get on. We're off to Ireland some time this week, so I'll just have to hunt out some wireless hotspots and see what I can do. Safe.


07/10/06 - Newport
More website updating today. Decided to treat myself to a wonderful cod, chips and mushy peas for tea all washed down with a cool Strongbow. That's living alright. Seemed to be some kind of Monty Python night on too that I tuned into. They showed an 'Omnibus' special from 1989, the year that Graham Chapman died. I think the things that always got stuck in my head when I was little were Terry Gilliam's animations. Some of them were confusing, others frightening, all of them dark, surreal and hilarious. He had a style all of his own. When they asked him about the animations he made he even admitted himself that a lot of them he just couldn't remember doing. I know how he feels. 'Brazil' finished the Python night off quite nicely, a favourite film of mine that I hadn't seen for years.


06/10/06 - Newport
Watched 'Oldboy' on Film 4 today. Fuck me, what a crazy film. If I was imprisoned for 15 years in a crazy box room being occasionally knocked out with valium gas and only a television set for company, I think I'd go mental too. I think a lot of people would. There are some truly legendary scenes and a storyline that gets you thinking. Recommended viewing but again, not for the faint-hearted. All good stuff.


05/10/06 - Newport
I like Autumn. I think it's my favourite season. The sun casts a strange light on everything and there's a general air of serenity. Things are winding down, life becomes slower, more thoughtful and people tend to 'get in nice' whether they realise they're doing it or not.


04/10/06 - Newport
Watched Justin Kerrigan's club classic 'Human Traffic' tonight. I'd forgotten just how good it was. There's something about the fact it's set in Cardiff, home of many of my own favoured clubbing experiences along with active portrayal of the daily grind and the spiritual release that the weekend brings. 'The Hippo Club' in Cardiff was always a firm family favourite. I can remember seeing people in there weekend after weekend till Fridays and Saturdays became like a big family reunion. The big 'Time Flies' bashes at the newly demolished Cardiff Ice Rink were always crazy nights too. I can recall lazers, dark corners, strange clubbing attire, contorting faces, newly made friends, sharing water, clubmuck and the Long Walk Home still flying through time and space. Fucking brilliant.


03/10/06 - Newport
I've discovered that the perfect way to spice up a frozen pizza and to make it into a creation you may actually enjoy is to simply add a few choice ingedients. One of my favourites at the moment is to take any common or garden frozen pizza, add some chopped fresh peppers, jalapeno peppers to taste and smother it with some of that crazy mozzarella stuff that looks like a squash ball in a bag of water. Top marks!

'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace' is back on Channel 4 late at night. Forgotten which day it is though. Oh, hang on according to the Radio Times, it's Wednesdays. Check it out and rave it up.


02/10/06 - Newport
Discovered a fantastic DJ double act who hail from the South Coast called CH3VY today. Shit hot. Check out their 'Stack of Wax Volume II' mix. It's amazing and available to listen to right here. Delectable big slabs of funk and crazy retro sounds. Gets your hands messy like. Lovely stuff.


01/10/06 - Newport


Hilarious! I can't seem to remember any of this transpiring. For 'hijacked' read 'invited on'. For 'pelt fans with bottles and food' read 'throwing plastic bottles of water and pre-packed sandwiches to the fans'. For 'fist flew backstage' read 'American bloke hamming it up for the cameras, attempting to get a rise and failing'. If the truth were to be told so as to be understood, it wouldn't be half as sensational and certainly wouldn't make the papers. Admittedly, I'm not into boy bands as such and don't understand manufactured pop acts but that doesn't really explain why we'd blame people attending the show for that, especially if they're going to be watching our show afterwards. Funny world this tabloid business. I learnt that a long time ago but am still amazed by their antics today. The truth, as they say, will set you free but it won't sell half as many papers.


30/09/06 - Newport
Dropped Flatpress down the station to head off to Reading. I'm loving these random encounters. It seems I keep running into people for a reason.


29/09/06 - Newport
MC Flatpress made an appearance today. We had a few drinks and had another game of Risk - this one lasted till 5am. We had some good chats about the Nature of the Universe and All Things Else. He informed me of a crazy discovery he'd learnt of somewhere. Apparently, time as we understand it is being constantly compressed. Science types have worked out that our current 24-hour day is about the equivalent of 16.5 hours of a medieval 24-hour day. We're losing time, faster and faster and there's absolutely nothing we can do about it. On the other hand, at least this means that we're living for longer periods of time. Time, it would appear is still a constant perhaps but no longer an absolute.


28/09/06 - Newport
More website updating today. I find it easier to concentrate on things when music's playing in the background. I find it inspires, refreshes, soothes and relaxes. 'Groove Salad' courtesy of Soma FM is still my favourite online radio station. Try it out on a Sunday afternoon when you need to do something (or even if you've got nothing better to do) and just have it playing in the background. A real delight.


27/09/06 - Newport
Had my mate Toddy Vegas over from Cardiff today. The PS2 seems to have packed up so we spent a delightful evening drinking and playing Risk just like the good old days. I kicked arse and conquered the whole world. It's not really in my nature but war games bring out a different side of me. It's the same with paintballing. Perhaps I was a decorated General in a past life.


26/09/06 - Newport
Back to hospital again today. According to the doctor, my hand's back to 90% efficiency. I just need to take it out of the strap and start using it again now. About bloody time too. I'm all for fashion accessories but the Clint Eastwood look's just winding me up now.


25/09/06 - Newport
I keep having dream flashbacks in real life. Today was particularly confusing. It's almost like a really crazy daydream that temporarily disconnects you from reality. Or something will happen to prompt me to play back a dream in my head like a film. Perhaps it's my diet or erratic sleeping patterns, I don't know. Perhaps it's my higher self trying to wake my lower self up. Perhaps it's just my subconscious churning up bits of mental flotsam and jetsam. How can I find answers...? Even if I knew, would I be any happier...? Am I happy anyway...? How can I tell...? I think I'm happy, so that's good enough for me. Emotional states that defy description however, cannot be easily analysed.


24/09/06 - Newport
Off for a delightful Gentleman's Club with Maggot, Gandee and his family today. Nothing better to revive the drooping spirit than a visit to a pub out in the countryside. You can get away from it all out there. It allows you to imagine days of old when pubs were places where the whole community would congregate, drink, discuss matters, get a bit boisterous, drink a bit more, have a sing song, drink, fight, make up and go home. It's worth remembering old traditions such as these, there's a lot to be said for them.


23/09/06 - Newport/Bristol/Newport
Off to Bristol UWE for a student ball today. Got a lift off Hattsy and hooked up with everyone else at 7pm. Got there and soon ran into Jon the Robot and Warmbread off the GLC Forum. Had a lovely little chat then headed off to the dressing room. Some dudes from Oxjam appeared for photos and stuff. Met a guy called Micky who'd be responsible for the lights tonight.

We had to get down to the side of stage to prepare for the show. We'd been invited onstage with a band called 'Upper Street', comprising of members of old boy bands or something. At the time that everyone else went onstage with them, I was still trying to find somewhere to have a quick slash. As these things transpire, no one had bothered to tell me what was happening so by the time I'd returned, I'd missed the whole thing. May have been for the best, it all depends on your perspective. Some American dude was having a massive go at Eggs and then at Mike, our Tour Manager for the day stating that we'd gone on at the wrong time (well, the band minus me anyway). Then I spotted the cameras and realised that they were filming the entire thing. Regardless, I thought no more of it, we went back on stage a little while later and had a blast.

Getting back to the dressing room proved a little bit tricky. We all jumped in the minibus and were immediately accosted by loads of crazy drunk student zombies. They were friendly enough but a little overzealous and in immediate danger of being run over. There weren't any towels avaialable so we had to make do with massive industrial rolls of linen hand towels, the kind that you get in towel dispensers. In true rock and roll style, these were launched out of the window 3 storeys up creating a kind of medieval drape effect. You could imagine Errol Flynn doing his sliding down a sail with his knife as a brake vibe but I'm happy to report that no one actually tried.


22/09/06 - Newport
Invited down to the Newport premiere of 'Dirty Sanchez - The Movie' today. Hooked up with Billy Webb and Ceri, got a shitload of cider then wandered down to the cinema. Met the Dirty Sanchez boys, they all looked pretty excited. Pritchard and Dainton were on top form and happy to see us. Pancho was hammered on Fosters and Joyce was more intent on showing us videos on his phone of him doing naked dancing off his head from the previous night than watch the film. Top boys.

The cinema was proper packed, eventually found some seats, cracked open a Strongbow and got in nice. The boys gave a quick speech before hand (with accompanying shouts of "Pancho stand up") then let it roll. I've never been as hypnotised, repulsed and thoroughly entertained for a long time. I won't spoil it for you. These boys have really raised the bar now. There's no going back.

Stumbled out of the cinema, dazed, half-cut and still reeling from what I'd just witnessed. Went off for a couple more drinks with Billy and Ceri, hooked up with Graham the Bear and decided to accept his invitation to join him down the Bassment. Proper raving. Had to head off at some stage due to an inability to stand and believe I may have walked home from town. Crazy times.


21/09/06 - Newport
It's nice having a bit of Maggot company around for a change. We can sit around and chat or sit around in silence, happy in each other's company. Lovely that is. Been enjoying some good takeaway food too cos neither of us can be arsed cooking.


20/09/06 - Newport
Woke up, sorted house out, washed up the washing up and then sat down and thought about things for a bit. Then Maggot got up and he pottered around while I attempted some website updating. Being a keen animal lover, Maggot insisted on us sitting down and enjoying 'Dog Borstal' on ITV3 or something. I may have got the wrong idea, but one of the instructors seemed adamant that beating dogs up was the only way they could learn anything. Perhaps it's like 'pack hierachy' or something. Maybe I should use these kind of techniques on the band when they get out of hand.


19/09/06 - Newport
Woke up at 3pm. Decided it would probably be best to chill today. Maggot's down so we've been enjoying some late night classic comedy to bring us back to our senses. Nothing quite like a spot of 'Two Ronnies' to relax.


18/09/06 - Glasgow/Newport
Woke up at 4pm. Still wildly drunk. Grabbed a Subway sandwich, had half and went back to bed for a bit. Had another good show, all sorts of hilarity on stage. Always a good reception up these parts. Going for a shower afterwards meant running the gauntlet past loads of people but we managed it in the end. Got back to Newport at 10.30am. It's no wonder I've been feeling disorientated lately.


17/09/06 - Crow Point festival, Newport/Glasgow
Awoke at 3pm. Got a load of stuff together, stuck it in a bag then got down on the festival site for 6pm. Had a quick photoshoot and went off to find some Bows. The dressing rooms were situated in the football club changing rooms. Wandered past Roni Size who was busy munching on a big packet of Doritos so gave him a friendly nod and said hello.

We had a lovely Newport contingent down to help us on our way. MC Flatpress was down for the rave too. Before long, the Newport County strips were distributed, the leish was donned and we were getting ready for a top homecoming beneath the Transporter Bridge. Top shit. We had a great show and an amazing response. 'Soapbar' went down particularly well as a highlight of the night. We ambled off stage worn out but happy. Show pics are available right here.

Met some wicked people backstage. Volunteers who'd been working on the day, bar staff and crew reponsible for the tents all made us more than welcome. Had to shoot off for Glasgow that night only stopping at the Hilton for a quick shower and some lovely Indian food. Had a delightful Asian Sandwich (see 24/03/06) then managed to get to bed somewhere in the region of 8am.


16/09/06 - Newport
It was meant to be an easy day today. Everything's been organised so there's no last minute stuff, just enough time to think of anything else needed for 'The Party in the Car Park'. Hooked up with Z Beeblebrox in the Muj to hand over some tickets. Big ups to ZB for sorting shit out on the forum front. I think it's fair to say it'll go off tonight. Popped down with Adam and GtB for a quick sound check and to ensure everything was sorted. Headed back for a few drinks.

Made it down for 11ish or thereabouts to find the affair in full swing. Total respect for everyone who came down. For anyone who may have spoken to me (or at least attempted to), many apologies, I was completely battered. Eggs had a go on the DJ mission. Adam and Graham (I've been informed) handed out prizes for dancing and inebriation. Billy Webb delivered a fine wreck-up set. Apparently, I got on the mic to sing along with 'Eastbound and Down'. This, again, was only pieced together from second-hand conjecture and mental polaroids. The local constabulary appeared at some stage, discovered it was a private party and let us continue on the grounds that we turned it down a bit please. This we did for approximately 10 minutes to appease the authorities then cranked up the bass to make the whole place shake. Wicked. I returned home at 7.30am. Apparently. I really don't know.


15/09/06 - Newport
Just had word that Adam's picked the shirts up. His exact words, "Safe as Fuck". They've even redesigned he logo on the front too. Behold!





14/09/06 - Newport
Looks like everything's coming together for the weekend. We're trying to get a venue sorted for a Chainhead bash on the Saturday and looks like we're going for the old tried and tested solution. Adam's on the case with GtB to ensure that everyone attending will be suitably entertained.


13/09/06 - Newport
Our man Gandee's kindly organised to get us some Newport County tops printed for Crow Point. Proper retro design an all. Should look wicked.


12/09/06 - Newport
Watched 'A Tribute to Freddie Mercury' tonight. Apparently Mr. Mercury would have been 60 this week if he were still alive. Then 'Highlander' was on another channel almost immediately afterwards by a strange quirk of fate. For the 2 or 3 people who've never witnessed immortal beings armed with swords battling it out in 80's New York till only one remains, Queen did the soundtrack.


11/09/06 - Newport
It's the Crow Point festival this weekend. We're trying to organise a few bits and pieces to ensure it goes off with a real bang. Going to take a fair bit of blagging, borrowing and asking favours off people but I think it'll be worth it in the end.


10/09/06 - Bognor Regis/Newport
Woke up and didn't know where I was. Came round a bit and remembered I was in a guest house. At least I had somewhere to lay me head to recover from last night and the festivities involved. Today was Manchester Dom's big day. However, he'd found out that he needed to perform some kind of routine to entertain the crowds before he launched himself off the pier. So it was that we set off to try and find a copy of 'Step On' by the Happy Mondays on CD in Bognor Regis on a Sunday morning. An impossible task you may have thought but we managed it through the assistance of one of Dom's mates. Attended the health and safety briefing, grabbed some breakfast then had to head back to the guest house to get Dom prepared. He decided his costume would involve 1 x torn shirt, 1 x pair of ripped trousers and a shit load of green body paint......any idea who he might have gone as?


Fuckin amazing. Didn't realise just how high profile this whole thing was. There were thousands of people lining the beaches with big screens and all sorts. Bonkers. Dom's time came round and he ran to the top of the pier screaming, shouting, grunting and waving his arms around. Then 'Step On' started playing and the Incredible Hulk suddenly transformed into Bez. Brilliant. The crowd started cheering so the green-skinned Madchester Machine tumbled off the pier in response. I was very proud of the boy that day. Well played Manchester Dom son.


09/09/06 - Newport/Bognor Regis
Drove down to Bognor Regis today to hook up with my mate, Manchester Dom. He's off his head. He's taking part in the 'Birdman of Bognor' competition which involves throwing himself off the pier for charity. Couldn't really miss an opportunity to see that. Managed 160 miles in 3 hours or thereabouts so that's not bad going. My newly-acquired Clint Eastwood strap served me well. Made good use of country road secret knowledge that I thought I'd forgotten.

Got down there and finally hooked up with Dom. Had to find a guest house sharpish so had a quick drive round and found a lovely little place with one vacancy left. £35 quid later, we headed off to Dom's guest house so he could have a quick shower and a change of clothes. I made the mistake of setting foot in the property despite not being a paying resident. Apparently, this then allows the guest house owner to launch into a full-blown barrage of how I'm not supposed to be on the premises, how I'm not covered by insurance and how he's had loads of problems with other people staying when they're not paying, etc. For fuck's sake. I explained I just wanted to use the toilet and he hit the fucking roof. With no intention of dealing with a complete wanker after a long drive, I exited the 'guest house' explaining that my friend was staying there, all I needed was a quick slash but if I wasn't welcome, I'd just find a bush to have a piss in instead, thanks very much for the help. Twat.

Went for a Magners in a nearby refreshment centre, then met Dom again. He was thoroughly apologetic for the guest house scenario. It makes things even worse when your mates feel they have to apologise for another dickhead's actions. If I sound like I'm going off on one, it's only because I can't be dealing with petty, small-minded, inferiority complex-suffering megalomanics like the one I'd just encountered. They do my fucking head in. Anyway. We found a nice little pub in the town centre and settled down. Dom had a few of his mates from back in the day down too. Having a look around, certain things started falling into place. Rainbow flags. Entertainment on Mondays and Tuesdays care of 'Judy Glitter'. Then Dom took his trackie top off to reveal a 'Frankie Say Relax' t-shirt and I couldn't stop laughing. A straight man in a gay bar with a 'Frankie Goes To Hollywood' inspired t-shirt. Amazing. As long as I've known him, he inadvertently gets into all sorts of sketches. It's almost as though circumstances conspire against him, inevitably leading him down a dimly lit cul-de-sac of comedy.

There was some kind of 'Birdman of Bognor' reception in a nearby Butlins with free food and booze so we set off towards that. What a strange place. As we walked through the compound, there was some kind of crazy show going off with people flying round on wires and stuff. Spotted some of the fabled Bluecoats wandering round and immediately thought of 'Redcoats', the terrible show on ITV that makes compulsive viewing at Stupid O'Clock in the morning. Is it bluecoats at Butlins and redcoats at Pontins then I wonder...? Regardless, we headed over to the business conference centre and started on the wine and munchables. I can't really handle wine too well but when it's free, hey anything goes. As always, things seemed to get a bit hazy after this. Went to some other bars and stuff. Ended up having a jazz on the beach and Dom ended up in the sea. Had to get to bed soon after this or I wouldn't make it at all.


08/09/06 - Newport
Back to hospital today for another review. Thankfully, they decided to take the plaster off and replace it with an elasticated splint thing that keeps my wrist straight. It's even got a weird leather strap on the inside of my arm that makes me feel like Clint Eastwood. Quality fashion accessory. Proper street.


07/09/06 - Newport
Huw Stephens was back on telly tonight with a lovely documentary all about us called 'Huw's Hi-Fi'. Great stuff. There's footage of me about to perform some kind of ritual sacrifice on Ballsy but it's all in the best possible taste. Have a look at what the Freeview box had to say - good to see they're warning people about content nowadays and/or attracting the key demographic through a warning alone.




06/09/06 - Newport
Can't seem to sleep properly with this fucking plaster on. Must have tried scratching my nose last night and just ended up punching myself in the face.


05/09/06 - Newport
Impromptu Film Club over Graham the Bear's today. Tuned into the Metallica documentary, 'Some Kind of Monster'. Fuckin quality. The 'performance-enhancing coach' is hilarious. Perhaps we need a dude like that working for the band who wears rainbow sweaters, rose-tinted John Lennon glasses and leaves zen-like comments on scraps of paper all over the place. Perhaps I could do it. I think I could be quite good at it.


04/09/06 - Newport
I'd managed to survive Ibiza with a fractured wrist by employing the use of Spanish bandages and masking tape. Back on home shores, I decided that a trip to the A&E department of the Royal Gwent might be in order. To avoid the queues, I thought I'd pop down on a relatively quiet Sunday afternoon only to be surrounded by Sunday League footballers and drunk people who'd fallen out of trees. Bollocks.

The 6 hours flew by with the help of a book, namely 'The Search for Shangri-la: A Journey into Tibetan History' by one Charles Allen. Reading is a great means of passing the time, especially in places like Newport's Accident and Emergency waiting room. I was delivered from a drab, hopeless environment to an amazing place of serenity, soaring high above unscalable mountain peaks. Before long, my name was called and I was ushered into a small office. The doctor present squeezed various parts of my arm to figure out which bits were affected with results ranging from me shaking my head saying, "no, nothing, no pain there" to then screaming "AAAARRRGH!" and trying to stifle further noises with my other arm. Eventually, he figured out I should have a plastercast fitted. This is the attractive result - apologies for the blurriness of the photo. I had to figure out how to set my cameraphone on a timer due to having one arm in plaster....




03/09/06 - Ibiza/Stanstead/Newport
Well, all good things must, inevitably, come to an end. This is how the universe keeps itself in balance. Said our goodbyes to Jill Manumission who did a fantastic job of looking after us all. Top lass. She will be missed very much. Good on ya girl.

Ran into trouble as soon as we got to the airport when we weren't permitted to book in as a group. Bloody rubbish. Are airports like this all over the world...? I soon gave up caring and joined the rest of the band sat patiently on the floor of the check in desk. It's certainly going to be a shame to leave the villa, the island and the calming mindset behind. Actually, I think I might keep the mindset. Perhaps it'll make the imminent return to the UK more bearable along with the wonderful memories of Ibiza fresh in my mind.

Stanstead Airport was thoroughly depressing. Driving rain hit the UK hard. 6 hours back to Newport on a minibus didn't really lift the collective mood either. I felt like one of those ravers who discovered an Ibizan party paradise in the late 80's but then sank into a deep deprerssion upon their return to the British Isles. Got back to Newport at 1.30am. Turned my mobile off, my alarm clock and anything else that might make any kind of noise and crashed proper. Boosh. Have that on yer chips. You can go round the world and have the time of your sweet young life but nothing quite compares to your own bed. Thus Spoke Mystythustra.


02/09/06 - Ibiza
Had to head over to San Antonio with Billy, Jill and Johnny the Dwarf for a radio interview with HFM this afternoon. Turned out it was upstairs in a bar overlooking San Antonio. Lovely view, just watching the world go by. Did the interview, then popped downstairs for a lovely cod and chips. Get in! This area of Ibiza has big illuminated pictures of food on the walls so you can just point at what you want as opposed to instigating communication with the locals. Brilliant idea but I don't really think it does that much in terms of promoting multicultural understanding.


Had a crazy drive back to the villa with Jill a la Italian Job, flying round cliffs, windy roads and all sorts. Got back to be greeted by Big G and a lovely roast dinner spread for us all. Chicken, roast potatoes, carrots, gravy, all the good stuff, even mashed sweet potato too. Top work fella. Did everyone a world of good. Soon after we finished our splendid munch, the dude arrived with a minibus to take us up to Manumission for a soundcheck. It was great just to wander round the club and get an idea of the scale of the place. It's fucking huge though I suppose that's to be expected of the World's Biggest Club. Met some fancy dancers who took an instant shine to us. Lovely stuff!


With the soundcheck completed to a satisfactory level, we headed back villa-wise. General advice was to get our heads down for a few hours so me and Hats did a Bert and Ernie and prepared ourselves appropriately for sleeping. We were on at 4am so we had a few hours kip at least. Didn't seem like a lot when we woke up though. Got our leish on, tried to wake ourselves up a bit then boarded the 'Ibiza Rocks' funbus. Had to stop by and pick up some more lovely dancers along the way. Can't remember their names let alone attempt to pronounce them but one was French, another Italian and another half-Dutch, half-Philippino. She was my personal favourite. The Italian lass tried to teach us some of her native tongue and even sang us a song that was apparently very popular in Italy in the 40's. Excellent entertainment all round.

We arrived at our destination far too soon. Shame really. Said hello to the Arctic Monkeys in the car park who were down for a DJ set in one of the adjoining rooms. Popped upstairs and ran into Mike Manumission, the head honcho of all things at the Ibizan Superclub. He's very nice and always spares the time to ensure people are enjoying themselves. We watched part of the main Manumission show, bloody all sorts going on. The theme for tonight seemed to be Mr. Benn with Johnny the Dwarf as the Shopkeeper who always appears 'as if by magic'. Once we'd watched Mike and his missus Claire Manumission swinging round on ropes, a crazy Blind Date-style dare stage show and loads more naked ladies doing sexy dancing, it was time for our turn to take to the stage.

Crazy show, crazy crowd, crazy time to be on. Shock and awe tactics were employed to maximum effect specifically designed to trap the unwary, the unsure or the unconscious. Happy to report the Chain Crew bounded round stage like 8 hyperactive Zebedees. Wicked stuff. With the show finished, 7 of us left to return to the villa for showers and a little rest. One of us stayed behind. That would be Adam then. He returned many hours later with a curious aura, a wild glare in his eyes and incredible stories of hedonism and debauchery. His highlight, it would seem, was being personally invited into the dancers' private dressing room where all sorts of sights were made known to him, the likes of which Benny Hill could only have dreamt of. Well done Adam. This is what he looked like at 10am. Note the legend upon the t-shirt he traded with a lady. Well, it certainly did Adam some good....




01/09/06 - Ibiza
Woke up at 6pm, refreshed and revitalised. Went for a dip. Adam was still asleep. Graham the Bear was out of his head. Decided it would probably be best to take it easy today.


Billy learnt how to swim underwater today. Previously, he'd blow all the air out of his lungs instinctively, unaware that you could retain it to affect your own buoyancy and keep yourself submerged. Once he mastered the basics, he was hooked. Enjoyed another delightful spag bol treat for everyone, courtesy of Xain. This one even came with those posh pasta parcels with ricotta cheese in. Nice. With one square meal under our belts, it was party time. Even Adam woke up for food with the immortal words, "I feel a bit better now. I thought I'd better lie down for a bit. I had a moment of clarity last night when I realised I'd been drunk for a week....". Amazing.

Eggs was on a vodka mission with hilarious consequences. He seemed to get louder and louder and would often break down in hysterical laughter half way through a conversation. I woke up the next day fully clothed on a sun lounger with a skull and crossbones transfer on my face. Good times!




31/08/06 - Ibiza
Woke up to find more inflatables in the pool today. Seems they've been breeding overnight.


We intended on going out to see what we could experience of the legendary Ibizan nightlife tonight. Headed down about 1am to old Ibiza town. Jill was doing an 80's DJ set in a bar called 'Bling-Bling' so the plan was to hook up with her so she could guide us round. As we got off the bus, we were met by Johnny, the resident Manumission dwarf. He seemed friendly (and drunk) enough to show us round so we followed his lead. After a strange roundabout route (taking in lots of local sights, admittedly), we arrived at our destination. Jill was happy to see us so we had a few drinks, chilled for a bit, said goodnight to Johnny (who looked on the verge of collapse) and headed off to Manumission itself for a night of madness. Got there at 5.30am. Very easy to lose all track of time in Ibiza. Privilege was the name of the night and with Jill's assistance we wandered past heavy security with no problems. I can remember thinking of Obi Wan and the Stormtroopers, "These aren't the clarts you're looking for....". Had a great time. As did these boys. Just take a look....


Everything seemed to finish at 7am. Maggot, Adam, Ceri and Billy got a lift back with Jill. Me, GtB, Laura, Sophie and Nicola decided to try and find a taxi to make our own way back. Bit harder than I first imagined. Picture the scene: It's about 7.30am, there are five dishevelled nutters on the side of a dusty road with heavy traffic flying past at supersonic speeds. Turned out we were at a bus stop but we had no idea which way we were heading so had to keep waving the buses on that inevitably stopped. A few cars stopped on unoffical taxi duty but weren't willing to take all of us. One guy who stopped looked like Adam sporting a comedy porno moustache and said he'd be willing to take the girls but not me and Graham. Thought this sounded a bit dodgy so urged the girls to stick it out a little bit longer.

I leant against some railings at the bus stop and the whole fucking thing tipped over to the amusement of all present as well as another busload of locals. On closer inspection, the railings hadn't actually been bolted down, just left on the side of the bus stop. Another bus turned up again and Graham whispered "watch this". As the doors shut and the bus took off, he shot up to his feet, started screaming and hopping from one foot to the next whilst flicking V's at everyone on the bus. Although it didn't really help our situation, it was hilarious and restored our morale as a team stranded on the side of a dusty Spanish road. So it came to pass that we resigned ourselves to this situation, sat crosslegged on the bus stop floor and drank some capfuls of vodka from a bottle that Laura had in her bag. I've never had waves of glowing euphoria and utter despair in such a short space of time. It was like a sine wave constantly fluctuating throughout my entire being. "This is brilliant, we're in Ibiza and we'll never get back and just have to live in the hills forever. Fuckin yes!" followed by "Shit, this is rubbish, it's getting on for 8am, we're stuck fuck knows where and we can't get back, I'll have to sleep in a ditch".

Sure enough, Jill's mate Sharon turned up with a car at about 8.20am. The relief was overwhelming. Someone who knows where they're going, with a car and enough space for us all if we rammed ourselves in. Got back, recounted our adventures to those still conscious then slunk off to bed shortly after. Beautiful, beautiful blissful sleep.




30/08/06 - Ibiza
Show day today down Bar M in San Antonio. Headed down on the old 'Ibiza Rocks' tourbus for a soundcheck.....

   

Soundcheck didn't actually happen as there were just too many people enjoying themselves, their drinks and each other. Last thing we'd want to introduce on such a delightful afternoon are a load of blads shouting, swearing and making a spectacle of themselves onstage. Instead we settled down to a Nando's. In the heat. With loads of hot sauces. Cue instantaneous synchronised 'food whiteys' all round. Our Adam had to run off to the toilet to evacuate his freshly-eaten food before it was projected onto the restaurant floor. Nothing else to do but to return back to the safety of the villa and jump in the pool.

Outdoor swimming pools in the sun provide a wonderful world of relaxation. Poolside games include: Mysty's Diving School (teaching GtB the intricacies of the High Altitude Duck'n'Dive), Team Paddling, Maggot's Water Dancing lessons and many others. Some were daring, some foolhardy, some didn't work properly and others failed in spectacular fashion. All were thoroughly entertaining.


Showtime was at 10pm. Headed down to Bar M again. The place was packed and there seemed to be a good buzz around. Watched Protocol first then got ready to tear the roof off. Amazing show, even if I say so myself. They even provided us with bottles of Strongbow too. First taste of cider in Ibiza. Photographic evidence of our activities can be found right here. Had a wonderful time out in the Ibizan night air. Returned back to our home from home at the villa after a successful and enjoyable night out.


29/08/06 - Ibiza
Still strictly chillin. Plenty of poolside activity. I've spent two amazing days in the compound so far and have no desire to interact with the world outside. However, there's always work to be done and as such Jill Manumission (the delightful lady looking after us over here) is taking me, Maggot and Hattsy out on a Magical Mystery Tour of Ibiza. Fuck knows what we'll encounter.....

Proper mad one that. First stop was a crazy radio station set up in an apartment somewhere in a town somewhere in Ibiza somewhere near some Bladerunner-style smoke stacks. Interviews were conducted by the DJ asking questions in Spanish, Jill translating, us answering and Jill re-translating back again. Bit tricky but resulted in all sorts of comedy anyway. In the following photos, you might note that Hats is clutching a box of Snowballs that Jill got us to keep us happy....

   

Next port of call was the local chemist's or 'La Farmacia'. Identifiable from miles away with a big green cross, we picked up a Spanish bandage (for my wrist), some Delhi Belly tablets (some of the boys were feeling a bit under the weather) and some hair products for the Maggot. Well, I say we did but Jill did the complicated business of communicating with locals to cater for our needs. If it was up to us, we'd have tried to comprehend each other with hand signals, loud voices and pseudo-Español such as 'una bandagido elastico por favor'.

Fuckin starving at this stage and in need of good quality local stodge. Behold the golden choice for all stodge lovers everywhere, the one, the only 'Disco Burger'. Look at the delight on our Hattsy's face. Burgers unt beers. Fantastica.

   

Still unsure as to the actual name of the place that we got the lovely burgers - may have been 'Bar Va Bene', 'Blas de Lezo' or just 'Disco Burger Central'. I prefer the latter meself. Don't think I actually ate anything today (apart from a packet of crisps and a snowball) so 'Disco Burgers' were like real Ibizan manna from heaven. Doubt I've ever been more grateful for a burger. Top stuff and well recommended if you're in the area.

Headed back to the villa where we found the rest of the boys, the Newport Girls along with Graham the Bear and Big G hosting a pool party where celebrations were in full swing. GtB and the G-ster had arrived the day before and made the trip over in the afternoon. Lots of heavy drinking, dancing, singing, swimming, swearing and laughing at each other's antics carried out late, very late into the night. Nice times.


28/08/06 - Ibiza
Adam made friends with the horse in the field next to the villa today. He fed him some Oreo cookies and wouldn't leave him alone. Think the hardcore drinking may have had a profound effect on him. I'm sharing a room with Hattsy. He thinks the bedroom setup is reminiscent of Bert and Ernie in Sesame Street. I'm inclined to agree but if that's the case then who is who...?

We still haven't fully recovered from the weekend and the flight over so I'm relieved we've got a few days of R&R at least. Xain treated us to a wicked spag bol delight and managed to feed all of us. We had a lovely surprise visit from Newport Lasses Ceri, Hannah and Becky who managed to find us after dealing with a crazy taxi ride, a Spanish driver who had no idea where he was going and a few frantic telephone calls. We drank long into the night, comparing travel experiences, impressions of Ibiza and old school games, adventures, characters and legends. Managed to get a few snaps of the villa to give you an idea of the vibe. Enjoy. Erm...admittedly, there are a couple more shots of the hammock in there again but, shit, I love hammocks. The idea of swinging round and going to sleep or staying conscious and just relaxing is too good to miss.

       



27/08/06 - Stanstead/Ibiza
Shouldn't have bothered sleeping really. It was only about 4 hours or something daft. Billy and Adam decided to stay up drinking and were now stuck in some impenetrable, cider-induced dimension. I felt like an outsider, a casual observer peering into the alcoholic goldfish bowl for a change.

Got all the bags and stuff we needed off the bus. Onwards to the airport. I fucking hate airports. Due to the recent terrorist threat, the 'alert level' had been changed from beige to amber or something now which meant loads of stressed people stressing out other people who weren't stressed previously. Adam was truly hammered and kept shouting and singing all the way into the airport whilst smoking a fag. We hadn't even got there yet and we'd already branded ourselves as proper 'Brits on the Piss'. Adam was so busy singing 'Newport, Newport' (to the tune from 'New York, New York') that he rounded a corner and managed to kick a bloke in the head who was lying on the floor in a sleeping bag asleep. Good old Adam. Never a dull moment when Adam's had a few and is in a place where he's supposed to behave. I want to force feed him tequila and let him loose in a museum just to see what happens.

First sketch on. We exceeded hold allowance. Next sketch, my bag's deemed too big for hand luggage and Dr. Cum attempted to take two bags on. Tired and emotional, I took out my laptop leads and wrapped them round my neck to allow the bag to fit. Cummer attempted to give his other piece of hand luggage to Billy as he had none but this just seemed to infuriate the 'authorities' further. Bloody rubbish. They don't make it fucking easy for people who just want to get somewhere. Another sketch, Adam's four-finger fitted comedy sovereigns were classed as 'offensive weapons' and confiscated. Adam, in a state of inebriated panic denied they could be used for wrongdoing as they had the word 'LOVERS' stamped clearly on the front. This didn't wash and with a casual, "well, fuck you then", Adam wandered off to get into trouble somewhere else.

Finally, we made our way into a horrible airport cafe with a massive queue, loads of tired, angry people both serving and being served and a horrible smell of cheap yet comically overpriced food. Imagine the irony, just when I thought I couldn't take any more, the Vengaboys comes on over the tinny sound system....."Whoooooooaaaah! We're going to Ibiza! (Diddle-iddle-doot-doot) Whoooooooaaaah! Back to the island!". Despite all the stresses and strains endured thus far, festival fever, dealing with alcoholic bandmates and sleep deprivation, it actually brought a smile to my face.

Adam continued singing all the way to check-in, at check-in, through check-in and onto the plane. Brilliant. After promising me that he was "going to tear up the party island", Adam passed out and I soon followed suit. We woke to find ourselves landing on the beautiful island paradise that is Ibiza. We were met by Johnathan, our 'Ibiza Rocks' tour bus driver who delivered us safely into the Manumission villa. After a trip like ours, imagine a sight like this to greet a weary traveller....


I had a feeling I'd like it here. Chucked my stuff in a random room downstairs, got my trunks on and began the chillin process. Cue relaxation techniques of the very highest order. I experienced a 3 hour sleep on a hammock swaying in a gentle breeze with azure skies above, a beautiful pool quietly lapping a few steps away and palm trees gently rustling every now and then. Truly lovely stuff after the crazy weekend we'd just had. As they say in these parts, "Frialdad al máximo".
Translation: "Chilled to the Max".


26/08/06 - Reading Festival/Stanstead Airport
Owwwwwww. Rolled over on my arm at some stage in the afternoon and managed to stifle a scream. Proper pain. Can remember thinking, "Bollocks. It's a big show day, I've got to throw myself round on stage and I've really fucked myself up this time". Gave Tour Manager Thom a shout who managed to grab a couple of kind St. John's Ambulance people to give me the once over. They suspected a fracture but couldn't really do anything other than strap my wrist up for a bit of support. Fair play to them though, that stopped a lot of the pain and prevented me from bashing it on stuff.

Had a chat with Bibs who explained the problems with trying to sleep in a converted A-Team van. Poor lad. Bit more press, grabbed some grub then headed back to the bus to prepare for the show. Check out Eggs and Adam having a chat to someone about Reading right here. Met an Aussie bloke called Steve who turned out to be the keyboardist from Jet. We had a good chat about allotments and sheds (as the outskirts of Reading Festival is surrounded by vegetable plots and stuff) then discussed an Australian film I'd seen years ago but nobody I've asked ever seems to remember. Turned out he'd seen it too and correctly identified it as 'The Quiet Earth' about a dude who wakes up to find that everyone else on the planet has disappeared. He also pointed out it was a New Zealand production as opposed to Australian. I love it when that happens. It's great talking to strangers and then finding out you've more in common than a good sense of humour and quality facial hair. Said goodbye to Steve Jet and had a look at how things were transpiring in the tent. Things were looking good again - the tent was filled to capacity with loads more people lining the outside. Popped a couple of painkillers, knocked it back with a Strongbow, had a big stretch then went on. Had a bloody brilliant time too. Ballsy looks like Connor MacLeod at the end of 'Highlander' when he's suspended by wires and starts spinning round. Check it out one time, yo.

                   

Jack and Meg White returned (played with full festival-induced enthusiasm by one Dipper Nan and sister Sinead) but decided to make an appearance for 'Penis' as opposed to 'I'm Thinking About Your Missus'. Never can tell with that Jack White bloke, honestly he's so unpredictable. He puts the 'mental' back into 'experimental'. Bus call was at a strict 11pm as we were jetting out to Ibiza in the early hours of the next day. Final verdict on 2006 Festival Madness: Top shit.


25/08/06 - Reading Festival
Woke up to find us stuck in the car park at the Reading Festival. They weren't allowing us on site till later on that day due to heavy bus traffic. That's what happens when loads of bands congregate together apparently. Xain and Maggot had separated from the Mothership whilst in orbit and were headed on a trajectory towards Cooper's Field, Cardiff for a GLC Soundsystem bash. An A-Team van outside signalled the arrival of one Mr and Mrs Bibs who we were delighted to have along. We were even treated to an appearance from one Zoeknowsit too in full GLC Forum representation. Once we managed to get into the festival grounds, we were herded towards the main stage where we were asked to present a meat raffle or something. Think the winning ticket got a leg of lamb. Either way, we got some hearty roars of approval when we appeared. Then we headed off to hook up with Cardiff boys The Automatic to assist them in a cover of Kanye West's 'Gold Digger' along with the support of a solid brass section. Nice.

No rest for the razzers. Press stuff to do so we had a wander back to the backstage bar and said hello to some media and not-so-media types. Ran into our favourite culinary person who kept us alive on tour, Collette from 'Eat to the Beat'. Also ran into Steve from Pokerplayer Magazine. He was one of the poker crew who we took to the cleaners at what was dubbed the 'Safe As Fuck Invitational 2006'. Good old boy. Eggs was invited to DJ at a VIP bar so we all popped down to see what was going on. He plugged his iBook in, enabled the science and sure enough soon filled a previously empty dancefloor with gyrating, inebriated bodies.

Things went a bit hazy for me after this. I can remember attending the Silent Disco with Steve Lamacq and some other bloke playing head to head and having a great time. Made lots of new friends on stage and enjoyed handing out headphones to all and sundry. Had many a dance off. Enjoyed taking my headphones off and watching people dancing in silence then start singing to whatever chorus was playing at the time. Think I may have tried to rugby tackle Huw Stephens too. Then to top it all off, I stacked it down the ramp at the back where it had been raining and fell on my arm. There's a lot of Mysty for one left arm to support and I damaged myself but was just having too much fun at the time to realise. Went to bed soon after and fell into a dark chasm of unconsciousness. Probably for the best really.


24/08/06 - Leeds Festival/Reading Festival
Must have been a late one last night. Regained consciousness at midday to the sounds of a typical festival outside. Bass reverberations, screams of delight and random construction noise means we must be on site. Had a slightly hungover wander round in bright sunshine. Food's the first order of the day. Bought a shit sausage sandwich with horrible primary school canteen-style bangers and a flour-dusted stale roll for a meagre £3.50. Rubbish. Then again, things can only get better from this crap start. Located the showers and stuff and ran into our old Scouse chum Perry Leach who used to do our merchandising driving round in a golf buggy. He seemed quite happy though explained he missed the old days of being on the bus with us, getting hammered and fleecing us at Tiger Woods Golf.

Showtime rolled round at 5pm. We were on the NME Radio 1 Stage. Wicked show. Proper packed with people spilling out either side of the tent. The Hi-Viz vibe was in full effect. We even managed to dress up Killer Tomothy and Tour Manager Thom as Meg and Jack White respectively for a surprise appearance on 'I'm Thinking About Your Missus', a cheeky live take on the White Stripes classic 'My Doorbell'. Lovely stuff. Killer Tom made quite an attractive bird, even if he did have lemons to accentuate his bosom.

Headed off to the shower to freshen up then popped over to catering for a lovely bit of braised beef. Nice. No rip-offs evident this time round. There was a potential plan drawn up to check out Pearl Jam on the main stage but I seemed to end up as part of a stage invasion in a rave tent instead. Think it might have been 2 Many DJs but I'm not entirely sure. Amazing. Then, at 11pm, everything came to a juddering halt. Shame that. Just when everyone was ready for a proper knees-up. Headed back to the Mothership where Hattsy was 'getting in nice' for Film Club. He'd invested in some 97p. DVD's from Tesco and was determined to get some enjoyment out of them. 'Knights of the City' was his choice for tonight, a production made in 1986 that features a street gang trying to get a recording contract with small cameos from Smokey Robinson and Kurtis Blow. It was that bad it magically transformed itself into high-brow entertainment. Well worth 97p. for such a piece of classic crap 80's cinema. Off to Reading next.


24/08/06 - Newport/Leeds
Day before Leeds Festival which means running round getting stuff prepared, packed and ready to go. The plan is to get down to Leeds Festival tonight, do the show tomorrow, head off to Reading, stick around for a day of press and chillin, do the show the next day, then off to Ibiza for the next exciting installment of Chain-based madness. I'm sure it'll all go according to plan....

Picked up Xain and Killer Tomothy from the station, stopped by the Railway Tandoori for an essential pickup and headed back to my pad to feast upon Asian Foodstuffs. Some of the other boys popped over, had a practice of some of the tunes hand-picked for the festival season then headed up to the local for a few liveners. In between playing pool, goes on the quiz machine and general banter, Hattsy managed to power drink four Strongbows and was well on his way when we left for the bus. Good start! Let's go to Leeds....


23/08/06 - Newport
Had a call from Leeroy Fashions to say that he's been having a few problems with his internet connection. Apparently, I've been recommended as the man to call due to my previous incarnation as an 'Internet Service Engineer' (Translation: bloke in a call centre who's doing a whole lot more than he's actually paid to). Mind you, I managed to fix his machine before when he was having trouble so perhaps I could work the old magic again.

Called round to find that the patient in question, an old Windows '98 machine was in a bad way. Booted up OK but there was no desktop displayed and the whole thing just crashed. Employed the tried and tested method of booting into 'Safe Mode' (ho-ho) but encountered the same problem again. Ran Scandisk and this indicated that nothing was wrong. No bad clusters. Not entirely sure what that meant anyway but think it has something to do with hard disk integrity. This is the thing right, I know what I know and anything I don't, I try to learn with varying degrees of success. As luck would have it, the Fash was considering buying a brand new machine anyway so I thought it better to assist him with setting that up. Win some, lose some I suppose. At least I could give him a hand with the new machine when that arrives.


22/08/06 - Newport
Feeling pretty good today despite not being on a bike in ages. Just goes to show that if you're enjoying yourself when you're exercising, it doesn't really affect you as badly. That's what I think anyway.


21/08/06 - Newport
So I woke up to my mobile ringing and Graham the Bear announcing that today was a wonderful day and we should go off on a bike ride. I've been rattling on at him for ages about the benefits of cycling and being out in the country air so it's only right he should do the same to me. Picked my bike up, made sure the gears were alright, bit of WD-40 and pumped the tyres up. Cycled over to Graham's folks' place and prepared ourselves physically and mentally. We set off along the canal path on the way up to Cwmcarn Forest Drive. Graham started making excited animal noises along the way and was obviously enjoying himself. I too had a great time remembering sights, sounds and smells from when I used to follow this same route years ago. We saw families of ducks, massive dragonflies and a heron that watched us for a bit then started flying alongside us. Then he flew to the top of a tree and watched us intently till we rode out of sight.

Got to the Visitor's Centre at Cwmcarn, stopped for a bit, looked at the lake, turned round and headed back. We tried riding alongside each other and doing our own version of Easy Rider but the chances of one or both of us stacking it and ending up in the canal/riding off a cliff/running over fishermen, etc. was far too high so we just resumed our previous riding positions instead. Lovely stuff. Got back home about 3 hours later, tired and aching a bit but happy. Just goes to show what adventures you can have right on your doorstep. Find out more. Have a look around. You never know what you might find.


20/08/06 - Newport
Here's another one for you to ponder. You know when you're about to go somewhere you've never been before and someone might describe the place. In your mind, you build up a mental picture of what you're expecting. Then, when you get there, the mental projection that you created in your mind is replaced with the reality of what's actually there. Why should the original mental image disappear just because you no longer need it...? Why not retain the original plans you drew up in your head and compare them to what's actually there...? The first time you try it, you might discover just how difficult it is to retain the original mental blueprints. Try it next time you're off somewhere new. Rewire your mind. Transform your consciousness. Or just play games in your head.


19/08/06 - Newport
Invited over to a Film Club hosted by none other than Graham the Bear today. He kicked off proceedings with one of his personal favourites, 'The Five Doctors'. Lovely to see proper TV from 1983. Following on from this, we enjoyed Christopher Walken as an insane fallen angel in 'The Prophecy'. Had to get home after that stage as I was too drunk to stand. For Film Club and good times just....Follow the Bear.


18/08/06 - Newport
Today marks the start of the V Festival and as such, Xain and Eggs were invited to go off and interview anyone they saw fit. You can read of their adventures and misbeaviour right here.


17/08/06 - Newport
There were plans of bike rides and appreciating the beauty of nature today. Torential rain and a complete lack of waterproof clothing made this original proposal a little less enticing. Unfazed by the elements, Hattsy and Billy pushed on regardless and made it back to my house for tea and cake. Hats picked a selection of good quality cakes (angel cake, walnut cake and madeira cake) from Avana Bakeries, a strange shop that's been down Rogerstone way for as long as I can remember. He said he got a few funny looks from the old ladies and housewives as he stood in line dripping wet and covered in mud. At least it would have given them something to talk about.


16/08/06 - Newport
May have been one of the side effects of an evening of fine cider appreciation but I had loads of crazy dreams last night. One of the ones I remember was living in a house on wheels that kept moving to places of its own accord. I can remember thinking that it'd be a nightmare to get post delivered or trying to find your house after a heavy night out if it kept moving round. Then I discovered a secret room upstairs that I'd never noticed before. Turned out I had a Chinese foreign exchange student living there that no one had told me about. Can sleep-induced illusions of this sort actually mean anything...? I think it might take a bit of working out if that's the case.


15/08/06 - Newport
Hooked up with Kev again today for 'An Evening of Fine Cider Appreciation'. Research commenced with five different types of specialist cider. From the results gathered, the following table was drawn up.....


  'An Evening of Fine Cider Appreciation'  

  TYPE     STRENGTH     TASTE     GLUGGABILITY     TOTAL  
  Savanna Dry         2/5     4/5           5/5     11/15
  Westons Family Reserve         3/5     3/5           3/5     9/15
  Westons Strong Organic         4/5     3/5           3/5     10/15
  Merrydown Vintage         3/5     2/5           3/5     8/15
  Westons Special Reserve         4/5     4/5           4/5     12/15
  Savanna Dry (2nd try)        3/5     4/5           5/5     12/15


Wicked unt bad. Needless to say 'Gluggability' isn't a technical term but essential for those with a thirst for the finer fermented apple-based things in life. It allows you to gauge the ease, accessibilty and 'quick-drinking cider buzz' of all of the fine cider products listed above. Obviously Strongbow, Magners and Bulmers need not be tested, we know these cider products inside out and trust them implicitly. Trust the results. All cider drinking took place under strict scientific conditions.


14/08/06 - Newport
Had a word with my good mate Kev who seems to think that the crazy satellite TV station that played ambient music in the background all night long (see 12/06/06) was called 'Bayern Das Werld' or something similar. Why don't they do anything like that anymore...? In this world of rushing round, deadlines, hecticness and stress, it'd be perfect to unwind to. If anyone can remember anything about this TV channel, please let me know.


13/08/06 - Newport
Very strange day today. Spent most of the day drifting in and out of consciousness. Woke up then had a lovely doze for a bit with odd, vivid, flashing dreams. Lots of colours. Watched telly for a bit and fell asleep on the sofa watching a 'Carry On' film. Woke up to 'Father Ted' then a lovely 'Tales of the Unexpected'. I can always remember watching the intro sequence and getting confused. I'd see the spinning gun, the roulette wheel, the tarot cards and the dancing silhouette woman and automatically assume that there was a Bond film on. See what I mean....?


12/08/06 - Newport
It was Adam's birthday today. Headed down to the 'Gentlemen's Club' for a spot of lunch then back to Adam's, stopping at an off-licence along the way. Invested in lots of Bow. Carnage commenced shortly after. Eggs had to have a Gentleman's Nap in Adam's bed after all the excitement and good eating from the afternoon. Loads of other heads turned up over the course of the night. Nice to see Leeroy Fashions in an area. Hooked up with Karen the Stylist, Reiki Jo and a chap called Ron who I'd never met before. He was obsessed with space. We had a great chat about satellites. Towards the end of the night, Adam declared this as one of his best birthdays ever. Mission successful. Must have got a taxi back again at some stage. It's good to have a proper blow-out session ever now and then.


11/08/06 - Newport
Check this bloke out, he's got the right idea. Look at these lot too - you can vote on people's sheds. Fuckin yes!


10/08/06 - Newport
Went off on a little adventure today. Had a wander round the houses to see what's out there. It's amazing what you can find. You can live somewhere for 10 years and never know what's round the corner. Adventure is literally right outside your door. Admittedly it might not be akin to Indiana Jones but there are loads of interesting things out there just waiting to be discovered.

I've been thinking about allotments recently. I can remember my relatives taking me down to their allotments and me getting into trouble for climbing into other people's sheds. I was fascinated by them and still am. There's no other place I can think of where random bits of wood could be cobbled together to make a living/working compartment. You can grow your own stuff, get away from the world and just chill. Perhaps not now but I'll definitely have a look in the future. Imagine turning your garden shed into a pub and getting all your mates round. You could turn it into an after-hours nightclub. With two storeys. The possibilites are endless.




09/08/06 - Newport
I've a feeling after the kind of Summer we've had, massive electrical storms are on the way. I love them. The ionised air always smells amazing after a storm, much fresher. Perhaps it's the ozone.


08/08/06 - Newport
Picked up copies of Volumes 1 and 2 of 'Charley Says' the other day. It's a collection of public information films from way back in the day. It's amazing how many I could remember. Everyone remembers Charley the cat and his friend with no name advising kids on the dangers of matches, rivers and strangers. Just a little less known were Dave Prowse as the 'Green Cross Code Man', a weird ghost thing going on about ponds and rivers and the scare-you-shitless 'Play Safe' campaign that I can remember reducing some of the kids in my class to tears. You can find an extensive selection right here.


07/08/06 - Newport
Like many other new cities and towns, Newport's undergoing something of transformation. One of the biggest changes is going to be the demolition of the mighty Kingsway Shopping Centre. Even the giant golden fibreglass comedy crown at the back of the Kingsway Centre's been taken down. I like to think that someone's got that in their living room somewhere. I can remember plans being drawn up for 'Kingsway: A New Dawn of Shopping in Newport' and we got some pictures to colour in at primary school. Turned out we got a whole load of crazy shops selling pyschedelic market t-shirts, fake trainers, bongs, porcelain dalmatians and massive pictures of tigers. Oh and a Tesco that was then turned into an Argos. It was an amazing place. You could spend hours wandering round when you were supposed to be at school. I'll be very sad to see it go.


06/08/06 - Newport
Headed down to see my bro Martin pH Balanced and his missus, Spaced-Out Stace today. They made sure I was looked after with some posh barbecue food and even let me take out my frustrations on the Swingball in the garden. When I say 'take out my frustrations', I mean I battered fuck out of it as opposed to anything I might have been arrested for. I don't really think it's a case of what you could do to a Swingball anyway, it's more a question of what a Swingball could do to you.

Something weird happened to them last night. MpHB was out in the back garden watching shooting stars. He'd spotted one when looking out the window so told Stace excitedly and they both went out to see if they could spot any more. Their patience was soon rewarded when they observed what they assumed to be a meteor shower with numerous shooting stars flying across the cosmos, universally displayed. Then out of the corner of his eye, Mart spotted a strange light above and across from them. On closer inspection, it appeared to be a glowing orange orb, a few hundred feet above the rooftops travelling silently across the night sky. There was no light as such, no sound, no exhaust flare and no obvious means of propulsion. It was too low down to have been anything caught in a jetstream and yet it carried on travelling steadily and at a constant speed until it went out of sight. Could it have been another type of cosmological phenomenon like ball lightning...? Someone setting off a weather balloon or a means of recording the meteor shower perhaps...? Maybe they were travellers from a far away land who wanted to see the Transporter Bridge on it's 100th anniversary...? We may never know but we can still always wonder. I don't provide answers as such, just more fuel for the burning fires of curiosity within us all.


05/08/06 - Newport/Bath/Newport
Twas Rad's wedding today. Just to explain, Rad is a lovely chap who sorts out all the promoter-style gig gubbins that us mere mortals would make a proper hash of. As such, he kindly invited us down to his wedding reception somewhere in Bath. Headed down to Adam's to find him proper wrecked from Friday night and recovering from Graham the Bear's regular Bassment entertainment session. Stinking of booze and stumbling round the living room in his pants, Adam decided to crank up some sounds and try and sort himself out by drinking more lager. He hadn't had anything to eat at this stage so me and Hattsy decided to take a trip down to Lidl to find some edible bits and pieces. Don't believe what they tell you about Lidl - it's not all pre-packed, pre-war rations that were found in an underground bunker, some of it's actually quite good quality.

Managed to find a fajita kit, some fresh chicken meat and other assorted munchings. Got back to find Adam bordering on unconsciousness due to lack of food. The beauty of fajita kits is that as long as you have the essentials (the kit, the meat, fresh onions and peppers), you've got good quality hangover-curing stodge in next to no time at all. Hattsy had brought a bottle of 'Cripplecock' cider back from one of his more recent camping excursions so we gulped this down with gusto in the fajita factory and were soon well on the way to Wreckhead Central. Good workings!

Jamie arrived to take us in his funbus to Bath. On the way, Adam and Eggs kept singing their rendition of Jerry Reed's 'East Bound and Down' from 'Smokey & the Bandit'. Got to the wedding reception after traversing a number of dodgy backlit country lanes and found ourselves in a field with a number of marquees dotted around. It was more like an outdoor festival than a traditional wedding reception. Ferret racing, sumo suits, pugil sticks and a free bar. Which would you assume we'd visit first...? Yes, we settled down in luxury seats with our drinks and surveyed our pleasant surroundings. Ran into Justin Hawkins who came to join us for a few more drinks and a chat. Had a go on the pugil sticks and got twatted by Adam who remained Ultimate Champion. Enjoyed some summer cocktails which then took hold and immediately took it up a gear. Can remember dancing to an Irish band and things seemed to get a bit hazy after that. Apparently we went back to Adam's. Taxis were called early in the morning and I fell in a ditch on the way home. To relive the splendour and camaraderie of 'East Bound and Down', just click here. It's certainly more than worth it.


04/08/06 - Newport
Today sees the birth of one Gordon Ramesses and his 'Wreckhead Recipes'. Gordon's sick and tired of people trying too hard to cook decent food at decent times so encourages everyone to get wrecked up and attempt to throw together something semi-edible with anything they may have lying around. You too can send in recipe favourites, 5 minute snacks and munchables made of decomposing matter. Send them in to the usual address.


03/08/06 - Newport
'Monkey Magic' and 'Quantum Leap' on in the afternoons. They just don't make stuff like this any more. Now they've started a 'Studio Ghibli' season too so you get all sorts of crazy animation on too. Wicked.


02/08/06 - Newport
I take back my comments concerning televisual viewing - Freeview's fuckin amazing. Caught 'Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure' and James Bond classic 'You Only Live Twice' today. The latter includes footage of Sean Connery training to become a ninja. Then again, he's also transformed into a pretty unconvincing Japanese bloke with comedy eyebrows too, so you can't believe everything you watch. Quality. It's like having Christmas films on all the time. Caught a strange, late night documentary called 'Lord of the Dance Machine' too. Just goes to show what you're capable of when you're dedicated to a cause. Any cause really, as long as you're dedicated.


01/08/06 - Newport
Behold! At last, I can reveal our virtual dojo, The Shirt Ninja Hall of Fame. Big Ninja-Do ups to everyone who sent their Shirt Ninja snaps in.


31/07/06 - Newport
Hywel (King Vampire) popped round and managed to fix my Freeview box today. Well, he didn't fix it as much as swap my old box for his one. Now I've got 30 channels of shit as opposed to 4. Wicked. Mind you, it's all a bonus for me. I've never had any of these posh channels before so am mesmerised by the possiblity of reruns of classic shows.


30/07/06 - Newport
Saw a shooting star in the back garden tonight. All happened very quickly. There was a flash of light across the night sky leaving a glowing, luminescent trail behind it. Once it had gone, I had to double check my short term memory to make sure it really had happened. Wonder what it was made of...?


29/07/06 - Newquay/Newport
Managed to get back at 5am. Drove to the house. Back to bed. Slept till 1.30pm. Proper aching from the surfing escapade. Instigated classic chill mode. Footage from Dolgellau was on S4C so settled in to watch some of that. All looked pretty good. The Hi-Viz seemed to work very well. Just before we went on stage, I said something to the camera about computer animation in music videos, fuck knows what all that was about. Headed back to bed early for a monster 12 hour lie-down. Fuckin yes.


28/07/06 - Newquay
Woke up in the space pod aboard the Mothership and decided to take a picture of the first things I saw....


A light and aircon vent weren't that interesting so decided to have a look out of the window instead....


Stumbled outside into the bright sunlight. First order of the day was to blow the cobwebs out with a spot of surfing with British Surf Champion Alan Stokes and equipment borrowed from the Animal Surf Academy. Enjoyed this a lot more than I thought I would. All the old magic was still there, I just needed a bit more practice. Of course, after an hour or so, none of us wanted to get out. We could have stayed there quite happily, bobbing around, catching waves, sometimes standing up, sometimes stacking it all day. You can check out our exciting action surf shots along with more pictures from the day on the GLC News section. For now, on with more stories that the pictures just don't show.

Got back, had a spot of munch then headed backstage for a bit of press. Indulged in the newly established sport of 'West End Frisbee'. Two gangs stand either end of a plot of land and proceed to throw three frisbees at the opposing team, one after the other, with the intention of hitting other players. If any of the frisbees hit the opponents, a mighty cheer errupts and offensive comments are exchanged. Of course, we were having that much fun that sooner or later, a security guard had to get involved and quote the immortal pleasure-quashing term 'health and safety'. Bloody rubbish. The risk and danger in smashing equipment, breaking a finger or losing an eye we each understood and accepted. Regardless, we carried on until he sent someone else over to tell us exactly the same thing at which stage we wandered back to the dressing room, each of us slowly, sadly shaking our heads and muttering.

Had a wonderful show with a great responsive crowd and even had a full-scale robot invasion for 'Half-Man, Half-Machine'. Just happened to be the same robot team we saw at V last year (see 21/08/05). Brilliant. Headed back to the dressing room after to kickstart the drinking and frivolities. Hooked up with Lynsey and her mate Sarah for drinking fun and games. Here is a lovely picture of us looking slightly worse for wear....



Alright, so they look fine and I'm the only one who looks hammered. Adam found a classic motorbike and decided to recreate some lost scenes from 'Easy Rider'....



We had a visit from some of the Newport Ladies Club who descended on our camp and convinced some of our number to accompany them back to their campsite. So it was that we parted company with Billy, Eggs and Adam and the rest of us made our weary way back to Newport aboard the Mothership. Newquay - a lovely time to be had by all.


27/07/06 - Newport/Newquay
Today a bloke in an orange, ill-fitting Rula Lenska style wig walked past me in town with a strange smile on his face. Then I saw him again. And then again. If I was a little more paranoid, I could have been sure he was following me. So I turned round to watch what he was doing instead. He was walking the entire length of the high street, getting to the bottom, waiting for a bit and then doing the same again. Over and over again. I've never seen him before. Does he do that all day long...? Why does he do it...? How long has be doing it...? So many questions. I didn't really want to stop him and ask, he looked like he was enjoying himself too much.

Boarded the fun bus at midnight to set off for Newquay. Adam's obsession with managers of motorway service stations continues unabated. Here he is looking good with the manager of Bridgwater Moto Services.



Maggot decided to play his newly-acquired Jeff Mills 'Blue Potential' DVD downstairs on the bus. Ever the experimentalist, Jeff's hooked up with the Montpellier National Orchestra to re-translate some of his more established techno classics. Crazy stuff. Whenever anyone came downstairs to see what the strings and techno-driven racket was, they'd inevitably end up doing a little dance and come and join us or return whence they came. Reminded me of 'Acid Brass', a strange hybrid of Acid House and Big Brass Bands from a few years back. Check out the Williams Fairey Brass Band's rendition of 808 State's 'Pacific 202'. Top shit.


26/07/06 - Newport
Appeared at a press conference to promote the Crow Point festival today. Seemed to be held in the Newport Wastesavers offices right opposite the proposed site of the festival. Inside they'd made a dalek from recycled bits and pieces that Adam promptly took a profound interest in.



Some freelance photographer dudes came down and took some shots of us on the Transporter Bridge. Back in the day, people would have used the crossing all the time and queued to do so but nowadays, there are other ways round. If visiting Newport, have a go on the Transporter Bridge. It's a good laugh and gives you a direct link to the history of Newport. Oh, and it's only 50p.

Had an impromptu film session tonight. Hooked up with Hattsy to watch 'Pi'. I'd seen it ages ago but he'd never seen it before. Crazy stuff. All about order and chaos, chaos theory, observing patterns in nature and all sorts. Very good. It all comes down to numbers, apparently. If mathematics is the language of nature then everything around us is predetermined and can be plotted, observed and predicted as such. Good thinky film with a crazy soundtrack.


25/07/06 - Newport
Can't seem to recall what happened today. Perhaps I slipped in between parallel dimensions and experiencd what was going on in both at the same time causing me to lose a day. Perhaps not, although I think there may have been some rain.


24/07/06 - Newport
It's important to never lose your sense of childish curiosity. When we were young, we'd ask all sorts of questions to allow us to learn about and adapt to the world around us. As we grow older, we don't ask as many questions any more when we should. We should be asking questions all the time. Ask yourself the same questions even if no one else is listening.

In primary school we were asked to paint a picture of where we lived. I spent ages working on my picture and was very proud of the finished result. When I was asked to the front of the class, I naturally assumed I was to be commended on the amount of time and effort I'd spent on the project. Instead, I was ridiculed by the teacher for painting green flowers in the garden. When I asked why there weren't any green flowers, I was told not to speak out of turn. How does that help anyone...? I'm happy to announce that green flowers actually do exist and the teacher was wrong. This incident may well have been the catalyst for my attempted sabotage of the classroom (see 01/08/05).


23/07/06 - Portsmouth/Newport
Got back at 9am. Very tired. Drove home, back to bed. Woke up at 3pm. Still proper knackered. It's amazing how being away for two days can affect you so much. Instigated chill mode and attempted to get back into a proper sleeping pattern. Seemed to work after a couple of goes.


22/07/06 - Portsmouth
Portsmouth is our Ultimate Cursed Location. Things always go terribly wrong down here (for a full and frank explanation, see 23/02/06) so we were all on our guard. Found a nice cafe round the corner from where the bus was parked and settled down for a spot of breakfast. Locating suitable eating establishments is always a top priority when on the road. Good food prevents tiredness, sickness, depression and any other things that could be attributed to long distance travelling.

We'd been put up in some kind of classroom with a caged balcony that overlooked the entrance for the students to come in. It reminded me of Ancient Rome when the Senators and the better off Romans would come to inspect the gladiators before they fought to see which were worth putting their hard-earned sestertius on. Me and Hattsy settled down to 'Immortal' on his personal DVD player and locked ourselves into a crazy world of futuristic Egyptian style myth and magic for a while. Very good if you're into futuristic societies and cityscapes. Nice blend of CGI and live action too.





Tour Manager Thom announced that it was some kind of Chinese munch for dinner so me and Hattsy made our own plans. We flagged a cab down and asked him to take us to the best Indian Restaurant around. Fifteen minutes later, we found ourselves in the 'Indian Cottage' having a lovely time. They even sorted us some doggy bags out so we could heat the remaining morsels up on the bus. For once, everything was working out alright.

The show itself wasn't amazing though the student crowd were cheering in all the right places so we must have done something right. Once all was done, we set off on our merry way back Portwise. Nice little two-day jaunt that one.


21/07/06 - Dolgellau/Portsmouth
Dolgellau - a truly lovely town. Woke up at about midday to an empty bus and pottered about for a bit trying to figure out where everyone had gone. Soon found them either chilling in the dressing room or playing football in the field. Did a few interviews and stuff, hooked up with Huw Stephens then shot off for the first and only meal of the day. Lasagne and chips. Proper Stodge Factor 10. Great stuff. You have to be careful what you eat when you're involved in a high-energy dance extravaganza but at this stage, I was just too hungry to care.

Had an amazing response from the gathered crowds, a lovely time to be had by all. Maddened overexcited crowd members tried to storm backstage when we came off but were held back at the last moment. Off to Portsmouth tomorrow. I'd like to say I had an early night but you know I'd just be lying to both of us.


20/07/06 - Newport/Dolgellau
We're appearing at the Sesiwn Fawr in Dolgellau tomorrow so today was all about preparation. Adequate leisurewear? Check. Hi-Viz garments? Check. Shit gold? Check. Decided to leave on the bus tonight to cut out all the hassle of travelling there on the day so we popped over to Adam's for a last minute barbecue. May have left it a little bit late as it was pitch black by the time food was served but at least that's another important lesson learned. Nothing a few strategically placed desk lamps couldn't resolve.




19/07/06 - Newport
Just finished 'Time Out of Joint' by Philip K Dick. Might explain some of the crazy thoughts flying through my head recently. Reality displacement is a funny thing. When the flimsy layers of a previously accepted reality dissolve away to reveal a glittering new vision of reality, how do you react...? If what you previously accepted as a hard-edged reality disappears to be replaced with something even more startling, what do you do...? You can retreat back into the familiar mental cave that your mind is used to or dive headlong into a fresh reality where adapting is the only means of survival. It's an interesting theme that people have toyed with for centuries. Let's hope they don't stop now.


18/07/06 - Newport
Been working on a top secret Chain-related project today. Can't say too much but it involves leisurewear, locations, dancing, action, rapping, more leisurewear and some of the best sequences ever comitted to sort-of celluloid. Doesn't really give that much away but you'll thank me in the end. I promise.


17/07/06 - Newport
Been trying to get my Freeview box working since I moved in but not having much luck. Changed the aerial, replaced the batteries in the remote, signal should be fine and I've checked that I can get it in my area but the box still ignorantly reports 'No Signal'. I even resorted to reading the 'Quickstart Manual'. Then when that didn't work I read the 'Normal Manual'. Even had a go at the 'Troubleshooting Tips', all to no avail. Bloody rubbish. How hard can it be...?


16/07/06 - Newport
Bit better today but still not right. My arms seem to have gone numb. Is that a serious issue...? I can remember talking to Eggs a while ago about random pains. If our bodies are like the most complicated computers known to man then are random pains that make no sense just minor malfunctions of that sensory setup...? Perhaps it's like feedback. Perhaps the brain sends out signals to check that various parts are working properly and sometimes the message comes back a bit garbled. Worth further investigation that one.


15/07/06 - Newport
Not very well today. Feverish, spaced out and generally run down. Had a lovely lie down but still no better.


14/07/06 - Newport
Managed to catch 'Glastonbury', a documentary film all about the World's favourite festival today. Brilliant stuff. One of its strengths is the way that it captures everyone's stories from their perspective. From typical festival-going folk through to Eavis. From heads of security driving round in jeeps to a load of nutters trying to scale the fence armed only with a camcorder and a ladder. Amazing. I wasn't expecting much but it was actually a very uplifting experience. Catch it if you can.


13/07/06 - Newport
I think my favourite time of the day is twilight, when the World's finished for another day and everything starts settling down. It's a very peaceful time. The Sun's set but there's still just enough light to see trees silhouetted against a blended technicolour sky. Have a look next time you get a chance. It's all about simple pleasures, remember...?


12/07/06 - Newport
Here's a tricky one to fathom. Imagine if it was your destiny to change your destiny. Does that still make it your destiny to do so...? Is the concept of destiny an all-enveloping theory that commands all others or is it a sole solitary concept that exists as a strand midst an infinite number of parallel universes where other destinies and/or decisions were made...? How do parallel universes work...? If you have an infinite number of parallel universes, does that mean that there are other universes with one less blade of grass and one more tree than others along with universes with orange oceans and green skies...? If I think of a parallel universe that may or may not have existed previously, does it simply pop in and out of existence...? Is it that simple...? My head hurts but I need to find answers. Perhaps I already know and I just need to remind myself.


11/07/06 - Newport
If a spaceship landed and the lifeforms inside offered to show you the most amazing sights in the universe, the only catch being that you could never return to Earth, would you go...? If you did, you'd witness an infinite number of incredible cosmic phenomena, the likes of which had never been seen by human eyes before but you'd have no one like you to tell. If you didn't, you'd stay as you are but you'd be haunted by the fear that you'd made the wrong decision for the rest of your life. Which would be better....? Which would be worse....?


10/07/06 - Newport
Dreams must be influenced by things you see around you. Had a dream that I was working on a lunar colony last night. It was quite nice, I had a jetpack that allowed me to fly to a good height and have a look at the Sea of Tranquility. Everything was very tranquil, appropriately enough. Then all of a sudden, I looked up into the sky and there was a swirling black hole directly overhead, threatening to swallow everything up. I was terrified of being swept up into it so tried to return to the surface as quickly as possible. I landed and grabbed hold of some rocks on the ground, just as everything started rushing and tumbling past me like that bit at the end of 'Aliens' when Ripley opens the airlock. I suppose it must be to do with watching that Stephen Hawking thing. That and sleeping for the best part of 12 hours. That alone gives the unconscious mind loads of time to play silly buggers.


09/07/06 - Newport
I came round on a doormat at the front of the house. Fuck knows how I got there. Apparently people had to step over my deeply unconscious form just to get out. I remained undisturbed and had a surprisingly good lie down session. At times like this there's no hangover, just a soft spongy mass where my brain should be. It's like my mind's gone on holiday. Managed to get back intact and had a lovely doze on the sofa. Woke up and didn't have a clue what was going on. Thought I was involved in WWI style trench warfare at one stage. Very strange.


08/07/06 - Newport
Was lucky enough to be invited to a wonderful event known as 'Soph Fest 2006' this weekend. Mostly involved getting wrecked in a lovely place in the country. All the usual ingredients: Bow, barbecues, jazz and a load of carefree individuals getting hammered. DJ Dave Hovey kindly provided fine choonage while the rest danced into the early hours. The last thing I can remember was settling down in a cosy sleeping bag on the floor. Strangely enough, that wasn't where I woke up.


07/07/06 - Newport
Had another crazy afternoon of internet science and random television today. Managed to catch an amazing Horizon documentary called 'The Hawking Paradox' all about black holes, quantum physics and Man of the Match, Professor Stephen Hawking. Even I managed to understand it. Well, some of it at least.

I've always been fascinated by black holes, ever since watching the Disney film of the same name and crying at the end when the old robot packs up. You'll know what I mean if you've ever seen it. Classic Disney formula: Disrupt equilibrium, set mission/task, make sacrifice to restore equilibrium, ensure any children watching cry at the end. Why did they always make the endings so sad...? Was it to teach children the importance of loss...? To give 6 year olds some idea about their own mortality...? Or was this some shadowy corporate conspiracy to emotionally blackmail youngsters through routinely sacrificing animated characters they'd grown to love in the space of an hour and a half...? Who knows.

Anyway, here are some interesting things I picked up along the course of my afternoon education. Hawking figured loads of stuff out without even being anywhere near a black hole. Some might say he became obsessed with black holes. He'd obviously seen the Disney film of the same name and cried when the robot died too. Some scientist dudes said that Hawking visualizes problems in his head in the same way that Einstein did. Thus loads of mathematical formulae, scribblings, theories, thoughts, concepts and ideas all come together in his head to create a kind of mental hologram. If black holes are invisible then he can't just observe what happens to them through a telescope either but he can use evidence gathered regarding black holes and their influence on nearby objects such as planets, comets and stars. Crazy stuff. Surely too much thinking about cosmic mysteries like this would cause most people's heads to cave in.

Here's a good one. According to recent theories, if an object passes into a black hole, it's matter/data/information is not lost or destroyed merely transformed into another form. However, if a person passes through, they enter states of being where they are both alive and not alive, dead and not dead. This then throws up all sorts of moral, logical and theological questions such as what does it mean to exist...? Do memories, feelings or personalities exist as mere fragments of organic matter...? Does a person consist solely of matter or is there a higher universal frequency that transcends all else...?

There's one theory that states if a person were to pass through a black hole and someone was observing the traveller in real time, the traveller would pass through thinking nothing had happened. The observer however would witness the traveller being vaporised (or passing through a transitional phase). The traveller would find him or herself in a place where the accepted laws of physics no longer applied. For example, if the traveller was transported into two-dimensional space, they would exist with only one side and an infinitesimal edge. Proper mind-bending stuff. I don't know how much of this is true, conceptual, theory-based or otherwise but I scribbled down a few cryptic notes as I was watching the programme. Perhaps none of it is true. Perhaps I dreamt the whole thing. Perhaps you and I have already traversed black holes 15 million times in the time it took you to read this rambling pseudo-scientific account of something I saw on afternoon telly. At least it'll give you something to think about till the next update, eh...?




06/07/06 - Newport
I've been trying out the laptop in different places recently. It's fucking crazy how many unprotected machines you can access in one place. When I installed the USB antenna, it also installed a bundled wireless network detector that actively seeks out open and closed networks. I think my record so far was picking up on 9 open connections. I suppose it's one of those things where people are so happy to have their wireless network problems solved and up and running that they forget about the security implications and possibility of wandering cyber idiots like myself. I'm not a malicious sort when it comes to PC security. I've fucked up enough things myself in the past so for people to do it to each other intentionally seems unthinkable to me. There are those sorts of people out there though so please be careful. If you're wireless, rubber up. Or encrypt your connection. Whichever you think is more effective.


05/07/06 - Newport
Xain has been kind enough to lend me his laptop so I'm able to connect up to the science all over the place now with some help from a Belkin wireless network adaptor that plugs into a spare USB port at the back. I can become one of those annoying bastards in Starbucks that gives people funny looks as they come in then starts frantically tapping away at his keyboard when you turn to give them a funny look of your own. I would do except I don't really like coffee very much. Or big corporations. Or places that attempt to look like an up-market version of Burger King. Apart from that, I'm sure they're very nice but I still wouldn't go there.


04/07/06 - Newport
I know it's sad but they've been repeating the 'Darling Buds of May' in the afternoons recently and I've been tuning in along. The sight of a spritely innocent Catherine Zeta-Jones keeps me going when I'm immersed in internet science. I can remember the same thing happening with 'Lovejoy'. Well, not Lovejoy himself but one of the characters in the series. That was being repeated in the afternoons too and I can recall experiencing thoroughly unsuitable and highly erotically charged dreams concerning one 'Lady Jane Felsham'. Or was it the other one...? I can't remember. Strange how that happens sometimes.


03/07/06 - Newport
Forgot to mention reliving the horror that was 'Ghostwatch' round Adam and Graham the Bear's the other night. Both equally hilarious and terrifying, if that's possible. I can remember watching it the first time it was broadcast and not really understanding what was going on. It started live like a charity telethon with Michael Parkinson in a studio and Sarah Greene presenting from a supposedly haunted council house in London. Weird things start happening, subliminal images keep popping up as the cameras move round the house then all hell breaks loose. Check out Sarah Greene being sucked into a ghostly world under the stairs and Parky possessed by the ghost of Mr. Pipes. Fucking amazing.


02/07/06 - Newport
Burning up today. The heat has hit Newport. Proper tropical vibe. Appropriately enough, I managed to catch Hollywood's 1957 interpretation of JM Barrie's 'The Admirable Crichton' on Channel 4 at about 3am (when everything had just about cooled down, both inside and out). It's a delightful story about a dedicated butler who gets stranded on a desert island with his former master and the rest of his family. They soon understand that Crichton, the butler, is the only one skilled and resourceful enough to keep them alive. As a result of this, the whole previously accepted social structure is turned on its head and Crichton creates a Flintstones-style utopian paradise complete with straw shacks, working showers and a gramaphone made out of a large conch shell. It was released as 'Paradise Lagoon' in the States and was also where Red Dwarf's 'Kryten' gets his name from. Brilliant. Good work last of the Silver Screensters.




01/07/06 - Newport
It's getting hotter and as such demand for barbecue resources is at an all-time high. Trolley-rage incidents in supermarkets up and down the country are on the increase as people wrestle over bumper bargain packs of baps, charcoal, firelighters and organic ketchup. Adam invited us over to sample his meat-based, flame-grilled food delights as cooked by Big G. Here are a just a few pictures depicting the lovely day we enjoyed....still unsure as to what GtB was up to but he was entertaining nevertheless....



Inevitably, carnage ensued as we patiently waited for the meat to be expertly prepared. Drinking, waiting for food and barbecues are inextricably linked. Eggs enjoyed gulping wine from a bubbled half-pint glass and began dancing round the garden. Danny Draw (whose company we enjoyed in South Africa) made a welcome appearance to join in the fun and games too. Try and work out who he is in the pictures below....



For me, the concept of a Great British Summer always conjured up images of deckchairs, Flake 99s, hankerchiefs on heads and donkeys on a beach. Now it seems that this has been transformed into getting wrecked in a back garden with your mates and enjoying barbecued munch. Long may it last.


30/06/06 - Newport
Here's a quick reminder from our man 'Ninja Billy' to send in your 'Shirt Ninja' snaps to compete in the 'Shirt Ninja Hall of Fame' (see 19/06/06). Instructions to assemble your equipment are here. Send in the finished snap to shirtninjahalloffame@hotmail.com. Enjoy.




29/06/06 - Newport
Slept in till 2.30pm. Proper aching today. Kickstarted the 'Get In Nice' session to calm things down nicely.


28/06/06 - Newport/York/Newport
Up at 8am. Strapped myself into the space pod aboard the Mothership, initiated 'Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy' and soon dropped off. Woke up when the bus stopped moving and had a look out of the window. Judging by the crenellated walls outside, we had to be in the middle of York. We'd stopped by the train station in order to pick up Eggs, Xain, Ballsy and Maggot who'd been down in London doing press stuff. Once we had the full crew aboard, we set off to York Racecourse where the York University Summer Ball was to be held.

Proper posh place. We were shown to our dressing room which was a VIP box with a balcony and stuff. Here's Adam keeping an eye on the races with his patented 'Finger-Noculars' while Maggot pays homage to one of his all-time heroes....



Managed to have a go on the Dodgems and Waltzers downstairs. Amazing. Forgotten just how much fun fairground rides actually are. It's worth reminding yourself once in a while. Waltzers made me feel proper sick though. We devised more football-based games to be played in the dressing room to keep morale up. 'Pass & Move' involves...erm...passing and moving, whereas 'Keep the Ball' involves...well...keeping the ball while others attempt to tackle you. There then followed an interesting round of 'Fouling Tackles' followed by 'Kick the Ball at Inanimate Objects/People Coming Into the Room'. All games are designed to keep the players active and ready for action. We had a surprise meeting with Patrick Harvey aka Connor O'Neill aka Irish Fella from Neighbours. He seemed in an excitable mood and wowed the student crowd with some impromptu beatboxing before we went on.

Managed to hook up with my very good friend Big Northern G who I hadn't seen for years. He enjoyed himself, got hammered and had a great time at the show. Lovely to see him. Afterwards, I had a quick shower, got my shit together, said goodbye to the Northern Gster then jumped on the bus. Arrived in Newport about 5 or 6 hours later I think. It was about 9.30am or thereabouts anyway. Getting back to bed was of prime importance.


27/06/06 - Gower/Swansea/Newport
Sunshine today. Extremely hungover. Hattsy lost his car keys somewhere last night but he assured us they were somewhere in the tent. We moved all the stuff out and started packing up. No sign of them. We dismantled the tent to check underneath that to no avail. Found a dormouse that'd been living with us though, he was nice but even he didn't know where the keys were. Said he hadn't seen them but thanked us for the shelter and scurried off. Hattsy was going off to report his loss to the campsite people so I said I'd give him a lift, put my hand in my pocket and pulled out his car keys to the groans of all present. I did say I was hungover. We've both got the same fluorescent strap on our keys to aid you if you lose them on the ground but it doesn't really help if they're in someone else's pocket.

Stopped for some munch in Swansea on the way back. Fuckin horrible food. Was thoroughly relieved to be back at my house when I arrived. Extremely knackered but also strangely refreshed. Tired but happy and looking forward to a long lie down. Off to York tomorrow.


26/06/06 - Gower
Woke up at 10.30am to laughter and shouting in the tent. Then I heard an unmistakeable pitter-patter sound on the canvas outside. Rain. Checked with the boys, it'd been raining all day. Well, that's the price to pay with camping. Had a shower up at the bathroom block and enjoyed some breakfast in the on-site cafe. Drove back to the tent and performed an amazing handbrake turn on the wet grass as encourgaed by the others. The car slid sideways down the field, then span round beautifully and began sliding backwards. Wicked.

We put some music on, had a couple of cans then all decided to have an afternoon nap. Proper cosy with the rain still falling outside. Woke up to the arrival of Hattsy and Billy who'd decided to join us on our adventures. Here we are enjoying ourselves in the tent....



Drinking continued until we decided to try to test our collective psychic prowess with a pack of cards. I suspect there may have been a fatal flaw in our methodology but we finally concluded we were all 50% psychic or something like that. Suitably inebriated, we decided to walk in the rain to the nearest pub for good munch. Lovely stuff. Had a delightful vegetable lasagne that boosted my spirits no end. Had a good few more drinks and games of drunken pool. Later on, GtB and Hattsy entertained both us and the locals with a delightful Beatles medley. You too can witness their muscial delights via the gift of Quicktime....



It was still raining outside but thankfully some lovely locals decided to give us a lift back to the campsite out of the goodness of their hearts. It's quite likely that without their valuable assistance, some of us wouldn't have made it back at all.


25/06/06 - Newport/Gower
I've had enough of Newport for now, it's time for a break. Adam suggested going off camping for a few days and we know just the place. There's a stretch of land on the South Coast of Wales called the Gower Peninsula. It's like being in a different country. Beautiful countryside, rolling hills, sandy dunes and beaches that stretch on for miles. Amazing sunset country. That's where we were headed.

After grabbing the necessary equipment and stocking up on essentials, we set off on our merry way. Wasn't long before we ran into trouble. There'd been some massive pile-up on the motorway so part of it was shut off with diversions, tailbacks and a great deal of frustration. Just hoped the people involved in the accident were all right. Stuck in traffic for a good couple of hours until we managed to get a map and worked out an alternative route. Employing secret knowledge to get us through Swansea, my luck ran out and I took us on a wrong turn that got us to the sea but on the wrong side of the hill. The map indicated country roads and tractor routes to get where we wanted to go so we decided to take one of those. We encountered proper crazy roads with space for only one vehicle travelling in one direction so we hoped and prayed we wouldn't fly headlong into a tractor, trailer, herd of sheep or miscellaneous farming hazards. Before long, I was spotting familiar landmarks and knew we'd be there soon. Heading on up over the hills, we saw the sun reflecting off a glorious ocean below so wound the windows down and beeped and waved at the other car with feverish excitement. Against all odds, we'd finally arrived.

Tents are a fantastic means of temporary shelter outside. Big G had decided to bring a big old bastard 9-berth tent with 3 bedrooms and a central 'living room' area. Only problem was, he'd lost the instructions and forgotten how to get the thing up. Cue lots of wandering round, experimenting with poles, swearing, scratching of heads, drinking of booze, puzzlement and then a breakthrough when Adam realised how the poles were attached to the tent. Just in time too. Here are pictures of the finished product along Graham the Bear attempting to communicate with other-worldly craft in the middle of some kind of crop circle....



With all that hard work out of the way, it was time to circle the wagons and get suitably hammered. Myself, Adam, Big G and GtB were suddenly overcome with what we refer to as 'Primal Man Outdoors Overcome With Natural Euphoria' syndrome, symptoms of which include sudden bouts of unexplainable excitement, yelping with delight and a desire to get horribly drunk. Here we are doing just that....



The sky had started changing and the sun was on its way to setting so we decided to get some supplies together and head off down to the beach. Here is some more pictorial documentation for you to feast your eyes upon....



Rediscovering our primal sides and getting back to our roots, Adam decided to have a go at making a fire. Here's how he got on - feel the power of the Quicktime madness....



Once the sun had descended down through incredible technicolour shades of sky,we headed back to the tent for a spot of munch. It was probably around 9.45pm when we lit the barbecue, think we may have been eating about an hour later. Had a few more drinks, grabbed the clockwork radio, a torch, a shit load of wood and set off into the dunes. There's nothing quite like a big fire outside. It's dirty, dangerous and you come back stinking of smoke but the feeling you get sat round a fire underneath the stars with the sea roaring in the background's something else. Fired up the iPod/iTrip and we sat round listening to KLF's 'Chill Out' whilst toasting marshmallows on the open flames. After all the stress, hard work and driving fatigue, I'm happy to say it was more than worth it in the end.


24/06/06 - Newport
I've been rediscovering the joys of stretching recently. Perhaps it's down to me sat in front of the computer and a basic need to realign everything again but stretching really makes things better. It's like resetting your system. All animals stretch. We need to as well. Doesn't have to be any special time for it. Why not try having a proper stretch now...? It's very good, makes you feel a bit more alert.


23/06/06 - Newport
Caught Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing in another legendary Amicus release, 'The House That Dripped Blood' today. Quality campy style 70's horror. Along the lines of 'Dr. Terror's House of Horrors' and my all-time favourite 'Vault of Horror', this is a series of short stories that all have a common thread with 'Tales of the Unexpected' style twists in the end. It's not genre-breaking, it's not blockbuster material, it's just good common or garden fun with a load of crazy 70's shit going on. Look out for it, it'll probably be on again at Christmas when you come in drunk from the pub or something. That or cheap DVD.




22/06/06 - Newport
Nothing's built to last anymore. You may have heard me say it before but it's so true. As long as I've been alive, we've always lived in a society of consumers where products are purchased, used up till the product no longer satisfies a need and is then replaced with either the same thing or something else. How then do companies encourage people to buy, consume and replace at a greater rate...? Simple. Create things that accomplish more but have a worryingly short lifespan. However, the light that burns twice as bright doesn't always have to burn half as long. If it was constructed with longevity and value for money in mind, it might last the distance. You'll have to remember though, concepts like 'building things to last' do tend to get in the way of making more and more money so don't expect that to be such an important company priority anytime soon.


21/06/06 - Newport
For fuck's sake. I might have a fresh head but my previously stable home network has now fallen to pieces. It's not picking up the network signal anymore. I readjusted the network adaptor but still no joy. I swapped USB ports but then the machine didn't recognise the device. So I uninstalled the bastard, reinstalled, got back to where I was, had a look at the router itself and realised the ADSL lead had dropped out the back. Bloody rubbish. A good 3 hours of my life spent working on a stupid problem of my own devising.


20/06/06 - Newport
I've positioned my bed so I'm always sleeping next to an open window in my bedroom. It's great. I always used to sleep with my windows open but I've never had my bed right next to the window before. I wake up with my head feeling proper fresh. See..? It's all about the simple pleasures. It's amazing to think how so many small changes you make in your life can make such a big difference. See what small changes you can make to make your life better.


19/06/06 - Newport
I've had an idea. Following on from the success of my 'Shirt Ninja' outfit, have a go yourselves and send it in to me at shirtninjahalloffame@hotmail.com. Try and make them as authentic as possible - perhaps holding a homemade sword, posing in front of the rising sun or just looking particularly menacing. Get them down and send them in. Add yourselves a particularly cool ninja name and I'll get them all up on a soon-to-be-constructed 'Shirt Ninja Hall of Fame'. I'm sure you've all got the creativity, technology and time on your hands to get this shit together, so get going. Your virtual dojo needs you. Come brave Shirt Ninjas. Your time is now - now make yourselves known....! HAAAAAAAAIIIII!


18/06/06 - Newport
Found the following picture on my phone today. Apparently it was taken at about 3.45am which may give some clue as to why I was taking pictures of myself wearing a homemade ninja mask in my bathroom. Instructions on constructing said mask were found on an ancient manuscript entitled 'Shirt Ninja' that seemed to have been stored on my hard drive for some time. Unlike most things that float around on the net or most things read, seen or heard online, I decided to have a go at this one myself for a change and the results, I must say, look rather intimidating. Why not have a go yourselves...? You never know when it could come in handy.




17/06/06 - Escape in the Park, Swansea/Newport
Ooooh, big rave in a massive garden today. Lovely stuff. Had a wander round to the dressing room which was Portakabin shaped next to the backstage toilets. At least we could make new friends as they came to visit. Went on an adventure outside with Adam who was after a pair of cheap sunglasses....


Big ups to Clartmaster and his missus who we bumped into outside the top tent. I'm happy to announce that we'd managed to scrape together a full contingent for tonight's performance and were joined by none other than MC Flatpress and Rosco P Coltrane. All set for a crazy one now. Had another wander round with some of the other boys to see what the crowds were up to....


Unhappy with the lack of energy of the crowd in front of the Radio 1 stage, I decided to stir things up a bit. Hold tight for another bout of Quicktime madness....


At some stage during the day, Graham the Bear emerged from the Gents in full festival fever as these pictures show.....


I know how he feels. You haven't witnessed the true fury of a festival till you're in a toilet with everything around you reverberating at different frequencies to the bass outside. Most excellent.

Showtime rolled round and we were ready, clad in pristine hi-viz attire with an attitude to match the luminescence of our reflective strips. It was a crazy stage setup like a doughnut shape with spotlights and big metal girders all over the place. I was a bit concerned about how a dance crowd would receive us after a near 12 hours of relentless beats but I needn't have worried. If anything, it gave us something extra to prove to both them and ourselves.

As we were packing up our stuff from the dressing room, I spotted Tim Westwood coming out of the toilets. Went to shake his hand but he told me, "Yo, my hands they is wet now innit".
I shook the Big Dog's hand anyway.


16/06/06 - Newport/Hatfield/Swansea
Imagine starting your day with a free doughnut whilst being entertained by a crazy dude beatboxing behind his doughnut stall. That's how I started my day. No hang on, that's not right. I was asleep, woke up, drove over to the bus, got proper excited about personal DVD screens in the bunks then went straight back to sleep. Behold the glory of the ultimate Space Pod aboard the Mothership....


I woke up at the services where Adam wanted photographic footage of the Reading East Services Area General Manager's amazing head then went back to bed again for a proper sleep where I woke up in Hatfield. That's where I had a doughnut for breakfast. It's no wonder I get so confused what with waking up and going back to sleep again so many times in one day. Anyway, here are Adam's lovely pictures....


We initiated a Circle of Death and enjoyed a spot of Skateboard College throughout the day. Turned out to be a student bash for Hertfordshire University today. The Ball itself seemed to be spread out over two massive car parks stuck together. Apparently security discovered five young student scamps had broken into the dressing room while we were on stage. They hadn't nicked anything, they were just after beer. Loads of security kept running in and out of the dressing room shortly followed by the local constabulary. I offered them some Strongbows to keep them fresh but they politely declined. Big shout outs to Treacle Slits, Kerryclart and Matching Metal Socks who came to say hello looking resplendent in their ballgowns (the ladies, not MMS although I'm not saying he wouldn't look good in a dress...erm hang on...for fuck's sake, you know what I mean).

Had a bit of a sketch with the showers as there was no hot water left so had to jump in a car and be driven to a nearby hotel to use the day room there. Driving through the Ball was like watching a 3-D zombie film unfold before your very eyes. Well-dressed zombies admittedly but zombies nonetheless. We've all been there, staggering round with lifeless eyes with only the most primal urges keeping you going. Found the hotel, completed shower mission in record time then headed back through Zombieville to the safety and security of the Mothership. Escape in the Park tomorrow. Let's round today off nicely with a lovely picture of our resident scientists, Chris Bou-Chelle and Dr. Cum....




15/06/06 - Newport
Picked up a portable DVD player for £30 the other day. It's a cool little gadget with a remote and a case and all the leads you could ever need. Only thing is it won't play Region 1 DVDs, so I had a look around to see what could be done to fix it. I've managed to hack DVD equipment previously with a bit of patience. Apparently it's not illegal as you're only accessing services already built into the machine. I'd imagine someone just sets the DVD player to the relevant region once it's shipped over. Managed to get the codes I needed from DVD Reviewer. Some proper secret knowledge involved including opening the lid, typing in a code on the remote and waiting for a 'Region Full' message to appear. Magic!


14/06/06 - Newport
Popped round to Xain's for barbecue fun and games. Had to do a practice of some of the older tunes we haven't done live for ages just to keep us ahead of the game. The set can change at any given time and as such, we need to be ready for it. Like Ghostbusters but without the ghosts.


13/06/06 - Newport
Ah, the pleasures of home networking. I've been having a few problems with 128-bit encyption levels but seem to have it all sorted now. This wireless networking business is bonkers. It always amazes me to think that some people run wireless routers with no means of preventing other people accessing their machines. Eggs has been round with his laptop to see what happens if he tries to piggyback my connection and it prompted him for the access code. He said he felt like Matthew Broderick in 'Wargames'.


12/06/06 - Newport
The best TV channel I ever came across was when visiting friends in Glamorgan. I've no idea what it was called but it featured satellite footage of the Earth with ambient music playing in the background. Sounds simple but that was the beauty of it, you'd try to work out which part of the Earth you were looking at, argue over it for a while then get distracted and talk about something else. It was amazing to look down on the planet at night time as you could pick out pockets of civilization from the densely packed street lights glittering below. I'm sure I actually thought I was orbiting the Earth at some stages, spinning silently through space, gazing fondly upon the Earth.


11/06/06 - Newport
Recovery Session in full effect today. May have overdone things a little yesterday. Watched 'Crocodile Dundee II' in the afternoon. Afternoon films are perfect when you need time to chill. Popped over to Big G's for a meat feast barbecue-based extravaganza. Adam Hussain provided us with his speciality homemade satay sauce. Amazin stuff. Watched the footage from the Soccer Sixes in the evening, fuckin hilarious. They even had proper commentary over the top to add to the atmosphere although the overall effect was similar to 'It's A Knockout' as opposed to 'Match of the Day'.


10/06/06 - Newport/Coventry/Newport
Travelled to Coventry for a Summer Ball for Birmingham Uni. Can't remember that much about it although the following short film was created during this time. A few Bows may well have been quaffed. You might need Quicktime to view this crazy stuff.




09/06/06 - Newport
Hooked up with a lovely lady called Jo today who we met our travels. She's off to the States soon so decided to witness Newport Carnage first-hand before setting off on her merry way across the pond. We headed down to a local Port-based boozer with Big G and his mate before heading off to join Graham the Bear at the Bassment. These are the kinds of things that happened.....


Truly Newport Carnage was indeed the order of the day.


08/06/06 - Newport
After moving all my stuff in, I've still got to find places for things to go so I don't forget where everything is. One of my pet hates is losing things for no apparent reason. Just putting stuff down and walking off or leaving things lying around seems to happen quite often. I think I'm easily distracted or just have a low attention span. Then there's all the additional grief of trying to locate the same items again, working out when you last saw them and even going as far as tapping into the subconscious and figuring out what I might have done with them. Playing out hypothetical scenarios is an important part of locating randon objects left 'on the side'.


07/06/06 - Newport
Moved rest of my stuff into the new place today. It's good to know it's all done. Watched a programme called 'Dangerman: Adventures with Geoff Mackley'. The bloke's off his head. He goes around chasing storms and wants to be the first person to film inside the eye of a cyclone. To this end, he built a stormchasing truck out of an old police van and several tons of sheet steel. It's the exactly the kind of thing I can see Hattsy doing when he's older. Brilliant.


06/06/06 - Newport
Still no broadband. Bloody rubbish. I've tried to explain the importance in updating the Musings to them but they just don't seem to understand. They're full of apologies and ready to explain at great length what's gone wrong but seem wholly unwilling to do anything to resolve it. Fuck knows when I'll be able to get back online. How hard can it be....?


05/06/06 - Newport
Fuck me. And I thought I was into cider. I'd like to think that this random picture depicts the first of a new breed of alcoholic superhero who helps out those who find themselves without booze. It probably isn't but fair play to him anyway. He knows what he likes.




04/06/06 - Newport
Not very happy today. Had to move all my PC gear to the new place today only to find that the broadband connection still isn't working. It's my own fault really, I shouldn't have trusted what the ISP in question told me. I should have taken it upon myself to check the connection first before moving all my stuff down. There was also the case of dealing with a worrying rattling sound coming from the tower so I cracked it open to find an unidentified piece of metal that had decided to drop off something somewhere. After placing it over various things and trying to work out where it fitted (technical jigsaw style), I figured out it might be a heatsink for one of the circuits on the motherboard. Pissed off but still feeling resourceful, I managed to secure it back over the board with a piece of Blu-Tak that I still hope is sufficiently heat-resistant. If not, I may be in trouble. Nothing's fucking built to last anymore.


03/06/06 - Newport
Adam and Graham the Bear drove over to Liverpool today to do a late night DJ set at a club called Magnet. Touted as '2 Pissheads and a Microphone', they had high hopes for the gig and, I'm happy to report, weren't disappointed. The lovely Melissa was the lady in charge of organising the potentially unorganisable duo and got them both warmed up and hammered throughout the day as this picture shows.


Apparently, at one stage during the night, Adam managed to rap over the top of Booker T and the MG's classic 'Soul Limbo'. Once again, you can recreate the scene in your mind simply by clicking below.....




02/06/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Headed down to Llandaff with the rest of the boys to record a single review show today. Good laugh had by all. We even managed to slip in an offering from a little known artist by the name of 'Andy Ayia Napa'. He's pretty big across Europe right now.

It's nice in the Summertime. Natural fragrances such as rain on grass or sunlight on dead leaves always tends to take me back to happy times of playing in the woods. These were long, endless, carefree Summers where you had to rely solely on your own imagination to make new games to entertain you and your friends (erm....very much like today then). Building dens was always a popular pastime. Climbing trees was good to build confidence and develop good hand-to-eye co-ordination. Skateboarding was cool but skating down hills was better (apart from explaining inevitable grass stains). Burning stuff was good but I'd never let it get out of hand. One great game involved large cardboard boxes, a steep hill and a group of adventurous mates. You could either flatten the box out and slide down the slope like a raft or (and this was my favourite) get inside the box and get your mates to push you down the hill. Repeat this process until:
a). The box falls apart and you have to find another.
b). One of the party is sick.
c). It's time to go home for your tea.
Top stuff.


01/06/06 - Newport
God bless S4C. They're repeating 'Bring Back the A-Team' with Justin Lee Collins which I can pick up from the new place. Fucking brilliant. Imagine my astonishment when I spotted Dirk Benedict (aka 'Faceman') enjoying his breakfast in the exact corner of a hotel rooftop that we got drunk and enjoyed ourselves on when we were in LA. To this day, Hattsy stil considers 'Le Parc Suites' his favourite ever hotel. They have amazing apartment-style rooms that make it more like a luxury holiday home than a hotel. Think this was also the place that Ozzy Osbourne got mashed up at when he was kicked out of his band.

Just had a quick search around and it turns out some resourceful soul has managed to upload this same brilliant program on YouTube. For your comfort and convenience, I'll link it all right here - but be quick, it probably won't be there for long.....

'Bring Back the A-Team' with Justin 'Good Times' Lee Collins
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6
Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12


31/05/06 - Newport
Spotted some hilarious slogans daubed on the sides of walls in town recently. One of my favourites was something like, "Never work - Full enjoyment!". Me and Eggs popped up to see Adam and Graham. Had a wander up to the shop to get some 'Space Raiders'.


I'm happy to report, they're still 10p, you still get more than 5 in a packet and they still taste as cheap and honest as ever. Good to see that some things haven't changed. Unlike Mars bars that are smaller, Marathons changing to Snickers (why? what a stupid name) and Wham bars that are still 10p but are now much smaller without the 'flavour crystals' on which were the whole damn point, dammit. Why not make them bigger, put the crystals back on and charge more...? Wagon wheels were always much bigger in the good old days too, hence the term 'wagon wheel' as in 'fuck me, that's a large extravagant chocolate-coated biscuit, it's as big as a....'. 'Pram Wheel' doesn't really have the same ring to it. 'JCB Tyres' would be a good name for oversize wine gums. They'd have a black and yellow striped design on the side of the packet. Perhaps I missed my calling as a sweets marketing executive.

Whatever happened to 'hundreds and thousands'...? They were amazing. I think they had to tame the colourings and E nunbers down in the end cos too many kids were having bouts of super hyperactivity. I can remember weird little ball bearings on cakes too that made your teeth go proper weird. You don't get them any more. It was a bit like eating tinfoil. I can remember when ET came out, you could get 'ET Alien Biscuits' down Pill market on a Staurday afternoon. They were wrapped in foil like spaceman food and came with free stickers or cards or something. The amazing thing was, they were quite obviously custard creams with shitloads of food dye and flavourings added. They hadn't even bothered to remove the bit that said 'custard cream' on the side. Me and Mart pH Balanced had these and went fuckin crazy. I thought I could fly and Mart started looking proper grey, same colour as ET when he falls in the lake. Perhaps they were alien biscuits.


30/05/06 - Newport
Still moving even more stuff out. Watched 'Day of the Triffids' from the 80's with Martin pH Balanced, his missus Stacey and Hywel (King Vampire). Truly fuckin amazing. It only cost me £3 secondhand too. You can see where loads of the ideas for '28 Days Later' came from. I can remember being truly terrified watching this as a kid. It was the sound that the triffids made. Witness the carnage when triffids attack.


29/05/06 - Newport
Bank holiday Monday today. Settled down with some toast and tea to 'The Sound of Music'. I'd never seen it before. Can honestly say, I quite enjoyed it. It's always good to have a bit of feelgood movie action on an otherwise slow bank holiday afternoon. Don't mind admitting I had a lump in my throat when they did a runner from the Nazis over the mountains. Then had a bit of 'Ghostbusters II'. I can remember going to see it at the cinema in Newport, getting confused with the theatre numbers and watching 'Back to the Future: Part II' instead that was out at the same time. I enjoyed it (especially the flying skateboards within a crazy futuristic society) but had wanted Ghostbusters. Like Mick Jagger said, "You can't always get what you want/But you find sometimes/You get what you need". Well done Mick. He's obviously seen 'Ghostbusters II' and thought it was shit.


28/05/06 - Newport
Woke up feeling proper spaced out. To my delight, Channel 5 was showing re-runs of a weird Australian kids TV series popular in the 90's called 'Round the Twist'. Fuckin great. I can remember watching the same episode on a random day during long, hot Summer holidays. If you've ever seen it, you should remember the 'so crap it's proper catchy' theme tume right off.


27/05/06 - Newport
Full Ponty today. We saw Huw Stephens as soon as we got there. Lovely chap. He made a documentary with us not so long ago, end result was amazing. Loads of people saw it and were impressed with how good it looked (and in turn, made us look). One person reputedly reported, "It was wicked, they looked like a proper band". Said hello to the Automatic boys and the chaps from the Delays. All good lads. Both gave amazing live sets. Saw dudes from Feeder too. Our dressing room was a place of calm and relaxation. We didn't have a stereo to chill to so I had to play the soothing sounds of the Bladerunner soundtrack from my phone. Seemed to work quite well. Witness the calming effects it had on various members of the band.....

   

We made friends with some of the kids from the Feeder camp. Eggs had told them to form a band called 'Faceslasher'. I told them it was a rubbish name, not to listen to him and form a hip-hop collective called 'Alien Abduction' instead. Soon enough they'd put a rap together and made a sign that read 'Alien Objection' and hung it outside their caravan. Truly inspired. Spotting our hi-viz, they too decided to don high-quality safetywear and came on for 'Penis' at the end of the set. Here are a few highlights, courtesy of our man Gandee. Check out what we've now come to refer to as the 'Tron Effect'.....

       
     

Big ups to Lynsey, lovely lady who looks good in Roo wrestling boots that still have a secret draw compartment. The plan was to 'Carry On Drinking' in a Sid James and Babs Windsor stylee when we got back to the Port. I walked home, sat down for a bit and passed out watching 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers' with Donald Sutherland and Jeff Goldblum. It's a good thing my brother Martin pH Balanced was there with his missus or I would have had to suffer both the embarassment and misfortune of pouring a can of Strongbow on my crotch.


26/05/06 - Newport
Watched 'The Truman Show' today. I'm sure that everyone's had that 'being watched' feeling and asked themselves the same questions that inevitably follow. 'What's it all about?' and 'Why am I here?' or just simply, 'Why?'. Old Bill Shakespeare wrote that, "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players". How right he was. It's all a game. We're all players. We're all winners. We're all losers. It's like snakes and ladders. Some you win, some you lose. Perhaps it's just an appealing concept because life seems to make a bit more sense when viewed in this simple way - essentially you're attempting to understand, comprehend and explain the unexplainable.

Think I might need a Bow to focus and concentrate on this one. I'll get back to you when I've got a few more answers.

"A medieval missionary tells that he has found the point where heaven and Earth meet..."


25/05/06 - Newport
Made some more friends in New Delhi today. Been transferred any number of times through various departments and automated dialling systems. Think I must have listened to about 5 different types of hold music too. The psychology behind hold music is a puzzling thing. It seems that people can't make their minds up as to whether it should entertain you while you're waiting or calm you down if you're in a bad mood. That's why it'll normally be somewhere in between.

I seem to recall listening to various crap tunes, renditions of Greensleeves and songs off Air's 'Moon Safari' too, though that would really spoil the album for me if I listened to that on hold all day. Harpsichords seemed a popular choice, as did pan pipes. I've often wondered what Axel F or Crockett's Theme would sound like on pan pipes. That'd make good hold music.


24/05/06 - Newport
Been trying to sort out broadband in the new gaff. Been bit of a nightmare so far. For those interested in such things, there's no DSL signal coming from the exchange, ie. not my fault or anything to do with my pc. I don't really understand too much about it all but enough to know what's going on.

Spoke to a guy called Deepak in a technical call centre in New Delhi. I told him he had a cool name and that it sounded a bit like Tupac. He didn't know who I was talking about. He was very polite but explained he was unable to deviate from a specific call script to discuss what the problem might be. Not to worry, he says, I'll be getting a callback sometime soon to find out what's going on. I've heard that one before.


23/05/06 - Newport
One of the secrets of enjoying life are 'simple pleasures'. Uncomplicated, hassle free and relaxing. Sunsets. Waterfalls. Rainbows. Playing Shithead with friends and enjoying some drinks. It's a classic card game that people always played during wet lunchtimes at school. For those of you who want to play, this is the established Newport variation that I was taught (though, this is subject to change according to region, school, year or class).

2 - Restart from 2. Can be played at any time.
3 - Invisible card. Can be played at any time.
7 - When shown to any player, they have to pick up all the cards unless they themselves have a seven, in which case this bounces back to the original player. This continues for as many sevens that are in play or willing to be played. Can be played at any time.
8 - Next person misses a go. Multiple eights cause multiple players to miss goes.
9 - Changes direction. Multiple nines can be played to change direction and then revert back to the original direction again. Eg. One nine changes direction. Two nines change direction but then revert back to the original direction again. Three nines change direction, revert back but then change again and so on.
10 - Kills the pack. Can be played at any time.

All other cards played as normal. If 4 of the same cards are played at any one time, these act in the same way as a ten and are removed from play. Person with four of clubs always starts. If not in play, person with nearest equivalent begins. Cards are normally dealt 4 down, 4 face up and 3 down to each player but can be adjusted accordingly for however many people are playing.

If you don't know get to know. This is one of the best ways of sorting out domestic disputes including but not limited to: washing up, making tea, washing the toilet, going down the shops, etc.


22/05/06 - Newport
I only played for a combined time of 5 minutes yet I'm aching like a bastard today. Must have been that fall. Made up for this by lying in bed for a long time.


21/05/06 - London/Newport
Arrived at West Ham's football ground today for the next Soccer Six tournament. It had been raining all day and I'd been called up for the team as most of our best players had been injured last weekend. They must have been desperate then. Bearing in mind I didn't have any football boots or socks (only Hi-Tec Silver Shadows), I tried to prepare myself for the inevitable onset of sliding round on wet grass and mud. My preparation simply wasn't good enough. In one match, I flew gracefully arse over tit to land on my back in true comedy style. I was called off shortly after to prevent me doing any more damage to myself or anyone else. Probably for the best, I'd say.

We played against Dirty Pretty Things, The Modern and assorted DJs and radio dudes including Brandon Block and Alex P. In an exciting climax, Team GLC went through to the semi-finals and lost on penalties with our man Billy Webb looking every bit the part in goal. Another lovely time had by all. Big ups to Gandee and Josh for coming along and keeping our spirits up. Good times...!

Watched Garth Marenghi's 'Darkplace' on the way back. Fuckin amazing. I'd heard of it but never seen it. Top shit. The DVD's finally out on July 3rd, apparently. Look out for it.


20/05/06 - Newport/Roehamption/London
Eggs was still drunk when I picked him up today. He was staggering round, having trouble putting his bag in the boot and suffering from an acute lack of spatial awareness.

Off to Roehampton Uni for a show today. I got on board the bus quietly, claimed a lovely bunk and got in nice. This bus had triple berth bunks but compensated for that by having windows to watch the world fly by. Proper space capsule style on this, the Mothership. I had a lovely time relaxing listening to the original radio show of 'The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy' on the old iPod. Real nice.

I was sound asleep by the time we arrived and felt thoroughly refreshed upon waking. Had a wander to the dressing roon (aka the 'holding tank') to see what was going on. Stan, our monitor engineer had snipped an extension lead to create a makeshift aerial for the classic style wooden TV on wheels. Surprisingly, it worked very well. We witnessed 'Fathers 4 Justice' protesters disrupting the National Lottery. I love it when things like this happen on live television. Eamonn Holmes was the first off set I noticed, not bothering to check if his female co-presenter was in any form of danger at the time. Scum.

Then of course, time for mighty Eurovision. Word on the street was that UK entry Daz Sampson had proper competition in the form of Finland's Lordi, a cross between GWAR and Slipknot. For those of you haven't witnessed this amazing live act - behold! Pyrotechnics, mechanical bat wings and hilarious accents - how could they not win....? After witnessing the victory of Lordi over Eurovision, it was time to get our shit together and warm up for our own brand of party vibe. Show went really well again. Big ups to two lovely dance students I met afterwards - Grace and Louisa, knows you knows. Carried on drinking, chatting, laughing and swearing till 4am then it was time to dock with the Mothership. Activated automatic docking computer and left the rest to chance.


19/05/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Eggy and Billy organised a mass piss-up in Cardiff tonight to celebrate all of our birthdays going off. Headed down the Murenger to gather everyone together then got the train to Cardiff. It was like 'The Warriors' all over again, a massive group of us travelling without paying then wandering through the rain-soaked streets of Cardiff. We headed to a crazy little attic bar to start drinking, had a few then made for the Buffalo Bar.

It's one of those places that's been around for ages and changed its name several times. I remember it as 'Amigos'. We spent a New Year's Eve up here and all the staff fucked off apart from one distraught barmaid who announced it was her first day and as all other staff had left her, customers should help themselves. Needless to say, we took her up on her generous offer, gave her twenty quid between us then filled our boots. Brilliant.

Xain turned up with bottles of vodka for us so that took the party vibe to the next level. Big ups to Super Mario Dave who represents the Deepest of House Scenes. All plans regarding getting the last train home had gone well out the window. Eventually, we gathered an advance party together to get back to the Port. Now comes the tricky bit. You need to find an unbooked taxi, find out if they'll take you to Newport then agree on a fee. For a journey lasting the best part of 15 minutes, ours cost £45. Bloody rubbish but of course, there's nothing else we could do.


18/05/06 - Newport
Another workshop session. Lost count of the number of tracks we've worked on now. That's always a good sign. Can't wait to get em out in the public domain.

Spent the first night in my new pad tonight. Hywel (King Vampire) popped down for a few beers. Was hoping to catch Justin Lee Collins on Channel 4 for 'Bring Back the A-Team' but my TV reception's fucked. Bollocks. Just have to wait for it on S4C.


17/05/06 - Newport
More workshopping. Had nothing but bad experiences with technology today. It happens sometimes. Normally, I'll sit down, think things through and treat it as a challenge. Tried getting some pictures and video footage off Eggy's old Nokia phone. Installed some bloody 'mediasuite' software that reconfigured everything else I'd installed for my Motorola phone. Didn't fucking work anyway. Then we tried compressing, converting and uploading some other video footage to no avail. For fuck's sake.


16/05/06 - Newport
Had a mini workshop today and kicked some more ideas around.


15/05/06 - Newport
Hattsy's birthday today so we had a little gathering. I bought 8 Strongbows over (8 for a fiver see) and may well have had them all. I can't really remember. We had a lovely time chatting and then tuned into 'Big Trouble in Little China', one of my all time favourite movies ever.


Wicked. At some stage Hattsy had to call Dragon Taxis on my behalf as I couldn't speak properly without slurring and/or laughing. Never takes too long with Dragon. After performing a quick check of the brake lights at the taxi driver's request, I disappeared into the night.


14/05/06 - Birmingham/Newport
Today was the Soccer Sixes Charity World Cup Tournament. Saw all sorts. First to play us were Jimmy Carr's team (North Korea) made up of Britain's tallest man, a chap who played an Ewok in Return of the Jedi (ie. not very tall), an unidentified old dude, a robot, Rik Waller in goal and the delightful Lauren Harries (who used to be James Harries aka 'Antiques Kid' aka 'Teeksy'). Here are some lovely pictures of Teeks. She is just so hot right now.

         

For photpgraphic documentation of the day in hand, have a look here under 'GLC reprazentin Wales at the Soccer Sixes'. We met friend of the spirit world Derek Acorah and I had a chat with Brandon Block after playing him at Celebrity Poker.

Things were going well. We got through to the semi-finals and then got knocked out at the last minute. Buggery bollocks.


13/05/06 - Newport/Birmingham
Drove down to St. Andrews, home of Birmingham City FC for the warm-up to the Soccer Sixes today. We're representing Wales so all have wicked identical red tracksuits. Sexy weatherlady Sian Lloyd is our manager with Howard Marks as our director. Maggot's the captain. We ran into the one, the only living breathing legend that is Roy 'The Boy' Walker from 'Catchphrase' (and 'Phoenix Nights', of course).

 

There's one classic clip from Catchphrase that everyone always remembers. Yes, I had to ask Roy about Mr. Chips having a wank. Think a few people may have asked him about that before but he said it was a good laugh all the same. We got a taxi and stagerred back to the hotel bar where we chatted with Justin Hawkins for a bit, then I had to get to bed. Big day tomorrrow.


12/05/06 - Newport
One man. One car. The moving of shitloads of stuff continues. I think I'm starting to realise just how much I've got to move now. Mind you, I've also found loads of stuff that can go down to the charity shops too. It's quite cathartic to get rid of stuff you don't need any more.


11/05/06 - Newport
Enjoyed a good community workshop session today. It's a nice feeling to come away thinking that you've contributed something to popular culture in some small way, even if it merely involves rhyming couplets with a healthy dose of swearing. That's good enough for me.


10/05/06 - Newport
Had to do some TV and publicity stuff for 'The Full Ponty' festival today. It involved wandering round a market in Ponty with loudhailers informing people of the joys of live Welsh music. I climbed a lampost at one stage and even encouraged people to buy fresh bras and pants from behind an underwear stall. The phrase, "Get em while they're hot cos you are too" seemed to work quite well.


09/05/06 - Newport
In between bouts of sorting and moving stuff out, I left the television on and enjoyed 'The Hairy Bikers' Cookbook'. Besides driving big bikes round and cooking amazing food they tried out some hallucinogenic honey, started tripping their tits off and began hunting for prehistoric sea monsters. Good on you bearded cookery dudes...! Excellent work.


08/05/06 - Newport
I've recently sorted out a new place to live so began moving shit out today. It's funny how pictures or things found again can open the floodgates for memories. I lost count of the number of times I picked something up and smiled at it remembering times past and then understanding what these things have now come to represent. Miniature Star Wars toys reminded me of staying up and watching Star Wars being broadcast on TV for the first time ever. I can remember recreating the space battles as I was watching them happen in front of me. Brilliant.

Imagine not seeing a film at the pictures then having to wait for it to be shown on the telly to see it. That was why Bond films at Christmas were such a national institution, the whole family got involved. "Oooh, don't like the look of him, he's got metal teeth" my grandma'd say or if Bond got sexy in the first sequence, my Dad would say something like, "he's a fast mover, he's only known her 10 minutes". Magical times.


07/05/06 - Dundee/Edinburgh/Newport
Woke up to find myself fully dressed and lying on the bed. Good start. Everyone else was downstairs so grabbed my bags and legged it. A 'Sliding Doors' or 'Final Destination' style moment now occurs but of course you never notice it at the time until the consequences of these actions begin to unfold. Half of us went in one taxi, half in another. Our half, we were informed on the way, were taking a slight diversion to St. Andrews again to pick up the sound gear. The driver advised us that if we were to pick up the gear, there was no way we'd make our flight back out again. Regardless, we headed over, grabbed the stuff then the driver had to employ some impressive Scottish country lane secret knowledge to get us to our intended destination on time. It reminded me of 'Clockwise' with John Cleese flying down country lanes and getting stuck behind sheep and tractors.

We made good time but the check-in desk had already been closed 4 minutes before we arrived. 4 minutes seems to make no difference to people in airports. When it's done, it's done. Game over. Zero negotiation. Never mind. We made the best of a bad situation however and got stuck in at the bar upstairs. Magners all round. This is how we spent another 4 hours till our next flight so were suitably 'loose' by the time it came to check in again. In hindsight, I think I fired off a number of terribly base sexual innuendos at the lovely check-in staff but hey, it helps pass the time. They had a variety of suitably witty retorts too so a good bit of banter was enjoyed by all. Maggot was recognised as we waited for our stuff to go through and soon had a small fan base gathered round him. I had a look out of another window for a bit.

 

Think I had a little sleep on the plane. Unsure. Dr. Cum kindly drove us back to the Port aided by Dave Pearce's Dance Anthems on Radio 1. Fuckin brilliant. We tried calling into the studio to get Binary Finary's 1999 on but couldn't get through. Can remember feeling very drained when I got back and soon shuffled off to bed. Had one of those crashing waves of tiredness that hits you to such an extent that you start making animal noises when you get under the covers. Ever done that...? I'm sure I'm not the only one. It happens when you're proper tired and the relief of climbing into bed is such that you need to express it through primal sounds and noises. Try it. You might like it.


06/05/06 - Newport/Edinburgh/Dundee/St. Andrews
4am start. That's a way to tell that your birthday's over. Absolute killer. Strangely enough, I woke up before the alarm went off. I knew I had to get up early and as such, that same message was gently skirting round my subconscious, dancing in and out of my dreams. At one stage I thought I'd passed out at a house party and people were trying to wake me up. I get that sometimes when I fall asleep in a weird place like in a train or plane, under a table or in a field.

We set off to Cardiff Airport on the other side of Barry Island early on. Caught a plane up to Edinburgh and then drove to Dundee. Everyone was falling to pieces by the time we got there. Checked in but couldn't sleep due to rave music playing outside. Wandered downstairs, spotted the boys enjoying breakfast. Was politely told to hurry up as the the breakfast buffet was closing and if I wanted anything it would cost me £15. Fuck that. Walked quarter of an hour to Tesco's on the other side of the roundabout and bought a breakfast of 5 items with a mug of tea and a paper for £3.28. That's more like it.

Enjoyed a walk along the Forth River, got back to the hotel then drove 45 minutes to St. Andrew's by taxi for soundcheck. We originally drove straight up to the prestigious St. Andrews Golf Club where we were immediately ordered to turn round and return whence we came like the scum we are. I don't think we were very welcome there. A few confused conversations later and we were speeding off through St. Andrews (which I recognised from Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2005) up the coast and up to a weird looking farmhouse with waltzers and fairground rides outside. This looked more like our kind of setup. Did the soundcheck, grabbed some vital beer/cider supplies and set off back to the hotel on our merry way. Had a few drinks and admired the view out of my window then had a lie down.....

 

Enjoyed 3 hours sleep and woke feeling fairly refreshed. We were on at 10pm tonight so people should be thoroughly refreshed themselves by that stage. On the way back to St. Andrews, we saw spotlights and lasers illuminating the night sky. Proper old skool rave in the country. Heavy rain began to descend as we prepared for the show. There seemed to be gaping holes in the farmhouse roof just above the stage too but no one seemed too bothered about that. The show went really well. Very enthusiastic, excitable and exceptionally drunk crowd rocking the farm to its foundations. Excellent. Did another raid on the drinks cabinet and headed off into the night via taxi. Another late night followed. Here are some before and after shots of one Billy Webb enjoying slumber and then being roused from sleep only to be informed it was time he found his own hotel room....

 



05/05/06 - Newport
Birthday today. Much like any other day really. I think my best birthday was when I was 6 or 7. I remember getting some books, a cool birthday cake and a Zoid. I didn't even know what a Zoid was was but my Dad helped me make it before school and it blew me away. It never even walked properly when you wound it up but it just looked amazing. Futuristic robot dinosaurs with guns, now you're talking. It's funny how your priorities change as you grow older. Now I'm into time-travelling futuristic robot dinosaurs with guns.




04/05/06 - Newport
Why not recreate the scenes of last night in the Bassment in your mind with this delightful excerpt of the Katzenjammers 1981 classic steel drum rendition of Gary Numan's 'Cars' that I've managed to dig out...? It's very good. It was made in the eighties too, so it was built to last.



03/05/06 - Newport
We're off to Fife on Saturday so I had a few early birthday drinks in town tonight instead. We gathered a nice crowd together and headed down the Bassment. I seem to recall dancing to a steel drum version of Gary Numan's 'Cars' and banging my fists on a table in rabid excitement. The fury was such that a full pint fell over over Adam's leg, the irony being that Eggs had only just tipped his drink over Adam's other leg. Such is the inevitable carnage resulting in 'going out for a couple of drinks'.


02/05/06 - Newport
It's going to be a crazy month this one. You've got my birthday, my brother's (Martin pH Balanced), my Dad's, Billy, Eggs and Hattsy. Think Eggs is trying to organise a venue somewhere for one big bash but it'll still mean a month of hard drinking and no cash. Oh well, same as every other month then.


01/05/06 - Newport
Here's a lovely picture of us doing something somewhere or other. It's strange, each of us seems to be doing something different in this picture. Makes me wonder what Billy was thinking about, what Adam had trouble hearing and what was going through Hattsy's head at the time.




30/04/06 - London/Newport
Woke up at midday. Bit wonky. Bibs said he had to jet off and sort the van out so we said our temporary farewells and I went back to bed. Nice. Back to the Trafalgar Hotel for 3pm. A briefing followed for all drivers involved in the Gumball from Maximillion Cooper (the founder and organiser) and the local constabulary. Me and Billy managed to grab none other than the Cheeky Girls for a quick photo call. I'm not about to punch one of them, I was just a little overexcited.


120 luxury sports cars, Pall Mall strip, 9 dickheads in leisurewear (including Bibs) and a Bedford Rascal made up like an A-Team van. They'd never stand a chance. We wandered over to the van and were greeted by various members of the Forum Crew. Huge ups to all y'all. Thanks very much for coming down and supporting us. Some of the other boys had to go and do media stuff which left Bibs driving, Maggot in the passenger seat, Killer Tomothy inside the vehicle and me and Adam hanging precariously on the sliding doors. Adam got excited and started doing a war dance on top of the van which then dented the roof. Big Chief Adam Dances With Vans.

   


For more Bedford Rascal A-Team van-based fun and games, have a look here under 'GLC at the Gumball 3000 Rally in their A-Team Van'. Before we knew it was time to roll. Maggot had to run after the van at the first stretch as he didn't realise we'd already started. We got a fuckin massive reception. We rolled past the start line and assumed that would be the end of the crowds but it was only the beginning - 250,000 people came down to witness the start of the Gumball. We were getting more cheers, shouts, waving hands and attention than the smarter cars themselves. Luxury cars, sports cars, concept cars, kit cars amd shit cars. Amazing. Then of course, having so much fun waving to people, giving high fives, reciprocating laughs and shouts of encouragement from the crowd doesn't come without a price.


To the man with the bike and the flashing lights, to the man in the peaked cap, hi-viz and no sense of humour, to the man who ignored all the sports cars roaring past and decided to pull a clapped-out, fun-filled Bedford Rascal A-Team van over: "FUCKING SHAME ON YOU". Get a grip. We were just having a laugh. Apparently, Adam and myself constitute a 'dangerous load'. An overexcited, exuberant and thoroughly animated load perhaps but certainly not dangerous. Not unless you tried to arrest us anyway.

Bibs, being the responsible driver that he is tried all the stall tactics in the book to try to get away but to no avail. £60 and 3 points later, he was allowed to drive off with Maggot in the passenger seat but without the rest of the A-Team Van Party. No, we had to walk back to the hotel to the amusement of the crowds who'd gathered round and all assumed this was some form of bad boy publicity stunt. No stunt here. As I explained to one curious passer-by, the policeman obviously mistook this for the real A-Team van and was so disappointed at not finding Mr. T inside, he decided to book us instead. Don't take the prepubescent disillusionment out on us, Kojak. It happens to us all. Just fucking grow up.

As if we hadn't enough crap authority figures giving us shit today, we were challenged by train people on the way back home. One refused me access on the train after everyone else had gone through. After explaining my plight, swinging my bags around, trying to find the others and then looking like I was about to explode, he gave in and allowed me to sprint like a mad bastard for the train about to pull away with conductors watching me with puzzled expressions. These were the same conductors who a mere 5 minutes later asked us to move carriages because we're "not real first class passengers", just ones who took advantage of the £10 weekend upgrade offer. He might as well have called his mate on the police bike back to drive alongside the train, do a James Bond style leap onto the carriage and come crashing through a window on a rope to write out some fines. Today we were moving for no man. Fuck them and their law (terms and conditions apply, your statutory rights are not affected).


29/04/06 - London
Woke up at 4.10pm. A refreshing sleep no less. Grabbed a cheap Hawaiian pizza with jalapenos and had a call from the 'country gent' that is Bibs to say that he was 'in an area'. We hooked up and both felt strangely drawn to 'The Mitre', the Olde Londonium Sherlock Holmes pub round the corner. Magners was most certainly on the menu.


We enjoyed a few more pints and whiled away the hours recounting stories of wreck-up and numerous humourous drinking anecdotes. Lovely stuff. Proper gentleman's afternoon. Turned out that Bibs was going to be the one responsible for driving our 'secret weapon' in the Gumball on Sunday. Wicked.

Headed off to the Trafalgar Hotel for the Gumball 3000 Rally Launch party. Me and Bibs decided to have a look at the 'secret weapon' instead so took a diversion into the car park round the back. Sadly, the fucker wouldn't start properly so I had to push it round for a bit while Bibs did the steering. Hopefully we should be alright for tomorrow.


After fun and games in the car pool, we had a bit of a nightmare getting into the venue but managed it in the end. You can witness the carnage right here under 'Gumball Launch Party'. We met Bez again with other members of 'Domino Bones'. Lovely to see the 'Dirty Sanchez' boyos again too. I'd like to give a big-up to Chinese Dave who said that he's into the Musings then gave me a bollocking for not updating it enough. All sorts of old skool rave carnage continued late into the night with Mixmaster Xain and the Mighty Maggot MC. Here at long last is conclusive photographic evidence of the rare lesser-spotted Bibblios Passingoutonus that enthusiasts have craved for so long. Needless to say, this lucky fellow got the bed while I laid on the floor. It's only because he's a rare breed.




28/04/06 - London
Woke up, had a lovely shower then headed down to the Bayswater Cafe to catch up with the others for breakfast munch. We hooked up with a guy called Safe (who was proper safe) from SmokinGroove.com. I can't recall a lot about the interview as I'd had a few pints at this stage but we had a good few jazz fags and I had to lie down for a bit. We also met the legend that is Tony Hawk down at the hotel bar. I told him I liked his 'Tony Hawk's Underground' game and he said he had a new one coming out. That's pretty much all we said. He was very nice though. Fuck knows what he was doing at Fawlty Towers, he must've been proper hard up for somewhere to stay. Adam wanted to ask him what a 'Pop Shove-It 180' was but decided against it.


Off to the venue at 7pm for soundcheck. We were on at 2am or something tonight so had to conserve our energy, as seen below.....


Had to get to another venue for some TV stuff and watched Ian Brown doing some of his tunes. He had an amazing pristine white Adidas tracksuit on. We had a few drinks then got back to Canvas where we were doing our show. Hilarious. Everyone was pretty hammered by this stage. Show went pretty well considering. Think we got back about 4.30am. Not too sure. Fell into bed and was suddenly consumed by oblivion.


27/04/06 - London
Early start today. Up at 6am to start filming at 8.30am. I don't even pretend to understand how television people plan these times out. Makes no sense to me. Headed down by the London Eye to take an amphibious vehicle down the Thames with a TV crew from the Carling 24 event and some competition winners from Newcastle. Great fun was had by all.


We got on well with the Geordie lads and gave them a special guided tour of London. Discussions were instigated on the amount of dead bodies and illicit substances found in the Thames. Debates were sparked as to why either were there. Conclusions were drawn and the trip continued as before. Here we are at the end of the trip looking truly euphoric. Must have been something in the water.


Our hectic schedule continued unabated. Next stop was a Cancer Awareness gig where we were supposed to have worked out a rap to highlight the importance of checking yourself. This wasn't prepared, the TV people started stressing so we cobbled a masterpiece together in what little time we had. Check it below.....


I think it's fair to say that they were blown away with our efforts. We had a few drinks then it was time to go. You can see the kind of fun we were having right here....


Good to see that Adam wasn't letting his newfound policing authority go to his head. Just keeping a steady eye on things, as it were. Headed back to Fawlty Tow...sorry, the Columbia Hotel and had some lovely food in an Italian place nearby. Many drinks were enjoyed. We returned 'home' and decided to take a lift up to the rooms. The service lift, that is. A service lift with a sign that said '4 people only'. All 6 of us. The inevitable occured, the lift jammed and it was soon transformed into a Living Hell on Earth. Me, Adam, Billy, Xain, Maggot and Nienke all stuck in a tiny lift between floors with a drunk Xain screaming, laughing hysterically and banging the lift walls. After about 10 minutes of this, we heard Ballsy shouting down to us and he went off to get help. Eventually, the lift was cranked down sufficiently to allow us to climb out of the lift and down to the nearest floor where we were greeted by angry hotel staff. We kept our heads down and quickly disappeared in different directions. I was just happy to be alive. 'Towering Inferno'? Rubbish. 'Poseidon Adventure'? Don't make me laugh. Try spending half an hour in a 4 man service lift with 5 other drunk friends and you'll see what I mean.





26/04/06 - Newport/London
Had a run in with a bad boy racer reversing at high speed down a one way street the other day so dropped the car off at the garage to be fixed. It's going to be out of action for 4 days but we're off down to London today for this Carling 24 malarkey and additional fun and games at the Gumball 3000 so it should be alright.

Had a few drinks on the train on the way down. Feels like a holiday today, everyone's in high spirits. Got a few ideas together so kept scribbling till we pulled into Paddington. We're staying in the Columbia Hotel (London's answer to 'Fawlty Towers') for the next few days. It's hilarious but I'm just thankful we've got somewhere to lay our heads.

Checked in, dropped our stuff off then headed to 'The Mitre' round the corner for some alcohol and food (in that order). Got on the Magners and ice vibe. Lovely stuff. I don't really understand people's reservations to ice in cider. Some say it's a fad, others it's just a novelty, others a commercial conspiracy. I say, I'm in London, I'm paying loads for drinks anyway, I like it and I make no apologies for that. Ice in my pint glass please.

Needless to say, 5 pints or so later I was flying as was everyone else. Adam bought a policeman's helmet from a newsagent's and began shouting "I AM THE LAW" to everyone he came across (and a few others he crossed to road to inform). A very good start to the London sessions.




25/04/06 - Newport
Bit more science today then headed over to Eggy's for community workshop. Seemed to go pretty well. Everyone's letting their creative juices flow at the moment which sounds disgusting but actually means we get a good sequence of ideas together. Enjoyed the brain food that is Dr. Oetker's quality frozen pizzas with sliced jalapenos. The latter were added by the convenience food connoisseurs that we are. Recommended if you're stuck for time but require quality munch.

Borrowed 'The Life Aquatic' off Eggs and was more than pleasantly surprised, it's fucking quality. It even had an additional music cd by Seu Jorge who keeps singing Bowie songs in Portugese. Makes you feel like you're in Nando's but it's actually very good. Nice Summertime vibe if you fancy something different for a change.

Also managed to catch Keith Allen's documentary 'Michael Carroll: King Of Chavs' but it wasn't really worth sticking round for. The tabloids favourite drug-addled lotto maniac Mikey Carroll was hardly even in it.


24/04/06 - Newport
Been listening to and enjoying the vibes of one Ulrich Schnauss recently. Very good. Soothing for the soul.


23/04/06 - Newport
Another good one from back in the day on in the afternoon today was 'Jason and the Argonauts'. Fuckin quality. My favourite bit was with the skeletons at the end, scared the shit out of me each and every Christmas.

   

Came round from an afternoon nap to spy Howard Marks on telly. Then realised it was an advert for the new series of 'Heartbeat'. Then spotted that various characters were off their tits on mushrooms, hugging flashing police lights and the like. Good old Uncle Howard, looks like he's been up to his old tricks again. I didn't manage to watch it so am wondering whether all of this actually happened or if my mind is subconsciously connecting random events for no reason whatsoever again. Personally I find it quite entertaining when it happens but it can cause confusion and concern for other people.

Additional: Hang on, just managed to find this off the Radio Times site: The return of Heartbeat is always a cause for celebration among those who like their Sunday-evening drama served warm and buttery, its cosy blend of pleasant scenery and unthreatening yokels bringing the weekend to a slipper-snug close. Tonight, however, there are decidedly un-cuddly forces afoot when a strange old buffer in a flat cap arrives in Aidensfield claiming to be the longlost husband of a local woman. While unflappable PC Walker attempts to unravel the interloper's true identity, events take a turn for the bonkers when Howard Marks turns up as a spaced-out mushroom gatherer.

Wish I'd watched it now. If there's one thing that 'Heartbeat' lot need, it's a voyage of self discovery into the Netherworld via Hyperspace.


22/04/06 - Newport
Been having discussions and thinking about the world of 'Logan's Run' for the past week or so. Then all of a sudden, I turned the telly on to find it on at 3am. How does that work...? Very weird.


I've always been interested in 70's style sci-fi visions of the future. They all seemed so very retro specific back then. Lots of moulded plastic, automated devices, telescreens and robot helpers. John Craven promised us robots by the year 2000 on Newsround in the early 80's. Mind you, he did have a good theme tune and fine taste in jumpers so I suppose he can be forgiven for some prophecies not coming to pass.


21/04/06 - Newport
Uploaded some rare and unreleased GLC remixes on the site today. Little is known about the artists concerned except to say that they're well on the road to recovery but still under strong medication. Keep an eye on the MP3 page, there's still loads more to come.


20/04/06 - Newport
Hungover again. Got back to the house at 1pm. Slept till 4pm. Had really weird dreams. One was about me driving in a foreign country and my car crashed into a tree that was on the road. Then I was stuck in a strange Russian style colliseum made entirely of stainless steel preventing me from climbing out. Very odd. When I woke up, I felt much better though.

We had to get down to Hattsy's for 5pm. Apparently, 'Most Haunted' were sending a camera crew down and we had to do an interview then go on a 'ghost hunt'. What proceeded were some of the funniest hours of my life. Adam had been drinking for 24 hours and arrived shitfaced in a homemade 'Ghostbusting' outfit complete with vacuum cleaner strapped to his back and tinfoil hat to prevent 'ghost penetration' or something. Just look at the state of him.....


Had a bit of banter about Living TV's 'Most Haunted' then had to embark on a 'ghost hunt'. Eggs mentioned that he'd always wanted to do a TV show about binge drinking called 'Most Cunted'. One of us had to be Yvette Fielding to add an air of authenticity so Ballsy called forth his feminine charms. Truly, he was a delight to behold.....


As if that wasn't amazing enough, the camera crew lent us a thermal imaging camera that picks up heat signatures like in glc film favourite 'Predator'. Check out these bad boys: Left to right, you've got Adam, Billy, a group of dickheads and then I think it's Graham the Bear pretending to blow off Hattsy.....


I've had a few laughs with the Chain before but this was amazing. I lost count of the amount of times I laughed till I cried.


19/04/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Had a meeting in Cardiff with the rest of the boys today. We met down Nando's and ran into Tomothy aka Hi-Vis. Great to see the lad again. Chances are he's going to be taking over as our tour manager for a bit which'll be highly amusing.

The Bassment opening night has been shifted to tonight so everyone's raring to go though few can believe it's actually happening. Hooked up with everyone else down the Murenger and had a few 'olde cyders'. GtB was very excited. He kept slapping his thighs in anticipation and making animal noises. He lives for this stuff. I knew he enjoyed it but never realised just how much he must have missed it all.

The new Bassment's not bad. They've moved all the pillars out and they need to get a few more chairs in but by and large, it's a great improvement. GtB is right at home. Everyone else seemed to enjoy themselves too. Nice to see some old faces I hadn't run into for a while. Good old laugh. Got very drunk and had a lovely time.


18/04/06 - Newport
Been experimenting with the old internet science today and figured out a way of getting both photos and video footage off my phone. Should be good for providing both visual and audio records of my adventures through time and space.

Just so you know, I've had to archive my Musings from 2005. It just makes page loading times a bit easier to deal with. You can find everything from 2005 here or scroll to the bottom of the page and click the 'aum' symbol.


17/04/06 - Newport
Popped over Adam's to have a look at his pc today. He's been having a few problems with the little bugger and I promised to help out. Graham was insistent that we have an impromptu afternoon Film Club in the guise of 'Predator' with 5:1 surround sound. Wicked.

Adam explained how, as a youth, he would re-enact scenes from 'Predator' with the aid of a bolt with a length of rope attached. Every Saturday afternoon, he'd go in his back garden, attach the bolt on a tree branch, swing on the rope and hug the tree like Scwarzenegger does when he's hunting the Predator.

'Westworld' was on later so I watched that in bed. Fuckin great. For those of you that haven't seen it, it's a film about a massive futuristic theme park type place populated by robots in three specific time zone settings. 'Westworld' has a Wild West theme with cowboys, bar fights, bawdy burlesque birds and guns. 'Medievalworld' has knights, castles, serving wenches and feasting. 'Romanworld' has togas, orgies, gardens and erm....more orgies I suppose. You can do whatever you like - have fights with robots, have sex with robots, even kill the robots. They're simply repaired and shipped back again the next day while everyone's asleep. Then, of course, the robots go crazy and turn on all the people who've paid $1,000 a day to be there. Apparently Yul Brynner (who plays a robot gunslinger) wore the same outfit he wore in 'The Magnificent Seven'. Well done son, good effort.




16/04/06 - Cardiff/Newport
Woke up at 3pm this afternoon. Not in the best shape. Headed back to Newport and had horizontal standby mode session. Sleep - sleep - sleep.


15/04/06 - Cardiff
Very tired today. Watched 'Flightplan' and 'Gorillaz - Demon Dayz Live at Manchester'. The latter was wicked, the highlight for me being Shaun 'I'll Sober Up When I'm Dead' Ryder singing 'DARE'. The man's incredible. Even at such a high profile gig with a massive crowd, cameras capturing every moment, Ryder's absolutely hammered on stage, intent on singing half a bar behind everyone else. It's amazing. At no point does it even dawn on him what's going on or if it does, he never lets slip for a second. In the face of all adversity, the man just keeps stepping on.

Witnessed the house cat being mounted by an overenthusiastic rabbit in the back garden today. Just when you thought you'd seen it all. What fresh comedy madness is this...? Had a look in the Chapter Arts Centre as they're supposed to do good food. Was intrigued by a poster for a play/show/band called 'Lesbians On Ecstasy'. Sounds great. Had a good old fashioned steak and chips to bring me round. Nice. While we were down there, Angharad met one of her party chums who reliably informed her of a great club night tonight down at Gretzky's, the bar above the Cardiff Ice Rink. Apparently, it's their last night there so they're going out with a proper bang.


Wicked, fucking amazing night. Can't believe I'd never heard of this night before and then go along on the very last one. Bollocks! All sorts going off. 'No stress code' apparently, which was certainly a bonus. Electro, bouncy house and D&B in separate rooms, quality. Bumped into a few lovely people I hadn't seen for ages too which is always nice. Headed back for a chill, tea and jazz session at 4am. Great bit of fun that. Haven't had a night like that in ages. It's always the nights where you never plan anything that turn out to be the best.


14/04/06 - Cardiff
Headed over to Cardiff for my friend Angharad's birthday. It was supposed to be a fancy dress affair so pirate costumes had to be quickly assembled. The local fancy dress shop was shut so Tesco Value pirate costumes were the only way forward. Armed with some plain white t-shirts and a permanent marker, I set about creating suitable pirate-themed outfits. In the end, we just put the decorated t-shirts on and got terribly drunk.

Had a barbecue, can remember meeting a girl called Sarah-Jane and her mate dressed as Wonder Woman, had discussions on the benefits of invisible airplanes, lassos of truth and feminium bracelets, recall dancing round for a bit and then it all went dark. Woke up on the living room floor but on the opposite side to where I last recall being conscious. Very strange.


13/04/06 - Newport/Cardiff
Today should have been the grand opening of the Bassment, Graham the Bear's superclub of Stow Hill, Newport. Sadly, something important had been overlooked and the opening date's been put back another week. I was reliably informed that GtB was both angry and frustrated in the late afternoon and as a result on his third bottle of wine.


12/04/06 - Back in the Port
Thank fuck that's over. Supposed to be taking it easy today but instead headed over to Hattsy's for a poker session. Got back at 5am. Ooooooh.

Found some interesting information relating to the 'om/ohm/aum' symbol found at the top of the Musings today too. Apparently, it's the most 'ancient of all trance inducing sounds':

Thousands of years ago in ancient India the seers rediscovered the sacred syllable AUM (pronounced OM). AUM is more than a single word, it is the seed of all other words and a scientific formula. When each letter is vocalized correctly, all vowels and consonants are foreshadowed within it. "A" embodies the waking state of consciousness, the material world. "U" represents the dream state of the astral and subtle planes of existence. "M" symbolizes the state of deep dreamless sleep, a state of bliss and transcendence which is not consciously experienced. The most important part of this primeval formula is the silent resonance that is felt after sounding the "M." This forth part is the spirit, consciousness itself. The vibration of AUM brings about physical and psychological evolution.


11/04/06 - Stellenbosch/Cape Town/Johannesburg/Paris/London/Newport
Hilarious. Just have a look at the number of places above we had to fly to and from and tell me it didn't hurt. Now add an intense bout of food poisoning. Liquid mass at high altitude from both ends. Sweating. Shaking. Hallucinating. Constantly slipping in and out of consciousness. Having a second pillow confiscated by the fuckin cabin crew. Dealing with the 'Economy Class Domino Effect' of the chair in front going back all the way to such an extent that just breathing was a huge fucking effort. Horrific, simply fucking horrific.

Oh and then we landed at Heathrow and discovered they'd left all of our luggage in Paris. Fucking useless. Air France? Air Pants more like. Still, could be worse.


10/04/06 - Stellenbosch, South Africa
So time to go home today. One thing that I missed out from our adventures last night was a game we devised just as everyone was settling down and getting ready for bed called 'Snakeflinger'. The excitement generated by this game was such that everyone woke up and wanted to play a bit longer.

Eggs was the first to try it. He explained that by throwing the rubber snake into the ceiling fan as it rotated on full speed, it acted as a chaotic generator launching the snake back again in a random direction with about 7 or 8 times it's original force. The aim of the game was to wrap the snake round the central column of the fan or one of its spinning blades. All participants/combatants were required to proclaim 'Snake-Flin-Ger' in suitably manly tri-syllabic format before catapulting the snake skyward. It's a fucking awesome game. When using the officially recognised 'Snakeflinging' technique, the snake (upon its return) can smash stuff over, fly out of windows, take players' eyes out and much, much more. Ballsy played for a while and finally announced it as "the best game I've ever played and I've played the lot".

I don't really want to go home. I could quite happily live right here and train myself up to be a World Class Snakeflinger.


09/04/06 - Stellenbosch, South Africa
Woke up feeling hot, hammered and horrifically rough. Any plans we might have had for doing anything on our last day in South Africa had been drop-kicked out of the window. Luckily, we were all pretty much in the same boat. Let the Wedding Night alcohol rehab session commence.....

In the end, we had a lovely day of chillin in the sun by the pool. Lovely. I divebombed into the cold waters of the pool to kickstart the recovery process. We each found something to occupy our time with. Eggs played with a rubber snake making it swim and describing its evermore complicated fictional feeding habits to anyone who'd listen. Maggot became obsessed with the automatic underwater pool cleaning device known as a 'Kreepy Krauly'. He experimented by lifting it out of the water while it made crazy slurping, gurgling noises then tried to hoover up dead insects from the pool. Danny Draw was happy enough to have a paddle for a bit, Ballsy had a jazz laid out in the sun and Adam decided to get drunk again.

We decided to finish off our final day in style with a proper barbecue so headed off down to the SuperSpar again for more meat. Despite our best efforts, it took four and a half hours before we could actually eat anything but we were glad when we did. Adam took it upon himself to prepare a deligtful roast vegetable selection including pumpkin, baby gemsquash, mixed peppers and courgettes. Quality. Here's how we treated ourselves properly on the barbecue front, now you too can do the same with this handy cut-out'n'keep recipe card.....

'The Hawaiian Fantasy Burger'
You will need:
High-quality quarter pound burgers for each person indulging.
As many decent sesame seeded baps as you've got burgers.
Crunchy peanut butter.
Pineapple rings (Not chunks).
Mixed peppers (Red, green, yellow but say no to blue. If you've got blue, it just won't do).
Computer cheese (Dairylea slices or equivalent).
Sauces. This is the important bit so pay attention:
Get Heinz Tomato Ketchup, HP Chilli Sauce and French's Squeezable Bright Yellow Fluorescent Mustard. I'm not normally one for specifying brands but you just can't mess about in this game.

- Whack your burgers on the old barbecue. Turn to those around you and make 'Mmmmm' noises, wink at them, nod knowingly and say things like, "Oooooh, you're going to love this".
- Get someone else (someone responsible would be ideal) to cut the baps in two and slice the peppers ready for grilling on the barbecue. Get them to spread a layer of crunchy peanut butter on the bottom of each burger bap. Not too thick, not too thin, just right.
- Check yo burgers homes. Flip em over when the time is right. Soon as they've been turned, carefully place the sliced peppers on the grill to be cooked too. Take pride in your burger to peppers spacing and grilling ratio.
- Build up people's expectations by saying things like "Hawaiians love these burgers after a hard day's surfing" and "even the first taste will make you cum in your pants". It's a scientific fact that food and sex are very closely linked.
- Get your responsible friend to lay out all the burger baps (complete with crunchy peanut butter on the bottom) on plates in a line. This speeds up the preparation process no end.
- The burgers should be coming along nicely now. Check the peppers too - remember, these will need turning at some stage. When the burgers have got about a minute and a half to go, carefully position a slice of computer cheese on each burger to melt lovingly over it. Yum.
- Almost ready to go...? Once the cheese has melted, place the burgers on the baps (with crunchy peanut butter on the bottom). As long as the burger's hot enough, it'll work the peanut butter into a kind of sexy satay sauce consistency. For now, on with the rest of this sensual meat-based delight.
- The sauces next. Best to use all three but the secret is not to use too much or it'll drown out all the other subtle flavours you've got going on. We're trying to work towards a delectable crescendo of tastes here but it's a very delicate balance on all fronts. Be careful.
- Now once the sauces are set in place, add the pineapple ring after safely shaking off excess juice. Add your mixed grilled peppers on top too. Pop the top of the burger bap on and you're done. Sit back and gaze in awe at your completed 'Hawaiian Fantasy Burger'. Well done.
- There are now two schools of thought on the matter of enjoying your 'Hawaiian Fantasy Burger'. One states that in polite circles of society, it's advisable to use cutlery to avoid unnecessary disruption to the established decorum of the event. Then again, you're sat outside having cooked meat on a fire and there's nothing more primeval than that. Get proper messy - enjoy yourself and get involved.

It's worth remembering that once they've experienced the 'Hawaiian Fantasy Burger', your esteemed guests will come back time and time again wanting more. You should always remember that you're more than qualified to dub yourself 'Barbecue Master' and 'King of Fire'. Demand respect. If they give you any shit, deny them the experience of 'Hawaiian Fantasy' and call them greedy fuckers till they apologise. That'll learn em.


08/04/06 - DAN & TESS' WEDDING DAY! - Stellenbosch, South Africa
Up at 11.30am today. Popped over to the big house for a spot of breakfast. Happy to say that this time the dogs were safely locked up. Showered, had a shave and attempted to smarten myself up. Got the man from Del Monte look together and looked superfly. Maggot managed to punch a ceiling fan whilst stretching and fucked his hand up. Adam and Dan had booked themselvs into a posh hotel last night. Couldn't help but wonder how they were feeling today.....

We piled into the Scumbus, engaged Gunlock and set off for Stellenbosch. Managed to locate the Church after a brief panic. Hooked up with all the other guests and enjoyed some beers in a bid to cool down. Soon enough we had to wander back to the Church and take our positions. Lovely service. We sang 'Amazing Grace' along with a stirring Valleys style rendition of 'Bread of Heaven'. Dan and Tess looked very happy on emerging from the Church, radiant I would say. Dan looked one of the proudest men alive. Had some photos done, then headed back to the vineyard for the reception. Met some of Tess' friends and relatives, all very nice, friendly people. Top quality munch was enjoyed by all then the inevitable series of speeches began. Adam as Best Man was hilarious, wandering round the tables with a cordless microphone, looking confused at times but concentrating to such an extent that all people could do was laugh. Well done that lad. All the time Adam was giving his speech, various pictures of Dipper were appearing on a overhead projector including him dressed as Superman on stage with us at Glastonbury.

Soon it was time for drinking, dancing, singing and celebrations. I enjoyed a heady mix of wine, cider and tequila and can recall Eggs taking on the role of a drunken uncle at a wedding reception, clapping his hands, shouting and dancing in a glam rock style. I managed to say goodbye to Dan and Tess before they set off, thanking them for a brilliant day and wishing them all the best. I got back, collapsed on my bed and seem to recall listening to the radio play of 'The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy' though I don't know why. I must have taken these lovely snaps of Ballsy before passing out - note the bad boy appeal of wearing a suit with white trainers like he's just been to court.....


Nice Mike


Nasty Mike

Additional: It transpires that although Adam spent last night in a 5* luxury hotel, all did not go according to plan. Dipper Nan, his brother King Jacko and Adam arrived to find that the hotel had never heard of them. This (in true Dipper style) was soon resolved by charm, a choice selection of words and gentle coercion. Before long they were lying in a hot spa with cocktails laid on by the Management as a form of apology for the problems experienced.

That's not all. They checked into their room to find a photocopied letter explaining that a local crocodile farm had reported that a family of crocodiles had escaped and although the smaller ones had been found, the larger more dangerous reptiles were still on the loose, believed to be somewhere in the hotel compound. People were urged not to travel on foot but on golf carts supplied by the hotel Management. They had a lovely time experimenting with posh shower systems - Jacko told me that they had buttons to press to select the type of shower you wanted. His favourites were 'Tropical Rainforest' (jets of water with a fine mist) and 'Minty Surprise' where the water supplied is fragranced with a subtle minty aroma. Crazy bollocks.

A few drinks later and the boys decide to retire. However, the Management were only able to provide them with one room to share. Cue Adam lying on the floor in a room with Dipper and Jacko taking it in turns to see who could snore the loudest. Thus we see Adam finishing off his 5* hotel experience in fine fashion, dragging his duvet and pillows to the bathroom and sleeping next to the toilet.


07/04/06 - Hermanus/Stellenbosch, South Africa
Another early start today as we've got shit to do. Up at 10am, had a quick shower, ditched stuff in the motor and set off for the town of Stellenbosch. Very wonky today. Stopped at a garage for petrol and a steak pie. Dipper advised that the pies over here are very good for hangovers. May have been true, may have been psychosomatic but I felt better within a quarter of an hour. We got into Stellenbosch and I had to find a print shop and an internet cafe with Adam for last minute Best Man speech tweakings. After he was happy, we grabbed some lunch (chicken satay for about £3) and headed over to the vineyard.

Skilpadvlei is amazing. For a place you can't even pronounce the name of properly, you just wander round eyes agaze and mouth hanging open. The scenery's gorgeous, the wildlife's great and the backdrops awe-inspiring. Take a look at these - I've never seen sky that colour before.....



Had a much needed rest for a bit. Nice. Took the Scumbus out with Maggot, Eggs and Danny Draw for a supply run. We thought we'd pop down to the vineyard reception to ask where the nearest SuperSpar was. Pulled the car up next to a fence where four menacing looking guard dogs were barking and growling. Eggs and Danny Draw got out to have a look for people. As they did, the dogs came shooting round the corner after them, barking and salivating. They legged it back to the car and activated the automated doors that then began sl-o-o-owly sliding shut, all the while crazed canines charging ever closer. Maggot was screaming with laughter, then started shouting "Engage Gunlock! Engage Gunlock! Reverse Scumbus! Fucking reverse!". It was a lucky escape for us all. However, now we were surrounded by dangerous guard dogs who were busy biting the tyres of said Scumbus. As I slowly reversed backwards, I managed to disperse them without doing any harm. Temporarily distracted, the dogs began fighting and biting one another while another tried mounting his mate. Relieved and thoroughly amused, we span off into the moonlight, spirits lifted by what Maggot still regards as one of the funniest things to happen on holiday.

We found a petrol station in Stellenbosch, stocked up and headed back. We all decided on an early night as it was Dan and Tess' big day tomorrow. Had a few drinks and watched a ridiculous film called 'Bats' with Lou Diamond Phillips. Then just when we thought we'd seen our fill of shit films, another came on with the title, 'Dream Master: The Erotic Invader'. Needless to say, we didn't stay up very long.


06/04/06 - Hermanus, South Africa
Early start for some of us today. Adam, Danny Draw, Dipper Nan and Tess decided to set off on a shark diving excursion starting at 6.15am. The rest of our party simply stayed in bed till after midday. Well, we had a busy day yesterday. Time for chillin. We had a wander down the road to a cafe on the corner that had a 'Sauce Burger' special and so opted for that. Very nice too. Don't know what the sauce was. They tried to explain but we didn't understand so all just smiled and nodded politely. Got back just in time to meet Adam and Co. on the way back from the shark diving trip. Over to Adam for this one......

"A Brief Guide to Shark Diving by Adam Hussain"
Oh-woah-woah. Hello, it's me Adam, self-styled adventurer and all round extreme risk-taker for the betterment of all mankind. Yes. Today I woke up at a stupid time in the morning to get closer to one of Nature's most feared underwater creatures - the Great White. Thing is, just cos they've got the blank, emotionless eyes of killers and teeth that could gnaw through steel, these big old boys have got a bit of a bad reputation. I'm not here to change any of that really, I'm just here to tell you how I got on.

We set off on a wonky old trawler to the middle of the ocean after a spot of breakfast and stuff. In order to attract the sharks, the sailor bloke dumped a whole bag of fish guts over the side that was then dragged along behind the boat. The cage was lowered and we started getting ourselves ready. Once the first sharks had been spotted, the dude on the boat slung a couple of massive tuna heads over the side on a line that allowed him to roughly direct the movements of the sharks. A heavy-duty cage was lowered into the murky depths and the first brave souls went in to have a look. As soon as they were under, the bloke with the fish heads started pulling them towards th cage and then up and out of the water. This allowed both the people in the cage and those on the back of the boat a full-on and terrifying view of these impressive underwater wrecking machines first hand.

Then, it was my turn to climb into the cage. I was so pumped up with adrenalin, I didn't know what I was doing. Before I knew it, I was in the cage, under the water and watching a fucking huge grey and white thing with loads of teeth come flying towards me. Jaws 3D be fucked, this is the real deal homes. Unbelievable. Dipper's missus Tess went nuts, stuck her hand out of the cage and actually stroked one on the side too. She's off her head. All at once, our time was up and we had to get back out of the cage again. Tess kept asking to go back in. Dipper on the other hand was trying to sneak a cheeky fag next to the highly flammable motor fuel while being circled by sharks. Brilliant. To conclude, I'd just like to say that diving with sharks has changed my life. I've learnt something about them and I've learnt something about myself too. Thank you for reading and goodnight.

Adam "Gonna Need A Bigger Boat" Hussain

-----------------------

Nice one Ad. Very good. I enjoyed your seminar immensely. Upon Adam's return, we were joined by two South African gentlemen shortly thereafter who began assembling a bizarre contraption in the front yard. As the pieces came together, we began to figure it out. They were building a proper medieval cooking device. Once the lamb carcass was prepared, skewered and slapped on top, it looked something like this.....


Here's proof (if proof were needed) that cooking a shit load of meat on a medieval cooking device really brings people together - I give you Dipper, Joel and Becs.....


The lamb being prepared was enough to feed sixty alone so it was good we had loads of Dan and Tess' mates coming over. The medieval feast was a masterpiece served with loads of salad and massive jugs full of wicked homemade mint sauce. I've never had lamb like it, it was that tender, the consistency was closer to that of a juicy steak. In the end, we had a rip-roaring party vibe complete with singing, dancing, some tears, some passing outs and some complete whiteys. Excellent stuff to conclude our last night in Hermanus on. Wreckhead central.


05/04/06 - Hermanus, South Africa
Busy one today so up at 9am. Showered and set off to see some penguins. No, really. I never knew there was such a thing as 'African penguins' either. Drove to a place called Stony Point on Betty's Bay. Had a wander about and watched the penguins for a bit. Cool. Headed over to a small family-run bakery to grab some lunch. Everyone's very friendly over here and keen to know where we're all from and what we're doing over here. Drove to another amazing beach that stretched on for miles. It looked like paradise, flanked by impressive, mist-topped mountains on one side and beautiful azure waters on the other. I can remember thinking how the whole thing was holiday perfection, almost exactly how I'd imagined the ultimate holiday as a kid. With waters that clear, it'd be a shame not to have a splash around. Game of the day seemed to be to get as far out as you could and then get swept back to shore with the power of the giant waves crashing over your head. I'd forgotten about the 'Washing Machine' effect where the waves put you into a spin cycle then dump you on the beach. Maggot's game was to lie down in the shallows and roll around making animal noises. He certainly looked like a man at ease with himself.

With all those fun and games over with, it was time for another holiday activity. Dipper and Adam had responsible wedding things to attend to so gave us some instructions and sent us on our way. I had a go at driving the Scumbus. We always had a number of checks to be performed before setting off. Reset the driver seat, figure out how to put it into reverse, check the revs, ensure air conditioning's working ("Oh Drive! EH-SEE-MAX!"), close the automated doors then activate 'Gunlock'. 'Gunlock' is a posh name for the interior locking system on the Scumbus, preventing unauthorised access to the cabin so as to thwart the efforts of any would-be carjackers. Once the call of 'Gunlock Activated' has been announced and repeated to the satisfaction of all present, the journey begins.

We decided to head over to an animal rescue centre called 'Monkeytown'. Quality. We paid a few Rand extra to experience something referred to as 'Monkey Interaction'. I'm glad we did. We were eagerly greeted by one of the friendly monkey keepers who then ushered us into a lush courtyard with ponds, waterfalls, bowls of fruit and other things to keep monkeys happy. We sat on a stone bench in the middle and waited as a few furry faces came over to say hello. One by one, they got more and more friendly and inquisitive until one of them had his tail round my neck, his fingers in my mouth and his tongue up my nose. Nice. The tribe seemed to be made up of spider monkeys and lemurs. The latter were like slow-moving furry badger monkeys, more interested in the fruit than misbehaving. The spider monkeys were hilarious though. One made friends with Ballsy and started grooming him, looking for nits and licking his neck. He even called over the rest of the family who all promptly warmed to him and fell asleep on his back. The keeper explained that they believed him to be one of them and as such, part of their family. Bobby Gillespie might have once had a monkey on his back but I've seen Ballsy and he had three.

Sadly, we had to say farewell to our newfound simian chums and had a wander round the rest of the centre. The cool thing was that instead of keeping monkeys in cages, they let them wander round while the human visitors are kept behind a metal tunnel that goes all the way through the compound. Makes a nice change. We saw some crazy chimpanzees, had a near run-in with some angry baboons and got sworn at by some parrots. Wicked. We thanked the people at Monkeytown for a wonderful time and set off back again (after engaging Gunlock on the Scumbus, of course).

Got back, wandered round the corner from the house for a nice homemade pizza, had a shower, applied some cooling aloe vera gel and had some lovely wine. Am feeling suitably relaxed. Get in nice.


04/04/06 - Hermanus, South Africa
Woke up feeling much better today. Had a potter round the house, it's fuckin great. I'd love to give you all a guided tour but sadly, these pictures will have to do.....



If you have a look at the first picture, you can see where we all had breakfast on the balcony at midday courtesy of one Danny Draw. Good munchings all round. Decided to take it easy today but we needed supplies so headed off to the local supermarket. Why are things so much better in other countries...? They don't have local 'Spars' over here. No, instead they've gone one step further and introduced 'SuperSpars'. I shit you not.


Truly, the safest of all local shopping solutions had just got a whole lot safer. Vital South African safari supplies included: Bread, crisps, meat, biscuits, cider and other bits and bobs. I was told off by the cashier for packing the bags. "That's his job" she said and pointed to a lad who must have been about ten or eleven. He even pushed the trolley all the way out to the car too but we couldn't leave him to stick all the bags in the back by himself. Between us, we gave him about 12 Rand which works out to about £1.20. He was very pleased with both us and himself after that.

We got back, chucked all the shopping in the fridge, bunged some stuff in a bag and headed off down to the beach. Think the place was called Palmas Beach or something. Lovely times. After a spot of sea air, it was time to head back so we stopped by another shop for more supplies and spotted an English theme pub called 'What The Dickens'. Hilarious. Fired up the barbecue upon our return and prepared peppered burgers, bits of steak, sausages with herbs, chicken breast and loads of other good stuff. Dipper was determined to make us try his speciality 'Gemsquash with Creamed Corn'. Fair play, it was amazing. Tasted a bit like sweet avocado or pumpkin with sweet-tasting corn. Top notch.

Think I either had a few too many Dry Savannas or the sun, sand and surf got the better of me as I passed out fully clothed on my bed shortly after eating. Ding dong.


03/04/06 - London/Paris/Johannesburg/Cape Town/Hermanus
A horrible journey but I'm happy to say that the goal was more than worth it. After changing at Paris, we all played the 'Get Hammered On Wine To Take The Pain Away' game and soon passed out due to the combination of alcohol in the bloodstream reacting with the high altitude travelling. After changing at Johannesburg, it was a short flight to Cape Town where we spotted an excited Dipper Nan banging his hands on a window and waving erratically.

We found ourselves hanging round the airport car park for a few hours waiting for the hire car to arrive. Things don't really seem to happen on time in South Africa we were told. If they do, you've been very fortunate. We had a nice time anyway chatting to Dan along with Eugene and Carol, Danny Draw's brother and his missus. Once the car came, we clambered inside and set off on the 'coastal trail' to a place called Hermanus. The scenery was amazing - loads of massive red cliffs, crimson rocks, vivid rainbows and a crazy storm breaking way out on the horizon. Everything had a weird orange glow when you looked at it due to the lighting conditions; the rays of the setting sun were bouncing off the cloud cover and illuminating everything at ground level. Surreal and yet serene. Check out lovely Adam enjoying the holiday vibe.....



We drove through a storm listening to Electric Light Orchestra's 'Mr. Blue Sky'. Then finally we reached our destination, a place called Hermanus on the coast. We were staying in an amazing place next to the Onrust River. All the natural light had disappeared but we decided to have a barbecue anyway. Mel (who used to go to school with Dipper and Adam) was already at the house with her boyfriend Aaron so it was a nice reunion. Can't remember much else about today. I drank loads of Savanna Dry cider that you can normally only get at Nando's in the UK, enjoyed a barbecued meat feast extravaganza and had a great night's sleep. Wreck up 2000. Wicked.




02/04/06 - Newport/London
......And we're off. We all piled into a luxury minibus and set off down the M4 bound for Heathrow. I asked Adam, as both Best Man and Managing Director of Adam Tours Ltd. to give an eloquent introduction to the holiday we were about to embark upon. It began something along the lines of, "Hello everyone. Greetings, greetings. We're going to another country today....another world even. A culture different from our own where many new experiences, sights, smells, animals and ladies await us. An epic adventure that would have the likes of Odysseus shitting it.....what the fuck is that?". We turned to see Adam pointing at something out of the window. "It's a fake tree" he said. "A fake tree with aerials....what's all that about...?". He was quite right. A badly disguised telecommunications mast could be spotted just above a grass verge as we drove past. Two questions immediately sprang to mind. What are they for...? And if they're supposed to be covert radio masts, why are they so badly disguised....? Almost as though people are supposed to spot them and wonder what they're for. The mind boggles.

With all that excitement over, Eggs and Adam started playing a game where you describe a made-up film to the other participant. Eggs began with two intriguing titles, 'Lazer Cop' and 'Behind the Ratcatcher's Eyes'. Adam responded well with two others, 'Mechanical Wizard' and 'Robot Cock'.

With such in-car entertainment available, the journey really flew by and we soon approached Heathrow, home of waiting, stress, noise, pointless security checks and mind games. I always test the metal detectors by intentionally keeping my belt on. If it goes off, then fair play, it's a thorough security check, all well and good. If it doesn't, then it was a wholly pointless exercise designed to keep the population in check, obedient and scared. We're past one metal detector, kept the belt on, nothing going off. Rubbish. Let's see how other countries' security processes fare.....


01/04/06 - Newport
The first sketch is upon us. Adam Tours Ltd. has just confirmed that the direct flights have all fallen through - we're doing the crazy roundabout route. Heathrow - Paris, Paris - Johannesburg, Johannesburg - Cape Town, roughly about 13/14 hours. Emphasis on the term 'roughly'. Urrrrgh. Whatever happened to the golden age of flying...? I remember grainy colour footage of airline extravagance from the 50's with loads of legroom, delicious roast dinners, comfort, fine wines and fit airline hostesses who encouraged the passengers to smack them on the arse as they walked past. Alright, I made up the last bit but you get my point. Nowadays, it's all cramped seating, horrible food, stress, shit service, pain, air conditioning that gives you a sore throat and/or cold and all at a price you could probably buy a caravan for. At least that wouldn't hurt as much. I've already practiced a mantra to repeat under my breath, "It's all a means to an end....it's all a means to an end". I just hope it works.


31/03/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Popped into Cardiff with Eggs to get some stuff for the trip and the wedding. He had to get some shoes and a shirt. I decided to pick up a lovely panama hat from House of Fraser. Should look proper 'Man from Del Monte'. He say 'yes'.

We're off tomorrow so just checking that everything's updated website wise. Expect another massive update upon my return. Behold!


30/03/06 - Newport
Project: Dipper Nan & South African Tess' Wedding
Location: Somewhere in South Africa
Travel Agent: Adam Tours Ltd. - Est. 2006
Date of Project: 02/04/06 - 11/04/06
Additional Information: Accomodation's sorted, we'll be staying in an amazing villa with a swimming pool, bar, balcony and sea view. Hoping to go deep sea fishing off the back of a posh yacht. The highlight, of course, will be Dipper and Tess getting hitched in a vineyard. Reckon it's going to be well hot.

Adam's asked me to sort out hire cars for us to pick up once we get over there. I've checked it out and reckon the best deal will be to get a 7-seater scumbus for us to travel in complete air-conditioned luxury. Not bad at £350 for a week either. Can't wait.


29/03/06 - Newport
Discovered an amazing beatless ambient radio station called 'Cryosleep' today. Lovely stuff to chill to. This is the lowdown on their site:

Most people who underwent cryosleep have reported that the mind seems to naturally retreat into a place of infinite tranquility, where the experience of Time itself is distorted in a subtle way.

Although there is no trace of conscious activity in the brain of sleepers, it appears that Experience itself never ceases, creating atemporal bubbles of memories of transcendental calm when the subject awakes.

It may be possible that chemicals used in the cryosleep process alter the outer cortex in a way that is not yet understood, however we believe cryosleep is a perfectly safe means of interstellar travel.


28/03/06 - Newport
Had a dream about being in school assembly last night. School assembly was always a bit weird. I never really understood what the point was. Sat in a big group, boys one side, girls the other. Told to shut up or you were singled out and ordered to stand on the side of the hall looking sheepish. There'd be some 'important' messages, perhaps a notice read out, information on the geography field trip and some kind of parable or fable to end on with an important moral message for all to heed. However, sometimes the message wasn't the easiest to decode.

One assembly I'll always remember was by a particular teacher who tried to explain a theory concerning travelling from A to B. He claimed that this theory states that none of us actually move anywhere in physical space. Presumably we just stay in the same place and everything else moves around us. Fair enough. He went on to say that, if you think of travelling from A to B as a process of continually halving the distance between the start of the journey and the destination then although you're moving closer and closer, you'll never actually reach your goal as there's always an infinitely smaller distance left to travel the closer you get. He may have been trying to give us a brief introduction to the Laws of Relativity or something but before he finished, his expression went completely blank and I'm assuming his mind did the same.

Struggling to conclude this complicated monologue, he finished with the explanation that any semblance of movement is illusionary, sometimes the sun goes round the moon and in the glittering corridors of hyperspace, we are merely reflections of ourselves. Imagine standing up and explaining that to a room full of hormonally-charged 14 year-olds and you can understand the kind of response he got, an almost spontaneous universal, "What the fuck?"


27/03/06 - Newport
Up at 3pm. Slowly readjusting to real life again. May have to lock it down in Welsh Rehab.


26/03/06 - Back in the Port
Woke up at 6.30pm. Tired and hungover. There was some kind of scrumpy stuff doing the rounds last night, had a real sting in the tail. Body clock's fucked completely. Didn't manage to get back to sleep till 6am.


25/03/06 - Birmingham/Newport
Up at the now traditional tour time of 2pm. As my stomach was already rumbling before I got out of my bunk, I decided it should be a top priority to locate food. It's great having catering and people cooking amazing food for you. I reckon that must be one of the reasons why people haven't been as ill as on other tours. Normally we'd all be falling to pieces by now.

Had a wander round the NEC. Sounds like it'll be a big one tonight, they've managed to sell 9000 tickets. Showtime inevitably rolled around again and it was time to get ready. Good to go out with a bang for the last show on the tour.

Had to make record time in the shower to allow us to get back to the Port early. Grabbed some food, said our thank yous and goodbyes and set off back to the Port. Got home, dropped the car off and headed off to Adam's. Hooked up with Adam, Graham the Bear, DCI Burnside and Hywel. It was Hywel's birthday and we headed off down to the aftershow venue for another session of carnage. Managed to stagger back home at about 8.30am. Think I may well have passed out as I collapsed on my bed fully clothed.


24/03/06 - Brighton/Birmingham
Woke up in Brighton. Had a wander about then went back to bed again. Woke up for soundcheck, then got ready for the show. Another good crowd, another good show. Had a shower and enjoyed a steak and ale pie, courtesy of the catering crew. Hooked up with Bibs and Laura, Millie and Liana and Al Fresco who was with Dunstan of Chumbawamba fame. The latter even wrote a lovely review with impressive use of alliteration. Check it out.

Had a few drinks then decided to get a munch on. Dr. Cum was organising curry munch to be delivered, so I decided on an old classic, 'The Asian Sandwich'. The ingredients are very simple and as follows:

1 x Chicken Tikka Starter (Ask for breast only if you want to be posh).
1 x Garlic Naan Bread (Doesn't have to be garlic, that's just a personal preference).

- Take gleeful delivery of freshly cooked exotic food products upon their arrival. Thank the provider with all sincerity.
- Chop up CT Starter with a smile on face. Keep thinking how good this is going to be.
- Unwrap Garlic Naan with semi-religious awe. Ensure that any condensation is removed from warm bread product.
- Place contents of CT starter on one side of the Garlic Naan. You should now have juicy pieces of succulent chicken, some lovely chopped onions and bits of unidentifiable green stuff (might be spinnach) on the side of the bread product.
- Careful now, this is where most 'Asian Sandwiches' go tits up. Concentrate and focus. Taking a firm grip on the side of the Naan being careful not to tip the contents out, roll the bread up like a giant savoury spliff. No sealing required.
- Gaze in adoration at the beautiful foodstuff you have created for your own delectation. Sigh and/or drool for a bit, then ram it in your head. It is considered an insult to the host should you stop to talk in the middle of an 'Asian Sandwich'. Get on with it. Tell me how much you've enjoyed it when you've finished, for now, just eat it.

Coming soon: 'Asian Sandwich Advanced - The Mint Sauce Debate'.


23/03/06 - Reading/Brighton
Woke up late again. Eggs had already been told off by security guards for conducting 'Skateboard College' on the university paths. We were all hungry boys so Thom sorted us out some taxis and we headed off to Nando's in search of sustenance. Had some munch then headed back to the Mothership for resting time.

Tonight's performance may rank as one of my all-time favourites. The place went fuckin mental. Can't remember such a reception like this since Glasgow or the other crazy venues. It's all about the energy - the crowd feed the band and vice versa. It's nice to see the difference between crowds too, especially when you're suporting another band on tour.

Big ups to Lisa Luv for some delicious 'magic muffins'. They were wholly appreciated by all of the crew though some had more than most. That'd be me then. Respect to MMS aka Chain Paul Kaye. Shouts to Treacle Slits and the Dirty Hussy. A big 'Yo' to Ian and Emma ("Qu'pla!") too. Shout outs to all the Forum clarts who came backstage to see us afterwards, lovely to see you, each and every one. Big thanks to Rob the Bearded Librarian and Ms. Sexy Tupperware '59 for all their cool retro gear they gave us to keep us entertained on the bus. 'Heavy Metal Parking Lot' is the coolest with loads of people I'd love to hang out with. Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, it turns out that they'd also given us a copy of Mr.T's seminal 80's classic 'Be Somebody...Or Be Somebody's Fool'. I never knew life could be this good.


22/03/06 - London/Reading
Ooooh. Bit wonky today. We ran out of booze last night and started hitting the whisky. Is it 'whisky' or 'whiskey'...? I think it all depends on where it's from or something. Seem to recall going for a fry-up but was still thoroughly drunk. May have gone back to bed again too.

Headed back to the Apollo in the afternoon for another soundcheck and what Eggs was now referring to as 'Skateboard College'. He found an old skateboard deck at Nienke's and decided to get back into the art of skating. 'Skateboard College' involves a series of practical tests as well as lectures on basic and more advanced moves. Some distinct favourites are: Half-arsed ollies and kickflips, skating round venue floors in a figure-of-eight pattern and crouching down on the board and turning yourself round on the ground using your hands like in 'Dog Town and Z Boys'. Even Tour Manager Thom decided to have a go with his trademark 'Robot Legs Attack' move: Standing legs apart with feet on each end of the board, you tic-tac towards your victim while extending your arms out and making 'beep-beep' noises. This continued until he stacked it and flew arse over tit. Oh, how we laughed.

Better show tonight, better reception too. Met our chums Liana, Jess and Lucy after the show. Liana was obsessed with telling me crap jokes, Jess remained Mistress of Deadpan Humour with cutting remarks and incredible facial expressions while Lucy claimed to be of half-Native American, half-Irish descent. She even managed to convince me that her Dad's tribal name was 'Running Off'. As you may have gathered, when I'm tired and I've had a few drinks, I'm hopelessly naïve. Off to Reading for our own headlining show tomorrow. Hooray...!


21/03/06 - Newport/London
A limited number of the Chain congregated on the Mothership today as three-eighths were already in the vicinity of Londinium. By my reckoning, we haven't been down to the Apollo since 2004 when we were supporting the Super Furries. Had a few drinks on the way down, listened to some choons nad watched episodes of 'Danger Mouse', 'Count Duckula' and old skool favourite 'Jamie and the Magic Torch' on DVD. Even managed time for a spot of reading and a Gentleman's Nap. Generally had a lovely time all round.

We couldn't park the bus in London easily so checked into a hotel for the night. Grabbed some food and then headed off for soundcheck. Wasn't worth going back to the hotel so we stuck around till it was show time. Had a good reaction, not amazing but better than I'd imagine for most support bands. The lovely thing about doing shows on this scale is that you've got delightful people in catering to look after you making good wholesome food and excellent Winter fare to be enjoyed even when it isn't Winter. That's a big bonus.

Once it was time, we headed back to the hotel where we would rest our weary heads. Or party till dawn. We hooked up with the legendary DCI Burnside and Party King Extraordinnaire Al Fresco who both seemed in high spirits. I popped back to my room to stock up on Strongbow. I've figured these bloody London bars out - they never have Strongbow on tap and I'm fucked if I'm paying £3.50 for a bottle of something I don't even want. So, I packed eight cans of Strongbow into a record bag and strolled down to the bar with all the nonchalance of an international playboy with a beard. Keeping an eye on the bar staff wasn't difficult and of course, I didn't even have to wait to be served. Most excellent.

Met the boys from the Automatic downstairs, lovely to see them. They told me all about their new video for 'Raoul', wicked. We also met Karen the London Stylist who accompanied us round many a festival last year. For about a week and a half I thought she was an air stewardess. She's lovely. We also ran into Irish comedian Ed Byrne and his missus, Claire. Carnage commenced. Apparently, I had to be picked up off a hotel room floor by Billy and Burnside but I don't remember any of this. Below are some photographic memories of the night captured by Al Fresco. Good times...!




20/03/06 - Newport
We've had a couple of days off now, just enough to recharge the batteries. Back off on it again tomorrow to do the resceduled support slots for Feeder with our own show in the middle. Can't wait. Up till 4am updating the Musings to the end of last month and still haven't packed anything yet. Come on...!


19/03/06 - Newport
Woke up to police helicopters buzzing about overhead. For fuck's sake. They seem to be flying about at all times of the day and night over Newport nowadays. Intrusive, intimidating, expensive and wholly unnecessary. The first time they decided to try the police chopper out in 2000 was when someone nicked a pasty from Gregg's in John Frost Square. I kid you not. Paul Flynn will back me up.


18/03/06 - Newport/Loughborough/Newport
Got back home at 5am. Made the classic mistake of 'going out for a few drinks' last night and the inevitable carnage followed. Off to Loughborough for a sporty student bash today. Hooked up at 11am, piled on the bus and had a lie down in the space pod which is why it's an integral part of the Mothership. Was soon asleep.

Woke up feeling a bit better, not fully rejuvenated just slightly refreshed but that's good enough for me. On a scale, plus one is better than minus six. Unless you're talking about how much it hurts. It's all about perspective see. Archimedes said, "Give me a place to stand and I will move the Earth". He was right. Adam said, "Give me some binoculars and I can perv on birds from afar without being spotted". He was right too.

The campus of Loughborough University's massive. We had to get taxis just to take us from the venue to a hotel on the other side. Mind you, that may just be a case of us being inherently lazy. I've never know a university to have its own hotel either. It was very nice. Had a lovely Guinness and steak pie to sort me out. Had to get taxis again back to the venue and started getting ready for the show. Good one tonight, nice response from the crowd assembled. Can be a bit tricky when you've had two weeks off because you lose the natural momentum but I'm happy to report that we went out all guns blazing like Butch Lesbian and the Lapdance Kid. Yeeeee-haaaaaw.


17/03/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Preparations began for putting the last show together today. It's quite sad really, I think I'm going to miss it. The whole process from thinking up ideas through to finally getting them assembled has been hilarious, if not wholly professional. No really.

Xain's final guest for tonight was none other than Howard Marks. Unfortunately, he never materialised so we had to resort to interviewing Graham the Bear who'd been Eggsy's special guest all week. It worked out quite nicely really. If "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry" then it's ironic that the backup plan should work even better than the original. The only thing was that Graham had already had a number of ales in the BBC 70's Club so was feeling 'thoroughly refreshed' but that just made things even funnier. Nice one the Bear.

Once the show had finished, we thanked everyone involved, said our fond farewells and headed back home. As it was St. Patrick's Day, I was sorely tempted to go out on the lash but it was already late and I was feeling tired. So I got home, ditched the car, got a lift down town and started speed drinking. It's not a new method. As you may have gathered, this is when you know you've only got a limited time to get on it and everyone else is already miles ahead. Break on through to the other side.

I ran into an old acquaintance down the boozer, a lovely lass by the name of Claire. Back in the day we'd try to keep each other's spirits up in the Dark Ages of internet support call centre hell. This would mostly take the form of singing songs, telling jokes, punching each other, throwing stuff round and nipping out for fags. We relived these moments and more over a few drinks and came to the conclusion that (in those days at least) we were Ultimate Dossers. We wasted time because it wasn't ours and we couldn't do what we wanted. Every single day was another soul-destroying battle against overwhelming forces of evil but we emerged on the other side, battle weary and mentally scarred but ultimately victorious. Thank you for everything my dear. At least we made it out alive.


16/03/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Had breakfast in Llandaff again with the other boys, then headed back to the office for more editing. It's like some kind of fucked-up work placement programme where men bordering on thirty are doing Youth Training Schemes all over again. Perhaps we should just restock the stationary cupboard, make some tea or do the photocopying...? Then again, we're actually having enough enjoyment doing what we're doing. Who'd have thought it...?

We're still all working on our separate tasks - I'm editing with MC Kneebone, Billy's sampling, Hattsy's researching, Ballsy's reading and Eggsy's stressing. Well I suppose someone has to. Ordered meatballs and chips from the canteen today. Surprisingly good, I managed to finish it all this time round. Good stuff. Wandered down the BBC 70's Club at the end of a hard day in the office, enjoyed a lovely Bow and tried to play the theme tune to 'Red Dwarf' on a wonky old piano while the others were playing pool. Still no go on the wooden Technics as they were having some kind of serious meeting next door.

Wandered up to the Studio and settled in for the night. Xain's guest for tonight was Robot Master Mike Reddy, Doctor of Computing, Cybernetics and Cyborgs. Eggs brought GtB back for more. We found out that Robot Master Dr. Mike Reddy's favourite robot ever is R2-D2 as this was the first ever robot character in popular culture to convey emotions and information without talking. We also discussed Asimov's Laws of Robotics, nanobots, implants and lasers coming out of your eyes. Robot Master Dr. Mike Reddy also had the unsettling theme music from The Terminator to talk over the top of. It sounded great. Why not recreate the moment for yourself with this top notch professional high quality recording...?


Click Robot Master Dr. Mike Reddy


Everything seems to be coming together at last. It's satisfying to see and hear the culmination of two weeks work and preparation. It's just a shame we've only got one show left.


15/03/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Picked the other boys up and headed over to Llandaff for some munch before we got started back in the BBC office. Had to re-edit each of the prerecords to between 2 - 3 minutes each which was a bit of a nightmare. Once done, became disillusioned with the BBC canteen food again and popped over to the BBC 70's Club. Had a Bow, another game of darts and just chilled for a bit. It's nice to have a bit of time to prepare yourself between working in the day and doing the show in the night.

Soon enough it was time to venture upwards again and the Studio began calling. Before the show kicked off, one Chris Needs popped in to say hello and invite us all into his lovely 'friendly garden'. It was a great honour. Apparently, I'm M14314 in the garden. Xain's guest tonight was none other than our old friend, Everton Smith (see 14/09/05) whereas Eggs just decided to bring GtB along again.

We managed to get the science worked out so that every time Everton started talking, the intro from 'Kung Fu Fighting' would start playing on a loop. In the meantime, he managed to answer such burning issues as how chi energy works (something to do with breathing and auras), who was harder: Chuck Norris or Bruce Lee (Brucie Bonus, hands down) and how to do a one-inch punch. The latter he tried out on our resident scientist, Adam Hussain who promptly flew across the room screaming. Although this was great for us visually, it didn't work so well on radio so we had to suspend our disbelief and dutifully report back everything we'd just witnessed to our listeners. I don't think our fevered explanations really had the kind of impact that Adam felt but hey, it's all a learning curve in this game.

Everton was good enough to leave us with a memento of our previous visit to his dojo at Karate World. Check it out - Ninja Academy...!




14/03/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Woke up, hooked up with Eggs, Ballsy, Hattsy and Billy and went for food. Enjoyed a chilli bean burger and salad (hey, look after yourself) and headed off to the BBC again. Had to take a diversionary route to avoid getting caught up in roadworks on the M4. Edited some more prerecords down with MC Kneebone. He's very patient and knows just how to deal with idiots like us. The rest of the boys were busy doing their own things in the office. Billy was editing audio samples down to use in the show, Hattsy was researching questions for the guests, Ballsy was scouring the papers in search of outrage and Eggsy was trying to stick the whole thing together with his own brand of shit and sellotape.

Back down to the canteen. Made the mistake of ordering corned beef hash made with lentils and chips. Even the gravy had a crust on. Sick. Made a move to the BBC Club/70's Lounge. Local radio legend Frank Hennessy was having one of his regular folk nights tonight so we couldn't do an impromptu Aphex Twin on the Wooden Technics. Instead we went next door, got some ciders and beers in and had a game of Killer on the dartboard. There were a load of old ex-rental films on VHS and some wonky vinyl on the side. I had a look and fancied a film called 'Mad Mission' that had the classic 80's video cover art look, asked the bloke how much it was and he said I could just take it away. A Strongbow, a game of darts with friends and a shit video thrown into the bargain. Amazing.

Before long it was time to venture up to the studio again to prepare for the show. Xain's guests for the show were 'Newport Spooks', the Port's Premier Paranormal Investigation Agency, while Eggy brought Graham the Bear along. Went really well. Loads of support through texts and emails again. I think Tony, Mark and Colette from Newport Spooks enjoyed themselves too.

It's a lovely feeling finishing a radio show, then driving off into the night. I can't put my finger on it, I don't know what it is but it feels good. Perhaps it's a natural conclusion to having done something that you really enjoyed. I don't know. Got back and stuck on a documentary called 'In the Caverns of His Mind' all about Vivian Stanshall from the Bonzo Dog Band that Tony and Doris Surgeon gave me in Wolverhampton. The bloke was amazing. Proper off it but highly imaginative. He had incredible taste in facial hair too.




13/03/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Headed down to the BBC in Llandaff, Cardiff in the early afternoon to start editing some of the prerecorded stuff with the technical assistance of a kindly, patient chap called Chris Kneebone. Once done, we headed down to the BBC canteen for some munch. It was good food but still quite expensive for a subsidised restaurant. Mind you, at this stage I was hungry, tired and relieved we'd found somewhere to get some food before the madness commenced.

We headed over to the 'BBC Club', a strange isolated cabin to the side of the main BBC building. Inside, it's like a miniature Pebble Mill set with cider and beer. Proper 70's vibe. We had a couple of drinks and a chat about the show with some of the people who'd be helping us in the studio. Then we got bored so Xain had a go at entertaining us on a strange old wood-panelled electric organ he found in the corner. Weird thing was, it even had 'Technics' carved in the wood on the front. That's like finding drumsticks from the 15th Century with 'Zildjian' inscribed on the side. Truly, a strange Aladdin's cave of 70's delights. After an Eno & Fripp inspired soundscape, we headed up to the studio to start getting our shit together.

We bumped into Stuart Cable on the way who invited us onto his rock show to introduce ourselves to the listeners and have a quick chat. So it was I suddenly became self-conscious as I realised that me, Ballsy and Billy were all air-drumming to 'You Could Be Mine' by Guns'N'Roses in front of the ex-drummer of the Stereophonics. He seemed to take it all in good humour though and asked us if we'd consider coming on his show or taking the whole thing over completely for a session. We said that'd be great but we had our own shows to get through first. I mentioned the likeness between Cable and our own Dr. Cum in terms of looks, musical taste and accent and he laughed and seemed most interested.

On with the show. All seemed to go quite well. Adam had just returned from a weekend in Amsterdam and looked practically green. He explained that he'd spent the last 72 hours without sleep. Kneebone and the studio engineer looked unusually busy in the gallery next door, then one of them popped into the studio and asked us all to take our lovely leisure jackets off. Apparently, they were trying to trace the source of some feedback on the microphones and thought it might be a buildup of static from our fine selection of cheap trackie tops. We surrendered our leish without fuss and continued the show but the problem persisted. The only solution would be to move studios. Once a lengthy track had been identified, we grabbed all of our stuff and prepared for a mass exodus from one studio to another. Fun and games, eh? That seemed to be the worst thing that happened tonight. Once we were in the other studio, everything seemed to sort itself out nicely. Judging by the amount of texts and email we got on the first night, things were looking pretty encouraging for tomorrow.

Drove back home, jumped into bed, watched 'Drugstore Cowboy' then went to sleep. Delightful.


12/03/06 - Newport
Another load of snow delivered overnight today. Headed over to Eggsy's to work on more stuff for the radio show. The first show goes out tomorrow but it's really just us sat in a studio reading out the Welsh Music Charts as opposed to doing our own stuff. Still, should still be a laugh and a nice way of getting ourselves warmed up for the real thing.


11/03/06 - Newport
Woke up at 6pm today. Fuck me, that's just not right. Perhaps being on tour has taken more of a toll on me than I'd previously imagined. Headed over to Graham the Bear's to watch a couple of films. 'Sky Blue' was my choice for the evening, a beautiful blend of CGI and traditional cel animation that took 7 or 8 years to make. Really lovely to look at with some breathtaking landscapes, it seemed to be a combination of Akira, Venus Wars and Fritz Lang's Metropolis. Have a jazz and get in nice.





10/03/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Back at the BBC. More work for the show. There's a whole load of research, field trips, reconnaissance and information gathering going on at the moment. A lot of work to do. So much work to do. Good to be busy though.


09/03/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
More radio stuff. Had to wander downstairs at the BBC to do a single review show with Mark Goodier and Danny McNamara from Embrace via the radio magic of ISDN. Of course, I was in some form of broom cupboard with headphones on and could hear them speaking but couldn't hear myself. Despite all this, they seemed very nice and it seemed to go pretty well. We had a chat about the Charlatans' new single, Kanye West, Morrissey and some other stuff that I've already forgotten about.


08/03/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Still working on stuff for the radio show. Got back from the BBC in Llandaff and fell asleep till 9pm. It would seem I still haven't recovered from the tour just yet. Fuck me, I'm knackered.


07/03/06 - Newport
Today the Goldie Lookin Chain were officially dropped by their record label Atlantic Records. I know it must be official as it was on Page 3 of the Sun next to a very distraught looking lady who had taken her clothes off she was so upset.


06/03/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
No rest for the wicked. Well, not long anyway. We've got a radio show to produce. BBC Radio Wales have invited us to run a show next week called Studio X. Basically, we're given free reign for a couple of hours to bash out content, prerecorded bits and bobs, tunage, live feeds, stabs, stings and other media industry buzzwords that I don't really understand. I can't wait.

It was Graham the Bear's birthday today so I popped over to wish him well. Lovely Graham. For those that don't know or haven't seen it yet, GtB's got his own online musings too - check em out here. They're amazing.


05/03/06 - London/Newport
So Celebrity Poker's the name of the game today. Mike played at 9am with Dexter Fletcher, Debbie McGee, Leslie Grantham and Michael Underwood. In my lot were Teddy Sherringham, Brandon Block, Sue Perkins and Dane Bowers.

Kicked off with an aggressive start and things were going well. I would say more but that would be spoiling it all. If you want to see how we fared, the show's called 'Showbiz Poker' and will be on Challenge TV in April.

Once the game was over, I said my goodbyes and headed back Portwise under cover of darkness. Really and truly it's got to be said, nothing soothes yer head like your own fuckin bed.


04/03/06 - Jersey/London
The rest of the boys flew back to Cardiff at 7.45am. Urrrgh. Luckily for me and Ballsy, we were flying back to London so were up at 10.45am instead. Come on...! Jersey Mike picked us up in his Land Rover V8 and we were soon flying down the back roads. Good secret knowledge. We even passed Bergerac's house although that could have been anyone's. I trust Jersey Mike though and it did look like the kind of place Bergerac would hang out in.

Got to the airport, had some well needed breakfast (hadn't eaten since Bournemouth) and waved Jersey Mike off. He waved in response, turned round, drove past and chucked some oranges at us. Good old Jersey Mike. It'd be a bit complicated but me and Ballsy would have to navigate our way to Shepherd's Bush ourselves. Got the plane ok, that seemed easy enough. Landed at Gatwick again. Had to figure out how to get to and use the shuttle service but that wasn't really rocket science either. Arrived at Gatwick Terminal 2. Then hopped on an express train to Victoria Station with seconds to spare. Wicked. Got busted for not having tickets when we couldn't get through the barriers at the end but managed to get some at a ticket counter. It was only a tenner anyway. Got a taxi back to the hotel and checked in. Finally, the public and private transport journey came to an end from Land Rover to airplane to shuttle to train to taxi. Safe.

Hooked up with Dipper Nan who always comes to visit when he hears some of the boys are in town. We had some drinks, played poker for matches, grabbed something to eat and headed back to the hotel again. We managed to get back in time to watch Maggot doing a live link on BBC1 for Eurovision's 'Making Your Mind Up'. He was representing South Wales in revealing which song people had voted for for this year's UK Eurovison nomination. He smiled when he announced the winner, Daz Sampson's 'Teenage Life'. Later on I asked Maggot how it all went and he said,"Great, I had a lovely time although I was a bit tired. I spoke to Wogan and he was cool. He even swore. I've never heard Terry Wogan say 'fuck' before. I don't think a lot of people have".


03/03/06 - Gatwick/Jersey
Unable to sleep last night as I found myself the victim of a terrible although not unenjoyable scientific experiment. Just chilled in the back lounge with my headphones on and some lovely tunes.

Airports, as you might have gathered, are not one of my favourite places. More so when you're flying to a place that has a zero tolerance policy on bad boy misbeaviour. Even more so when you haven't had any sleep and you're still flying through time and space. Essentially, I just put my shades and headphones on and decided to block out the rest of the cold, unforgiving world.

We were met at the airport by a chap looking after us who we referred to as Jersey Mike. Lovely chap. He was quite happy to fill in all the blanks of our lack of knowledge of Jersey. Yes, Jersey is wicked in the Summer. No, we don't get any attitude out here because everyone knows everyone else. Yes, the birds are lovely. No, John Nettles of Bergerac fame has not received a knighthood. It's always invaluable to have someone who knows how all this shit works.

Jersey Mike dropped us off at a hotel where we all had a lovely lie down for a bit. Soon, time for an interview and soundcheck. Had a look round the venue, Fort Regent, seemed to be an impressive leisure centre type affair. Fuckin massive. Apparently it used to be a German military complex or something. Headed back to the hotel for a shower and lie down.

Showtime was soon upon us. Seemed a fairly good response but not amazing. It's always a bit tricky with flights in the morning to contend with, even more so with no sleep. Afterwards some of the boys headed off to Synergy, I went back to bed. Best place for me I reckon.


02/03/06 - Bournemouth/Gatwick
Slept in till 2pm. Good to get some sleep, even if it's only a few hours. Bournemouth is a crazy place that holds many fond memories for me. I lived here for 4 years back in the day. It feels good to be back. The Opera House too is one of my old stomping grounds. I was last here for New Year's Eve 1998, I think. They still have the treacherous staircase from the upper floor to the dancefloor where I once stacked it and tumbled the whole way down past a few bemused punters who made no attempt to stop me. Those were the days.

Had a wander round the club, smirking to myself remembering some of the things we'd get up to. Had a potter round Boscombe too, just to see what I could see. It was good chatting to the lovely people in the club who were looking after us. They all had similar stories of the golden age of South Coast clubbing. One such place that came up again and again was a club called the Manor (might have been on Matchams Lane...?) on the outskirts of Bournemouth. It was quite literally an old manor house that was converted into a club way out in the middle of the country. Along the lines of the old warehouse raves and gatherings in the middle of nowhere, half the fun was planning and getting to the event itself. Best club nights of my life. We once rented out a transit van to get about twenty of us down there, charging down country roads with the rest of us flying round in the back with no seats like a shit A-Team van. But hey, that's another story.....

Wicked response from the good people of Bournemouth. Afterwards we experimented with nitrous oxide - apparently a mild anaesthetic, rocket fuel and aerosol propellant. We'd never seen it before and decided to have a go. Bloody hell's bells. Dr. Cum had a go and looked like he went into some kind of mystic trance. Hilarious. Swaying about, distorted sound, maddening euphoria and then snapping out of it almost immediately like a waking dream. Crazy bollocks. Once again, before long it was time to go and Thom the tour manager was getting annoyed with having to round people up. It's a tricky job but he's more than qualified. Barking orders in a West Country accent at someone who's drunk and battered on nitrous isn't only surreal it's thoroughly entertaining.


01/03/06 - Newport - Maggot's Homecoming Extravaganza/Bournemouth
Woke up, grabbed some toast and headed down to the NCLA for soundcheck. The whole of Newport seemed to have been covered in heavy snow overnight like a proper Winter Wonderland. Fuckin freezing in the NCLA. We took it in turns to hold our numb hands over a crap heater backstage in scenes reminiscent of Victorian times, like a Newport version of Oliver Twist.

St. David's Foundation popped down and asked us to help in picking winners for a prize draw by sitting in a paddling pool and being showered with what must have been hundreds of thousands of tickets. I felt like Shakin' Stevens.

Hurried back home again, packed my stuff up and headed back down the NCLA to start getting ready. Big ups to Leeroy Fashions and Lloyd Ganja who decided to spend a good fortnight constructing another massive bong. This one even had a crown and was named 'King Whitey', a name my good brother Martin pH Balanced also shares. Had a good old fashioned rave up Newport style even if it was freezing bloody crazy bollocks outside. Full respect to everyone who managed to make it down despite the nasty weather.

Headed back home, showered, ditched the motor and headed off to the aftershow. Things were already in full swing by the time we got down. Loads of heads together in full safe attitude party mood. Wicked. A few hours passed and we had to call it quits to head off to Bournemouth for the next stage of the tour. I just didn't want to leave. Billy Webb got on the taxi case and assumed responsibility for the tour bus party. I've never seen him so strict but fair play to him, he got the job done.

Later on, I may or may not have stayed up the entire night, departed the bus in Boscombe, near Bournemouth accompanied by Killer Tomothy and set off in search of the sea. I'm simply not sure.


28/02/06 - Newport
It's the day before the Maggot Homecoming Extravaganza at the NCLA. Tomorrow, anything could happen. You'll recall me telling you about us with the Cardiff Arms Park Male Choir outside the Millenium Building down Cardiff Bay (see 06/02/06). Well - here is the result. Enjoy.

On another note, you may have worked out we've been a bit busy of late. Don't worry - the Musings will be back up to date before you knows it.


27/02/06 - Newport
Had a chat with Roy Noble about 'Breakdancing for Beginners' course down at the Riverfront Gallery in Newport. Then went back to bed again.


26/02/06 - Back in the Port
Highlight of the day...? Woke up to watch the closing ceremony of the Winter Olympics in Turin. Bizarre. Think it might have had some people from Montreal's acclaimed 'Cirque du Soleil'. Cue much piss-taking from the British hosts like Wogan on Eurovision and memories of the Simpsons with the 'Cirque de Purée' and comments like "I cannot get ze lid off my jar of rainbows. Who will help me?", etc.


25/02/06 - Bristol/Newport
And so onto the last show of this leg of the tour. Thank fuck. Hooked up with MC Walshy and went down to the Riverfront for some food. All seemed very posh. Headed back to the venue to prepare for the show.

A lovely live show to finish on. Bristol went ballistic again. Brilliant. Xain span some choonage for the aftershow. Our man Al Fresco did a few turns in entertaining the crowds, last time I spotted him, he was doing press-ups on stage with his top off. Met some lovelies down at the bar. Was a little worse for wear at this stage. Boomshackalack.

Got back to Newport at 4.45am. Horizontal standby mode most certainly order of the day.


24/02/06 - Portsmouth/Bristol
So Adam's been carted off to casualty. Utter madness. Had a wander on the path next to the sea attempting to look moody like in Brighton (see 02/12/05). I looked moody enough but no one was there to appreciate it. Had a look at the Napoleonic forts, they seemed pretty cool. I seem to recall a story about some people who lived on one but it might have been a joke. It'd be a crazy existence if they did. I've always fancied living in a lighthouse like in children's favourite, Portland Bill. I'd love to live in a solid building on the end of a rock in a Force 10 Gale having a jazz in the top bit where the light is, then going downstairs and getting in nice. It'd be painted in red and white stripes on the outside and have portholes instead of windows apart from one section that'd have a balcony where I'd have my breakfast overlooking the sea once the storm had calmed down. Fuckin yes. That's living alright.

Watched Series Two of 'Look Around You' in the afternoon, I'd never seen it before. Amazing. Adam returned after the compulsory 7/8 hour wait annoyed that he had to argue with a nurse to get crutches. She claimed that he wouldn't need them as he wouldn't be moving round anyway, just resting. He said something along the lines of "No you don't understand, I've got a pop concert to do, I can't let the kids down" to which she just thought he was taking the piss and still refused to let him have any crutches. It does beg the question how she expected him to get home to rest as he couldn't walk without assistance anyway but Adam being the resourceful young chap that he is, went round the corner and asked another nurse who assisted him immediately. Bloody rubbish.

I'm happy to report that Adam managed a sterling effort for the live show in Portsmouth and deserves a medal for his bravery in battling against all the odds. One of the more surreal moments in the show came when someone threw a pair of old Reeboks on stage. I wonder if they walked home barefoot...?


23/02/06 - Manchester/Portsmouth
Woke up to encounter loads of young crazies outside the bus who wanted tickets, food, autographs and items of clothing, amongst other things. Mind you, they presented us with a professionally laminated set of GLC Top Trumps in return, which was nice of them. We played a couple of games with these in the afternoon. I think Adam's card is one of the strongest to have.

Excellent show with another good crowd. I think it's fair to say that this is the best tour we've ever been on in terms of crowd response, enthusiasm and reception. The roar of the crowd before going on still reminds me of an amphitheatre in Ancient Rome. The adrenalin rush alone is enough. The physical buzz is good but the mental rush is incredible.

After the show, I met my mate Manchester Dom aka MC Kaos and some of his chums. Wandered down the road to the Big Hands bar where I met a lod of my cousins - Dave, Ant, Andy and their friend Mick. Also saw Tommo and Collette from 'Eat to the Beat' catering who looked after us on a previous tour and have always popped over to say hello when they've been around, lovely pair that they are.

I've always been funny about playing Portsmouth as something inevitably goes wrong. First time was when we were supporting the Darkness and we had volley upon volley of plastic bottles chucked at us. Second time was down at the Wedgewood Rooms where the PA went tits up and we had to entertain the crowd for half an hour with a music quiz, impromptu breakdancing masterclass, joke telling and general banter. Third time our tour bus caught fire on the way down and we quite literally had to abandon ship, grab all of our stuff and board another bus at 4am. I'm not normally that superstitious but something always tends to go wrong.....

This time round, three things happened. First off, four crazy dickheads decided to attack the bus resulting in a cracked windscreen and pissed off driver. Secondly, Adam stacked it on one of the monitors tonight and twisted his ankle to the extent that he couldn't walk on it without giving him pain (even whilst drunk so it must have been bad). Thirdly, some unknown mentalist managed to pour vodka all over the camcorder downstairs fucking it up completely. The Pompey Curse continues unabated.....


22/02/06 - Nottingham/Manchester
Back at Rock City again today. Amazing homecooked food in the venue to look forward to. The interior of Rock City always reminds me of Robot Wars. Looking round the bus, you can see the other inhabitants are falling apart at the seams, including myself. We need a bit of a rest I think. Wandered round the corner to a lovely hotel where we had a day room for lying down and washing purposes. Headed back to the venue for soundcheck then experienced a minor panic as I'd misplaced my phone. Retraced my steps back to the hotel room where it was lying on a bed. Phew. Had a wander up to the roof garden and disturbed some members of staff who'd been having a chat. They immediately stopped and separated - one began needlessly toying with tables, the other began dusting the already pristine bar down. I used to do that myself so knew all the signs of 'having a doss'. Headed back to the venue for some food. Had an amazing cottage pie with real vegetables, Yorkshire pudding and lovely gravy. Yes.

A good quality show was had by all. Today's Grand Charity Raffle prize was 'Telly Addicts', signed by the band. Met some lovely people from Sekonda after the show who promised to send us all posh watches. The sad thing is, I can't easily tell the time on an analogue watch. It takes me ages to work out which hand's which and what it means, by which point people are normally bored of showing me their watches and retract their hands or just think I'm generally weird. It's just one of those things that I never got round to learning.

Additional: It was quite late/early in the morning when the bus stopped in traffic for what seemed like an eternity. On further inspection, police helicopters could be spotted buzzing overhead and blue lights were flashing a little further on down the road. It seemed we were stuck in a police roadblock. Xain and Hi-Vis popped off complete with camera to find out what was going on. Turned out a known criminal who was on the run had nicked a car, turned it over going too fast round a bend and escaped into the woods. On the way from finding all this out, a lorry complete with trailer backed up and managed to collide with Xain who flew a few feet in the air but quickly managed to regain both his balance and composure. Could have been well nasty that.


21/02/06 - Newcastle/Nottingham
Woke up at the now traditional tour time of 12.30pm. Seems to do me some good. Headed out to find food. Found a shit cafe. Had shit breakfast. Adam went mental cos his pie and chips came without beans. After asking for beans three times and waiting 15 minutes, he ended up going downstairs and handing the waitress his plate before walking out in a dramatic fashion. It's getting to that stage of the tour where little things are viewed completely out of proportion. There's no such thing as 'the cold light of day'. There's just 'cold' and 'pain'.

Had another lie down in the afternoon, listened to some beatless ambient and nodded off in a very relaxing sleep. Accompanied Billy over to Burger King where we had a horrible meat product each. Met some lovely people who'd been waiting outside the main doors of the venue for ages. Big ups to you Street Warriors.

Wicked show. Met a nice girl called Jo who we'd met before from Galaxy FM who claimed her Godfather was none other than Ken Dodd. I wanted to speak to him directly but he wasn't picking his phone up so I simply left him a message in a scouse accent advising him that I was sorry to hear his Dad's dog was dead. Then repeated the original statement in terms of "Eh mate, y'know....Ken Dodd's Dad's dog's dead". Mature, no. Funny at the time, yes.

We started a trend tonight that carried on for another few shows - the Grand Charity Raffle. Tonight's main prize was Michael Barrymore's 'Strike It Lucky' board game, signed by the entire band and certainly not purchased for a few quid second hand down a local charity shop. No.

Additional: We're not sure why and it's certainly raised a few eyebrows on the tour bus before but 'Hi-Vis' aka Killer Tomothy becomes rather animated when he's asleep. Typical scenarios include shouting things at the top his lungs, punching the walls of his bunk and making a general disturbance. Tonight he took it a step further by waking up half asleep facing the wall of his bunk, believing himself to have been buried alive, he started screaming, "Let me out, let me out, AAAAARGH!" and began kicking and punching the bunk waking up everyone around him. Billy Webb reported that he and a number of other heads were poking out of the curtains trying to ascertain what was occuring. Mike Balls claimed he thought someone had got onto the bus and was physically assaulting Tom. Once the drama had passed, Tom dutifully got out of his bunk, apologised to all present and went back to sleep again. Of course, myself and Hattsy knew nothing about any of this, specializing in what we refer to as "Sleep of the Dead" or "HëavÿfµckënsleeÞën" as the condition is known.


20/02/06 - Glasgow/Newcastle
Billy had some kind of crazy sketch last night - he stayed out drinking at such exotic haunts as 'Mono' and 'Optimo' and only got back in the morning. Adam too had his own kind of sketch - he had to get from Newport to Glasgow today and made it in record time having also been transported to Cardiff and Belfast of all places. Adam magically appeared in full leish five minutes before showtime and looked thoroughly pissed off.

There's something a bit special about the Scottish shows. People tend to go crazy bollocks (even on a Monday as it was today) and it all goes right off. At one point tonight, a volley of drinks went up in the air in the style of an alcohol-based Mexican wave from the front of the crowd to the back. I'd never seen that before. It was like a homemade fireworks display made up of lager and beer.

Along with us on this tour we've been honoured to have Killa Kela and friends. A real lovely lively lot, multi-talented and very supportive. I'd been chatting and mentioned that I have problems losing my voice on tour. They suggested chopping up raw root ginger and chewing it to coat my throat. Apparently it works like a kind of natural anaesthetic. Gave it a go, coughed, tears came out of my eyes but I still carried on chewing. Spat it out at the end and stings like a bastard but fuck me, it actually worked. Good on you Killa Kela Krew.

Met Riz Eastborn, Psycho D and their mate Ewan after the show. Nice to see those mental boys. They're part of Dropzone Records. Check out some of their choons here. Well recommended. Fuckin nutters.


19/02/06 - Glasgow
Thank fuck, day off today in a hotel and everything. There was some kind of talent show going off in the hotel today too so that meant loads of excitable teenagers in reception who squealed when you walked past. Checked in, dropped the bags off, had a 5 minute lie down just to see what the beds were like, sighed deeply, got up and headed off to a posh place called 'Zinc' for some food.

On our travels we ran into what can only be described as a futuristic stainless steel tardis. It's like a tourist information point thing with a temptingly big red panic button that you can press if you're about to get kicked in or a herd of angry elephants are after you or something. Wicked. Can't help thinking that it's open to abuse though.

Got back to the hotel to engage 'chill mode'. Watched Ray Mears giving survivalist tips, the last episode of 'Rock School' with Gene Simmons and 'Final Destination II'. All quite enjoyable really. Had a really nice hot bath and a lovely soft stationary bed. Aaaaahhhhh.

I don't really watch a lot of televison any more. I'm normally too busy doing other things. A lot of the time I find it's better to read books and listen to music or stick a DVD on - at least then you've got some kind of control over what you're watching. One of the problems I find with the touring thing is developing sleeping patterns completely out of sync with the rest of society. As a result, you have to find ways and means of working and unwinding when everyone else is asleep or sleeping when everyone else is working or travelling to work and back. I'm not proud of it but I quite enjoy watching a program on late night ITV1 called 'Redcoats'. It's narrated by Andy Crane (of CBBC presenting fame along with Edd the Duck and Wilson the Butler) and follows the adventures of a number of young things at Butlins camps up and down the country in a bid to entertain the guests. It's bloody awful. From the terrible theme tune all the way through to the cringeworthy antics of the Redcoats themselves. It's on at 3.30 in the morning and I love it.

Perhaps it's down to me witnessing the dark side of Butlins on a trip to Minehead one wasted weekend. Back in the day, some of my mates had saved up some tokens in the Mirror or something that meant we could go down for a nominal fee. We headed off, had a great time, got hammered, nicked loads of comedy items (including a full set of garden furniture and an ice-cream sign with concrete bottom) and met a lad we'd gone to school with who'd become a Redcoat. He allowed us back to the staff bar that resembled the warehouse in 'Dirty Dancing' with long benches where all sorts was taking place. Couples were practically shagging in corners, some were lying round being sick on themselves, others were stripping for the benefit of the opposite sex. It was great and made us realise what we'd been missing out on as mere punters. About three months later, we read that the same place had been raided and a massive quantity of drugs had been discovered. I suppose that's what I was waiting to see evidence of in 'Redcoats'. I think I may be some time.


18/02/06 - Sheffield/Glasgow
Headed up to Sheffield snoozing aboard the good bus 'Mothership'. Looked like they were still building the club when we got in - turned out that they were fitting an aerial so the boys could watch football. How thoughtful. It was derby day in Sheffield today - Sheffield United versus Sheffield Wednesday so a lot of places were on full alert. Ballsy got turned away from a pub for looking 'too casual'. Obviously he wasn't best pleased as he'd only gone in to watch the match anyway.

Our support slot was filled by 'Domino Bones', Bez's band. There was a bit of concern in the Bones' camp as they'd only just managed to find a replacement drummer but more importantly the guitarist had been on a three day bender, was completely hammered and looked fit to drop. To this day I still don't know what happened when they went on but Bibs maintains that it was one of the best examples of rock'n'roll behaviour he's seen in years.

Twenty seconds into our set and the electrics went. We later discovered it was the power shower backstage that kept tripping the fusebox for the whole club. They should have got Graham the Bear to give them a hand, he'd have wired them up to a lampost Phoenix Nights style.

Despite this minor electrical setback, they soon got to the source of the problem and the show continued unhindered. Saturday night in Sheffield went off with a right old bang. We had showers in a hotel round the corner and headed back to the club again to meet Bibs, Miranda, Sally, Zoë and Hannah. Had a lovely time having delightful chats and downing sambucas then had to head back to the bus for 2.30am. Boo. On board, the party vibe continued till about 6.45am. I found Dr. Cum with black masking tape wrapped round his face, out of his head. Says it all really.


17/02/06 - Norwich/Sheffield
DJ Killer Tomato aka Hi-Vis aka Tomothy has been helping out on the tour with various things such as DJing, helping us out on stage, cleaning shit up, supplying drinks, reclaiming leisurewear and just being all round safe. He's instantly noticeable as he enjoys wearing what he refers to as 'Hi-Vis', a large, fluorecent yellow, position-of-authority-style waterproof outdoors jacket. At approximately 4.30am this morning, Hi-Vis and Billy decided to pose as gas men and see if they could infiltrate any of the halls of residence purely to test the levels of student security as well as giving them a chance to practice their blagging skills. Cue a Japanese student looking very confused, allowing them to enter and have a wander about. They had an explore, saw another man lying asleep in a bed, had a conversation with the student in his kitchen then made their excuses and left. All in a day's work for Hi-Vis and Bill.

Woke up at 12.30pm and heard the story above. Amazing. Mobile Games Crew continued to grow in the dressing room as Eggy scoured the net in search of stuff to pass the time. Newly acquired items include: New high quality darts (the others got smashed up within 10 minutes), a golf putting set with putter (automatically returns your golf balls if you hit them correctly, ultimate yuppie device from the 80's) and a '20 Questions' multiple player quiz (artificial intelligence that claims to 'read your mind' and can guess what you're thinking of within twenty questions).

Lovely reception as ever from Norwich. Good old show. Very excitable crowd which is always nice to see. Well done.


16/02/06 - Wolverhampton/Norwich
Slept in till 2pm, needed that. According to other band members, I was contorting my face and rolling my eyes with delight and the effects of the cake last night. Took it easy today. Most exciting thing I undertook was a mission to Maccy Dee's. There are some days ripe for adventure and others where it pays to simply 'get in nice'. I opted for the latter today. Turned out to be time for soundcheck as soon as we returned from our quest so we left our shit food to go cold and enjoyed slightly warm fries and a burger with the consistency of dry cardboard later on. Yay.

The dressing room was reminiscent of a Romanian war bunker. Mike Balls and Xain were determined to set up 'MGC' or 'Mobile Games Crew' and went to town (quite literally) on a dartboard complete with 70's wood cabinet and wall attachments. Ballsy's determined to go pro and is using his free time on tour to practice.

Another good show, really good reception from the Wolves crowd. Tony and Doris Surgeon popped down to say hello, lovely to see them. Big ups to you two. Decided to have an early night though it wasn't the same for all of us.......


15/02/06 - London/Wolverhampton
Wooooooooooah. Woke up very tired at about 10am. Just been kicked off the bus for a day. Proper spaced out. Finding it extremely hard to concentrate. Keep daydreaming at inopportune moments: crossing the road, in mid conversation with people or just when I'm supposing to be paying attention to things. Going to be one of those proper surreal days today. Me, Billy and Adam are all in similar states as we had special cake last night.

Checked into a day room at the Jury's Hotel round the corner from the Astoria. Had a well-deserved lie down for a bit. Had to head down to My Hotel to play online poker for Ladbroke's. It was the first time I'd ever played online. Seemed cool but wasn't into the '15 second make your mind' up limit. Got back to the Astoria and had an interview for Chantelle off of Big Brother's new show on Channel 4. Had a filmed interview with the NME straight after with a lovely American lass called Heather. She was nice.

Another good show as part of the NME Brat Awards or something. Met Rula Lenska again who'd come down to review the show for the NME. Met a band called the Infadels who seemed very cool. Had to run the 'Three Shit Shower Gauntlet Challenge' downstairs. This involves using showers with no temperature control where you just press a button and the water comes out. You've approximately 15 - 20 seconds to wash before the water gets too hot and you move onto the next shower and do the same. To anyone watching, it must have looked fucking ridiculous as I ran from one shower to the next calculating how long I had to wash parts of my bosy or limbs in between bouts of screaming and swearing. I later found out that Billy Webb had used exactly the same technique while everyone else had gone back to the hotel for a decent, non-scalding shower. It's good to know I wasn't suffering alone.

Headed off to the aftershow across the road in a place called 'Sin'. Met Bibs, Mr and Mrs 2-Fat, Abby and Zoë (aka the Charm Skoolers), Skunkchild and all the other heads. Big ups to you all. Who was the campy gentleman from the West Country with a pastel pink, green and white Naf Naf original on? He was amazing and wrecked out of his head. Had a lovely surprise meeting with K*23 - remember luv, we'll always have Berlin. Knows it makes some kind of sense. Hooked up with Normski, nice to see him in an area. Made the right decision in taking cans of Bow into the aftershow. Fucked if I'm paying £4.50 for a pint of something I didn't really want anyway. I'd encourage everyone to do the same.

Got back to the bus and had some more cake with Billy. As Maggot would say (and does so often), "Well, you've got to haven't you".


14/02/06 - Liverpool/London
Woke up, didn't have a fuckin clue where I was. Disorientation early on in a tour is normal, even welcomed sometimes. Met some chaps from Front magazine who joined us in a quest for food. While the quest continued, Maggot got distracted trying to fend off excitable schoolgirls. Headed down Nando's for meat, bread and a delicious selection of peri-peri sauces. Of course, being Valentine's Day, everythig was booked up. Eggy engaged his charm mode and managed to get us all seated upstairs.

Liverpool show went really well. Another good way to start a tour. Judging from the rest of my scribblings, I must've got completely hammered that night. To explain, I've tried updating the Musings online whilst on tour previously. This resulted in me swearing loads and jeopardising a leisure centre's network security. To this end, I've resorted to writing my experiences down day by day then transferring them from traditional paper storage to digital format upon my return home. It seems to work quite well apart from when we're away from home for ages or on tour for large amounts of time. Funkatronik.

Additional: I've just figured out what all the unintelligible scribblings were about. A lovely lady called Wendy presented us with a special chocolate space cake as a thank you to giving her and her boyfriend a shout out on their anniversary in Liverpool. It had a green coloured strong weed tasting sponge in the middle and a hash chocolate fondant coating on the outside. I've had a few before and they've tasted alright but this was truly amazing, legendary some might say. It even came with a nice note that warned us not to have too much as it would put us on our arses. Bit late for that.


13/02/06 - Newport/Liverpool
Had to head down to the Red Dragon building down Cardiff Bay for an impromptu three song performance and meet and greet session. We were all sat round a big table as people came in. It felt like we were holding some kind of business conference or careers advice session. "Want to survive on little sleep, hardly any food, twice weekly mental breakdowns and astronomic alcohol and jazz intake...? Join GLC!"

Good to be back on the bus again. We had a quick run through the set to work out which tracks had changed and which remained the same. It's never static, it evolves constantly and as such we need to adapt our minds accordingly just to keep up.

Had a few Bows. Adam had some too. I handed him a Strongbow and he pointed above my bunk to indicate where another can was situated. I grabbed it and said, "Haaaaaa! Nice one Adam, I thought my cider sense was tingling". Either he didn't hear me, didn't get it or didn't think it was funny. I, on the other hand, thought it was hysterical. Then again, I had been drinking.


12/02/06 - Newport
The Musings have now been fully updated before I depart on tour. My bags are packed. My mind is focused. All that leaves is for me to have a decent nights sleep and I'm sure I'll be able to cope with the rest that life has to throw at me......I hope.


11/02/06 - Reykjavik/London/Newport
The Goldie Lookin Chain may need to employ some form of travel agent to both foresee and prevent the necessity of waking up at 5.20am after a heavy night out in central Reykjavik. It's official. Apparently the next day I was sleeping at literally every opportunity. In the car, snoring on the floor of the airport lounge and generally being wholly unresponsive. Well, what do you expect...?

As it was a fairly quiet flight back (no-one in their right mind gets up at 5.20am to catch an aeroplane anyway), I did the classic 'make three empty seats into a bed' thing and seemed to piss off the flight attendents no end with my refusal to put a seatbelt on. Judging from how much I reeked of booze, they should have understood my predicament. Back at Heathrow, I got distracted trying to prevent my trolley from tipping over and lost everyone else. Even worse, the battery on my phone died as I forgot to get a universal adapter to charge it while I was out in Iceland. I couldn't find anyone and was separated for what seemed like ages. Luckily, in my wandering round in a daze, I came across Maggot who allowed me to use his phone to contact the rest of the dickheads. With my French travel pillow fully inflated (good investment of a single Euro that), I dozed all the way back to the Port.

Here's the great bit - how long did I remain in horizontal standy mode once back safely in my own bed...? Bearing in mind, lack of sleep, travel time, uncomfortable dozing conditions and booze levels amongst everything else...? Went to bed at 6pm and woke up at 1pm the next day. Almost a clear day. I'll just have to try harder next time.


10/02/06 - NASA Nigtclub, Reykjavik
Up at 8am for breakfast radio shows. Went to one and they gave us some kind of spirits to try. Too much for me in the morning. Went outside and had a lie down while no-one was looking. Picked myself back upagain, dusted myself down and wandered off for the next interview. At one radio station the DJ was talking about dog porn having been prompted by us asking if he had any. He told us that his mate had a copy of 'Gay Dogs and Boys' that we could watch if we wanted. Amazing to think that this was going out at about 8.45am. He then gave us a graphic explanation of exactly what it entailed but I'm sure you can work it out simply from the title.

Headed back to Hotel Odinsve for a sleep. Then had a soundcheck down at the venue called NASA. Next thing I knew we were driving out to the Blue Lagoon that Hattsy was on about in his last visit to Iceland (see 08/01/06). Didn't really knew what to expect but never thought it'd be something as impressive as this. It was like a Bond Villain had suddenly gotten fed up of taking over the world and decided to give something back to society with his ill-gotten gains. Check out the virtual tour too.

The whole thing's proper hi-tech. You get these 'Logan's Run' style bracelets that operate your locker (no coins) and allow you entry and exit to the place itself. With that we braced ourselves for the cold outside and charged into the warm natural springs of the Blue Lagoon. Hattsy wasn't wrong. It's absolutely fuckin amazing. It does something to you. Invigorates and relaxes. We're talking deep relaxation here. You can float round for a bit and look at the clouds. You can go and get battered by a natural waterfall. You can go and get some white mud stuff, stick it on your face and get proper tribal. We found a quiet corner and had a couple of jazz between us courtesy of our Icelandic connection who had not only made a couple of pre-rolls but decided to pack it with a lighter in a plastic bag too. Fuckin top of the world. We had a bit more of a float round for an hour or so, had a look at the steam rooms and saunas, bit more floating then got out again. I almost fell over immediately after getting out. It's weird what it does to you, I felt utterly wasted. I suppose the jazz didn't help really but I reckon this must be what Walhalla's like.

Somewhere along the lines I lost my Logan's Run bracelet. Now, bearing in mind that these are used to allow you to both enter and exit the vicinity, it looked like I'd be spending the rest of my life here. I didn't really mind but did have a show to perform. After a spot of shouting across the cafeteria, another bracelet was located and I was freed. Decided to buy an Icelandic hot dog. Well, why not? I was basically standing round looking as confused as a mad dog on a comedown. We headed back to Reykjavik for some munch and another couple of hours well-needed sleep. Everyone was out of it but loved the experience. Like Hattsy said - if you've got the chance, don't miss it. This is like nothing else you'll ever know. Just don't operate heavy machinery afterwards and have a little sleep if you can.

The show went very well - good to see a foreign decent sized crowd responding in kind. Afterwards, we headed back for a shower then went to a place called Kaffibarinn. Apparently it's partly owned by Damon Albarn or something but I didn't believe a word of it. All the same, top place and well recommended. Specialize in alcoholic shots of 'Fisherman's Friend' - that'll clear your fuckin sinuses and Viking beer. Had a lovely chat with our very special competition winners Vicky and Cathy, got hammered again with Glenn who was supposed to be looking after them and got back to the hotel very late and very drunk.




09/02/06 - Newport/London/Reykjavik
I don't know too much about Iceland. From what I can remember hearing about it, it's got a kind of lunar landscape feel with craters and very dark soil. I'm not certain but I think its land mass is purely volcanic which means its nearer to certain cracks in the Earth's crust causing natural phenomenon such as geysers and hot springs. Oh and heated pub debates that include lines like, "Magnus Magnusson was him out of Mastermind, Magnus Ver Magnusson is the one that's hard as fuck".

Had to be up at 8.30am and got a minibus down to Heathrow. Rammed a couple of pints in at a fake airport pub then recalled *Hattsy's Handy Hints* (see 07/01/06) and stocked up on top quality booze. Had some kind of crazy chicken kiev thing on the plane then slept for a bit. We were collected in some massive crazy white 4x4 things at the airport, met competition winners Vicky and Cathy along with BBC chaperone Glenn and set off on our merry way to Reykjavik. Looks like we'd picked the right bus to travel in as there was loads of 'Thule' beer for us to enjoy. Got to Reykjavik and checked into a crazy hotel called Hotel Odinsve or something. It was amazing inside, very clean and had lots of stuffed seabirds decorating the corners. Adam enjoyed stroking some stuffed puffins and making pigeon noises.

We headed out for some food and went to a proper posh restaurant place. Everything is very expensive in Iceland but no one seems to know why. There weren't that many traditional Icelandic options available so I opted for lasagne and chips along with Cath. Proper winter fare. Talking of which, they only seem to be getting eight hours of sunlight at the moment and when it comes it's always accompanied by these massive rolling black clouds lending a very ominous presence to the place. These seem to be illustrated in every Icelandic painting I looked at too, almost as though they were some form of Icelandic trademark or perhaps they're just present all year round. Maybe they represent some form of ancient Nordic gods keeping an eye on their citizens, who knows.

Next on the agenda was a lovely bar called Sirkus where we got hammered for want of a better term. It reminded me of Le Pub in Newport with a crazy upstairs bit where all the lovely Icelandic types go. Top notch. Check out the palm trees painted on the outside and the tin roof. Wouldn't look out of place in Home and Away's Summer Bay next to the caravan park. Alf Stewart would get pissed one afternoon and smack someone for taking the piss out of his Surf Club.




08/02/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Picked up Maggot and drove to BBC Radio Wales in Llandaff for an interview with Roy Noble today. He's hilarious. He'd dressed up in his leisurewear and gold again just for the occasion. Had a lovely chat then headed back to Newport to hook up with Huw Stephens for some filming.

As I mentioned before, I don't want to spoil too much for people watching the documentary but here are some of the things you'll bare witness to when you tune in: Certain members of the band in an erotica shop browsing adult titles, an unnamed member looking for a shopmobility upgrade, a couple of members slumming it in a shit flat and two members taking part in what appears to be some form of medieval sacrifice ceremony, a bit like the Wicker Man. Look out for it end of March some time.


07/02/06 - Newport
Had to accompany Maggot down the passport office today to get his passport renewed before we fly to Iceland on Friday. Proper sketch. An appointment was booked for 10.30am. Managed to wake him up at 10.15am. Got photos done down the train station and dropped him off for 10.38am. Saw him at 11am only to be informed that he needed to get his photos countersigned so had to find someone who's defined as a 'professional'. Not just that though - someone deemed a professional who had their passport details on them. So began a tedious process of phoning people up and trying to locate various people in Newport - all before 1.30pm.

Managed it in the end though and Maggot's application was accepted. He'd have his renewed passport tomorrow, just in time. All in a day's work. Safe.


06/02/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Had to head down to Pillgwenlly in the middle of Newport to open the new Big Issue Cymru offices today. There were loads of people down there with Maggot the centre of attention. He did very well. There were speeches, cutting of ribbons, buffet lunches and all sorts. Paul Flynn (MP for Newport) was down there too and gave a lovely speech about us.

Next off, we headed to Cardiff Uni to have a run through the set before the tour kicked off. Always good to be on our toes when it comes to the live show. Anything could happen and quite often does. Headed off to Cardiff Bay for some munch. Half of us went to Pizza Express with the other half heading to Old Orleans for meat malarky. Shouldn't have bothered, it was fuckin horrible although the service was very good. That's always a shame.

We had to head over to the Millenium Building down Cardiff Bay way for some filming with the BBC. They'd organised for us to sing "Come On Feel the Noize" by Slade along with the Cardiff Arms Park Male Choir. They were brilliant. They kept on bursting into spontaneous songs to keep everyone's morale up. The brilliant sound coming from that many old blokes was amazing but it was their pride that impressed me the most. They didn't care what anyone thought, they were with their mates, their comrades and they loved to sing. Fair play to those boys.

Should be on BBC1 Wales sometime in the lead up to the Wales versus Ireland rugby clash. Look out for it, yo.


05/02/06 - Cardiff/Newport
Woke up out of my head in a strange bedroom. Really didn't understand what was going on and felt very dizzy, disorientated and slightly afraid. Stood up and fell over so got back into bed and slept till 3pm. Must have been a good one last night.


04/02/06 - Newport/Cardiff
Every now and then you go out, hook up with chums, have a few drinks, get a bit rowdy and have a bloody good time. Sometimes, even though you had a 'bloody good time', you can't remember a lot of it due to not having anything to eat beforehand. I made this mistake today.

Popped over to Cardiff to say hello to some friends I hadn't seen in ages along with Marky Mark, Kevaldo, Toddy Vegas and Pigfarmer Rich. We had a lovely time reminiscing Kevaldo's stag do. I'd been picked to perform best man duties and had to sort everything out. We decided the best way forward would be to dress up as pirates and hire out a 16-berth canal barge for a weekend. Cue much drinking, singing, dancing on the roof of the boat, colliding with other boats, apologizing in pirate accents, going 'aaargh' a lot and referring to beer as 'grog'. It was fuckin brilliant and well recommended. All traditional pirate songs aside, we found that the most unlikely songs made for excellent pirate singalongs. Kylie Minogue's 'I Should Be So Lucky', Erasure's 'Stop' and the theme tune from Tetris all made excellent pirate singalong numbers. The latter would be sung building up to some form of drunken crescendo that then leads into the next rendition and so on, ad infinitum. A very limited number of us came away with voices still intact after that weekend.

After a good few drinks and sing-songs, we decided it would be best to venture out to a steak house in Cardiff town. I can't remember any of this and most of it was only recounted to me the very next day. The only steak house open at this stage is called 'Charleston's' at the end of Chip Alley (aka Caroline Street) and boasts extortionate prices but very big steaks. You too can enjoy a steak as big as your head surrounded by door staff who've just knocked off and need fresh meat to keep themselves aggressive. Apparently I enjoyed a steak as big as my head. Apparently I was singing on the way home. Apparently I instigated a game of poker. Apparently I was found lying underneath the poker table snoring in the morning by a lovely young lady who then encouraged me to lie down in a lovely soft bed. Well done luv, top marks.


03/02/06 - Newport
Headed down to Graham the Bear's with the sole intention of meeting him and going down town. Didn't happen and thankfully so. We began drinking steadily, had a couple of jazz and then had a dance off in the living room to 60's and 70's cult TV soundtracks. It was very good but even better to watch, I'd imagine.

Graham the Bear made up a song in three parts earlier today. It illustrates a day in his life. The first is called 'Mysty on the Phone'. The second is entitled 'Going to Town with Adam'. The third is simply referred to as 'Mike's Car'. I'll have to employ some science and get it all up here - it goes on for about 10 fuckin minutes or something but it's an acoustic extravaganza not to be missed.


02/02/06 - Newport
Had a meeting with Huw Stephens, James Hale and some media people today about the possibility of filming a documentary next week. Apparently we're all pairing up (I'm with Ballsy) and then we have to act out various scenes or something. Mine would involve human sacrifice apparently. Didn't want to ask too many questions at the time so I'm still quite mystified.

Don't want to say too much here in case it spoils the surprise like but then again I don't really know anyway.


01/02/06 - Newport
Had a day of intense internet science today. Not a lot else went on.


31/01/06 - Newport - National Evs Day
Five years ago today we all lost a very good friend. His name was Richard Evans and he was one of the true Kings of Newport. We hook up on the 31st January each year to go and see him and celebrate his life. We've all got favourite memories of Evs. He was heavily into the Stone Roses and could often be seen wearing a flowerpot hat particularly in the height of Summer. It had a draw pocket on the side for jazz concealment purposes. I can remember him doing impressions of Sean Connery in the back of a minibus saying, "Shex Mish Moneypenny, come back to mine for hot shex".

If things had worked out differently, Evs would have been the 9th member of the Chain. However, we believe it's testament to the Power of Evs that we've come as far as we have. He watches out for us, keeps us out of trouble and provides a helping hand for those weird coincidences that somehow always seem to work in our favour. Cheers Rich, thanks for your help, have a jazz for us mate.
"That's a lovely leisure activity top Evs, how much was that then...?".
Evs leans on the bar with a fresh pint in one hand and a cheeky grin on his face, readying up for one of his now-legendary retorts,
"More than you'll ever know son, more than you'll ever know".


30/01/06 - Newport
Maggot was on 'Richard & Judy' today. Left the telly on but was involved in internet science and missed the entire thing. For fuck's sake.


29/01/06 - London/Newport
Nearly missed the cars today - woke up at 8:23am as opposed to 8am. Frantically pulled my leisurewear on and legged it down to reception where everyone was waiting for me. I'm normally very good at this kind of thing, it's just that I've been indulging in proper heavy sleeping recently. Well, it's not even heavy sleeping, it's more like heavy-duty sleeping. Industrial-strength sleeping. Proper lights are out, no-one's home kind of stuff. For a long time, I believed that we're all mystically transported to a different plane of existence when we sleep - how else could things happen and not wake people up....? Car alarms, sirens, thunder, earthquakes. I've slept through them all.

Headed back to Elstree Studios again. Had a look outside the George Lucas Studio, nothing going on there really, just a massive warehouse despite the exciting name. This was our chance to wander round the Big Brother house and see what it was all really like. Proper crazy set up. It was all a bit too 'lab rats in a medical experiment' for me. Obviously there are cameras and mics all over the place and that's weird for a start. Then there's the fact that the lighting inside the building is all controlled to simulate sunlight and stuff but can be changed to mess with your head. It's just got a really odd feel to it. Sinister yet homely, like a kids TV show set because of all the primary colours used. Weird and yet normal. You'd get used to it and still be on edge without ever knowing why.

It was funny watching Maggot interact with all the celebrities but really strange having them sat a few feet away from you instead of being separated by a glass screen. Proper odd. Rula recognised me from the other night and gave me a lovely smile and a little wave. Maggot was presented with a prize for leisurewear or something and given a big book of photos from the show. We had a quick television style crack at 'Maggot at Midnight' (ie. about a minute's worth), sat around chillin and cheering for the rest of the show then headed off back to Newport.


28/01/06 - London
Didn't have anything to do till 4pm, so stayed in bed till the latest I possibly could. Wonky as fuck. Went out for some food with Maggot afterwards. As soon as he stepped out of the hotel door, there was a bloke walking backwards snapping away, taking pictures and asking him to look at him. Hilarious. Maggot seemed to find it all quite funny too.

We got back to the hotel again and sat up drinking giving our various verdicts on how Maggot had fared with the whole Big Brother thing. It seemed he had no idea of just how big a reaction the show had generated. It was interesting to get his view on the inside and the various conversations and things said that were too controversial to be aired. Tired and emotional several hours later, we made our weary ways back to our beds again. I for one was very happy to return to my duvet tent and research horizontal standby modes in foreign environments.


27/01/06 - Newport/London - *MAGGOT LEAVES THE CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER HOUSE*
So this is it, he's made it past the last hurdle, now we just have to see how he does in the final sprint....

Had words with a GMTV camera crew in the afternoon. Adam's had a freeview box since the start of the year with the sole intention of watching Maggot on Big Brother but could never get it to work properly. The camera dude wanted to have the live feed on in the background so had a look and found out Adam hadn't plugged the aerial in. That's modern living alright. It was working just in time for us to witness Maggot getting out of bed and putting his trousers on so we all gave him a mighty cheer. Huzzah!

Headed down to London for the grand event. Checked into the hotel, hooked up with Dipper Nan then headed off to Elstree Studios in a place called Borehamwood. I was very excited both for Maggot and the grand scale of the thing and the fact I hadn't seen him for ages. We went to the Green Room where Dennis Rodman was just hanging round outside looking moody. Dipper went straight up to him, insisted on shaking his hand and explaining that he was a mate of Maggot's. Rodders responded by looking painfully confused as Dipper launched into his rambling diatribe of all things Newport. Inside was looking a bit crowded but we managed to spot George Galloway, Faria Alam, Rula Lenska (real name and title: Countess Roza-Marie Leopoldnya Lubienska) and friends. No sign of Jodie Marsh though.

We were all told it was almost time for the first of the evictions so were escorted down outside the Big Brother house where we were all penned in by metal gates and fences. It all seemed very surreal. I won't dwell over the evictions. First three went out in this order: Traci Bingham, Pete Burns then Samuel Preston. The latter caused upset in the crowd as they all thought he'd be one of the last to leave. So, that was the first lot then. We thought it was over for a bit so headed back to the warmth and relative comfort of the Green Room only to hear Davina McCall announcing Maggot as the next one out. We thought we were going to miss his big exit but it turned out he had another half-hour to kill in the house till he had to leave. They had to make special rules up for our kid.

When Maggot came out of the house, the crowds went crazy. Everyone cheered. Then, powered up by alcohol and adrenalin, the assembled members of the Chain Crew instigated a wonderfully slow chant culminating in near-religious frenzy: "MAAAAA-GOT! MAAAAAA-GOT! MAAAAAAA-GOT!"

You can read a transcript of his eviction interview right here. The whole scene seemed reminiscent of the ecstatic crowds of the colosseum in Ancient Rome with Maggot as a mighty gladiator who'd battled his way past many fantastic and ferocious beasts.

With all that excitement over and done with, we headed back to the Green Room again. Then we were moved onto a big white marquis type set up and had more booze. Seemed to take an eternity but Maggot finally stepped into the tent amidst more cheering and shouting. Fuckin brilliant to see him again. Funny thing is, he really didn't understand what all the fuss was about.

We met a bloke called Steve who was the producer for Dead or Alive, Pete Burns's band. He was fuckin nuts but very funny. He introduced us all to Pete's wife who looked exactly like Pete Burns and even spoke in the same way and had the same mannerisms. In fact, if you looked at them side by side, they'd be more like sisters than husband and wife. We met Rula later on who was very charming and elegant, much like a real life star of the silver screen. She told me I had a lovely voice. Saw Preston who seemed dazzled by everything around him so just said hello and left him to it. It can all get a bit too much for people sometimes I think. Maggot introduced us all to Traci 'International Tic-Tac Smuggler Extraodinnaire' Bingham. She was cool and very nice. Her fiancee was trailing behind keeping a keen eye on matters. He seemed a bit distracted and overwhelmed by everything too. Drinking carried on till the wee hours when it was time to head back.

Outside on the way to the taxi, me and Adam ran into Justin Lee Collins from the Friday Night Project. We're big fans of his and chased him round shouting "Good times! Fuckin good times!" in West Country accents till he got fed up of us. He was very nice and exceptionally friendly to two annoying drunks. I don't think he had a clue who we were which in hindsight, is probably for the best.

Headed back to the hotel again and partied hard with Dipper Nan, South African Tess, her mate and Dan from the NME till about 6am. Woken up by my mobile going off at 10.30am - it was Robbie, the studio manager for Soccer AM. With horrific realization I recalled agreeing to be interviewed live on air after the Big Brother eviction party. I was sat up in bed and very much out of my head. And swaying about. I've no idea what I said but apparently everything went very well and comedy ensued. I'm so glad, that could have been a proper nightmare.


26/01/06 - Newport
Spent a large amount of time sticking a 'Maggot Montage' together today to celebrate some of Maggie-Mee's most memorable moments. Can't believe it's his last day in the house tomorrow. We're all heading down to see how he gets on. Remember, whatever happens: MAGGOT IS THE TRUE KING OF CBB2K&6.


25/01/06 - Newport
The more emails and texts people send, the less people actually talk to one another. It's funny when people send a two-page text explaining a complicated situation when they could have called you and explained it in under 15 seconds. Discuss.


24/01/06 - Cannes/Nice/Gatwick/Newport
Got a flight back at midday. Was tired but happy. Deep asleep on the plane to be rudely woken by a British Airways air hostess ramming her fucking duty free trolley into my shins, backing up then doing exactly the same thing again. I'm a big lad and need to stretch my legs out but I'd either done something to upset her or she was a proper clumsy bitch.

After settling down again, I was woken yet again to the sensation of someone kicking me in the same bruised shin. This time it was a male air hostess (what are they called? air host? fuck knows, less care) telling me to put my seatbelt on.....by kicking me in the leg. Unbelievable. And then aviation authorities can't figure out why 'normal' people with no histroy of violence suddenly go apeshit at high altitude and threaten to chuck incompetent, unfriendly and ignorant staff out of the plane. I'm sure they're not all like that but these two were a proper couple of bellends. Grrrrr.


23/01/06 - Gatwick/Nice/Cannes
It was always going to be a long day. Up at Stupid O'Clock, still drunk and stinking of booze. Rammed continental breakfast in as best I could. Set off to Gatwick Airport. Said our goodbyes to Conal. Did all the airport stuff and boarded the plane. Met a chap called Will from Shazam on the plane. They're the ones who do the 'dial 2580 on your mobile' thing that then identifies music from a database of 3.5 million tunes. It's like medieval magic.

We landed at Nice then had a delightful drive to Cannes. I'd never been here before. Mind you, I don't think I've ever been to the South of France before. Lovely place. Blue skies, palm trees, sandy beaches, azure waves, massive hotels, beautiful people. Loads of money flying about in a place like this. You could almost smell the dirty cash in the air.

We had an interview with someone who asked if it was alright to film us taking part in a 'Circle of Death'. We duly agreed and headed off down to the beach complete with football and beers. Had a soundcheck soon after that, all seemed good. Headed off to the hotel to try to get some food together. We're back on tour, so this is where we resume 'The Testing'. If you recall, this is a process designed to hone individual survival skills in unfamiliar environments by reducing the participants to gibbering physical and mental wrecks. It's 5.30pm, we're on at 10.30pm and we need to get food. Nowhere serves anything till 7pm. Accompanied by Billy, Balls and Hats, we set off in search of sustenance. 'The Testing' started employing tried and tested 'divide and conquer' tactics. The further we walked, the less we found, the fewer our number became. Billy headed off first convinced that we were going in the wrong direction. Balls separated from us soon after locating a French supermarket. Me and Hats headed on a little further to no avail. Things were looking bad and we were running out of time.

We decided to give Billy a call who laughed at our incompetence and confirmed that he had located a steakhouse. This sounded like the answer to our prayers. The only problem being we had no idea where we were, where Billy was or how to connect the two. Bill directed us using a combination of shop signs we'd passed and where things were located according to 'a big roundabout' outside. Perhaps it was his explicit instructions, perhaps our sense of desperation, perhaps both but we located the premises and sat down to a joyous meal of steak and chips with un biere grande s'il vous plait. Had a creme caramele to settle things down after that. Thank fuck for Billy and his secret knowledge.

Headed back to the hotel for a lie down after a solid meal. Woke up proper groggy. Got my shit together and headed down to the show. The music conference was called Midem, it all seemed pretty big. Show went really well. Good to see we can still manage a decent live show after six weeks with no practice and one man down. Met 'The Delays' and 'Sway Dasafo', all seemed like proper safe types. Headed back to the hotel in a French minibus. Eggs convinced the driver to try out his specially prepared CD-R that he referred to as 'Relentless Party Vibe: Volume One'. Cue an amazing rock-based soundarama of good quality singalong anthems from the likes of 'The Who', 'AC-DC' and 'Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds'. Fuck knows what the driver thought was going on.

Returned back at the hotel for next part of 'The Testing - Food Sketch Special'. Note to self: On the continent, a sign that reads 'Pizza 11 24H' does not mean 'open 24 hours'. It actually refers to the opening hours - 'Pizza served from 11.00(in the morning) through till 24.00 (midnight)'. Billy attempted communications with the local who came out of the pizza shop, pulling down the shutters and locking up. After a few words of basic French from Billy and a puzzled look on the bloke's face, Bill resorted to miming a hungry man stuffing his face and consequently patting his stomach with satisfaction. The man laughed, turned to his friend in the van, shook his head, laughed again, shouted 'oui, bon nuit' and headed off up the road into the night. Billy despite still being hungry was happy in the knowledge that he had successfully communicated with the locals and received a sarcastic yet humourous response back.


22/01/06 - Newport/Gatwick
Took a long drive down to Gatwick in a comedy minibus today. Had a few Bows on the way down. Staying at a Travelodge with an interesting setup - you get drinks from the Harvester across the road, then carry them back to your room across a car park on a tray. Carrying two pints of Bow, a Carlsberg, pint of Coke and Corona and lime took developed ninja style balancing techniques. Trying to get doors open was hilarious.

Looks like the Boss has misplaced his passport so isn't coming out with us. Enjoyed 'Maggotwatch' tonight. Highlights included: Maggot in a leotard dancing round with Preston and late night discussions with Traci Baywatch bird on Scottish history, an introduction to Scottish clans and associated tartans. Apparently he also advised the rest of the house not to fuck with him as he's a 'Master of Kung-Fu' after completing a rigorous self-defence course (see 14/09/05).


21/01/06 - Newport
I've managed to get my renewed passport back just in time - we're off to Gatwick tomorrow to fly out to Cannes for a music industry bash. Don't know how we'll cope without Maggot around but we'll just have to try our best.

If you're reading this at work and you haven't got people constantly snooping over your shoulder, here's a blast from the old skool to keep you occupied for a bit. We used to play this in the local chip shop back in the day for 20p. a credit. Didn't know anywhere else that had it, see how you get on. On a technical note, your browser will need to have Java and/or plugin content enabled or something but give it a go and see how you get on. Best of luck.




20/01/06 - Newport
Loads of press to do today - we had fifteen phone interviews to get through between me, Mike Balls and Hats. The rest of the boys headed down to London to greet Maggot in case he was evicted tonight. Spoke to Real Radio, Bournemouth Echo, Wales on Sunday, Portsmouth News and the Nottingham Evening Post. I thought I'd keep on repeating myself all the way through but the questions were varied so it wasn't too bad. Of everyone I spoke to, only one of them seemed unenthusiastic as though someone had asked them to do the interview as a favour or something. I could have (and should have) said anything really. Then they'd have something to write about. It's a great game to play.

Must have taken it out of me today - I got back, made myself something to eat then had a nap at about 6.30pm. Woke up at 9.40pm, disorientated, confused and sprawled out on the sofa. I'd slept through the whole eviction process. Thank fuck Maggot was still in the house otherwise I'd have kicked myself right in.


19/01/06 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Had to head over to the Red Dragon Centre in Cardiff for interviews and stuff today. Usual suspects: Me, Adam, Ballsy and Hats. Adam spotted a free Dr. Who exhibition so we went and had a gander. Headed over to Red Dragon FM after that and met Mel from the Full Welsh Breakfast. Had a few words, met a bloke from the South Wales Echo for an interview, hooked up with a camera crew from ITV1 who needed us to do some stuff and then said our goodbyes. We had to meet another camera crew from BBC1 Wales to do some filming straight after so had a game of 'follow that car' round Cardiff. Made it down to the Penarth Flats area where you get some proper posh penthouse suites and stuff. Did some filming as we watched Big Brother repeats on E4 in the afternoon. As luck would have it, Maggot popped up in the diary room on telly so we managed to get everything done with time to spare.


18/01/06 - Newport
Eviction night again tonight. Faria was next to leave. Then all of a sudden, surprise nominations - Rula, Traci and MAGGOT...?!! He was nominated by Preston and Galloway because he asked Chantelle what the capital of Luxembourg was. Honestly. Understandably, Maggot went crazy bollocks having consumed plentiful amounts of wine and threatened to kick George Galloway's head in. Amazing. Threats of physical violence can do nothing but increase the general public's confidence in our 'working class hero'. Threats of physical violence against a politician even more so.


17/01/06 - Newport/London/Newport
Had a band meeting today with everyone apart from Margot Fontayne as he's still in the BB house. After that, me, Adam, Ballsy and the Hats had to drive down to London to attend the film premiere of 50 Cent's 'Get Rich Or Die Tryin'. None of us had ever been to a premiere before so we had no idea what to expect.

We met a camera crew from 'Big Brother's Little Brother' in a pub round the corner who introduced us to a 'Lookalike Maggot' called Abe and his missus. He actually looked fairly convincing but it was his mannerisms that reminded us of the real Maggot the most. We had a few drinks and then it was time to brave the red carpet, microphones, cameras and flashbulbs with Fake Maggot in tow. We had just enough time to procure five cigars from the pub as Adam insisted that he wanted to look 'a bit Hollywood'. Please pardon the piss poor quality of the following graphics.....

 

By the time we got in the bar had already closed. There were all sorts of types milling about. We spotted Jodie Marsh, John Fashanu, Barry McGuigan, Kano and Linford Christie amongst others. Headed in to the main auditorium and 50 Cent and the director dude did a little introductory speech before the main feature. Sadly, I didn't catch the whole film. The lights went down, I made myself comfortable in my chair, watched it for a bit then woke up as everyone was getting up to leave. I tried to fight it as best I could but it just wasn't good enough. Recommended viewing for genuine 50 Cent fans only.


16/01/06 - Newport
Here's a good one: "NOS ES NEWPORT - VOS MES PERDO" which according to reliable sources translates as "We are Newport - you will lose". Handy when playing Latin scholars at pool.


15/01/06 - Newport
Must have gone out when I got back last night as I woke up on Adam's sofa. There may have been a transaction on a crate of Strongbow from one of Newport's leading nightclub establishments too, I'm still not entirely sure.


14/01/06 - Newport/London
For fuck's sake. Woken up at 7.10am this morning. What we refer to as an official 'Class 5 Fully Wasted Rave Zombie Attack'. There were a few loud bangs on the hotel room door. I woke up immediately stressing as I thought I may have slept through my alarm and Eggs was knocking to tell me to get a move on. I opened the door and a girl was standing there staggering round. This is how the conversation progressed:
Me: Erm......hello.
Her: Oh sorry, look.......do you work here...? I can't get out of the hotel.
Me:(confused) No I don't work here. I'm sleeping here.
Her: Ha-ha, sorry, I just don't know how to get out.
Me: So you knocked on a random door at seven in the morning to ask someone how to get out....?
Her: Yes. I keep going round in circles.
Me: Down the corridor, get in the lift, press the button for floor three.
Her: That's great. Is that by the bubbles....?
Me: I've no idea what you're talking about. Follow my simple instructions. I'm going back to bed.
Her: Thank you very much!
(She then grabbed my hands)
Her: Friends forever!
(Pulled my hands back again and started closing the door)
Me: Yes. Friends forever. Goodnight.

After that strange event, I retired back to bed till 9am when we were picked up to be taken down to the Soccer AM studio. We met Dougray Scott and his kids in the green room. He was the bloke who played the nasty Scottish copper in 'Twin Town'. We also met Nin ja and Kaori from the Go! Team. They all seemed very nice. They're a lovely, lively lot at Soccer AM. It reminds me of 'Why Don't You...?' from the 80's or some other kind of kids' Saturday morning TV show. I don't even understand football and yet I enjoy it. Make up called by to stick some stuff on our faces and we had the idea of asking them to give us cuts and bruises to make us look like we'd been in a fight. In the end, I had a massive black eye and Eggs had a huge cut across his head. We looked great. It turned out the make up lady used to work on Casualty so she was fully qualified for that sort of thing. Nice to see Tim Lovejoy and Helen Chamberlain again. I had words with Helen about her recent Celebrity Poker win - word on the street was that it was something like £125,000 but she wouldn't (or couldn't) confirm the official figure.

After the interview, we said our goodbyes and had to head off to the station to get a train back to the Port. We didn't have time to change so charged onto the train with minutes to spare. I still had the black eye and Eggs still had the cut on his head. We were in full leish, wearing tracksuits and chains and I was carrying a plastic bag with two freeview boxes peeking out of the top. With many a wary glance, we made our way over to 1st Class and took a well deserved seat. The bonus with the weekend journeys is that you can upgrade for a tenner if you've got the secret knowledge. The other bonus is that you can wind up the Big City Types in suits by your very presence in their 'inner sanctum', especially with scars, leish and a bag full of dubious goods.


13/01/06 - Newport/London
Headed down to London with Eggs on the train today. We've been kindly invited to appear on Soccer AM tomorrow to further the Maggot cause. It was one of those weird kind of overcast days today that always remind me of being at school. It certainly enhances the 'school trip' vibe. We hooked up with Dipper Nan down in London for a jazz and some drinks. He took us to a nice old pub called the Kensington that do good honest food. Certainly recommended. Got back to the hotel in time for the Big Brother 9pm round up. It's eviction night tonight and Jodie Marsh was first out of the house. The Maggot's doing pretty well, he seems to be getting on with most people and entertains people with loads of comedy one-liners. I wonder if he's got some form of game plan. It's hard to say.


12/01/06 - Newport
A combination of sleep deprivation and alcohol left my head in a funny place last night. I seem to be sleeping for about 4 - 5 hours a night at the moment which is unheard of. Can't be good. Attending the session last night were: Me, Billy Webb, Hattsy, Vern, Hywel (King Vampire) and local cricket legend and beard experimentalist, Dave Hovey. Word on the street is that I got hammered and won both games. Seems to be a favoured tactic. Couldn't remember it this morning but I've got other people's cash in my pockets so something must have happened.


11/01/06 - Newport
Another late night, another early morning. Mind you, it was Dominik Diamond today so that was cool. He didn't actually tell me we were already on air when he called and mentioned that last time we hooked up (see 30/10/05), Adam gave one of his mates a 'fragrant cigarette' causing his chum to pass out in the corner of the room. Apparently he couldn't recall anything the next day. Mind you, sweet jazz music can do that to people who get 'filled with electricity'. It's all about the raw emotion.

Had to sort Adam out with some dollars today for a flight to South Africa at the start of April. Dipper Nan's getting married to his lovely South African lass Tess and we're all going down via 'Adam Tours'. Should be wicked. I haven't had a proper holiday for nigh on two years, so it should give me a bit of a chance to blow some proper steam off. Let the good times roll...!

Just had a call regarding an impromptu poker session tonight so best get shit together.....


10/01/06 - Newport
Woke up to an interview with Bridge Radio today. It's something to do with the GWR Network which means it's broadcast all over the place though I always thought 'GWR' was something to do with trains. I seem to be suffering from a combination of late nights and early mornings. I always work late at night as that's when I seem to operate best. It's nice and quiet and I seem to get the best ideas early in the morning. Then again, it doesn't help when you've got to speak to people doing breakfast radio shows and asking you questions about stuff. Especially when you're really tired, you can't swear, can't say anything incriminating and need to display decorum at all times. Tricky business. Mind you, I conduct most of the interviews in my pants looking out of the window so it could be worse.


09/01/06 - Newport
Unsurprisingly, it seems that everyone and his dog needs to know our take on the Magggot situation. Today I spoke to Roy Noble of Radio 1 Wales fame and Paul and Andy from talkSPORT radio. Roy was quite excited by the whole thing and shared my bewilderment. Paul and Andy thankfully skipped any sports discussions and went straight on to the burning issues of the day like whether Maggot had enough spare pants and what might have been in his bag. Mind you, I could have chatted to them about the darts.

I think I might be overdoing it on the pc front. My eyes are burning, I've developed cramp in my legs and typing fingers (I don't use all of them, I'm not too good at that) and my head keeps spinning in time to the music I'm playing. I need to stand up and stretch every now and then to realign my spine and make me feel like less of a late-night zombie.


08/01/06 - Newport
Back once again for the renegade master, it's our roving reporter with the roving eyes, the one the only Mr. 2-Hats. Take it away sunshine.....

"Hattsy's Hilarious Holidaze - Part II"
New Year's Day
Hello again. It's me Hattsy. You rejoin me on New Year's Day in Reykjavik, Iceland. Woke up at 3pm and managed to set up a trip to the Blue Lagoon. It's basically heaven on earth in the form of a 40 degree celcius volcanically heated luminescent outdoor lake that vibrates.
*Hattsy's Handy Hints*: If you ever make it to Iceland you have to go here, it's truly amazing....! Getting in nice I floated round for a bit, had a sauna, got massaged by an outdoor waterfall and generally had the best fully relaxed two hours of my life. Looking like a prune I hung round the restaurant and waited for my lift back to the hotel. Later booze and food followed by the most relaxing sleep in years.

January 2nd 2006
Bus to airport to catch flight to New York. Six hour flight, screaming kids, no leg room, plane food and Americans demanding the Earth served with fries and no mayo. Relaxation levels back to zero, I landed and got a bus to the Manhattan Hotel. Chilled out, ate a steak the size of my head and collapsed back at the hotel.

January 3rd 2006
Shopping/shopping/shopping. Credit card took a battering. Went to Brooklyn, East Village, very posh.


January 4th 2006
Shopping/Central Park. Massive lifeless park, loads of concrete and joggers, the odd interesting memorial and loads of crazy vagrants. New York central library, amazing to be on the Ghostbusters II set....! Bloomindales had loads of cheap Addidas and Puma leisurewear, quality....! Enjoyed food and booze and general sightseeing.


January 5th 2006
Shopping/Times Square. Utter mayhem and more shopping. Credit card has now started to melt in one corner. Went to see a Broadway Show called 'The Odd Couple' with Matthew Broderick of Ferris Bueller fame and Nathan Lane. There was also the appearance of Mike Starr who was in Goodfellas. Didn't think I'd like it much, but it was really good. Tight fuckers could have turned the heating up in the theatre though.


January 5th 2006
Five hour flight back to Iceland, two hour wait, three hour flight to Heathrow, two hour drive to back to the Port - back home, must sleeeeeeeep now. Thanks for reading, Hats signing out. Bye bye.


07/01/06 - Newport
Behold! Hattsy has returned from his travels to exotic and faraway lands over the New Year with tales of danger and intrigue. Who better to tell of his stories than the man himself...? Gentle readers, pray silence for:

"Hattsy's Hilarious Holidaze - Part I"
Hello, I am 2-Hats. I am both an avid water-skier and keen amateur astronomer but none of that is important right now. Besides skipping over water and watching the skies, I also enjoy visiting foreign places, meeting new and friendly people, sampling weird foods and lying in unfamiliar beds for extended periods. All of that stuff really opens my eyes, except when I'm lying down. I usually close my eyes then, unless the darts are on. Over the New Year I went to Iceland and New York. The following report also has 'Hattsy's Handy Hints' that indicate some form of secret knowledge or other. Pass on the knowledge and use it wisely.

New Year's Eve
Drove to Heathrow and grabbed a flight to Iceland. Upon arrival I was to meet a representative from Nasa in Reykjavik, the club we're playing in February. The club owner said he'd send one of his men to pick me up. Three hours later I was met by a six foot ten Icelandic giant who told me his name in Icelandic (unable to rember it but sounded something like 'Gunerykerson'). He then told me that everyone called him Gummi - laughing I asked him if it had anything to do with the Gummi Bears to which he looked confused and slightly angry, so I left it there. He grabbed both my massive travel bags as if they were shopping bags and took them to his A-team van. He then drove me to Reykjavik and told me about the nightlife. Apparently nothing happens till 11pm or midnight as booze is £7-8 a go so everyone drinks at home. Luckily I'd been once before with my brother and had a litre of Absolut Citron in my bag from the duty free.


*Hattsy's Handy Hints*: Always good to have duty free booze in Northern European countries as for some unknown reason they have only had booze since 1983 and therefore booze is proper extortionate. Gummi went on to tell me that he was into heavy metal and didn't like hip hop. At this point I started to look for the shovel and length of rope in the boot. I told him that heavy metal was OK and asked him if he liked 'Cradle of Filth'. This pacified him and we managed to get back to hip hop. He told me that the club I was going to in the evening called 'Rex' would be amazing and RZA from the Wu-Tang clan would be attending alongside Quentin Tarrantino and his boss Isi - who is the dude organsing our show in February.

I asked him what he did and he told me he was a bodyguard/doorman and then went on to tell me how he'd never had to hit anyone (probably due to the fact that he's twice the size of normal people and made me look like tiny) and had only had to hit one person because he was off his cake on amphetamines. The conversation went on and it was soon clear that drugs had replaced booze with most people getting into veterinary medication rather than the herb.

We arrived at the hotel and Gummi grabbed the bags, scared the shit out of the porter and then booked me a table at his friend's restaurant. He said he'd see us at the club at twelve and that I should call him if any problems arose. I got into the vodka and started reading the guide to Iceland. It turned out that a fireworks display would happen over the road at midnight to mark the New Year.

At 11pm the fireworks started and got progressively louder till at half past eleven it sounded as though World War III had started. Looking out the window I was right. Rockets littered the skies and bangers were being thrown everywhere. Went downstairs to see the show with vodka and coke in hand. The sound was deafening and the rockets were going off at all angles. Standing out the way to avoid premature blindness from a stray rocket I watched the New Year come in and sank the booze.


Just as I was going back into the hotel to get changed, a rocket hit the wall just above my head and set part of my coat and hair alight. Wicked! When the party started I got down to the club and got in nice. Gummi appeared (still towering over everyone and hard to miss) and showed me to the empty VIP section. Getting in straight away, I made a beeline for the free booze and got stuck in. Later Quentin Tarrantino turned up with RZA and I said 'hello' and got the knuckles from RZA. They were then swamped by scantily clad 18 year olds who were interested in the music and/or movie business. After the booze ran dry I got down to the dancefloor, met a few people, spread glc love and got very, very drunk......


Hattsy will return tomorrow to tell us more of his tales. What lovely stories, I'm sure you'll agree.


06/01/06 - Newport
After the initial shock and excitement of Maggot in the house, the whole surreal nature of the situation grips you. It's amazing. I couldn't sleep so had another think about space.

I have great trouble comprehending the concept of space. An endless vacuum, forever expanding and unfolding in all directions at once. I wonder if humans are actually supposed to be able to understand and comprehend such a mind-blowing concept. If space goes on forever then what's outside of it...? Does it even have a name...? I'd call it 'unspace' or 'nonspace' or something. Perhaps the fact that it doesn't have a name indicates the belief that there's literally nothing there. Then again, there has to be something there to allow space to unfold into it. People say that space is infinite and yet they say it's always expanding. How can that be....? Surely it's either one or the other. To expand means that something's getting bigger according to the original constraints imposed on the subject. If that's the case then it's not infinite because it has specific dimensions. My head hurts.

I love thinking about stuff like that. Mysteries and unknown factors fascinate me greatly. It's reassuring to understand how little we really know about the universe. I was obsessed with becoming an astronaut when I was younger and always got books on spaceships and robots out at the library. I'd ask my Mum what space was like (as she'd been there) and she'd say things like, "It's very cold, you'd have to wrap up warm". When I asked her how big space was she said, "Don't worry about that now, it'll make sense when you're older". She said that about a lot of things. They still don't make sense even now.


05/01/06 - Newport - *MAGGOT'S IN THE CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER HOUSE*
Talking of worlds colliding and universes being tipped upside down - today sees Maggot striding purposefully into the Celebrity Big Brother house. Here's the moment that he stepped out of a limo to embark on one of the weirdest journeys of his life......


I spoke to Maggie-Mee on Wednesday, it was interesting to see how he was feeling. It hadn't really sunk in over Christmas and New Year but faced with January, it's really weird. Your fellow bandmate, your friend is going to be on televisions up and down the country on one of the highest-rating programmes for years. After all I'd said about reality television too. Well, if Maggot wasn't in there, I still wouldn't watch it in the first place. There, I think that justifies my comments without undermining my original argument. Hmmmmm.

When he completed his walk to the house, he stood at the top and looked a little unsure of what to do next. He walked up to the doors and started yanking on the handle, unaware that they were automatic. The first of no doubt many more comedy moments.

Incidentally, I've set up a minisite for Maggot here too. Why not visit and drop him a line to show your support...?


04/01/06 - Newport
A thought struck me today. It was this: the universe could end at any given moment. In an infinite universe where an infinite number of things happen in an infinite space, why hasn't it all just kind of ex/imploded....? Or perhaps it has already and then back again. What if in every millisecond the universe ends, is recreated and then resets itself to directly before the initial end and we just don't notice...? I like playing these kind of games in my head so much that I thought I'd share them with you.

The wonderful thing about the internet is that shortly after having these odd thoughts, you can check to see if anyone else has had similar ideas. You just need to know what words to use. That's how I found this:

A cosmological phase transition is a hypothetical scenario that hypothesizes that the universe at any given second could undergo a complete phase transition that would be spawned by a region of space undergoing a process similar to quantum tunneling.

I'd be lying if I said that I understood what all that meant. Fuck knows. This bit's cool though, it actually theorizes what we'd experience if such an event occured:

Well firstly, you would experience nothing. It would happen so fast that you wouldn't even realize it happened. The front would move at the speed of light at least and would consume every human and object in the universe before a human brain could process something was happening. The whole universe could be consumed in 10 seconds or less. If you could experience the phase transition here is a brief summary of what would happen: A microscopic location in space would undergo the phase transition. It would bubble (an approximation of the effect) and slowly crystallize surrounding points in space. Nearly instantly, each of those points would crystallize and spread outwards. The universe spanning from the new bubble would be a new universe with completely different laws of physics and forces.


03/01/06 - Newport
I think I can remember the first time I watched television. Previously, I'd ignored the big fake wooden box in the corner with a glass screen. It didn't interest me. Then one day, it came to life and invited me into it's strange flickering world with tales of 'Monkey Magic', 'Spiderman' and 'Danger Mouse'. I'd go outside with friends and we'd reenact the episodes that we'd just seen.

Today I watched a documentary on kids with Tourette's being sent to an American support camp run by the YMCA. It was well made but still nothing on 'John's Not Mad'. For those who never experienced 'John's Not Mad' in the 80's, it was a QED documentary following the adventures of John Davidson from Galashiels, a then 15 year old with Tourette's. It was shown to us in RE with a reassuring warning on the programme content from the teacher beforehand. Of course, older kids had seen this before and always told us to look out for the day it'd be shown to us. It was almost like a rite of passage. What you have to understand is that in those days no-one had ever heard of Tourette's Syndrome. We didn't know why he was shouting but we knew what he said. The cameras followed him at home, at school and (most memorable of all) going shopping. It was around this point that John came out with his most memorable statement: "Fucking Nescafe" he shouted as he walked past a tea and coffee aisle. The impact it had on our class was incredible.

Every now and then, there'd be certain films you'd watch at school that left a lasting impression. 'The Cross and the Switchblade' - that was one about a bloke trying to set up a mission in downtown Harlem. 'Threads' - a terrifying docudrama set in 1984 following characters trying to survive in a wasteland after a thermonuclear attack has devastated Britain. Eggsy said that when he watched this at school, a girl put her hand up and asked the teacher, "When did all this actually happen....?"


02/01/06 - Newport
Woke up sausage roll style today. It's lovely. It's not something that occurs often but when it does, it's great. To elaborate, 'sausage roll style' means you're virtually shrink-wrapped in a duvet when you wake up. It means that you've been so comfortable, you've stayed in the same position all night long. It's a welcome comfort when you're still nice and warm in the morning but by the same premise, it's inevitable that you have to get out of bed to go somewhere to do something. It's a contradiction in terms. If you didn't have to get up, you'd be asleep and wouldn't notice anyway. Even then it's only on waking up and regretting the fact that you've got to get out of bed that you ever appreciate the comfort and warmth anyway.

Woke up, got out of bed and went somewhere to do something.


01/01/06 - New Year's Day, Cardiff
So this is what 2006 feels like. I won't really make any New Year's resolutions as such. If people want to change the way they act, think or feel they should do that at any time as opposed to when they think they're supposed to. That's why you'll see loads more adverts on the telly for Nicorette patches or Weightwatchers. I'm not saying that people shouldn't, it's a good idea to analyse your life and try to improve. All I'm saying is that people should make their own minds up and decide things for themselves.

If I were to change anything, I think I'd talk less and listen more. Oh, and sleep. I need plenty of sleep. Sleeping is the key to a long and stree-free existence.


Wander back in time weary traveller, back to the year Two-Thousand and Five....