Mÿstÿ's Mÿstîç Musíñgs

Forward in time....! Onwards to the year Two-Thousand and Six....!

31/12/05 - New Year's Eve, Cardiff
Woke at 1.30pm. Thumping head. Checked to see how much cash I'd lost from last night and found a load of notes in my pockets. It appears I may well have outwitted my poker sensei at last, even if I couldn't remember it. Took a wander down to O'Neills and hooked up with my chums. It was confirmed that they were missing cash from last night so I must have beaten them. Or beaten them about the head and nicked their cash. Had a few drinks then got kicked out at about 5pm as they were busy readying zombie defences and preparing for NYE carnage. Took a wander down to the Queen's Vaults, home of cheap steaks, cider and games of pool. Had a munch, more drinks then headed out of town before it started getting proper busy.

Headed off to Marky Mark's, said hello to his housemates. Headed back to Toddy's for more poker, fun and games. Picked up loads of cider and wandered in that general direction. Had loads more drinks then I made the mistake of asking Pigfarmer Rich about pressure points behind the ear. Being an experienced street fighter, he immediately demonstrated his knowledge of four different nerve clusters on me, each with varying degrees of pain. We drank some more, had a laugh and listened to more of PFR's stories. Had a few calls before the appointed time from people I wasn't expecting, lovely surprise though. Just before midnight we had the traditional countdown, shouted and screamed then went outside to dance in the street only to find that the rest of the street was doing the same. We had a lovely 'Return of the Jedi' style moment where everyone was silent and we just watched fireworks exploding all over the skies of Cardiff.

What will 2006 bring...? I don't know but if it carries on as well as it started, it should be good. Stay safe my friends.


30/12/05 - Newport/Cardiff
Had word that my mate Pigfarmer Rich is down. He's an ex-pigfarmer but names like that kind of stick. He's a good one for entertaining stories, the PFR. If he's not recounting one of his numerous adventures, you're actually watching one unfold around him in front of your very eyes. We've got drunk and recreated scenes from the Matrix in the living room, tipping over his telly and smashing up a coffee table in the process. He's thrown me down stairs. I've thrown him down steps. Ever seen drunks fighting each other on street corners, falling down and then laughing...? That's us. Put simply: We enjoy having a good time.

Met up with my other mates Toddy and Marky Mark. Not all my friends have daft names, it's just how I like to refer to them. The rest is up to them. These were the boys to first get me involved on the poker front. They're still the most reckless players I've played to this day. Hard drinking followed hard poker playing. Hard poker playing carried on way too late into the night and I can't really recall much else.


29/12/05 - Newport
Here's another dream thing that's struck me recently. How is it possible to dream of a person you've never met with a character all of their own and their own distinctive likes and dislikes...? Here's what I can remember from inside my head: I'm driving down to a car park to pick up a friend of a friend's. We're waiting a while, listening to music and watching the world go by. She finally turns up and comments on the music we're listening to. As we're drving her to her destination, we find out more and more about her. She's nice, a likeable lass but she readily admits she's got her own faults too. She's got distinctive mannerisms and ways of talking with her hands. A familiar accent but one I just couldn't place. She points out various things as we drive past and gives us a story relating to each. Then she thanks us for the lift and that's it. I woke up feeling confused and disorientated. It all felt so real and yet it wasn't. As far as I know she doesn't even exist. I don't even know whether that would be a relief or not.

Is my subconscious creating a character out of nothing for my dreaming mind to interact with...? If so, how...and why...? Was she merely an amalgamation of information inside my head...? How could she respond to various things going on around her...? It's amazing to think we've come this far and we still don't know anything about 'simple' things like dreams.


28/12/05 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Fletchy's birthday today. Headed off to Cardiff on the train and went for a few drinks. The place seemed deserted mostly due to it being fuckin freezing outside. Accompanying us were Eggs, Hattsy, Moore-O, Vern and one MC Walshy. Hooked up with Xain and Newport Tim. Had a lovely time. Wandered into a posh bar that seemed to be part of a hotel but was still open to non-residents. It all seemed a bit surreal. It felt like we were in a foreign country or stuck in a 70's time loop. Headed back Portwise in the bitter cold for the last train home. Got back intact and hurried our cold selves over to an Indian food emporium. Indulged in fine exotic cuisine then hooked up with Rosco P, Hywel (King Vampire) and DCI Burnside. Had a late night poker session that ended at 5am. Nice.


27/12/05 - Newport
Woke up on someone's sofa in Maindee this afternoon. Still too drunk to call for a taxi so decided to walk home. Stumbled down Corporation Road then across George Street Bridge. Newport never looked so nice. Wandered down past Pill then up through Bellevue Park. I can remember running through this park when I was little and playing up by the Summer House. They've been meaning to rennovate it for years but it still remains boarded up. Pottered past the Handpost then up past the Ridgeway. By the time I got back, I'd walked about six and a half miles.

I was tired and needed an afternoon rest. I remember wondering if anyone had ever set off a speed camera going downhill in a shopmobility then fell into a deep sleep.


26/12/05 - Boxing Day, Newport
Lovely. Been enjoying the advantages of owning a hooded dressing gown that my bro got me for Christmas today. I'd recommend it. You can wander round the house in complete comfort and curl up on the sofa like a cat. I was trying to figure out a way of wrapping the hood round your face like a ninja mask too but must have got distracted with something else. Other gifts included Banksy's 'Wall and Piece', a set of kitchen knives and a 'Brewtender - the original tabletop cooling beverage dispenser'. Perfect for barbecues, poker games and picnics. Also perfect for fermented apple drinks like Magners or Strongbow, if you will. Can't wait for the Summer now.


25/12/05 - Christmas Day, Newport
Festive Greetings readers! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL. Notice how I use the term 'merry' as opposed to 'happy'. "Happy Christmas and a Happy New Year" doesn't only sound ultra-pc it also sounds wholly unimaginative. Let's get back to what we know. Rave it up one time, yo. Have a blinder.

Additional: My apologies for the festive rant. Overenthusiastic PC bollocks at Christmas (or any other time) just does my head in......

They say: "You can't say 'Merry Christmas' anymore, it's just not right"
I say: "Why?"
They say: "It implies that people drink lots at Christmas"
I say: "That's right, they do. I know I do"
They say: "Yes but we don't want to encourage that"
I say: "How does a festive greeting like that encourage anything but peace, happiness and goodwill to all men....?"
They say: "Ah, it's in the word 'merry'. See, if we change the greeting from 'merry' to 'happy', it'll substantially lower the amount of people drunk at Christmas"
I say: "Right, very good, well done. I appreciate your elaborate scientific explanations. I also acknowledge the assumption that by changing already accepted greetings at any time of the year you actually believe it'll have a positive effect on modern day society. My next question is: why stop there...? I'm sure there are plenty of other widely-accepted conventions that should be reconfigured and/or quashed in your overzealous and yet feeble efforts to manipulate people's behaviour through control of language. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Thank you and good night".
I was never allowed back to the Council Chambers after that outburst.


24/12/05 - Christmas Eve, Newport
Couldn't be arsed going out early so headed over to Adam and Graham's at about 6pm to find festivities in full swing. Dipper Nan was round preparing a feast in the kitchen in between swigs of Tenants Super. Some of Adam and Dipper's old schoolfriends had popped over to say hello too. Had a few drinks and then Xain and Eggs turned up. Had a few more drinks. Tried some of Dipper's food - he'd explained he was preparing 'Special Herb Sausages with Garlic, Mashed Potato and Onion Gravy'. What he failed to tell anyone was that he'd decided to spice up the mash by sticking a whole pot of Tewkesbury mustard in to be on the safe side. Saying that, it was actually very good although it did bring tears to my eyes. Well done Dip, you could feed an entire army at Christmas son.


23/12/05 - Newport
Soon as I woke up at half two in the afternoon, I realized I'd done it again. I was lying on Adam's living room floor wearing my coat as a blanket. For two nights running, I'd been incapable of getting a taxi back. That's living alright.

Wandered into town with Graham the Bear, thought about going for a pint, thought against it and finally managed to get a taxi back home. Got back at about 4pm and slept for a good sixteen hours. Festive sleep vibe.


22/12/05 - Newport
Woke up feeling confused and bewildered. Couldn't remember getting a taxi back, then realised I was still at Billy's in exactly the same position on the sofa. Stood up, recognised I was suffering possible effects of 'still being drunk' and sat back down again. Stumbled into the kitchen for a glass of water only to be met by a surprised Billy who didn't realize I was still in his house. We had a chat about how we were feeling, compared notes on how our heads were operating then tried to work out who won the last game of poker. We still don't know even now. Perhaps it doesn't even matter.

Took a wander into town to grab a few more last minute Christmas purchases. Had to head to a place called Marks & Co., an electrical hardware shop. Amazing place, hasn't changed for at least twenty years. Loads of devices piled high and drawers full of wire and screws and all sorts of shit. You might wander round a corner and see a Mogwai sitting contentedly in a cardboard box. Had a look in Littlewood's who were having a 50% sale. Bad choice. Even though the Beach Boys were playing, the shoppers were getting aggressive. Long queues, "FIFTY PER CENT OFF", someone's horrible coughing, "EVERYTHING MUST GO", stress, "MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY THIS CHRISTMAS", other people's bodily heat, GET THE FUCK OUT NOW. The only thing worse than that combination is when you're standing behind someone who's just gone crazy testing all the perfumes at Boots. For fuck's sake.

Leeroy Fashions had organised a Newport band showcase down at the Legendary TJ's for tonight. Sounded like a good line up so popped down to see what was going on. As is the same whenever you go out at Christmas, I saw loads of people I hadn't seen for years in the 'John Peel Memorial Bar'. Next door, five or six bands were going crazy bollocks, each with a different sound, each trying to outdo the others. Good stage antics, good live sounds.

Somewhere round the one o'clock mark, Leeroy gave a shout and gathered the rest of us for the aftershow. Took a wander down to an undisclosed location on an industrial estate not so far away. Accompanying me on this expedition were Adam, Graham the Bear, Rosco P Coltrane and MC Flatpress, all as hammered as each other. The whole setup was reminiscent of a crazy New York penthouse suite style sex party (without the sex). Lights, picnic tables, decks and a good sound system. As soon as we arrived some variation of Newport Fight Club had already begun. Two men stripped to the waist were charging across the room and jumping into one another. Crap breakdancing also took place. I can remember meeting people and seeing faces but then the rest is just a blur. A bit like being abducted by aliens but in a nice way.


21/12/05 - Newport
Hattsy decided to have a festive late night poker session today and invited us all round. I was accompanied by Ballsy, Billy and Hywel (King Vampire). We'd stocked up appropriately: I was armed with around twelve cans of Strongbow, Hywel decided on a bottle of Morgan's Spiced Rum (served in half-pint tumblers with ice) and Billy settled down with a bottle of Jameson's and a measuring jug of water. Ballo was driving so immersed himself in the game instead. Two practice sessions (as tradition now dictates) and a couple of games later, I'd won one and Billy won the other.

The night wore on and we were all exhibiting symptoms of alcohol-based craziness. Billy's head slumped forward onto the table and he started snoring a few minutes later. At this point, we said our farewells to the Hats and helped Bilbo home. Within fifteen minutes of getting to Billy's, I'd also passed out on his sofa downstairs. Excellent festive poker session.


20/12/05 - Newport
Had a lovely wander round Newport today trying to find people stuff for Christmas. Didn't actually pick that much up, I was too mesmerised by the lights and the whole 'Newport at Christmas' thing. It's amazing how a town (or city) can be transformed with the addition of a few lights on the streets here and there. Nice touch.


19/12/05 - Newport
Pretending to think about Christmas shopping but unsure what anyone wants despite my investigative prowess. Might put it all off till tomorrow. And then the next day.....

One of my mates was travelling home on Christmas Eve and was stressing as he hadn't got anyone anything. He stopped by at a motorway service station in desperation with the intention of picking up a cheap GPS system, cans of de-icer or novelty air fresheners shaped like smiley faces that smell of meadows in Summertime. Some of the people he was buying for didn't even have cars but his logic was that GPS could be employed as a safety device when walking the hills, de-icer could be used to clean windows and air fresheners would make kitchens or bathrooms smell nice. Imagine his surprise, shock and disappointment to walk into the service station and find it looking like it had just been ransacked by zombies the third or fourth time around. Everyone else travelling that stretch of motorway had had exactly the same thoughts as him and launched an instinctive mad rush for 'motorway crap' before he got there. I think he came away with a family size bucket of Maltesers and a newspaper.


18/12/05 - Newport
The next day found us safely reunited with everyone else. We were all in a proper mess. Headed back Portwise and had to find specialist LPG garages on the way to allow Flatpress to fill up. This proved to be a lot more difficult than we'd first anticipated. No one seemed to know what it was. When we asked about LPG, they'd just point at Calor gas cannisters like we were bloody idiots.

Took us fucking ages to get back. Dropped the rest of the boys off then I had to accompany Flatpress in an attempt to track down LPG garages in the Port. Same old sketch. People either kept mentioning Calor gas or giving us directions to 'Gwent Camping Supplies'. In the end, Flatpress just said "fuck it" and took a gamble to get back to Bristol with what he had left in his tank. I on the other hand, headed to bed and had a lovely time enjoying natural unconsciousness.


17/12/05 - Newport
Xain and Maggot were supposed to be heading off to Liverpool for a UK Undercurrent bash to say thanks to the street teams for their dedication to the cause this year. Xain wasn't able to make it in the end so we rounded up a replacement adventure party and made some quickfire plans. MC Flatpress made an appearance in his newly acquired Land Rover that had been converted for LPG. Me, Adam and Graham the Bear piled in and we set off on our merry way. Plans had indeed been orchestrated quickly - we didn't even know how to get to Liverpool. Optimism being one of our strongest traits, we headed approximately North, hoping to glimpse some signposts to point us in the right direction.

Finally there, we ditched the motor and set off to track down the Maggot. He arrived earlier and had been 'getting in nice' for most of the day. Once we found him, we made plans for our sonic assault on the Barfly. Turned out Maggot had left most of his speed garage classics at home so tonight would be a strict drum & bass mastermix session. Once we got down there, we saw some familiar smiling faces - Jon the Robot, ZoeKnowsIt and Jenny amongst others. Do Me Bad Things were on the decks already for the time being so we let them carry on while we had a chat with people. I'd already been drinking on the drive up so was in a suitable frame of mind for a party by now. Maggot began his session. 'Tearing' is not the term. Try 'ripping apart and spitting out'. I can recall shouting some things on the mic, reminiscent of Graham the Bear in his usual environment, mostly swearing and encouraging people to wave their arms about.

Towards the end of the night things went slightly wonky. There may have been spirits involved. At some stage or other, I lost everyone apart from Flatpress and had a sudden moment of clarity in the middle of Liverpool Chinatown. I thought I was in Bladerunner. We bought some kind of food produce from a lady in a shack who was cooking things on a Chinese barbecue out in the street. Inspired by this, we decided to track down a restaurant that would still serve scallies like us at this time. After a delightful half-and-half combination we headed back to the hotel, our base for the night. We had to before the replicants got nasty.


16/12/05 - Newport
It would seem I've succumbed to Christmas lethargy. Perhaps lethargy's too strong a term. Christmas slowdown then. Yes, I've succumbed to Christmas slowdown. It's quite nice really. Starts getting dark at 4pm and it seems like the day's over by then. Lots of stretching, yawning, extra blankets. Lazing round and pretending to be a cat. Having a 'nap' that lasts several hours then waking up feeling really confused and fuzzy round the edges. Here's a tip: Hot chocolate with rum. Oh yes. Get in nice.


15/12/05 - Newport
Thanks to the Poker Player people, Hattsy's got a metal box full of chips for us to play poker on our own. We set up a late night poker session to be accompanied by the usual suspects: Me, Hats, Billy, Hywel (King Vampire) and Charlo. Same old set up - two practice games, then playing for real. Looks like Hattsy was immune to my mind control techniques this time round, he bluffed us all and tore me limb from limb. This was his second proper game of poker. Little bugger.


14/12/05 - Newport
On the lead-up to Christmas, there are still things that I enjoy even now. Cold nights, warm pubs, good cheer and illuminations in the streets outside. People being generally good natured and polite to each other because they think it's all part of the season. Kids who stop misbehaving in town the second their folks mention a lack of presents at Christmas if they carry on. Good films on in the afternoon. Crazy horror films at night. Stepping into a warm house when you've been wandering round in the cold for ages outside. Brrrrr.


13/12/05 - Newport
Saw Eggs today. Got the lowdown on snowboarding, altitude sickness, hard drinking and something he referred to as 'Europe's 2nd Biggest Light Show'. Apparently, the snowboard crew returned to their chalet after visiting a number of bars and drinking establishments only to start experimenting with French fireworks (NOT recommended). After launching rockets by holding the sticks with their hands, Eggs tried the same thing with some sort of banger. After it ignited, there were a load of sparks that covered his ungloved hands causing him to scream, drop the firework and leg it to the sink to douse his hands in cold running water. He's well on the way to recovery although due to the powder burns, his hand resembled that of a chimpanzee's for several days. Remember kids: Eggs could have lost his fingers. His ultimate dream of playing 'London's Burning' on the recorder in front of the rest of the class would just be a sad memory of what might have been.


12/12/05 - Newport
Had to head down to Nienke's today to meet some chaps from Poker Player magazine. They'd suggested doing a feature involving four of our lot against four of them playing Texas Hold Em for the 'Safe As Fuck Invitational 2006' trophy. Daft poker names were the order of the day so our team transformed into the following alter egos:

Hattsy, codename 'Standby': As in 'standby mode' whereby one saves energy but may require a nudge every now and then to leap into action. Never played before, ready to confuse, eager to obfuscate and already obsessed with the concept of bluffing.

Ballo, codename 'Hot Rod Balls': Received the name having being pushed round corridors and down inclines in a great number of storage devices with wheels (shopping trolleys, boxes, suitcases, etc). Dangerous, unpredictable player with good experience.

Billy Webb, codename 'The Wibbler': Sounds like a popular Ann Summers product and true to form remains the ladies' favourite. Never really played but eager to get involved and unleash carnage.

Mysty, codename 'The Developer': One of those names that still gets a laugh (see 29/09/05). Hard to say how I play, it's just one of those things. You'd have to ask someone else. I try to be generally nice to people though.

Had a few practice rounds for the benefit of those that hadn't played before, then got stuck in. Hattsy pulled a massive bluff and managed a winning card at the last minute eliminating one of our competitors and getting him shitloads of chips at the same time. His response was one of elation followed by confusion then delight. Ballo was doing well but got wiped out further on in the game. Billy followed his lead soon after. Hattsy didn't really know what to do with his newfound wealth so squandered it on daft bets and lost it. That left me and two Poker Player lads. One was tricky and experienced, the other unpredictable with a keen nose for bluffing.....the game went on for fucking ages. However, I'm happy to say that the Force was with me that day and my mind tricks worked wonders.

I'd never won a trophy before. Happy days!


11/12/05 - Newport
Had a text from Hattsy at 1am. He went to see Oasis at the Millenium Stadium and there were no trains or taxis to get him back to Newport. I thought about it for a couple of minutes and decided to give him a call to check he was alright. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Hats! Hello son, what's going on....? Where are you...?"
Hattsy: (slurred and mostly unintelligible) "Ha-ha-ha! Cuntfuckers!"
Me: "Erm.....are you alright...?"
Hattsy: "Oh Mysty, I love you, I want to give you a big kiss on the mouth"
Me: "That's lovely mate, where are you....? Do you need a lift back....? I can come and pick you up if you're stuck"
Hattsy: "I'm in Cardiff Bay...no, I'm near the station...no, hang on...."
(shouting across to someone else)"'Scuse me mate, where are we...? Right, right, he doesn't know...."
Me: "Erm.....can you have a look out the window...? See if you can see any landmarks...?"
Hattsy: (crashing sound, Hats is pissing his sides) "Haaaaa! I've just fallen off my chair...! Ha-ha-haaaaaaa!"
Me: "................"
Hattsy: "Hang on, hang on, someone's picking us up now. Cheers for calling Myst, I love you, I love you very much....."
Me: "I love you very much as well. Make sure you get home safely..."
Hattsy: "Hee-hee-hee!"


10/12/05 - Newport
Not a very good day today. Each of my nights over the last three days has got progressively harder to deal with the next day. Today is where I may just have to lie down for a long time and make myself better. At least I concluded a three night session in style.....

A little later, the phone rings to wake me up. It's Rosco, he's down 'The Taste of Asia' and he's out on the wreck with Bibs again. They're not men, they're Booze Machines. No amount of intense hard sell-style persuading from Rosco is going to get me out of bed. In desperation, I pulled the duvet over my head and explained to Rosco that I might die if I go out again. It's pathetic I know but I've done my community service, my penance is paid is full. Now, I need to rest.


09/12/05 - Newport
Woke up in the same position that I had passed out in. Not feeling too hot today. Graham the Bear woke me up with some kind of animal noises as he was violently sick in the bathroom. Got up from the sofa only to start swaying around like I was on a ferry. Felt like I was developing vertigo so I sat back down again. I've had enough hangovers in my life to realize that this wasn't right. Graham returned to the living room to confirm my fears - we'd been poisoned by dodgy pints. Through process of elimination we worked backwards and tried in vain to establish the nature of the offending beverage. No joy.

In an effort to heal ourselves properly, we ventured to town in search of sustenance. Had a potter around. Managed to get some food. I forced mine down and felt a little bit better but Graham was worse than ever before. He came out of the cafe a whiter shade of pale and politely requested that I stop walking at such a frantic pace. As we continued walking, the frequency of our strides diminished to the point where Graham and I stood side by side in the middle of the high street like a low budget horror film that could only afford two zombies. Graham was about to be sick while I was about to keel over. This comedy of post-alcohol errors continued all the way back to the car park. Thankfully, Graham managed to get me home safely with no vomit-induced incidents which was a real bonus as he was the one driving.

Bibs and Co. were due down in Newport tonight so I'd have to sort myself out if I was going to survive. A few hours afternoon sleep later and I was feeling almost whole again. Rosco P Coltrane had returned from his travels to make an appearance so it was going to be good. Started off at Bailey's where I hooked up with Graham the Bear and Hywel (King Vampire). Then Rosco made an appearance with one Stan the Man. Then Lloyd Ganja turned up with Big G. We set off to the Meze Lounge where we met Bibs, Miranda, Caroline, Sally and Amy. Bibs had done a very good job of getting loads of attractive young ladies down. Well done that man. Always makes any kind of inebriation session go with a real bang.

Had a few but decided it was too loud in the Meze so made tracks to the Murenger. Had a few more here and the bell went so we set off to the Majestic Disco where Graham the Bear was entertaining the inhabitants of Newport. As mentioned before, Graham isn't the resident DJ here, he's only here while the Bassment (Newport's Premier Wreckhead Central) is under renovation. That's why it seems like upstairs in the Nag's Head out of 'Only Fools & Horses'. On the way to the Majestic Disco, we were joined by Louise and Sam who were one half of the lovely ladies who came to nick our food at Blackwood and Bridgend. It's nice when you hook up with people on the off-chance. Anything can happen.

In the space of about three hours, I'd had some amazing conversations, fallen over on someone while dancing, had sambuca, met some old friends and had plenty of Bow. Full on party time now. All at once, the club was about to shut and we were getting kicked out. Graham kindly invited us back again to his gaff but he had a distinct lack of alcohol. Unperturbed and encouraged by my lovely assistant Miranda, we set off to our local 24-hour Tesco's in search of booze. Bloody rubbish. Turned up only to be turned away and turfed out. It would appear that 24 hour booze suppliers are harder to find than I'd previously suspected. Had the same problem at the Spar so we just got loads of Pepsi and fags instead. Got back to Graham's to find the Wreckhead Convention in full swing. Things go a bit hazy from here. Bibs passed out on Graham's bed and I was sent off to retrieve him. I was considering a fireman's lift but thought I might stack it down the stairs. Instead I quietly roused him from his slumber and escorted him downstairs where I made him a temporary resting place from pillows and a sleeping bag. I even tucked him up to the delight of all present.

Now from what I can remember, taxis were called and various sleepy people made their way back to Cardiff. I can remember telling Graham that I needed to go home too. He said that he wasn't surprised as it was ten to nine in the morning and we'd just finished our last drinks of the night. Just goes to show that we all have limits.


08/12/05 - Newport/Cwmbran/Newport
Early start today. Had to get up to formulate our plan of attack to open an HMV in Cwmbran with only half of our forces present. Xain, Eggs, Adam and Billy had all gone to Tignes in the Alps for a ski/snowboarding for the Guardian or someone. That left me, Maggot, Ballsy and Hattsy to go and open the shop. We had to locate a service depot round the back of the store but it turned out to be easier than I'd expected.

We had a couple of interviews to do then met Nipper the dog again. Don't think she recognised us from the last time really. Had a nice surprise in meeting the same security lads who'd looked after us in our last HMV opening runs up in South Shields, Newcastle and Glasgow. Jase and Mel from the Red Dragon FM Breakfast Team were down to drum up support for us too. We had word that we were wanted downstairs and Maggot (armed with his giant golden scissors again) had the honour of cutting the ribbon after a countdown. The crowds were huge, mostly made up of kids who'd bunked off school, Mums and Dads out for specially signed Christmas presents and a few confused pensioners. The queues seemed to stretch on forever and we sold out of all copies of 'RnB' in the meantime. The excitable schoolkids were the best, screaming and shouting in the queue then getting quieter and shyer as they approached us. One of them whispered to her friend, "I can't believe this is happening" as Ballsy just smiled at her and nodded politely.

Once all the excitement was over, we had a few more stragglers, then made our way back up to the staff room for a lovely wedding reception style spread. It was pretty good. Had a few photos with members of staff then decided to head off. We were tired through dealing with so many people but all of us felt elated. We'd managed to open an HMV with half the crew missing and no one responsible in charge. We'd even managed to get there and back with nothing going wrong in between. Said my goodbyes to the lads and headed home. Had a lie down and watched some of Steve Coogan's 'Dr. Terrible's House of Horrible'. Anyone who's into the 'Hammer House/Amicus School of Crap Horror Films' would love it.

Must have dropped off for a couple of hours but woke up to Graham the Bear on the phone. He was off down the pub and wanted to know if I was interested. Shortly after, me, Graham, Hywel (King Vampire) and Leeroy Fashions were all sat in the boozer enjoying pints and having a lovely time. One thing led to another and before we knew it, we were back at Graham's again watching 'Back to the Future: Part II'. Beetlehead didn't emerge this time round although I did quite peacefully pass out on his sofa. Must have been comfortable cos I even had dreams too.


07/12/05 - Newport
Talk of hooking up for belated birthday drinks for Xain today. Went down to Bailey's in Newport first with Billy and Hattsy. It's a delightful old man's pub that's been there for years, proper homely vibe. It's the only drinking establishment that I know of with a hanging chandelier with bottles of spirits on. It's also got a pool table next to a wall with loads of stuff hanging up which means great potential for accidentally smashing stuff with pool cues should you get stuck on the wrong angle. Clever players know of these dodgy angles and use them against any opposition to great advantage.

From here, we picked up some Bow and headed back to Billy's. Then to Nienke's. Then to Hattsy's to watch the TV highlights of the Pop Factory Awards. I'll be the first to admit that we were watching utter carnage unfolding. Hywel (King Vampire) and Leeroy Fashions popped over to bare witness to the ensuing chaos of the awards. At the end we all agreed that we had made our presence known and certainly made an effort in cementing our reputation for 'Rock & Roll Excess'.

Adam kindly gave me a lift home. On the way home Graham the Bear transformed into 'Beetlehead', his alter-ego when he's thoroughly hammered. Beetlehead is highly strung, talks about himself in the third person and speaks in a high-pitched voice. In addition he's often noted for screaming outrageous things and upsetting complete strangers. Tonight Beetlehead was pretending to drive Adam's car in the passenger seat, shouting and waving his arms around. To anyone else driving past it would either look like we were attempting to kidnap him or he was having some kind of fit. I'm just glad our local constabulary weren't around at the time.


06/12/05 - Newport
Been meaning to do a bit of digging round on the net to see if I could find various things that I thought about while away on tour. One of the things that cropped up in discussion with others on the bus was Cyderdelic. Fuckin amazing. A TV show all about three Levellers/Ozric Tentacles crusty types who stage environmental protests, drive round in an 'Ambience' and make truly amazing music. One of the best tunes they made is 'Bobby Rozzer' - you can find it here. Check out the euphoric breakdown half way through, fuckin quality. The intro to 'Cut the Traffic' is a touch of class too.


05/12/05 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Hooked up with Xain in Cardiff for his birthday. He looked happy to see us. Went to Nando's for munch and a chat then wandered round for a bit. Had a look in some shops, had a laugh, went for a cup of tea then went for impromptu afternoon workshop to see if we could get some ideas together.

It's funny how ideas work. Some see ideas as previously original concepts interpreted and perceived in a different light. Others see ideas as completely brand new opinions, thoughts or theories. I suppose it's the same with the argument of inventions. Someone once claimed that there was "nothing left to be invented". Others argued that there would always be things that mankind required. The argument here is whether these would be original concepts that no one has ever thought of or variations on a theme. Still, as long as people have problems, they'll always keep thinking of solutions. Is a solution an idea...? It must be a type of idea. All plans or schemes are ideas. As Hannibal from the A-Team would say, "I love it when the first inklings of an idea conclude in a manner that is satisfactory to me".


04/12/05 - Porth/Newport
Today we should have been supporting Feeder at the Birmingham NEC but it looks like the whole thing's been cancelled. Instead we're back in Newport which (to be honest) is a great relief. I'm not feeling my best and my hand's fucking killing.....

Got back and slept till 5pm then had one of those weird days that drags on forever cos previously you were doing so much. Time appears to move differently depending on the environment in which you find yourself.


03/12/05 - Newport/The Pop Factory Awards, Porth
Got back about 10.30am, then slept till 3pm. Back on the bus to be taken to Porth for this year's Pop Factory Awards. Nice people up that neck of the woods but something always happens to me whenever I'm up there (27/09/05). This time would be no exception.

We passed a pub on the corner on our way up and Hattsy happened to spot Eggsy on the telly through the window. "It's you Eggs, you're on Weakest Link" he shouted before Eggy's mobile started going crazy with texts and calls. We pulled up in the car park outside the converted lemonade factory and I wisely packed a TK-Maxx bag full of Strongbow before venturing inside. Did the press run outside then headed in and ran into the Automatic we'd just been on tour with. Top boys. Had a few in there. Then went downstairs for the main event. Had a few more. Got lost looking for the toilets then couldn't find the bar again. Went back to the bus and stocked up on more Bow. Got back and had a few more.

Our name was called out and we all charged onstage to claim rights to 'The Pop Factory Rock & Roll Excess Award 2005'. Said a few things then Xain had a go on the drums. Weren't allowed to sit down again so had to go upstairs and talk at people for a bit. Something got knocked over and something else broke, Ballsy was wandering round with someone's headphones on pretending to work in the studio, Hattsy was off his head and I was trying to get downstairs again to relocate the Bows I'd left in a plastic bag under the table.

It's after this point that we go into what I refer to as 'mental polaroid' mode. Mental snapshots of things that occured connected only by the absence of any other memories. Playing blackjack and making daft bets. People taking pictures on their phones. Someone drawing a caricature. Meeting Pritchard and Dainton from Dirty Sanchez. Cutting my finger on a bottle and spraying blood over people. It was deep and it wasn't stopping. I was drunk, running my finger under a tap in the toilets and didn't know what to do. I'd even got blood on my previously pristine Hi-Tec Silver Shadows that were new on that day (well, you've got to make an effort). Luckily, Thom the Tour Manager came to my rescue and before I knew it, I was being bandaged up somewhere in the Pop Factory. At some other stage, I was taken to an unknown hospital, assisted by ever-faithful Thom. We got bored of waiting in Accident and Emergency so decided to take a chance and head back again....

That's all I can remember. According to others aboard the bus, they were woken by the screams of Adam and Maggot shouting things like, "He's gone white, he must be losing blood", "no, he needs fresh air, get him outside" and "it must be his sugar levels, we need to boost his sugar levels". I'd cut my finger and lost some blood but I wasn't on the critical list just yet. Apparently Ballsy was woken up by Adam trying to feed me cola and nuts to keep me alive. It's good to know I can trust those boys in a crisis.


02/12/05 - Brighton Centre supporting Feeder
Woke up at 11am. Thought it was about 5pm cos the bus was parked under a building and there was no natural light. Panicked, rushed, fell out of my bunk and started stressing. Then decided to check the time and calmed down. Felt decidedly wonky today so went for a stroll on the beach to sort myself out.

What I'd visualised as a moody scene reminiscent of James Dean wandering around Times Square soon became a Brighton-based gale force comedy as I was blown from one side of the beach to the other. I managed to have a look at Brighton's West Pier, a sad and lonely structure waiting for permission to eventually topple into the sea and end it all. This walk wasn't doing my pysche any fucking favours. With decisive intent, I turned round and tried to make it back to the bus. Wandered along an underpass then down a back street, then tried to use my keen sense of direction to guide me back to the Mothership. Within 10 minutes, I was completely lost, fed up and began swearing to try to keep my spirits up. Another 20 minutes and I'd walked in a complete circle so retraced my steps from there. As I got on the bus, others were just getting up. Don't think they'd ever seen me up before them before so they instinctively thought something was wrong. After reassuring them, I laughed, replied I'd just been on the beach then went into the venue. There are certain things that happen that are difficult to put into words sometimes.

We didn't have time for a soundcheck today and Hattsy had had to leave for his Nan's funeral so we had to rejig the set a bit. 'The Alchemist' was back on again and my voice was just about back. The rest of the boys would have to cover Hattsy's bits (in a manner of speaking). Adam kept wandering round the dressing room trying to remember Hattsy's lyrics in 'Hit Song' and repeating the words "possessing my subconscious" over and over again like a mantra. Show time arrived and we dived into it headlong. Turned out to be a really good show again. All it takes is focus and determination. Armed with those two, you're not far off achieving anything.

We were back on the bus heading back to Newport when we heard that Feeder had had to abandon the show after three songs. Grant from the band had been suffering a severe throat infection that affected his singing. Looks like the rest of the tour may be under threat......


01/12/05 - Cardiff Internatial Arena supporting Feeder
Ballsy remembered to bring the infamous 'Grape Tapes' along today so we had all sorts of fun and games watching that on the bus, driving to Cardiff. For anyone that doesn't know, the 'Grape Tapes' document 5 years in the tumultuous life of Shaun Ryder. It's fucking hilarious and seriously worrying in equal measure. Check it out if you can.

Had a quick look round Cardiff while we had time and got back in time for the soundcheck. Forgotten just how big the Arena is. People can say '3000 people' or '4000 people' but I don't know what that looks like. It's only when you're physically walking round the venue that you get some idea of the real capacity and exactly what that means.

I couldn't figure out what kind of reaction we'd get tonight but I needn't have worried. It was amazing. Everything fell into place and came together at just the right time. Good old Cardiff, nice touch.

May have had a few by the time I got back on the bus. Insisted on playing Fabio & Grooveriders' 'Drum & Bass Arena' till the early hours, shouting and repeatedly punching the roof of the bus in heightened excitement. Makes up for the Early-Morning Slade Sessions anyway.


30/11/05 - Back in the Port
Our first day off in nine days....! Amazing. Lots of sleep, full on recovery session. Voice seems to be returning after time spent in a warm homestead, hot shower and a decent bed for a change. Watched 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' then went back to sleep.


29/11/05 - Blackpool Empress Ballroom supporting Feeder
I knew we'd arrived in Blackpool when the first thing I spotted out of one of the vents on the bus roof was the Tower with disco lights on the top. I can remember being taken to Blackpool when we came to visit relatives and walking on the pier, getting distracted by the illuminations and almost being run over by a tram like Alan Bradley in Coronation Street.

With such misadventures all but a memory, we strolled around the impressive venue and then I took Adam Hussain in search of the 'The Who Shop'. It was quality, they've got all sorts of shit in there. Kryten's head from Red Dwarf, a proper Predator mask and a full-size dalek powered by an electric wheelchair. One of the blokes in the shop took great pains to explain to Adam that it was his pride and joy, no it wasn't for sale and if he wanted one it'd cost him the best part of four grand. We left soon after that.

I hooked up with my Uncle Andrew and his wife Val before the show. It was great to see them, haven't seen them for ages. Andrew used to work as a singer/songwriter before becoming a professional DJ so knows all about this touring lark. It was nice just to catch up and find out what they're up to. They live in Blackpool and explained the differences between the Summertime vibe and Winter chillin. Like any coastal resort, it's literally rammed in the Summer with all sorts of crazy sights at night. Come Winter, it's akin to being the last people alive.

When it was time for the show, we weren't even sure anyone had been allowed in. By the time our cue during 'Fanfare for the Common Man' arrived, they'd all magically appeared. Once again, the crowd were very enthusiastic and cheered in all the right spots. If we keep going like this, it should be alright.


28/11/05 - Doncaster Dome supporting Feeder
Eggs had to leave earlier today to get down to London for 'Celebrity Weakest Link'. Met some of the boys from Feeder and then headed off to catering. That's proper touring - it's surprising just how much of a difference getting someone in to cook for you makes. Had a look round the venue and the kind of stage setup they had going on. Must have had massive production values cos the whole thing was huge. Had a few 'Circles of Death' in the main arena then got ready for the show.

You need to adjust yourself accordingly when you're supporting other bands so soon after your own tour. For instance, it's not just the fact that you're on earlier or that no-one backstage automatically knows who you are, it's the fact that the crowd you're playing to haven't necessarily come to see you and will let you know if you don't make the effort. When it came to the show, the crowd were surprisingly responsive and it all went well. Enjoyed showers and then headed back to catering for our main meal of the day. Come on!


27/11/05 - Brecon Market Hall
Woke up at 3.30pm. I'd thought I was at home lying in my own bed and dreamt as such. Woke myself up properly and had a wander round the venue - quite literally an old meat market. Did the soundcheck, voice still not 100%. Headed off to a newby lounge bar that had been renamed 'The You Knows It Bar' for the day and had a couple of Bows. Very nice.

Good winter fare was what was needed next so we arranged to meet up at the 'Charles Hotel' for quality munch. They had massive murals of countryside scenes and rolling valleys on the walls. Lovely. Had to head back to the bus so braved the cold and got our shit together.

The venue was packed, even a place as big as that. After a couple of songs, someone in the now traditional robot costume decided to climb one of the pillars at the front of the crowd. They were pulled back into the waiting throng shortly after whereupon bits of the robot suit could be seen flying out of the crowd where the robot had landed and a riot broke out. It's difficult not to get distracted when things like this are going on around you but you try your best. Rest of the night seemed to go really well. Here endeth the 'No Sleep Till Brecon' tour. We'd had a few kips in between but for now, our mission was complete.


26/11/05 - Wrexham Central Station
There's no greater sight in the morning than that of a walk-in style carvery sandwich shop on the high street. Beef rolls with roast onions, horseradish and stuffing for two and a half quid. Yowser. Wrexham's good to us.

Bus was parked just across the road from TK Maxx, so braced for a Maxx Attack. Picked up some amazing leish off the bargain rail and had a look in a place called 'Music Zone' that seems to specialise in doing cheap DVDs. Never seen it before but managed to pick up 'Dirty Harry' and the remake of 'Dawn of the Dead' on DVD for four quid each. Bargain. Met some lads from 'The Old Swan' that we'd hooked up with last time. Friendly people here. Watched Wales play Australia in a nearby Wetherspoons then headed back to the venue.

Gig went well, managed to get through it thanks to the power of ultra-chloraseptic spray. Lots of enthusiasm and a good venue, full of mentalist charm. Had a shower back at a hotel called 'The Waterwings' or something then went back to the Central Station for a few drinks. Met lots of friendly heads and two separate people both celebrating their 21st birthdays. Xain was working behind the bar again.


25/11/05 - Bridgend Recreation Centre
Voice has now gone completely. Can only speak in rasping noises. No-one understands me. Quite literally. Have to use obvious hand signals when trying to communicate. Had a signing at Jungle Records again. Picked up Beecham's Powders and Ultra Chloraseptic spray from Boots on the way. What a fucking nightmare that was. Loads more pointing and grinning like an idiot. I even signalled for a pen and paper to try to speed up the request, simply met with a look of complete confusion. How hard can it be...?

Met Australian Mel from the London Curry Sessions at Kate's House in a cafe in Bridgend. That was pretty surreal. Lovely to see her.

We got back to the bus to find it surrounded by schoolkids who were pelting it with snowballs. With military precision we prepared some ammunition and launched a fierce counter-attack. Turned out it was some of the kids from the same school that we visited with Radio 1 for a day. Nice reunion. We were parked outside the leisure centre so thought I should go and check out the sauna and steam room to try to resurrect my voice. No such luck. Got some strange looks from people walking past the sauna when they heard a man whose voice was just breaking trying to rap. Cut my losses and headed for the spa. Was joined by a large mature lady who wanted to tell me all about her rheumatism.

Had to swap 'The Alchemist' for 'No Joke' today while my voice had gone. It's weird, may have been because George Best had just died or because it was freezing outside but it wasn't exactly the Friday night party crowd I'd expected. We went all out as per usual but it did seem harder to get a reaction than normal.


24/11/05 - Aberystwyth University
*(Apologies for writing in short sentences, this was how my mind was working at the time....)*
I'm rough. Coughing. Losing my voice. Set off to signing. 'Andy's Records'. Cold. Sea breeze. Had curry delivered. Chicken tikka starter and garlic naan. Made Indian sandwich (recommended). Gig went well. Kept screaming due to lack of voice. Made voice worse. Had to get back to bus. Fuckin freezin. Xain was serving behind student bar. States he 'likes to help out'. Feeling even worse now. Went to bed. Didn't sleep till 5am due to Eggsy's themed nightclub downstairs on the bus - 'The Slade & Summer Cocktail Sessions'.


23/11/05 - Bangor University
Must have needed sleep last night. Had a weird dream about Special Forces Agents travelling from the future to our time in order to erase me from history. Sounds like crazy bollocks but I woke with a start, attempted to sit up and smacked my head on the roof of the bunk.

Had a signing at 'Cob Records' in Bangor. Sometimes people have worked out how many people are in the band, how much room they need and how many pens need to be provided. Other times, all eight of us are crowded round a wonky table with two chairs and a chewed biro between us. I'll let you figure out which occured today. Regardless, I'm happy to say that lots of people popped down to say "alright?", not least a man who insisted that we sign all his copies of the Big Issue as we were on the cover. Fair enough. Had the pleasure of hooking up with one Al Fresco who we met at Leeds last year. Lovely lad. Went for a few beers then realised that nearly everyone in the pub was wearing homemade GLC gear. Headed back to the bus as a camera crew were doing some kind of 'Through the Keyhole' type affair and we had to 'organise' things (ie. tidy the bus up and shift any incriminating evidence).

After fine dining at the 'Fatcat Cafe', we got back to prepare for the show. Bangor went off tonight and so did all the hot water in the building. Luckily, one of the students who was working at the venue invited us back to use their amenities. The rest of their housemates couldn't believe the multicoloured leisurewear machine tramping round their lovely warm abode. Big up to those Unknown Soldiers, their hospitality matched only by their confusion as to what we were actually doing there. Got back to the bus, said our goodbyes to Al Fresco and took off into the night.


22/11/05 - Patti Pavilion, Swansea
Woke up late and had to find food quickly. We had a record signing to turn up to so time was of the essence. There was a pub called 'The Cricketers' round the corner from where the bus was parked so headed off down there. I'd heartily recommend their sausage sandwiches. Got a taxi to 'Derrick's Records' of Swansea and we were all a little dismayed to find that Derrick had departed this life some 15 years earlier. During the signing, we were presented with a special award from Undercurrents for 'Best Use of a Mini Cooper' (see 24/10/05). Funnily enough, it's actually called a 'MISTY Award'.


After that unexpected surprise, we had a wander round Swansea to see what we could see. There were a whole load of wooden chalet stalls set up towards the edge of town selling mulled wine, german sausages and other bits and bobs. I bought a mug of hot chocloate while Billy Webb and Tomothy got stuck into some mulled wine. On our way back we spotted a man with a massive beard wearing sunglasses and 3-D specs over the top, he looked amazing. We also spotted a lovely lady with rainbow dreads and a painted face buying a bumper pack of Rennie in Superdrug. She looked like she was still living each day touched by the Spirit of Ibiza.

I've a feeling that this show sold out too, either way it was heaving by the time we came on. Had another good old fashioned knees up and that was it. Off to the next port of call....Bangor!


21/11/05 - London/Newport/Blackwood Miner's Institute
Early start today. Bit spaced out from last night but nothing too hectic. Popped down the corner shop to replace some of the items I'd taken from the hotel minibar then we were taken down to Maida Vale for a live hook-up with Jo Whiley. We'd been asked to do one of our songs and a cover of another song. We did a swear-free 'RnB' (still quite tricky) and a punk rock cover of James Blunt's 'You're Beautiful'. Both worked pretty well by all accounts.

We caught a train back to Newport. On the way Xain was trying to teach me about how soundwaves travel and 'sound pressure levels'. Think it might have been a bit too complicated for me to grasp the first time round. From Newport we rejoined the Mothership and set off to the prestigious Blackwood Miner's Institute for a sell-out show. Good venue, good show and a good way to start the new tour. Joining us in the dressing room after was Kate from the NME London curry session, one Matching Metal Socks and four drunk young ladies who wondered if we might have any spare food they could take back to their house. We duly obliged commending them on their resourcefulness and rewarding them with tubs of humous. I've no real idea what that stuff is anyway.


20/11/05 - Newport/London
Off to London today as we're on Radio 1 with Jo Whiley tomorrow. Eggs and Xain went down there yesterday to hook up with Eddy Temple-Morris of Xfm fame and present him with a specially crafted 'GLC Xfm Christmas Party Mixtape'. Most of us got down to the Funbus/Mothership at 3pm but Adam and Billy had been out partying hard the night before. Not to be outdone, I rammed loads of Strongbow in on the way down and was pretty much smashed by the time we got to London. Had to do an interview for the BBC with Adam and Mike Balls about retro gaming but can't really remember what happened. There are independent accounts that indicate I was insisting in speaking my own language again so I reckon I must have gone to bed early.


19/11/05 - Newport
Spent most of today rushing round desperately trying to locate various bits of random leisurewear left lying around. The 'No Sleep Till Brecon' tour starts on Monday and then we're off supporting Feeder up and around the UK. Should be quality. No doubt I'll have plenty more tour stories to recount when we're done so you'll just have to hold tight till then......


18/11/05 - Liverpool/Wrexham/Newport
Woke up in Liverpool to be taken over to 'Hollyoaksland' for more experiences with the magic of television. One of the taxi drivers was playing 'Your Mother's Got A Penis' at top whack when he picked us up, lit a spliff and was reportedly hugging the wheel when he reached our destination. I thought they'd taken us to the wrong place cos all I could see was a large grey building that said 'Grange Hill' on the side. Apparently, they actually film them in the same place.

We met Gemma Atkinson (who played the lovely bird in the 'RnB' video) again and had a wander round on set before raiding the canteen downstairs. Had to pop back upstairs to shoot some scenes in a nightclub. Can't really say too much about the Hollyoaks thing apart from it's the 'Hollyoaks Let Loose' program, it's set on Christmas Eve and Mike Balls gets a chance to 'Defend the Chain'. That's it, you'll just have to watch it for your good selves.

On the rest of the cast's advice, we avoided lunch at the canteen and headed off to a local pub. Classic winter fare followed with scampi and Strongbow never too far away. The bus had followed us to our shooting location so we all tramped back aboard and rolled into our bunks for a good 2 - 3 hours. Felt great after waking up, re-energized and ready to tear shit up. Unfortunately, all we'd be doing for the next couple of hours would be the same scene over and over again. It must get pretty frustrating for everyone involved trying to get one continuous shot. Soon enough, we had to say our fond farewells and head off to Wrexham for Children In Need.

Once there, we were pretty much ready to get on stage. Classic sketch for the boys, no swearing or they'll refuse to have us on again. Only problem was that I'd never had to censor myself before. Do I just pretend to say it, cough half way through or make up new words that no one's heard before...? I seemed to manage it with a combination of coughs, grunts and beeps. Apparently 6000 people turned up despite the bitter cold coupled with a freezing breeze blowing in off the coast. Really good response - smiles, laughter and cheering in all the right places. We had to come off a song early because of live link-ups and satellites and stuff, so said our goodbyes and left them to the sweet mercy of the Sugababes.

It was a nice journey home. A kind of elated tiredness, a satisfied exhaustion that comes from a job well done.


17/11/05 - Newport/Wrexham/Liverpool
Had to head off to Wrexham on the bus tonight to do a camera rehearsal for tomorrow's 'Children In Need' charity event. On the way down we had a call from Dipper Nan, creator of 'Bedsit' and seller of 42" plasma screen TVs on the cheap. Eggs became increasingly excited at the nature of the call, called us all round and put his phone on loudspeaker. Dan then went on to tell us that his brother King Jacko was returning from living in a camper in Oz and that he was hoping to be back all over Christmas. Always nice to pop down to Dipper's house at Christmas, his folks do an amazing spread and make you feel really at home.

"That's something else I've got to tell you" remarked Dipper Nan. "I'm working with a bloke who used to do the voice for He-Man and Masters of the Universe". Dan's remarks were met with stunned silence followed by pockets of laughter. "No, it's true right, he's a building contractor now and owns a whole load of JCB's that move stuff around. I've had a 'By the Power of Greyskull' and two 'I Have the Powers' already today....."


16/11/05 - Newport
And a few more for ya. See if there's any faces you know.....

         


15/11/05 - Newport
More memories from the now legendary 'Penis Rally' courtesy of one Mr. Mike Hale of Brum. It's almost like looking at photographs from the Victorian era. Check it.

         


14/11/05 - Newport
We were honoured enough to receive a visit from one Howard Marks and his mate Bernie today. They'd come down with a two man film crew from Channel 5 News to catch some bits and bobs with us on film. Graham the Bear took this opportunity to find out Uncle Howard's opinion on his theories relating to 'Nocturnal Emissions' (see 08/11/05). Howard replied that unfortunately although they sounded plausible, Graham's theories were shit as any man handcuffed to a bed still thoroughly enjoying himself would testify.

We had a wander outside down past the canal to a pub called the Lyceum Tavern. It's great when Uncle Howard comes to see us. We can have a chat about any old shit and he'll suddenly turn it all on its head within a few sentences and tell you about Ancient Greece or how gravity can be harnessed into growing really strong weed or something equally startling. It's like he educates people without them even realizing. Amazing. I can see how he would have fared well in police interrogations.

Hattsy recounted a story of 'Cathy the Singing Nun' who used to sit in a corner of the Tavern and bang out her own versions of Led Zeppelin songs and glam rock classics. We had a few more pints and Hattsy decided to play his rendition of 'When I'm Sixty Four' on a battered old piano. It's not the fact that it was out of tune or the fact that Hats seemed to have trouble playing the right notes but the whole thing sounded amazingly bad to the delight of all present. It's curious to note that there are few things funnier than people doing things really badly. A few pints later and we had to say sad goodbyes to Uncle Howard, Bernie and the film crew and let them get on their way.

Got back and had a 'get in nice' session at Adam's. Had some food and fell asleep under my jacket next to the fire in Adam's living room. Watched 'Escape From New York' with the rest of the boys and then went home.


13/11/05 - Back in the Port
Behold! Playing in theatres near you: "Attack of the Futuristic Market Traders". (See 31/10/05).

 


12/11/05 - London/Newport
Must have had a few last night as I was feeling the power today. Got the train back to the Port. Kept nodding off, snorting, looking confused, smiling at the people I'd disturbed and then re-starting the cycle again. Got back, stuck the fire on, played with the cat from next door then relaxed in front of the telly. Had a herbal bath (no really) then hit the sheets. It's great going to bed straight out of the bath. It's like recreating the Sunday night feeling of having to go to school the next day and knowing you don't have to go anywhere. Yay.


11/11/05 - London
Had the afternoon off, so that was spent enjoying my bed. We'd also been told that an NME competition winner had won our company for the evening so got ourselves together, picked up some booze and set off to Kate's house. What a lovely time. We met all her housemates and got involved in some London Chicken Tikka Masala - if it's bright orange it's a London CTM, if it's red/crimson it's a Newport CTM. Despite not being a Newport CTM, it was still very nice. The takeaway establishment didn't understand the concept of half and half either but never mind.

We got hammered and then half way through the night I realised I'd met her before. "Yes, at the Scala gig" she said. "I was the one who had a fight with your Tour Manager trying to get on your tourbus". This newly-gleaned information didn't diminish the nice vibe of the night but before long we were encouraged to leave while we could still stand. Hugs all round and enthusiastic farewells sent us off on our way into the night. Glorious.

         

         
(Just in case you're wondering about the pain etched on Adam's face in the last picture, he'd just been accidentally kicked in the balls).


10/11/05 - Newport/London
Back down to London for us today. First on the agenda was hooking up with the delightful Myleene Klass in a studio to try teaching her 'rapping techniques'. A roll of pink gaffer tape was found by Hattsy rumaging through some cupboards and we convinced her that wearing the tape on her face was a good idea. She responded by forcing us all to wear the tape also which we agreed to do. We all agreed we had a damn good look by the end. After our tearful farewells, we headed off to the Riverside studios for the 'Russell Brand Show'.

Posh food, free beer and a lovely riverside balcony for us to relax on watching nutters on boats go rowing on the Thames through the darkness while a man screamed at them through a megaphone. We were invited along to finish off the show with a performing dog and her owner called Sheeba or Lollipop or something (the dog, not the owner). Came on at the end, waved to Jessica Stevenson from Spaced, got out of the way of the dog and then discovered my mic wasn't working. Carried on as per normal and my voice appeared out of nowhere two lines from the end of my verse. Regardless, the all-knowing gods of television deemed this 'good enough' for the industry so we set off on our way back to the hotel.

Hattsy had wisely invested in some Strongbow so we had some of that and carried on partying till the wee hours. Additional information: This just in. Independent sources state that I may or may not have made up my own language after downing 7 or 8 half-pint 'shots' in succession in Hattsy's room. I then declared the room to be under state law and commandeered Billy's bed for my own use. Sorry Bill. Once the revolution comes, you'll be one of the heads of state.


09/11/05 - Newport
I've been researching into the life of the author Philip K Dick recently. It's only cos the Mac Dad showed me a copy of his biography at the weekend that it rekindled my interest. I remembered him from reading 'Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep' years ago after experimenting in my head with concepts of reality and illusion. This was one of the biggest challenges that plagued him for years, trying to determine whether we're actually living in make-believe worlds of our own creation. Or not.

Ironically, if his greatest goal in life was to distinguish between reality and illusion or to discover which made up more of his life, he'd find a few things to distract him along the way. Living in parallel universes and parallel lives at the same time as his own, artificial satellites communicating with Earth via 'pink laser beams' and keeping an 8000 page, million word journal are just some of the things that made up his day-to-day life. Psychologists believe that he exhibited all the symptoms of 'frontal lobe epilepsy' but could never fully explain how he sometimes communicated in long-forgotten languages or knew his son was seriously ill when doctors could find nothing wrong.

As mentioned above, he was bang into his own Musings too. Check these out. Works of undiscovered genius or whispers of a madman...? You decide.


08/11/05 - Newport
Adam and Graham the Bear have just acquired 'The Warriors', the video game of the film so Eggs and I popped down to say hello and assist them in a virtual universe of violence and gang warfare.

Graham and Eggs got drunk later that night and a heated debate began on the nature of 'nocturnal emissions'. According to Graham's argument, wet dreams are solely a result of a man 'assisting himself', whether conscious or not. This hypothesis was based on a story of him being 'assaulted' in his sleep only to realize that the assailant was himself several confused minutes later. Eggs launched an attack on Graham's scientific prowess by declaring Graham an 'animal', that he didn't know what Pyrex was and that had he seen the films that he'd seen during science lessons he'd know that the whole act was completely spontaneous. The discussion continued for a good hour or so with many theories, calculations, hypothetical scenarios and 'down the pub' stories aired and analysed but no solid conclusions being drawn. It's true what they say, there are certain things that man was never meant to meddle with.


07/11/05 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
We were invited down to the Pop Factory Nominations at the Hard Rock Cafe in Cardiff today. Don't actually think I've ever been to a Hard Rock Cafe before. It was amazing. I saw one of Billy Idol's guitars and pictures of Elton John in a tracksuit. We met Dainton from Dirty Sanchez, always nice to see him. He explained that the rest of the boys were suffering collective hangovers, were ill and/or couldn't be arsed. We also bore witness to a band called 'The Automatic' who'll be supporting us for the Welsh tour later this month. Young lads but full of hi-energy manoeuvres. I'm sure they'll be made more than welcome.


06/11/05 - Newport
Woke up with a start. It's not often that I get dreams that are so unsettling and so weird that the shock of them occuring rouses me from my slumber. I was walking through a supermarket and my phone started ringing. I looked at the display and it read 'Nigeria Calling'. Without thinking, I answered the phone and immediately heard a booming laugh like Baron Samedi out of 'Live and Let Die'. I instinctively knew that me and my phone were cursed and doomed to wander round in a supermarket forever.....that's when I woke up, scared shitless.

Now, this is what gets me: How can one part of my brain assemble a scenario that scares me so much that it wakes me up...? Surely it's akin to having two or more people in my head wrestling for control. Admittedly, my sleep patterns were all over the place from the night before and it was 4pm when I woke up so my body may have been as confused as my mind was. Perhaps it works like a subtle yet primitive alarm clock - it's the middle of the day and my body knows that so it instructs part of my brain to wake up the mind and kick start conscious thought. If that's the case, well fair enough but I wish it wouldn't use Baron Samedi.


Click Baron Samedi


05/11/05 - Newport
It's Bonfire Night again and the amount of fireworks bursting above our heads has increased dramatically since last year. Is this the same all over the UK or is it just the good people of Newport who seem obsessed with blowing things up...?

Hooked up with my brother and his missus for a few Bonfire Night drinks. It was the Mac Dad's birthday today so we had a little get together with old faces and new. Delightful but inevitably ending in carnage. All got back to Hywel's (King Vampire) for extended drinking experiments.

I regained consciousness on Hywel's sofa surrounded by other Creatures of the Night stirring and groaning. Still unsteady on my feet, I convinced Eggsy to get me home as I was still incapable. Luckily for me he did, I returned at midday and slept....


04/11/05 - Newport
If everyone in the whole world told the truth for a day, would it be for the better or for the worse....?


03/11/05 - Newport
Here's another one of those things where I don't really understand how it works but I'm certainly glad it does: internet radio. The great thing is that unlike conventional radio, there are literally so many stations out there that (almost) every taste is catered for. In fact, if you don't find what you're after, that's almost the only kind of impetus you need to set one up yourself. If you know how. Which I don't.

I'm using a crazy free universal player called 'Winamp'. You can get a whole shitload of internet radio stations through this and other players. What to listen to....? Ah, I'm glad you asked. This one's the bollocks: Based in San Francisco and churning out a continuous blend of ambient and chilled beats and breaks - Groove Salad FM. Proper floaty choons for all occasions. Nice.


02/11/05 - Newport/London/Newport
Headed down to London in a shit minibus today for some magazine interviews and filming with Popworld. All seemed to go well. According to the folk in the know, the interview airs on Channel 4 on the 12th, the song airs on the 19th and 'RnB' itself is released on the 21st which just so happens to be the 1st night of the Welsh tour too.


01/11/05 - Newport
Been listening to the Oral Blogs/Podcasts that we did in Bristol today. It's hilarious to think that essentially all we're doing is recounting stories of life on the road and living in Newport but these are the kind of stories that need to be told. It's true when Eggs states it's "a means of telling folk tales through the medium of the internet". If we hadn't, many of these gems would lie dormant and forgotten, like sparkling jewels in a waterfall or a replicant's tears in rain.

If you were unfortunate enough to miss out the 1st time round don't worry, they're all here, yo:
Oral Blogs 1 - Your Missus Is A Nutter
Oral Blogs 2 - All About Maggot
Oral Blogs 3 - Tripple Nipple
Oral Blogs 4 - Mr Pipes and Adam's Nan
Oral Blogs 5 - The Grande Finale


31/10/05 - Newport/Vale of Glamorgan/Newport
As soon as I fell asleep, I was up again being told to get off the bus. Drove home and rolled back into bed. Slept for three-quarters of an hour then had to drive to this posh gaff for an article with Golf Punk magazine.

The Golf Punk people came down complete with an obscenely expensive selection of horrific golfing attire which we tried on with glee. Can't wait to see the article and the photographs. Fuck knows what the members thought of us wandering around. I spotted one old dude literally open-mouthed at the sight of Billy walking past looking like a pyschedelic Lord of the Manor. We were supplied with a set of clubs each, shown to our buggies and set off towards the green. Once there, chaos began unfolding in all directions. Ballsy chipped a golf ball into the side of Nienke's head, golf buggies began churning up mud over the course and then a bloke who was taking shots at the green we were stood next to started shouting and waving his arms. Not really understanding what was going on, we just waved back for a bit.

After a few more photographs, we headed down to a delightful 'island hole' surrounded by water like on Super Mario Golf or Tiger Woods. More messing about meant a visit from the 'Golf Police' who escorted us back to the clubhouse. We met a chap called Clive who gave us an in-depth tutorial on the basics, intricacies and aesthetics of playing golf. He'd been playing for thirty years so he knew his stuff. After whacking two buckets of golf balls each on the driving ranch with varying degrees of success, we settled down to some well deserved munch. The weather took a turn for the worse shortly after so we said our thank-yous and goodbyes and headed off back to Newport, Land of Chillin and Sleep.


30/10/05 - Edinburgh/Newport
All the cash machines in Edinburgh have gone crazy. Not like in Superman III when they start spewing money out but by giving us weird messages and card rejections. Must be something to do with the clocks going back. Or the fact it's the day before Halloween. Or because Adam's Tour Manager so he's automatically the one responsible for the cash machines and anything else going wrong today.

Xain watched an episode of 'Most Haunted' where they go into the vaults underneath Edinburgh Castle and wanted to do the same in a valiant attempt to instigate a ghost hunt. Now I'm all for paranormal investigations but surely not before a gig. As if wandering round cold dungeons for an hour and a half isn't enough, there's the added danger of pyschic exhaustion. I've seen Derek Acorah getting possessed by spirits on numerous occasions and he's always knackered by the end of it. Crossing different planes of existence must be like running a spiritual marathon. In addition they had actual spiritualist mediums up in the Castle conducting a mass seance in an attempt to research reported poltergeist activity. Too much for me. I'll just stay on the bus and have a few Strongbows, thank you.

The show went really well. Dominik Diamond and chums popped by to say hello and quaff some ales. Always lovely to see Mr. Diamond. I'd always admired his works since the days of Gamesmaster. Besides the Diamond getting away with crap double entendres before the watershed ("Waggling your joystick in the privacy of your bedroom", etc.) and delightful young maidens in skimpy outfits handing out awards, you'd also encounter one Patrick Moore looking like a cyber-mentalist giving hints and tips to young folk who'd got themselves stuck on computer games.....

     
Young Person: "Hello Gamesmaster. I'm playing 'Electric Fuzzy Bee Lethal Killing Machine' but keep getting stuck on the end of level guardian in the Honey Palace. Can you help me please.....?"

Gamesmaster: "Well young man, what a sticky mess you've got yourself into. Tell you what, it's the 90's, you're young, healthy and relatively intelligent - why not fuck it all off and go outside to play with other young scamps....? There's a whole real world waiting for you to explore outside. Now be off with you"

Young Person: "Erm....thanks Gamesmaster. You've been a great help"


29/10/05 - Newport/Edinburgh
Had to set off for Edinburgh tonight for a gig at the Liquid Rooms tomorrow. Stopped by at Billy's for a couple of hours as he was having a Halloween fancy dress party early. In a strange twist of fate, we watched 'The Warriors' on the bus on the way up. Amazing. The sign of a gritty 70's urban film for me is a wicked soundtrack, a solid quotable script and gangs that emphasize how hard they are by dressing up in campy matching costumes (with good multicoloured face paint if needed). Adam's supposed to be taking over as Tour Manager tomorrow looking after the rest of us. I wonder how he'll cope...?


28/10/05 - Newport
Managed to catch the Chain on telly today on 'The Money Program'. In a report entitled 'Burberry Versus the Chavs', we popped up to explain our side of the story with regards to the 'Chavalier' and why it had to be destroyed on the demands of humourless law people. To anyone who doesn't already know the story, Max Power ran an article on us with a custom-made 'Chavalier' - a Vauxhall Cavalier with a horrible check style paint job.

   
We drove it round for a bit and pulled some handbrake turns in a supermarket car park. It even made an appearance on the open roads for the now-infamous 'Penis Rally' where Burberry clad nutcases and leisuresuited Chainheads marched on London. The Super Furries had their multicoloured techno tank, the KLF had their Ford Galaxy Police Interceptor, we had a fucked Cavalier with no MOT and various obscenities sprayed on the side.

     
However, all good things must come to an end. We had to hand the keys back and the Max Power people decided to stick it on eBay, just to see what would happen. Of course after that kind of publicity everyone wanted a go and soon bids reached the giddy heights of £1,200 - this is where the Burberry Killjoy Krew decided to have words. They demanded not only the immediate destruction of the Chavalier but video evidence of the car being wrecked. The problem, they stated, was that the Burberry design was being used without permission and on a project that they hadn't approved (translation: had no control over).

A lot of people said that their response was a little over the top. After all, they could have claimed ownership of the car and used it up and down the UK when opening new stores. Saying that, was the car actually ever destroyed...? We may never know. A number of shadowy characters seem to think that another car was quickly resprayed and crushed to keep the legal eagles happy and flying high. I like to think that it became conscious of its own existence like in 'Herbie Goes Bananas', realised it was under threat and did a runner, screeching and wheelspinning off into the night. Perhaps he'll return in a sequel and ramraid the front of the Burberry store.


27/10/05 - Newport
After a few gentle early afternoon pints, a return home for a delightful mid-afternoon nap that takes you nicely into early evening, there's no better way to top this off than by going back out again, getting blind drunk, watching an episode of the A-Team and then getting delivered home at 3.45am by a Dragon Taxi that happens to be a bright red imported Chrysler with an aeroplane engine installed. Recommended.


26/10/05 - Newport
Back in the day, round about this time of year, I'd have been playing in the woods and come back home for my tea as it got dark. It'd be a Sunday evening and I'd be thinking about how I could try to get out of school the next day. Before my Mum would run a bath and chuck me in, there'd be some kind of BBC drama adaptation of a book or something like 'Chronicles of Narnia', 'Elidor' or my own personal favourite, 'The Box of Delights'. This was like an 80's version of a Playstation but it made you fly or shrink really small. I've managed to find a clip that has stuck in my head ever since I saw it the first time round. You'll need Realplayer but just check this out for tripping out in your living room.....


25/10/05 - Newport
Been reliably informed by one Adam Hussain that it's TV spirit medium Derek Acorah's last show with 'Most Haunted' this weekend. The thing is, 'Most Haunted' DVD's are a firm family favourite on the bus. Many are the times we've played back and re-played segments to see whether it was an orb, an optical illusion, a spectre or a bit of congealed curry sauce that we spotted on the telly. I don't have any of these posh channels at home, just the regular terrestrial stuff so it's always a treat to see 'what the other half watch'.

We managed to get some tickets to go and see Derek Acorah live in Bristol. It was amazing. He talked to some cat and dog spirits and then started talking to cows. I don't know why. I was amazed by the format of the show. For some reason I was expecting fireworks, a lone spotlight and a high chair, a musical number or two sat at a piano and then a grand finale. Sometimes I get things a bit mixed up in my head. Mind you, a 'Royal Variety Performance: Psychic Special' would be wicked.


24/10/05 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
It's nice to get back to the 80's every now and then. As testament to an innocent period where life seemed to go on forever, there will always be certain things that make you remember that amazing decade. Shit hot TV, like 'Bullseye' or 'Kickstart'. Rubik's Cubes. Geoff Capes. People sitting in bathtubs of baked beans for charity. Being allowed to bring in toys and board games at school for charity. Seeing how many people you can get in a Mini for charity. And so it came to pass that we were told to gather down Cardiff Bay and try our hands at all getting into a small British-made mode of transport. The results are displayed for your delectation below....

     
Bear cruel witness to the pain, relish the agony of a load of blads in a tiny car. It's all for a charity called 'Shelter' that campaign for the right of everyone to safe, suitable and affordable housing. Remember...? It's all about the simple things that we'd normally take for granted.


23/10/05 - Newport/Manchester/Newport
I was still knackered from the London break so as soon as the tour bus arrived, I rolled into my 'space pod' style bunkbed and crashed. The extreme sports festival came and went, then we flew across Europe to Tibet where we were staying in some crazy log cabins. It was a lovely village but people across the way were talking too loudly and caused an avalanche to fall covering us in our lovely chalets beneath the snow. As I was trying to formulate a plan to get us out of this, I was distracted by our tour manager shouting at me to get of bed. I'd dreamt that I'd already done what I was about to. At that stage it was like going back in time or restarting a day that you'd already lived. I was most confused.

We had to get our photos taken for the passes backstage. Here's the result, check out both my radical stance and pseudonym for the day, yo.....

 
So as can be gathered so far, not a lot of us really knew what was going on. We had some interviews with extreme sports people, had a chat with a student TV station and had the honour of meeting a motorcross pro from UK FMX who used to go to Crosskeys College in Risca. So far so safe. Apparently Maggot had to have a go on a BMX on the ramps in front of the crowds although I would have thought a penny farthing would be more appropriate. Big wheel up....! Did the show with bright lights and handheld cameras buzzing all around. Seemed to go quite well, although it was more of a 'family fun day' then the kind of crowd you'd get at the X-Games or Slam Dunk Funky Olympics or something. Had to leave soon after to head back to the Port. Once again rolled back into my space pod and soon reconnected with the cosmos.


22/10/05 - London/Newport
London reminds me of a crazy, illogical force of nature in the way it never stops. All the time things are happening, throughout the night, neverending, ever dynamic, flowing. However, all things must come to an end and this is how I found myself back in the Eye of the Storm of confusion of public transport in London. I can't stand it. Nasty. Really hot, then a gust of wind, then loads of people, then escalators, then armed police, then the horrible stench of clutch fluid and then all over again.

It's a great place but I don't think I could ever live there. 7 million people just shouldn't live in such close proximity. With my present mindset, I could never count myself as one of them. It's not just the physical aspect of being surrounded by people, it's the mental realization that they're always there, all over the place, there's little or no escape. With great joy and relief, I find myself back in Newport and wonder what Londoners would think of our little bit of Welsh Paradise. Maybe it would terrify them like London does me. Think about it from that perspective: Literally nothing happens, at certain times at night all the streets are deserted and people all go to bed at the same time. Sounds good to me.

Off to the Action Sports World Championships at Manchester Evening News Arena tomorrow. Should be a bit of fun.


21/10/05 - London
Still keeping with the 'semi-cultured' theme, we headed over to Westminster today for the 'International Manga and Anime Festival 2005'. Again, it's all free to have a look around and and it's something to do so it kept us busy. Think it needs a few more people dressed up in ridiculous costumes or buttons to press with flashing lights. Perhaps someone dressed as a giant Japanese robot pretending to blow people up with rubber rockets or something. Just an idea. Stopped by Wagamama's for some well-needed nourishment in the form of chicken, noodles, soup and vegetable dumplings. Good winter fare.


20/10/05 - London
Staying over at my friend Dylan's with his missus, Anjali. We decided to head over to Notting Hill to have a look at Banksy's exhibition that everyone's talking about. Maggot called to say that he'd just passed us on the bus so we hooked up and he employed some of his 'secret knowledge' of London to get us to our destination. It wasn't that big but it was pretty cool. It's got about 180 live rats running round the whole exhibition, one of them took an interest in me and started nibbling the bottom of my jeans. You could only spend about 5 minutes in the exhibition before they kick you out again but it doesn't really take that long. Nice to do something semi-cultured for a change.

Talking of which, I almost forgot to tell you about the casino story. Decided to pop down to a posh casino for some sophisticated fun and games as Anjali's a member and can get two guests in. They took one look at me and almost called security there and then. Even dressed in my best jeans, t-shirt and trainers, I wasn't to be allowed entry. I explained that I was unused to what I referred to as 'Big City Life', advised that I was a mere country yokel from some obscure backwater village and politely enquired if they had a lost property box with which I may try to pass as someone who visits casinos unhindered by dress codes. Impressed with my humility and apparent wide-eyed astonishment at 'Life in the City', they swapped my ski jacket and cap for a suit jacket and sent me on my way. I played a half hour of Blackjack, won £45 and then treated my friends to burgers and chips downstairs, cos we're posh like that. Saying that, I've never been asked how I wanted my burger cooking before.


19/10/05 - London
Pretty wonky today. Got a call at 12.15pm to ask when I was checking out. When I asked them what time check out was, they said 11am. What a stupid conversation. The rest of the boys had left for Newport in the minibus but I decided to stay on in London to find some chums I hadn't seen for ages. Got confused on the Tube and journeyed South instead of North then got wound up with people either twatting me with giant rucksacks or trying to run me over with those oversized suitcases on wheels. How many people are really in such a rush...? Perhaps they're just shy and don't want to stop because that'll mean they have to start talking to people.


18/10/05 - London
Had a lovely time lazing round in the hotel sauna, steam room and spa this afternoon. Unlike Billy and Hats, I forgot to pack my trunks so resorted to sitting in the spa in my pants. Decided to get out after re-enacting scenes from Scarface. Got our shit together and headed over to the Hammersmith Palais for about 6.30pm. Did the crazy press and photos thing and then pottered over to our table. We were up for two awards: 'Best Digital Campaign' and 'Best Urban Artist'. Happy to say that we won the latter so it was probably down to our appearance at the Rise festival. We all went up to collect the award along with Jack Melhuish who does magical music science on our behalf. Had a lovely time. Then it was the moment of truth for us to entertain those people lucky enough to be drunk and sitting down. Would it be a seamless blend of classical strings and melodic urban prose or a handful of musical professionals looking uncomfortable as a load of idiots in tracksuits pranced around them...? Well, I still haven't seen it myself so I can't tell you but it seemed to go OK. Hooked up with Bibs, Mr & Mrs. 2-Fat and other Forum types after the show for extended drinking, fun and games. Crashed around 5am.


17/10/05 - Newport/London
More fun on the minibus down to London. Adam's much better but Eggs is turning different colours and moaning now.


16/10/05 - Newport
Back off down to London tomorrow for more rehearsals with those proper musicians who play real instruments on stage and everything. It's all in aid of the 2005 Digital Music Awards. Don't really understand that much about it but it seems rather important to a lot of people.


15/10/05 - Newport
Recovery session. Need to work out sleep deficit. Lack of energy equates to horizontal standby mode.


14/10/05 - Newport/Birmingham/Newport
Crazy show down at the Barfly in Birmingham today for Zane Lowe's Gonzo on MTV2. Lovely to see that some of the Forum Crew made it down again. Not entirely sure what happened towards the end of the night, may have been involved in advanced drinking at that stage. From the looks of things, Maggot was also flying through time and space....

 
More minibus mayhem on the way back. Fired up my inflatable travel pillow that I picked up in a bargain basket on the Continent for a single Euro. Must have passed out. Next thing I recall was Eggs shouting excitedly, 'They've got road signs, they're pissed, they're on the way home and they're carrying road signs'. Successfully guessed I was back in the Port before opening my eyes.


13/10/05 - Watford/London/Newport
Headed back down to London way today to start rehearsals with a string quartet for an awards ceremony next week. They're from the Philharmonia Orchestra and seem very nice if slightly intimidated by idiots like us. They're providing the backing music for 'Nutter' while we do our stuff over the top. Needs a bit of tweaking and some magic from Xain but we should manage it.


12/10/05 - Watford
Always long old days these video shoots. We were up at 7.30am to be picked up and driven to the location which happened to be a deserted college. When we got there, it was amazing, the whole place was massive with a clock tower and posh gardens and stuff. Adam turned up a few hours later, looking a little bit better but still not entirely right. During the day we were forced to sit in an 'RnB' masterclass, learn dance moves, play more 'Circles of Death' and generally sit around waiting for stuff to happen. Don't really want to say too much cos that'll spoil it when it comes out.....but I would also add that we were honoured and privileged to have a very special guest with us for the day too. Ooooooh. Had to start speeding things up towards the end of the day and finally got back at about midnight.


11/10/05 - Newport/Watford
We hooked up at the appointed hour and Adam appeared like a member of the undead. He was that pale, he looked like he'd been pelted with flour. He stumbled round for a bit, tried to explain that he'd lost his voice and he may have some kind of non-specific but highly contagious strain of Adam Disease, then spent the next half hour on the phone to his local surgery, NHS Direct, a random doctor and even his Mum. Once confirmed that he should be able to travel in a confined space (such as a crap minibus) without fear of striking others down with his germs, we set off on our merry way with Adam wrapped up in our coats.

Got to the hotel in Watford and met Conal for a pint and a chat. Had a go on the Hangman machine in the corner. I can normally get a couple of quid out of the older ones, just like the Crystal Maze arcade challenge machines before them. This one just wasn't playing the game, however. Classic sketch, quid goes in and nothing happens. What's the fucking point of even putting those bright red 'reject' buttons on if they never work anyway? I told the bloke behind the bar who asked me to ask the head waitress. Asked her and she told me to ask reception. Reception re-directed me back to the bar. Forgot about it for a bit. Went out for food, came back and someone else was at reception. Explained all over again, she sighed deeply and (with much over-dramatised remorse) pushed a £1 coin across the desk towards me. Bloody rip-off Britain, honestly. All I wanted was my fucking pound back.

Got to bed and watched another repeat of another program going on about music in the 80's that I'd seen before. Then found out Cannonball Run II was on but it would mean staying up till half three in the morning to watch it. I've a feeling that when I saw it on a random Saturday afternoon round a friend's house twenty years ago, it was the first time I'd ever seen Jackie Chan. I think he plays a co-pilot to the bloke who plays Jaws in James Bond and their car flies or something. Anyway, early start tomorrow.....


10/10/05 - Newport
Back off down to London and Watford for press stuff and the video shoot for the new single tomorrow, 'RnB'. It's nice to get away but then it's nice to get back. Hey, it's just kind of nice.


09/10/05 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
More time spent in Cardiff with Eggs and Xain today. We're all still working on a few special projects to be unveiled sometime soonish. It's all about the......timing.


08/10/05 - Cardiff/Newport
And so onto the quintessential chill out day. Strongbow, jazz, daily paper to scan, nice music, good food and pleasant company. All required to achieve maximum chillage throughout the day. Discovered that not all television is rubbish. Watching repeats of Bullseye reveals that this truly was the greatest game show on Earth. If not for the Jim Bowen and Tony Green combination, then for the 80's fashions, the shit prizes and the theme tune. Oh, the theme tune. I'd forgotten how it changes as the credits roll at the end if they'd won the Star Prize or lost it all in the heat of gambling everything else. Of course, as everyone knows there's nothing better than the bewildered faces of folk in the eighties when presented with a pair of matching jetskis complete with pink and green neon trim.

     


07/10/05 - Newport/Cardiff
Hooked up with some chums in Cardiff again today. Haven't been out clubbing in ages so decided to check out Bionic at Evolution, down Cardiff Bay. Had a taxi driver who insisted on siging to us on the way down. His verse structure needed a bit of work but his themes were very well observed. Here's an example from what I can remember:
"I am so happy, I love this country.
It is good, I like to sing, it makes me happy.
I drive you there safely, I am Bengal Tiger.
And so back to me, I am King of the Road"

Amazing. Gave him a £2 tip and then went off raving till 4.30am.


06/10/05 - Newport
I can remember Johnny Ball or someone equally clued up going on about sleeping patterns, brainwaves and dream cycles. Apparently, we sleep in 3 hour segments during which time we fall asleep, our brain patterns change, we undergo REM sleep, come back round unconsciously and then go through the whole thing again. The most intense part of this is the REM stage where delta stage brainwave frequencies transform into theta brainwave frequencies - essentially the brain remains active despite a lack of immediate physical awareness. Now this is the thing right - this REM bit takes 90 minutes, which as we know is the average time for a TV film to be on. Is this the reason that when we're awakened during the REM stage and go back to sleep, we think we can begin exactly where we left off, like a VHS tape or DVD being paused and then played again...?

Inevitably, it's never the same and we find that the dream or vision has changed in some way, sometimes the brain disposes of it completely and begins again. Sometimes after a proper extended lie down, I wake up and find that everyday things trigger memories of dreams I had the previous night. What's all that about...? If, as we are led to believe, a natural dream state is a way for our brains to dump irrelevant data, why is my brain retaining snapshots of information...? If most brains dispose of unnecessary information, why is mine getting into recycling...?


05/10/05 - Newport
Now that we've had more time at home, I've had the chance to watch some proper television. Now I'm sure I'm not the first to say this but what a load of old shit. If it's not any new form of reality television, it's 'Behind-the-Scenes' of reality television and 'Reality Extra'. What? How more real do you want? Just fucking go outside. Then there are the bastard '50 Best...' - who cares? These lot are sneaky because they quite openly tease you about 'choice' bits of TV coming up soon but fill the rest of the programme with a presenter quite obviously disinterested in the whole concept. Add 3 - 4 minutes of adverts every quarter of an hour and there you go, job well done. Bag of bollocks. I say build a massive leisure centre with electric fences and invite people in to check it out as an introductory offer. Once inside it all goes fucking 'Running Man' and a load of nutters in brightly coloured garments start chasing them round the course, trying to dismember them in various ways. If that sounds a little too extreme, well possibly but we need to take drastic measures to wake the population from their slumber and I make no apologies for that.


04/10/05 - Newport
Think the website's back to normal again now. 'The Developer' is well pleased.


03/10/05 - Newport
Had another session down the local today. Along with me and Eggs were Adam, Graham the Bear, Danny Draw and Hywel - King Vampire. The latter is an incredible character over 7 feet tall and with pallid, almost translucent skin. Funnily enough, his presence is in itself an optical illusion. Wherever you think he is, he actually isn't. That's the easiest way I can explain it. It's something to do with the way in which he bends light.

After a few easy pints, we were invited back to Adam and Graham the Bear's to continue our discussion on modren day living. Brandy was introduced into the equation and things started to get out of hand. Eggs seemed convinced that he could deliver electric shocks from his fingers were he to scream "9 VOLTS, BOTH HANDS" before attacking his victims. Then a special round of 'R&B Punchies' took place where the fighters take it in turns to scream the names of popular R&B artists before unleashing a fistful of punches on the other. A lovely evening's entertainment all round.


02/10/05 - Cardiff/Newport
It's nice to have a normal weekend for a change. Even had a normal hangover which meant heading down the pub again for some form of Sunday dinner and Strongbow, just to set the scene. Then said my goodbyes, headed back to the Port again and enjoyed an afternoon nap. Woke up in a sleepy haze so well suited to early Sunday evenings and headed off down the local with Eggs. We compared weekend experiences and made up ideas for TV shows that we'd like to see in our minds.


01/10/05 - Cardiff/Newport/Cardiff
Found myself asleep on a sofa this morning so headed back to the Port with an aching neck and a near psychotic need for sleep. The late afternoon arrived and I awoke refreshed and relaxed. Headed back to Cardiff for birthday celebrations down Cardiff Bay. There's a Japanese restaurant called Izakaya where you can drink sake, sit cross-legged eating sushi and poke each other with chopsticks, just for fun. After drinking, eating and laughter we headed over to a flat to get on with the party proper which continued to the early hours. This time I managed to blag myself a bed with a new mattress. Come on!


30/09/05 - Newport/Cardiff
Back to Cardiff to see some old friends today. It's nice to hook up every now and then and see how people are getting on. It was just like the good old days. I turned up about 9pm and everyone was fucking hammered, giving me the impetus to speed drink Strongbow and attempt to attain their levels of heady intoxication. My attempts were rewarded with encouraging results such as forgetting what I was talking about half way through coversations and a complete inability to stand.


29/09/05 - Newport
Website still isn't fixed. Supposed to be something to do with synching and switching servers or something. The people trying to fix it keep on referring to me as 'The Developer'. Amazing. It's like an episode of Dr. Who:

The Developer: "Ah, welcome Doctor. I've been waiting for you a long time"
(BBC Radiophonic Workshop chimes and vibes sound in a slightly menacing, slightly comical manner as The Developer wrapped in a long cloak steps out of the shadows)
The Doctor: "The Developer! I left you stranded on Quangon IV! However did you escape?"
The Developer: "Hah! No time for continuity structure now Doctor, the scriptwriters should have thought of that already....now by the Powers of New Technology....YOU WILL DIE!"
Sandra, companion of The Doctor: (screams) "Doctor! No!"
(BBC Radiophonic Workshop sounds increase in intensity, building to a violent crescendo of chaos....)
The Doctor: "Erm...nothing's happened Developer. It would appear your website's gone to shit again"
The Developer: "Fuck it. Well, I suppose I'll just let you go then. Bye"


28/09/05 - Newport
Can't recall what I did today but I do know that Eggs, Adam and Graham the Bear went to watch George A Romero's 'Land of the Dead' today for two quid each. According to their detailed zombie analysis, it wasn't really all that good although someone's face does get bitten off or something. Apparently, they'd never experienced what they refer to as 'zombie compassion' and 'zombie sentimentality' before and weren't that impressed.


27/09/05 - Newport/Porth/Newport
Lesson for today: Learn to focus. In this heady, sped-up crystalline illusion of a world, there are often too many things going on at once in the average life and consequently too many things to think about. A lot of things we do on autopilot: breathing, blinking, walking, talking. Other everyday things can be a bit more complicated but when done enough times are deemed a 'repetitive task with which we are already experienced'. Here's my downfall. In not concentrating on what I was doing and thinking about too many things at once, I managed to fill my diesel car with unleaded petrol. Didn't even realize I'd done it....

Had to pick up some of the other lads to drive to the Pop Factory in Porth to do a few songs for a show called 'The Guestlist' on ITV1 Wales. All was fine, show went well, said our goodbyes and climbed into the car. It was raining quite heavily so I put down the juddering sensation to water in the engine. No problem, it'll soon evaporate. Driving back and the vibrations get worse, the revs are going and I still can't figure out what's going on. In my head, I try to retrace my steps and then it hits me. From a mental snapshot, I can see my hand reaching out to a green-coloured pump and that's all the evidence I need. We gather up as much speed as we can hoping that I've got enough diesel in the engine to get me back home. No such luck. We soon lose all power and I've got just enough momentum to elegantly glide into the hard shoulder....

The lady on the phone of the breakdown people was in stitches. She couldn't even find my records so had to take my credit card details. Then the other boys had to get a taxi to get home. Then I had to explain to the breakdown truck controller exactly where I was by jogging up the hard shoulder and reading the information off a motorway sign. Then when he managed to find me and pick me up, he went through a red light and a camera went off. The good news is that he took me back to a garage where they drained the offending unleaded out and refilled it with diesel. £140 procedure and labour costs, £15 unleaded petrol that caused the problem in the first place plus £10 diesel to get me home equals £165 all in. While I was waiting I had a packet of Flaming Hot Mega Monster Munch and several cups of tea out of the machine. They even had a TV in reception and as it was about 1am at this stage, there was some kind of foreign sex film on. I had quite a nice time at the garage really though I wouldn't recommend it for extended stays.

So, a lesson well learned. Remember to focus on what you're doing, no matter how many times you've done it before. You won't fuck up as easily. Or not as often anyway.


26/09/05 - Newcastle/Newport
Another one of those crazy Freshers' Week shows today. They're always guaranteed carnage. Rosco decided that he couldn't miss this show either so came along for the craic. Dominic from The Others came to say hello when we were down. Some of the other lads met him at the Pukkelpop festival in Belgium last time round. Bez from the Happy Mondays came over too, he was doing an MC and DJ set after our show.

As well as losing stuff off the website, I've come to the conclusion that I've lost loads of stuff off the bus and am slowly losing my mind. I hate losing stuff. It's not that I'm one of the most organised people in the world but I've normally got a good memory for where things should be. That's what annoys me the most, not the fact that I've lost it, it's the fact it's not there and the fact that I've now got to set aside wasting a load of precious time looking for whatever it is I've lost. My apologies for ranting. I feel a bit better now.


25/09/05 - Port Talbot/Newport/Newcastle
Back home for a brief respite then back on the bus. Bibs from the Forum kindly informed me that the entire website's gone tits up while I've been away and reverted to a version from weeks back. New technology, honestly. For fuck's sake.

Watched 'Return of the Living Dead' on the bus. Wicked. All about radioactive rain falling on a cemetary that causes corpses to turn into zombies and crawl out of their graves and attack people (much as the undead tend to). Then I can remember looking at the stars from out of one of the vents in the roof of the bus and feeling quite peaceful.


24/09/05 - Newport/Port Talbot
Had to head over to Jungle Records in Bridgend today for a signing. Loads of happy faces and one woman with no teeth who was asking where the producers and songwriters were. Turned out she was the old bird from the X Factor that Simon Cowell fancied or something.

More fun and games with the Super Furries in Port Talbot. The stage wasn't as big as the other show so we wisely gave the shopmobility vibe a miss. Sad news - turns out Rosco P is nearing financial ruin and has had to pack in his crazy dancing with the band. We offered him some kind of assistance but his pride and honour simply wouldn't allow him to accept. Apparently, he's been accepted as an 'entertainer' on a cruise ship based solely on the premise that he's appeared on stage with us at the festivals. According to Rosco (and these words will always stay with me) "All I want to do is dance". Good luck son, you'll be sorely missed by everyone whose lives you touched. Metaphorically I mean. Don't want to make you out to be some kind of sex criminal who goes around touching people without their consent.


23/09/05 - London/Letchworth/Newport
At some stage the previous night, I heard someone say, "If you can do no good, do no evil". Don't know why but that got stuck in my head today.


22/09/05 - Newport/London
After a refreshing night of slumber, we embarked back upon the exciting open roads of adventure supporting the Super Furries down at the Brixton Academy. Xain decided to bring his shopmobility down as it hadn't made an appearance since the festivals. We didn't realize that the Furries also had their own mode of automated transport in the form of a golf buggy. Towards the end of the show both Xain and the Furries started chasing each other round the riser on stage reminiscent of the Wacky Races. When Xain's batteries started running out, Eggy resorted to sprinting behind him pushing him round the stage. A near fatal crash was narrowly averted when the shopmobility skidded, span round and lost all power but then again people probably thought it was all part of the show. Could have been like Tommy Cooper all over again.


21/09/05 - Bristol/Birmingham/Newport
Supposed to be getting up at Stupid O'Clock today for another kind of breakfast radio show. Luckily, Hattsy offered to do it late last night in a combined state of 'being responsible' with 'having had too many posh drinks'. Soldier that he is, he soon returned to his bunk shortly after declaring early mornings both 'bloody rubbish' and a 'waste of everyones' time'. Well done that lad. Arrived back in Newport later on and almost kissed the hallowed ground such was the relief.


20/09/05 - London/Bristol
Off to Bristol today with heavy heads and featherweight minds, ie. hungover to fuck. Had a signing in Fopp, the record shop that proudly doesn't fuck around with '.99p' on the end of prices. We wandered in and very nearly experienced a full-on Spinal Tap complete with whistling wind and tumbleweed moment. It was alright though, it turned out we'd emerged on some form of raised stage and couldn't see the people who'd queued up to see us below. Big ups to those people who come down to see us when everyone else is at work/school/somewhere they're supposed to be.


19/09/05 - Hull/London - Scala Show for 'Safe As Fuck' album launch
Arrived in London around 10am. While the rest of the boys shelled out £15 for shit hotel toast and tea, we went round the corner for a massive £5 fry up. Fuckin safe. Got back to have a lie down on a hotel room floor. Once other cushions and spare pillows are utilized, it's not that bad. Then other boys started turning up and Bedsit Rules were firmly established - 'you move, you lose'. Various ploys and underhand tactics were employed to gain and regain possession of a chair, bed or space on the floor.

A few jazz fags and 'The Simpsons' later soon took the pain away. It was probably my all time favourite episode. Homer goes to a chilli-tasting event, samples Chief Wiggum's Guatamalan Insanity Peppers, starts tripping his tits off and meets a space coyote played by Johnny Cash. Fucking ace.

       

With the new album coming out today too, we knew the Scala show was going to be a bit special. As we were getting ready we suddenly heard 'Sister' being played by Zane Lowe on Radio 1. All the omens were there for a great night. The show went well with all the Forum faces in full attendance. Then we made it out to the after show where all sorts of carnage was taking place. In between sneaking back down to the dressing room to get more Strongbow, I witnessed the 'Charm School Girls' (complete with homemade school badges), more 24 carat clarts than a TK Maxx management meeting and an impromptu breakdancing competition the likes of which is only seen in Parisian ghettos. Life doesn't really get much better than this.


18/09/05 - Newport/Hull
Managed to nod off at about 6am. Departed the Port for Hull University for another Freshers' Ball. Watched 'Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines' on the way up and drank some Strongbow. I'd never seen it before and quite enjoyed it. It's not really as bad as everyone said it was. Plus it seemed to clear up a messy time-travel paradox that emerged as a result of the earlier Terminator films. I think so anyway, you never know it may have been down to the cider. Spent rest of the day wandering round muttering "don't fuck wizz me" to anyone who bothered listening.




17/09/05 - Newport
This'll be my last chance to give the website an overhaul