Mÿstÿ's Mÿstîç Musíñgs

Forward in time....! Onwards to the year Two-Thousand and Six....!

31/12/05 - New Year's Eve, Cardiff
Woke at 1.30pm. Thumping head. Checked to see how much cash I'd lost from last night and found a load of notes in my pockets. It appears I may well have outwitted my poker sensei at last, even if I couldn't remember it. Took a wander down to O'Neills and hooked up with my chums. It was confirmed that they were missing cash from last night so I must have beaten them. Or beaten them about the head and nicked their cash. Had a few drinks then got kicked out at about 5pm as they were busy readying zombie defences and preparing for NYE carnage. Took a wander down to the Queen's Vaults, home of cheap steaks, cider and games of pool. Had a munch, more drinks then headed out of town before it started getting proper busy.

Headed off to Marky Mark's, said hello to his housemates. Headed back to Toddy's for more poker, fun and games. Picked up loads of cider and wandered in that general direction. Had loads more drinks then I made the mistake of asking Pigfarmer Rich about pressure points behind the ear. Being an experienced street fighter, he immediately demonstrated his knowledge of four different nerve clusters on me, each with varying degrees of pain. We drank some more, had a laugh and listened to more of PFR's stories. Had a few calls before the appointed time from people I wasn't expecting, lovely surprise though. Just before midnight we had the traditional countdown, shouted and screamed then went outside to dance in the street only to find that the rest of the street was doing the same. We had a lovely 'Return of the Jedi' style moment where everyone was silent and we just watched fireworks exploding all over the skies of Cardiff.

What will 2006 bring...? I don't know but if it carries on as well as it started, it should be good. Stay safe my friends.


30/12/05 - Newport/Cardiff
Had word that my mate Pigfarmer Rich is down. He's an ex-pigfarmer but names like that kind of stick. He's a good one for entertaining stories, the PFR. If he's not recounting one of his numerous adventures, you're actually watching one unfold around him in front of your very eyes. We've got drunk and recreated scenes from the Matrix in the living room, tipping over his telly and smashing up a coffee table in the process. He's thrown me down stairs. I've thrown him down steps. Ever seen drunks fighting each other on street corners, falling down and then laughing...? That's us. Put simply: We enjoy having a good time.

Met up with my other mates Toddy and Marky Mark. Not all my friends have daft names, it's just how I like to refer to them. The rest is up to them. These were the boys to first get me involved on the poker front. They're still the most reckless players I've played to this day. Hard drinking followed hard poker playing. Hard poker playing carried on way too late into the night and I can't really recall much else.


29/12/05 - Newport
Here's another dream thing that's struck me recently. How is it possible to dream of a person you've never met with a character all of their own and their own distinctive likes and dislikes...? Here's what I can remember from inside my head: I'm driving down to a car park to pick up a friend of a friend's. We're waiting a while, listening to music and watching the world go by. She finally turns up and comments on the music we're listening to. As we're drving her to her destination, we find out more and more about her. She's nice, a likeable lass but she readily admits she's got her own faults too. She's got distinctive mannerisms and ways of talking with her hands. A familiar accent but one I just couldn't place. She points out various things as we drive past and gives us a story relating to each. Then she thanks us for the lift and that's it. I woke up feeling confused and disorientated. It all felt so real and yet it wasn't. As far as I know she doesn't even exist. I don't even know whether that would be a relief or not.

Is my subconscious creating a character out of nothing for my dreaming mind to interact with...? If so, how...and why...? Was she merely an amalgamation of information inside my head...? How could she respond to various things going on around her...? It's amazing to think we've come this far and we still don't know anything about 'simple' things like dreams.


28/12/05 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Fletchy's birthday today. Headed off to Cardiff on the train and went for a few drinks. The place seemed deserted mostly due to it being fuckin freezing outside. Accompanying us were Eggs, Hattsy, Moore-O, Vern and one MC Walshy. Hooked up with Xain and Newport Tim. Had a lovely time. Wandered into a posh bar that seemed to be part of a hotel but was still open to non-residents. It all seemed a bit surreal. It felt like we were in a foreign country or stuck in a 70's time loop. Headed back Portwise in the bitter cold for the last train home. Got back intact and hurried our cold selves over to an Indian food emporium. Indulged in fine exotic cuisine then hooked up with Rosco P, Hywel (King Vampire) and DCI Burnside. Had a late night poker session that ended at 5am. Nice.


27/12/05 - Newport
Woke up on someone's sofa in Maindee this afternoon. Still too drunk to call for a taxi so decided to walk home. Stumbled down Corporation Road then across George Street Bridge. Newport never looked so nice. Wandered down past Pill then up through Bellevue Park. I can remember running through this park when I was little and playing up by the Summer House. They've been meaning to rennovate it for years but it still remains boarded up. Pottered past the Handpost then up past the Ridgeway. By the time I got back, I'd walked about six and a half miles.

I was tired and needed an afternoon rest. I remember wondering if anyone had ever set off a speed camera going downhill in a shopmobility then fell into a deep sleep.


26/12/05 - Boxing Day, Newport
Lovely. Been enjoying the advantages of owning a hooded dressing gown that my bro got me for Christmas today. I'd recommend it. You can wander round the house in complete comfort and curl up on the sofa like a cat. I was trying to figure out a way of wrapping the hood round your face like a ninja mask too but must have got distracted with something else. Other gifts included Banksy's 'Wall and Piece', a set of kitchen knives and a 'Brewtender - the original tabletop cooling beverage dispenser'. Perfect for barbecues, poker games and picnics. Also perfect for fermented apple drinks like Magners or Strongbow, if you will. Can't wait for the Summer now.


25/12/05 - Christmas Day, Newport
Festive Greetings readers! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL. Notice how I use the term 'merry' as opposed to 'happy'. "Happy Christmas and a Happy New Year" doesn't only sound ultra-pc it also sounds wholly unimaginative. Let's get back to what we know. Rave it up one time, yo. Have a blinder.

Additional: My apologies for the festive rant. Overenthusiastic PC bollocks at Christmas (or any other time) just does my head in......

They say: "You can't say 'Merry Christmas' anymore, it's just not right"
I say: "Why?"
They say: "It implies that people drink lots at Christmas"
I say: "That's right, they do. I know I do"
They say: "Yes but we don't want to encourage that"
I say: "How does a festive greeting like that encourage anything but peace, happiness and goodwill to all men....?"
They say: "Ah, it's in the word 'merry'. See, if we change the greeting from 'merry' to 'happy', it'll substantially lower the amount of people drunk at Christmas"
I say: "Right, very good, well done. I appreciate your elaborate scientific explanations. I also acknowledge the assumption that by changing already accepted greetings at any time of the year you actually believe it'll have a positive effect on modern day society. My next question is: why stop there...? I'm sure there are plenty of other widely-accepted conventions that should be reconfigured and/or quashed in your overzealous and yet feeble efforts to manipulate people's behaviour through control of language. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Thank you and good night".
I was never allowed back to the Council Chambers after that outburst.


24/12/05 - Christmas Eve, Newport
Couldn't be arsed going out early so headed over to Adam and Graham's at about 6pm to find festivities in full swing. Dipper Nan was round preparing a feast in the kitchen in between swigs of Tenants Super. Some of Adam and Dipper's old schoolfriends had popped over to say hello too. Had a few drinks and then Xain and Eggs turned up. Had a few more drinks. Tried some of Dipper's food - he'd explained he was preparing 'Special Herb Sausages with Garlic, Mashed Potato and Onion Gravy'. What he failed to tell anyone was that he'd decided to spice up the mash by sticking a whole pot of Tewkesbury mustard in to be on the safe side. Saying that, it was actually very good although it did bring tears to my eyes. Well done Dip, you could feed an entire army at Christmas son.


23/12/05 - Newport
Soon as I woke up at half two in the afternoon, I realized I'd done it again. I was lying on Adam's living room floor wearing my coat as a blanket. For two nights running, I'd been incapable of getting a taxi back. That's living alright.

Wandered into town with Graham the Bear, thought about going for a pint, thought against it and finally managed to get a taxi back home. Got back at about 4pm and slept for a good sixteen hours. Festive sleep vibe.


22/12/05 - Newport
Woke up feeling confused and bewildered. Couldn't remember getting a taxi back, then realised I was still at Billy's in exactly the same position on the sofa. Stood up, recognised I was suffering possible effects of 'still being drunk' and sat back down again. Stumbled into the kitchen for a glass of water only to be met by a surprised Billy who didn't realize I was still in his house. We had a chat about how we were feeling, compared notes on how our heads were operating then tried to work out who won the last game of poker. We still don't know even now. Perhaps it doesn't even matter.

Took a wander into town to grab a few more last minute Christmas purchases. Had to head to a place called Marks & Co., an electrical hardware shop. Amazing place, hasn't changed for at least twenty years. Loads of devices piled high and drawers full of wire and screws and all sorts of shit. You might wander round a corner and see a Mogwai sitting contentedly in a cardboard box. Had a look in Littlewood's who were having a 50% sale. Bad choice. Even though the Beach Boys were playing, the shoppers were getting aggressive. Long queues, "FIFTY PER CENT OFF", someone's horrible coughing, "EVERYTHING MUST GO", stress, "MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY THIS CHRISTMAS", other people's bodily heat, GET THE FUCK OUT NOW. The only thing worse than that combination is when you're standing behind someone who's just gone crazy testing all the perfumes at Boots. For fuck's sake.

Leeroy Fashions had organised a Newport band showcase down at the Legendary TJ's for tonight. Sounded like a good line up so popped down to see what was going on. As is the same whenever you go out at Christmas, I saw loads of people I hadn't seen for years in the 'John Peel Memorial Bar'. Next door, five or six bands were going crazy bollocks, each with a different sound, each trying to outdo the others. Good stage antics, good live sounds.

Somewhere round the one o'clock mark, Leeroy gave a shout and gathered the rest of us for the aftershow. Took a wander down to an undisclosed location on an industrial estate not so far away. Accompanying me on this expedition were Adam, Graham the Bear, Rosco P Coltrane and MC Flatpress, all as hammered as each other. The whole setup was reminiscent of a crazy New York penthouse suite style sex party (without the sex). Lights, picnic tables, decks and a good sound system. As soon as we arrived some variation of Newport Fight Club had already begun. Two men stripped to the waist were charging across the room and jumping into one another. Crap breakdancing also took place. I can remember meeting people and seeing faces but then the rest is just a blur. A bit like being abducted by aliens but in a nice way.


21/12/05 - Newport
Hattsy decided to have a festive late night poker session today and invited us all round. I was accompanied by Ballsy, Billy and Hywel (King Vampire). We'd stocked up appropriately: I was armed with around twelve cans of Strongbow, Hywel decided on a bottle of Morgan's Spiced Rum (served in half-pint tumblers with ice) and Billy settled down with a bottle of Jameson's and a measuring jug of water. Ballo was driving so immersed himself in the game instead. Two practice sessions (as tradition now dictates) and a couple of games later, I'd won one and Billy won the other.

The night wore on and we were all exhibiting symptoms of alcohol-based craziness. Billy's head slumped forward onto the table and he started snoring a few minutes later. At this point, we said our farewells to the Hats and helped Bilbo home. Within fifteen minutes of getting to Billy's, I'd also passed out on his sofa downstairs. Excellent festive poker session.


20/12/05 - Newport
Had a lovely wander round Newport today trying to find people stuff for Christmas. Didn't actually pick that much up, I was too mesmerised by the lights and the whole 'Newport at Christmas' thing. It's amazing how a town (or city) can be transformed with the addition of a few lights on the streets here and there. Nice touch.


19/12/05 - Newport
Pretending to think about Christmas shopping but unsure what anyone wants despite my investigative prowess. Might put it all off till tomorrow. And then the next day.....

One of my mates was travelling home on Christmas Eve and was stressing as he hadn't got anyone anything. He stopped by at a motorway service station in desperation with the intention of picking up a cheap GPS system, cans of de-icer or novelty air fresheners shaped like smiley faces that smell of meadows in Summertime. Some of the people he was buying for didn't even have cars but his logic was that GPS could be employed as a safety device when walking the hills, de-icer could be used to clean windows and air fresheners would make kitchens or bathrooms smell nice. Imagine his surprise, shock and disappointment to walk into the service station and find it looking like it had just been ransacked by zombies the third or fourth time around. Everyone else travelling that stretch of motorway had had exactly the same thoughts as him and launched an instinctive mad rush for 'motorway crap' before he got there. I think he came away with a family size bucket of Maltesers and a newspaper.


18/12/05 - Newport
The next day found us safely reunited with everyone else. We were all in a proper mess. Headed back Portwise and had to find specialist LPG garages on the way to allow Flatpress to fill up. This proved to be a lot more difficult than we'd first anticipated. No one seemed to know what it was. When we asked about LPG, they'd just point at Calor gas cannisters like we were bloody idiots.

Took us fucking ages to get back. Dropped the rest of the boys off then I had to accompany Flatpress in an attempt to track down LPG garages in the Port. Same old sketch. People either kept mentioning Calor gas or giving us directions to 'Gwent Camping Supplies'. In the end, Flatpress just said "fuck it" and took a gamble to get back to Bristol with what he had left in his tank. I on the other hand, headed to bed and had a lovely time enjoying natural unconsciousness.


17/12/05 - Newport
Xain and Maggot were supposed to be heading off to Liverpool for a UK Undercurrent bash to say thanks to the street teams for their dedication to the cause this year. Xain wasn't able to make it in the end so we rounded up a replacement adventure party and made some quickfire plans. MC Flatpress made an appearance in his newly acquired Land Rover that had been converted for LPG. Me, Adam and Graham the Bear piled in and we set off on our merry way. Plans had indeed been orchestrated quickly - we didn't even know how to get to Liverpool. Optimism being one of our strongest traits, we headed approximately North, hoping to glimpse some signposts to point us in the right direction.

Finally there, we ditched the motor and set off to track down the Maggot. He arrived earlier and had been 'getting in nice' for most of the day. Once we found him, we made plans for our sonic assault on the Barfly. Turned out Maggot had left most of his speed garage classics at home so tonight would be a strict drum & bass mastermix session. Once we got down there, we saw some familiar smiling faces - Jon the Robot, ZoeKnowsIt and Jenny amongst others. Do Me Bad Things were on the decks already for the time being so we let them carry on while we had a chat with people. I'd already been drinking on the drive up so was in a suitable frame of mind for a party by now. Maggot began his session. 'Tearing' is not the term. Try 'ripping apart and spitting out'. I can recall shouting some things on the mic, reminiscent of Graham the Bear in his usual environment, mostly swearing and encouraging people to wave their arms about.

Towards the end of the night things went slightly wonky. There may have been spirits involved. At some stage or other, I lost everyone apart from Flatpress and had a sudden moment of clarity in the middle of Liverpool Chinatown. I thought I was in Bladerunner. We bought some kind of food produce from a lady in a shack who was cooking things on a Chinese barbecue out in the street. Inspired by this, we decided to track down a restaurant that would still serve scallies like us at this time. After a delightful half-and-half combination we headed back to the hotel, our base for the night. We had to before the replicants got nasty.


16/12/05 - Newport
It would seem I've succumbed to Christmas lethargy. Perhaps lethargy's too strong a term. Christmas slowdown then. Yes, I've succumbed to Christmas slowdown. It's quite nice really. Starts getting dark at 4pm and it seems like the day's over by then. Lots of stretching, yawning, extra blankets. Lazing round and pretending to be a cat. Having a 'nap' that lasts several hours then waking up feeling really confused and fuzzy round the edges. Here's a tip: Hot chocolate with rum. Oh yes. Get in nice.


15/12/05 - Newport
Thanks to the Poker Player people, Hattsy's got a metal box full of chips for us to play poker on our own. We set up a late night poker session to be accompanied by the usual suspects: Me, Hats, Billy, Hywel (King Vampire) and Charlo. Same old set up - two practice games, then playing for real. Looks like Hattsy was immune to my mind control techniques this time round, he bluffed us all and tore me limb from limb. This was his second proper game of poker. Little bugger.


14/12/05 - Newport
On the lead-up to Christmas, there are still things that I enjoy even now. Cold nights, warm pubs, good cheer and illuminations in the streets outside. People being generally good natured and polite to each other because they think it's all part of the season. Kids who stop misbehaving in town the second their folks mention a lack of presents at Christmas if they carry on. Good films on in the afternoon. Crazy horror films at night. Stepping into a warm house when you've been wandering round in the cold for ages outside. Brrrrr.


13/12/05 - Newport
Saw Eggs today. Got the lowdown on snowboarding, altitude sickness, hard drinking and something he referred to as 'Europe's 2nd Biggest Light Show'. Apparently, the snowboard crew returned to their chalet after visiting a number of bars and drinking establishments only to start experimenting with French fireworks (NOT recommended). After launching rockets by holding the sticks with their hands, Eggs tried the same thing with some sort of banger. After it ignited, there were a load of sparks that covered his ungloved hands causing him to scream, drop the firework and leg it to the sink to douse his hands in cold running water. He's well on the way to recovery although due to the powder burns, his hand resembled that of a chimpanzee's for several days. Remember kids: Eggs could have lost his fingers. His ultimate dream of playing 'London's Burning' on the recorder in front of the rest of the class would just be a sad memory of what might have been.


12/12/05 - Newport
Had to head down to Nienke's today to meet some chaps from Poker Player magazine. They'd suggested doing a feature involving four of our lot against four of them playing Texas Hold Em for the 'Safe As Fuck Invitational 2006' trophy. Daft poker names were the order of the day so our team transformed into the following alter egos:

Hattsy, codename 'Standby': As in 'standby mode' whereby one saves energy but may require a nudge every now and then to leap into action. Never played before, ready to confuse, eager to obfuscate and already obsessed with the concept of bluffing.

Ballo, codename 'Hot Rod Balls': Received the name having being pushed round corridors and down inclines in a great number of storage devices with wheels (shopping trolleys, boxes, suitcases, etc). Dangerous, unpredictable player with good experience.

Billy Webb, codename 'The Wibbler': Sounds like a popular Ann Summers product and true to form remains the ladies' favourite. Never really played but eager to get involved and unleash carnage.

Mysty, codename 'The Developer': One of those names that still gets a laugh (see 29/09/05). Hard to say how I play, it's just one of those things. You'd have to ask someone else. I try to be generally nice to people though.

Had a few practice rounds for the benefit of those that hadn't played before, then got stuck in. Hattsy pulled a massive bluff and managed a winning card at the last minute eliminating one of our competitors and getting him shitloads of chips at the same time. His response was one of elation followed by confusion then delight. Ballo was doing well but got wiped out further on in the game. Billy followed his lead soon after. Hattsy didn't really know what to do with his newfound wealth so squandered it on daft bets and lost it. That left me and two Poker Player lads. One was tricky and experienced, the other unpredictable with a keen nose for bluffing.....the game went on for fucking ages. However, I'm happy to say that the Force was with me that day and my mind tricks worked wonders.

I'd never won a trophy before. Happy days!


11/12/05 - Newport
Had a text from Hattsy at 1am. He went to see Oasis at the Millenium Stadium and there were no trains or taxis to get him back to Newport. I thought about it for a couple of minutes and decided to give him a call to check he was alright. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Hats! Hello son, what's going on....? Where are you...?"
Hattsy: (slurred and mostly unintelligible) "Ha-ha-ha! Cuntfuckers!"
Me: "Erm.....are you alright...?"
Hattsy: "Oh Mysty, I love you, I want to give you a big kiss on the mouth"
Me: "That's lovely mate, where are you....? Do you need a lift back....? I can come and pick you up if you're stuck"
Hattsy: "I'm in Cardiff Bay...no, I'm near the station...no, hang on...."
(shouting across to someone else)"'Scuse me mate, where are we...? Right, right, he doesn't know...."
Me: "Erm.....can you have a look out the window...? See if you can see any landmarks...?"
Hattsy: (crashing sound, Hats is pissing his sides) "Haaaaa! I've just fallen off my chair...! Ha-ha-haaaaaaa!"
Me: "................"
Hattsy: "Hang on, hang on, someone's picking us up now. Cheers for calling Myst, I love you, I love you very much....."
Me: "I love you very much as well. Make sure you get home safely..."
Hattsy: "Hee-hee-hee!"


10/12/05 - Newport
Not a very good day today. Each of my nights over the last three days has got progressively harder to deal with the next day. Today is where I may just have to lie down for a long time and make myself better. At least I concluded a three night session in style.....

A little later, the phone rings to wake me up. It's Rosco, he's down 'The Taste of Asia' and he's out on the wreck with Bibs again. They're not men, they're Booze Machines. No amount of intense hard sell-style persuading from Rosco is going to get me out of bed. In desperation, I pulled the duvet over my head and explained to Rosco that I might die if I go out again. It's pathetic I know but I've done my community service, my penance is paid is full. Now, I need to rest.


09/12/05 - Newport
Woke up in the same position that I had passed out in. Not feeling too hot today. Graham the Bear woke me up with some kind of animal noises as he was violently sick in the bathroom. Got up from the sofa only to start swaying around like I was on a ferry. Felt like I was developing vertigo so I sat back down again. I've had enough hangovers in my life to realize that this wasn't right. Graham returned to the living room to confirm my fears - we'd been poisoned by dodgy pints. Through process of elimination we worked backwards and tried in vain to establish the nature of the offending beverage. No joy.

In an effort to heal ourselves properly, we ventured to town in search of sustenance. Had a potter around. Managed to get some food. I forced mine down and felt a little bit better but Graham was worse than ever before. He came out of the cafe a whiter shade of pale and politely requested that I stop walking at such a frantic pace. As we continued walking, the frequency of our strides diminished to the point where Graham and I stood side by side in the middle of the high street like a low budget horror film that could only afford two zombies. Graham was about to be sick while I was about to keel over. This comedy of post-alcohol errors continued all the way back to the car park. Thankfully, Graham managed to get me home safely with no vomit-induced incidents which was a real bonus as he was the one driving.

Bibs and Co. were due down in Newport tonight so I'd have to sort myself out if I was going to survive. A few hours afternoon sleep later and I was feeling almost whole again. Rosco P Coltrane had returned from his travels to make an appearance so it was going to be good. Started off at Bailey's where I hooked up with Graham the Bear and Hywel (King Vampire). Then Rosco made an appearance with one Stan the Man. Then Lloyd Ganja turned up with Big G. We set off to the Meze Lounge where we met Bibs, Miranda, Caroline, Sally and Amy. Bibs had done a very good job of getting loads of attractive young ladies down. Well done that man. Always makes any kind of inebriation session go with a real bang.

Had a few but decided it was too loud in the Meze so made tracks to the Murenger. Had a few more here and the bell went so we set off to the Majestic Disco where Graham the Bear was entertaining the inhabitants of Newport. As mentioned before, Graham isn't the resident DJ here, he's only here while the Bassment (Newport's Premier Wreckhead Central) is under renovation. That's why it seems like upstairs in the Nag's Head out of 'Only Fools & Horses'. On the way to the Majestic Disco, we were joined by Louise and Sam who were one half of the lovely ladies who came to nick our food at Blackwood and Bridgend. It's nice when you hook up with people on the off-chance. Anything can happen.

In the space of about three hours, I'd had some amazing conversations, fallen over on someone while dancing, had sambuca, met some old friends and had plenty of Bow. Full on party time now. All at once, the club was about to shut and we were getting kicked out. Graham kindly invited us back again to his gaff but he had a distinct lack of alcohol. Unperturbed and encouraged by my lovely assistant Miranda, we set off to our local 24-hour Tesco's in search of booze. Bloody rubbish. Turned up only to be turned away and turfed out. It would appear that 24 hour booze suppliers are harder to find than I'd previously suspected. Had the same problem at the Spar so we just got loads of Pepsi and fags instead. Got back to Graham's to find the Wreckhead Convention in full swing. Things go a bit hazy from here. Bibs passed out on Graham's bed and I was sent off to retrieve him. I was considering a fireman's lift but thought I might stack it down the stairs. Instead I quietly roused him from his slumber and escorted him downstairs where I made him a temporary resting place from pillows and a sleeping bag. I even tucked him up to the delight of all present.

Now from what I can remember, taxis were called and various sleepy people made their way back to Cardiff. I can remember telling Graham that I needed to go home too. He said that he wasn't surprised as it was ten to nine in the morning and we'd just finished our last drinks of the night. Just goes to show that we all have limits.


08/12/05 - Newport/Cwmbran/Newport
Early start today. Had to get up to formulate our plan of attack to open an HMV in Cwmbran with only half of our forces present. Xain, Eggs, Adam and Billy had all gone to Tignes in the Alps for a ski/snowboarding for the Guardian or someone. That left me, Maggot, Ballsy and Hattsy to go and open the shop. We had to locate a service depot round the back of the store but it turned out to be easier than I'd expected.

We had a couple of interviews to do then met Nipper the dog again. Don't think she recognised us from the last time really. Had a nice surprise in meeting the same security lads who'd looked after us in our last HMV opening runs up in South Shields, Newcastle and Glasgow. Jase and Mel from the Red Dragon FM Breakfast Team were down to drum up support for us too. We had word that we were wanted downstairs and Maggot (armed with his giant golden scissors again) had the honour of cutting the ribbon after a countdown. The crowds were huge, mostly made up of kids who'd bunked off school, Mums and Dads out for specially signed Christmas presents and a few confused pensioners. The queues seemed to stretch on forever and we sold out of all copies of 'RnB' in the meantime. The excitable schoolkids were the best, screaming and shouting in the queue then getting quieter and shyer as they approached us. One of them whispered to her friend, "I can't believe this is happening" as Ballsy just smiled at her and nodded politely.

Once all the excitement was over, we had a few more stragglers, then made our way back up to the staff room for a lovely wedding reception style spread. It was pretty good. Had a few photos with members of staff then decided to head off. We were tired through dealing with so many people but all of us felt elated. We'd managed to open an HMV with half the crew missing and no one responsible in charge. We'd even managed to get there and back with nothing going wrong in between. Said my goodbyes to the lads and headed home. Had a lie down and watched some of Steve Coogan's 'Dr. Terrible's House of Horrible'. Anyone who's into the 'Hammer House/Amicus School of Crap Horror Films' would love it.

Must have dropped off for a couple of hours but woke up to Graham the Bear on the phone. He was off down the pub and wanted to know if I was interested. Shortly after, me, Graham, Hywel (King Vampire) and Leeroy Fashions were all sat in the boozer enjoying pints and having a lovely time. One thing led to another and before we knew it, we were back at Graham's again watching 'Back to the Future: Part II'. Beetlehead didn't emerge this time round although I did quite peacefully pass out on his sofa. Must have been comfortable cos I even had dreams too.


07/12/05 - Newport
Talk of hooking up for belated birthday drinks for Xain today. Went down to Bailey's in Newport first with Billy and Hattsy. It's a delightful old man's pub that's been there for years, proper homely vibe. It's the only drinking establishment that I know of with a hanging chandelier with bottles of spirits on. It's also got a pool table next to a wall with loads of stuff hanging up which means great potential for accidentally smashing stuff with pool cues should you get stuck on the wrong angle. Clever players know of these dodgy angles and use them against any opposition to great advantage.

From here, we picked up some Bow and headed back to Billy's. Then to Nienke's. Then to Hattsy's to watch the TV highlights of the Pop Factory Awards. I'll be the first to admit that we were watching utter carnage unfolding. Hywel (King Vampire) and Leeroy Fashions popped over to bare witness to the ensuing chaos of the awards. At the end we all agreed that we had made our presence known and certainly made an effort in cementing our reputation for 'Rock & Roll Excess'.

Adam kindly gave me a lift home. On the way home Graham the Bear transformed into 'Beetlehead', his alter-ego when he's thoroughly hammered. Beetlehead is highly strung, talks about himself in the third person and speaks in a high-pitched voice. In addition he's often noted for screaming outrageous things and upsetting complete strangers. Tonight Beetlehead was pretending to drive Adam's car in the passenger seat, shouting and waving his arms around. To anyone else driving past it would either look like we were attempting to kidnap him or he was having some kind of fit. I'm just glad our local constabulary weren't around at the time.


06/12/05 - Newport
Been meaning to do a bit of digging round on the net to see if I could find various things that I thought about while away on tour. One of the things that cropped up in discussion with others on the bus was Cyderdelic. Fuckin amazing. A TV show all about three Levellers/Ozric Tentacles crusty types who stage environmental protests, drive round in an 'Ambience' and make truly amazing music. One of the best tunes they made is 'Bobby Rozzer' - you can find it here. Check out the euphoric breakdown half way through, fuckin quality. The intro to 'Cut the Traffic' is a touch of class too.


05/12/05 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Hooked up with Xain in Cardiff for his birthday. He looked happy to see us. Went to Nando's for munch and a chat then wandered round for a bit. Had a look in some shops, had a laugh, went for a cup of tea then went for impromptu afternoon workshop to see if we could get some ideas together.

It's funny how ideas work. Some see ideas as previously original concepts interpreted and perceived in a different light. Others see ideas as completely brand new opinions, thoughts or theories. I suppose it's the same with the argument of inventions. Someone once claimed that there was "nothing left to be invented". Others argued that there would always be things that mankind required. The argument here is whether these would be original concepts that no one has ever thought of or variations on a theme. Still, as long as people have problems, they'll always keep thinking of solutions. Is a solution an idea...? It must be a type of idea. All plans or schemes are ideas. As Hannibal from the A-Team would say, "I love it when the first inklings of an idea conclude in a manner that is satisfactory to me".


04/12/05 - Porth/Newport
Today we should have been supporting Feeder at the Birmingham NEC but it looks like the whole thing's been cancelled. Instead we're back in Newport which (to be honest) is a great relief. I'm not feeling my best and my hand's fucking killing.....

Got back and slept till 5pm then had one of those weird days that drags on forever cos previously you were doing so much. Time appears to move differently depending on the environment in which you find yourself.


03/12/05 - Newport/The Pop Factory Awards, Porth
Got back about 10.30am, then slept till 3pm. Back on the bus to be taken to Porth for this year's Pop Factory Awards. Nice people up that neck of the woods but something always happens to me whenever I'm up there (27/09/05). This time would be no exception.

We passed a pub on the corner on our way up and Hattsy happened to spot Eggsy on the telly through the window. "It's you Eggs, you're on Weakest Link" he shouted before Eggy's mobile started going crazy with texts and calls. We pulled up in the car park outside the converted lemonade factory and I wisely packed a TK-Maxx bag full of Strongbow before venturing inside. Did the press run outside then headed in and ran into the Automatic we'd just been on tour with. Top boys. Had a few in there. Then went downstairs for the main event. Had a few more. Got lost looking for the toilets then couldn't find the bar again. Went back to the bus and stocked up on more Bow. Got back and had a few more.

Our name was called out and we all charged onstage to claim rights to 'The Pop Factory Rock & Roll Excess Award 2005'. Said a few things then Xain had a go on the drums. Weren't allowed to sit down again so had to go upstairs and talk at people for a bit. Something got knocked over and something else broke, Ballsy was wandering round with someone's headphones on pretending to work in the studio, Hattsy was off his head and I was trying to get downstairs again to relocate the Bows I'd left in a plastic bag under the table.

It's after this point that we go into what I refer to as 'mental polaroid' mode. Mental snapshots of things that occured connected only by the absence of any other memories. Playing blackjack and making daft bets. People taking pictures on their phones. Someone drawing a caricature. Meeting Pritchard and Dainton from Dirty Sanchez. Cutting my finger on a bottle and spraying blood over people. It was deep and it wasn't stopping. I was drunk, running my finger under a tap in the toilets and didn't know what to do. I'd even got blood on my previously pristine Hi-Tec Silver Shadows that were new on that day (well, you've got to make an effort). Luckily, Thom the Tour Manager came to my rescue and before I knew it, I was being bandaged up somewhere in the Pop Factory. At some other stage, I was taken to an unknown hospital, assisted by ever-faithful Thom. We got bored of waiting in Accident and Emergency so decided to take a chance and head back again....

That's all I can remember. According to others aboard the bus, they were woken by the screams of Adam and Maggot shouting things like, "He's gone white, he must be losing blood", "no, he needs fresh air, get him outside" and "it must be his sugar levels, we need to boost his sugar levels". I'd cut my finger and lost some blood but I wasn't on the critical list just yet. Apparently Ballsy was woken up by Adam trying to feed me cola and nuts to keep me alive. It's good to know I can trust those boys in a crisis.


02/12/05 - Brighton Centre supporting Feeder
Woke up at 11am. Thought it was about 5pm cos the bus was parked under a building and there was no natural light. Panicked, rushed, fell out of my bunk and started stressing. Then decided to check the time and calmed down. Felt decidedly wonky today so went for a stroll on the beach to sort myself out.

What I'd visualised as a moody scene reminiscent of James Dean wandering around Times Square soon became a Brighton-based gale force comedy as I was blown from one side of the beach to the other. I managed to have a look at Brighton's West Pier, a sad and lonely structure waiting for permission to eventually topple into the sea and end it all. This walk wasn't doing my pysche any fucking favours. With decisive intent, I turned round and tried to make it back to the bus. Wandered along an underpass then down a back street, then tried to use my keen sense of direction to guide me back to the Mothership. Within 10 minutes, I was completely lost, fed up and began swearing to try to keep my spirits up. Another 20 minutes and I'd walked in a complete circle so retraced my steps from there. As I got on the bus, others were just getting up. Don't think they'd ever seen me up before them before so they instinctively thought something was wrong. After reassuring them, I laughed, replied I'd just been on the beach then went into the venue. There are certain things that happen that are difficult to put into words sometimes.

We didn't have time for a soundcheck today and Hattsy had had to leave for his Nan's funeral so we had to rejig the set a bit. 'The Alchemist' was back on again and my voice was just about back. The rest of the boys would have to cover Hattsy's bits (in a manner of speaking). Adam kept wandering round the dressing room trying to remember Hattsy's lyrics in 'Hit Song' and repeating the words "possessing my subconscious" over and over again like a mantra. Show time arrived and we dived into it headlong. Turned out to be a really good show again. All it takes is focus and determination. Armed with those two, you're not far off achieving anything.

We were back on the bus heading back to Newport when we heard that Feeder had had to abandon the show after three songs. Grant from the band had been suffering a severe throat infection that affected his singing. Looks like the rest of the tour may be under threat......


01/12/05 - Cardiff Internatial Arena supporting Feeder
Ballsy remembered to bring the infamous 'Grape Tapes' along today so we had all sorts of fun and games watching that on the bus, driving to Cardiff. For anyone that doesn't know, the 'Grape Tapes' document 5 years in the tumultuous life of Shaun Ryder. It's fucking hilarious and seriously worrying in equal measure. Check it out if you can.

Had a quick look round Cardiff while we had time and got back in time for the soundcheck. Forgotten just how big the Arena is. People can say '3000 people' or '4000 people' but I don't know what that looks like. It's only when you're physically walking round the venue that you get some idea of the real capacity and exactly what that means.

I couldn't figure out what kind of reaction we'd get tonight but I needn't have worried. It was amazing. Everything fell into place and came together at just the right time. Good old Cardiff, nice touch.

May have had a few by the time I got back on the bus. Insisted on playing Fabio & Grooveriders' 'Drum & Bass Arena' till the early hours, shouting and repeatedly punching the roof of the bus in heightened excitement. Makes up for the Early-Morning Slade Sessions anyway.


30/11/05 - Back in the Port
Our first day off in nine days....! Amazing. Lots of sleep, full on recovery session. Voice seems to be returning after time spent in a warm homestead, hot shower and a decent bed for a change. Watched 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' then went back to sleep.


29/11/05 - Blackpool Empress Ballroom supporting Feeder
I knew we'd arrived in Blackpool when the first thing I spotted out of one of the vents on the bus roof was the Tower with disco lights on the top. I can remember being taken to Blackpool when we came to visit relatives and walking on the pier, getting distracted by the illuminations and almost being run over by a tram like Alan Bradley in Coronation Street.

With such misadventures all but a memory, we strolled around the impressive venue and then I took Adam Hussain in search of the 'The Who Shop'. It was quality, they've got all sorts of shit in there. Kryten's head from Red Dwarf, a proper Predator mask and a full-size dalek powered by an electric wheelchair. One of the blokes in the shop took great pains to explain to Adam that it was his pride and joy, no it wasn't for sale and if he wanted one it'd cost him the best part of four grand. We left soon after that.

I hooked up with my Uncle Andrew and his wife Val before the show. It was great to see them, haven't seen them for ages. Andrew used to work as a singer/songwriter before becoming a professional DJ so knows all about this touring lark. It was nice just to catch up and find out what they're up to. They live in Blackpool and explained the differences between the Summertime vibe and Winter chillin. Like any coastal resort, it's literally rammed in the Summer with all sorts of crazy sights at night. Come Winter, it's akin to being the last people alive.

When it was time for the show, we weren't even sure anyone had been allowed in. By the time our cue during 'Fanfare for the Common Man' arrived, they'd all magically appeared. Once again, the crowd were very enthusiastic and cheered in all the right spots. If we keep going like this, it should be alright.


28/11/05 - Doncaster Dome supporting Feeder
Eggs had to leave earlier today to get down to London for 'Celebrity Weakest Link'. Met some of the boys from Feeder and then headed off to catering. That's proper touring - it's surprising just how much of a difference getting someone in to cook for you makes. Had a look round the venue and the kind of stage setup they had going on. Must have had massive production values cos the whole thing was huge. Had a few 'Circles of Death' in the main arena then got ready for the show.

You need to adjust yourself accordingly when you're supporting other bands so soon after your own tour. For instance, it's not just the fact that you're on earlier or that no-one backstage automatically knows who you are, it's the fact that the crowd you're playing to haven't necessarily come to see you and will let you know if you don't make the effort. When it came to the show, the crowd were surprisingly responsive and it all went well. Enjoyed showers and then headed back to catering for our main meal of the day. Come on!


27/11/05 - Brecon Market Hall
Woke up at 3.30pm. I'd thought I was at home lying in my own bed and dreamt as such. Woke myself up properly and had a wander round the venue - quite literally an old meat market. Did the soundcheck, voice still not 100%. Headed off to a newby lounge bar that had been renamed 'The You Knows It Bar' for the day and had a couple of Bows. Very nice.

Good winter fare was what was needed next so we arranged to meet up at the 'Charles Hotel' for quality munch. They had massive murals of countryside scenes and rolling valleys on the walls. Lovely. Had to head back to the bus so braved the cold and got our shit together.

The venue was packed, even a place as big as that. After a couple of songs, someone in the now traditional robot costume decided to climb one of the pillars at the front of the crowd. They were pulled back into the waiting throng shortly after whereupon bits of the robot suit could be seen flying out of the crowd where the robot had landed and a riot broke out. It's difficult not to get distracted when things like this are going on around you but you try your best. Rest of the night seemed to go really well. Here endeth the 'No Sleep Till Brecon' tour. We'd had a few kips in between but for now, our mission was complete.


26/11/05 - Wrexham Central Station
There's no greater sight in the morning than that of a walk-in style carvery sandwich shop on the high street. Beef rolls with roast onions, horseradish and stuffing for two and a half quid. Yowser. Wrexham's good to us.

Bus was parked just across the road from TK Maxx, so braced for a Maxx Attack. Picked up some amazing leish off the bargain rail and had a look in a place called 'Music Zone' that seems to specialise in doing cheap DVDs. Never seen it before but managed to pick up 'Dirty Harry' and the remake of 'Dawn of the Dead' on DVD for four quid each. Bargain. Met some lads from 'The Old Swan' that we'd hooked up with last time. Friendly people here. Watched Wales play Australia in a nearby Wetherspoons then headed back to the venue.

Gig went well, managed to get through it thanks to the power of ultra-chloraseptic spray. Lots of enthusiasm and a good venue, full of mentalist charm. Had a shower back at a hotel called 'The Waterwings' or something then went back to the Central Station for a few drinks. Met lots of friendly heads and two separate people both celebrating their 21st birthdays. Xain was working behind the bar again.


25/11/05 - Bridgend Recreation Centre
Voice has now gone completely. Can only speak in rasping noises. No-one understands me. Quite literally. Have to use obvious hand signals when trying to communicate. Had a signing at Jungle Records again. Picked up Beecham's Powders and Ultra Chloraseptic spray from Boots on the way. What a fucking nightmare that was. Loads more pointing and grinning like an idiot. I even signalled for a pen and paper to try to speed up the request, simply met with a look of complete confusion. How hard can it be...?

Met Australian Mel from the London Curry Sessions at Kate's House in a cafe in Bridgend. That was pretty surreal. Lovely to see her.

We got back to the bus to find it surrounded by schoolkids who were pelting it with snowballs. With military precision we prepared some ammunition and launched a fierce counter-attack. Turned out it was some of the kids from the same school that we visited with Radio 1 for a day. Nice reunion. We were parked outside the leisure centre so thought I should go and check out the sauna and steam room to try to resurrect my voice. No such luck. Got some strange looks from people walking past the sauna when they heard a man whose voice was just breaking trying to rap. Cut my losses and headed for the spa. Was joined by a large mature lady who wanted to tell me all about her rheumatism.

Had to swap 'The Alchemist' for 'No Joke' today while my voice had gone. It's weird, may have been because George Best had just died or because it was freezing outside but it wasn't exactly the Friday night party crowd I'd expected. We went all out as per usual but it did seem harder to get a reaction than normal.


24/11/05 - Aberystwyth University
*(Apologies for writing in short sentences, this was how my mind was working at the time....)*
I'm rough. Coughing. Losing my voice. Set off to signing. 'Andy's Records'. Cold. Sea breeze. Had curry delivered. Chicken tikka starter and garlic naan. Made Indian sandwich (recommended). Gig went well. Kept screaming due to lack of voice. Made voice worse. Had to get back to bus. Fuckin freezin. Xain was serving behind student bar. States he 'likes to help out'. Feeling even worse now. Went to bed. Didn't sleep till 5am due to Eggsy's themed nightclub downstairs on the bus - 'The Slade & Summer Cocktail Sessions'.


23/11/05 - Bangor University
Must have needed sleep last night. Had a weird dream about Special Forces Agents travelling from the future to our time in order to erase me from history. Sounds like crazy bollocks but I woke with a start, attempted to sit up and smacked my head on the roof of the bunk.

Had a signing at 'Cob Records' in Bangor. Sometimes people have worked out how many people are in the band, how much room they need and how many pens need to be provided. Other times, all eight of us are crowded round a wonky table with two chairs and a chewed biro between us. I'll let you figure out which occured today. Regardless, I'm happy to say that lots of people popped down to say "alright?", not least a man who insisted that we sign all his copies of the Big Issue as we were on the cover. Fair enough. Had the pleasure of hooking up with one Al Fresco who we met at Leeds last year. Lovely lad. Went for a few beers then realised that nearly everyone in the pub was wearing homemade GLC gear. Headed back to the bus as a camera crew were doing some kind of 'Through the Keyhole' type affair and we had to 'organise' things (ie. tidy the bus up and shift any incriminating evidence).

After fine dining at the 'Fatcat Cafe', we got back to prepare for the show. Bangor went off tonight and so did all the hot water in the building. Luckily, one of the students who was working at the venue invited us back to use their amenities. The rest of their housemates couldn't believe the multicoloured leisurewear machine tramping round their lovely warm abode. Big up to those Unknown Soldiers, their hospitality matched only by their confusion as to what we were actually doing there. Got back to the bus, said our goodbyes to Al Fresco and took off into the night.


22/11/05 - Patti Pavilion, Swansea
Woke up late and had to find food quickly. We had a record signing to turn up to so time was of the essence. There was a pub called 'The Cricketers' round the corner from where the bus was parked so headed off down there. I'd heartily recommend their sausage sandwiches. Got a taxi to 'Derrick's Records' of Swansea and we were all a little dismayed to find that Derrick had departed this life some 15 years earlier. During the signing, we were presented with a special award from Undercurrents for 'Best Use of a Mini Cooper' (see 24/10/05). Funnily enough, it's actually called a 'MISTY Award'.


After that unexpected surprise, we had a wander round Swansea to see what we could see. There were a whole load of wooden chalet stalls set up towards the edge of town selling mulled wine, german sausages and other bits and bobs. I bought a mug of hot chocloate while Billy Webb and Tomothy got stuck into some mulled wine. On our way back we spotted a man with a massive beard wearing sunglasses and 3-D specs over the top, he looked amazing. We also spotted a lovely lady with rainbow dreads and a painted face buying a bumper pack of Rennie in Superdrug. She looked like she was still living each day touched by the Spirit of Ibiza.

I've a feeling that this show sold out too, either way it was heaving by the time we came on. Had another good old fashioned knees up and that was it. Off to the next port of call....Bangor!


21/11/05 - London/Newport/Blackwood Miner's Institute
Early start today. Bit spaced out from last night but nothing too hectic. Popped down the corner shop to replace some of the items I'd taken from the hotel minibar then we were taken down to Maida Vale for a live hook-up with Jo Whiley. We'd been asked to do one of our songs and a cover of another song. We did a swear-free 'RnB' (still quite tricky) and a punk rock cover of James Blunt's 'You're Beautiful'. Both worked pretty well by all accounts.

We caught a train back to Newport. On the way Xain was trying to teach me about how soundwaves travel and 'sound pressure levels'. Think it might have been a bit too complicated for me to grasp the first time round. From Newport we rejoined the Mothership and set off to the prestigious Blackwood Miner's Institute for a sell-out show. Good venue, good show and a good way to start the new tour. Joining us in the dressing room after was Kate from the NME London curry session, one Matching Metal Socks and four drunk young ladies who wondered if we might have any spare food they could take back to their house. We duly obliged commending them on their resourcefulness and rewarding them with tubs of humous. I've no real idea what that stuff is anyway.


20/11/05 - Newport/London
Off to London today as we're on Radio 1 with Jo Whiley tomorrow. Eggs and Xain went down there yesterday to hook up with Eddy Temple-Morris of Xfm fame and present him with a specially crafted 'GLC Xfm Christmas Party Mixtape'. Most of us got down to the Funbus/Mothership at 3pm but Adam and Billy had been out partying hard the night before. Not to be outdone, I rammed loads of Strongbow in on the way down and was pretty much smashed by the time we got to London. Had to do an interview for the BBC with Adam and Mike Balls about retro gaming but can't really remember what happened. There are independent accounts that indicate I was insisting in speaking my own language again so I reckon I must have gone to bed early.


19/11/05 - Newport
Spent most of today rushing round desperately trying to locate various bits of random leisurewear left lying around. The 'No Sleep Till Brecon' tour starts on Monday and then we're off supporting Feeder up and around the UK. Should be quality. No doubt I'll have plenty more tour stories to recount when we're done so you'll just have to hold tight till then......


18/11/05 - Liverpool/Wrexham/Newport
Woke up in Liverpool to be taken over to 'Hollyoaksland' for more experiences with the magic of television. One of the taxi drivers was playing 'Your Mother's Got A Penis' at top whack when he picked us up, lit a spliff and was reportedly hugging the wheel when he reached our destination. I thought they'd taken us to the wrong place cos all I could see was a large grey building that said 'Grange Hill' on the side. Apparently, they actually film them in the same place.

We met Gemma Atkinson (who played the lovely bird in the 'RnB' video) again and had a wander round on set before raiding the canteen downstairs. Had to pop back upstairs to shoot some scenes in a nightclub. Can't really say too much about the Hollyoaks thing apart from it's the 'Hollyoaks Let Loose' program, it's set on Christmas Eve and Mike Balls gets a chance to 'Defend the Chain'. That's it, you'll just have to watch it for your good selves.

On the rest of the cast's advice, we avoided lunch at the canteen and headed off to a local pub. Classic winter fare followed with scampi and Strongbow never too far away. The bus had followed us to our shooting location so we all tramped back aboard and rolled into our bunks for a good 2 - 3 hours. Felt great after waking up, re-energized and ready to tear shit up. Unfortunately, all we'd be doing for the next couple of hours would be the same scene over and over again. It must get pretty frustrating for everyone involved trying to get one continuous shot. Soon enough, we had to say our fond farewells and head off to Wrexham for Children In Need.

Once there, we were pretty much ready to get on stage. Classic sketch for the boys, no swearing or they'll refuse to have us on again. Only problem was that I'd never had to censor myself before. Do I just pretend to say it, cough half way through or make up new words that no one's heard before...? I seemed to manage it with a combination of coughs, grunts and beeps. Apparently 6000 people turned up despite the bitter cold coupled with a freezing breeze blowing in off the coast. Really good response - smiles, laughter and cheering in all the right places. We had to come off a song early because of live link-ups and satellites and stuff, so said our goodbyes and left them to the sweet mercy of the Sugababes.

It was a nice journey home. A kind of elated tiredness, a satisfied exhaustion that comes from a job well done.


17/11/05 - Newport/Wrexham/Liverpool
Had to head off to Wrexham on the bus tonight to do a camera rehearsal for tomorrow's 'Children In Need' charity event. On the way down we had a call from Dipper Nan, creator of 'Bedsit' and seller of 42" plasma screen TVs on the cheap. Eggs became increasingly excited at the nature of the call, called us all round and put his phone on loudspeaker. Dan then went on to tell us that his brother King Jacko was returning from living in a camper in Oz and that he was hoping to be back all over Christmas. Always nice to pop down to Dipper's house at Christmas, his folks do an amazing spread and make you feel really at home.

"That's something else I've got to tell you" remarked Dipper Nan. "I'm working with a bloke who used to do the voice for He-Man and Masters of the Universe". Dan's remarks were met with stunned silence followed by pockets of laughter. "No, it's true right, he's a building contractor now and owns a whole load of JCB's that move stuff around. I've had a 'By the Power of Greyskull' and two 'I Have the Powers' already today....."


16/11/05 - Newport
And a few more for ya. See if there's any faces you know.....

         


15/11/05 - Newport
More memories from the now legendary 'Penis Rally' courtesy of one Mr. Mike Hale of Brum. It's almost like looking at photographs from the Victorian era. Check it.

         


14/11/05 - Newport
We were honoured enough to receive a visit from one Howard Marks and his mate Bernie today. They'd come down with a two man film crew from Channel 5 News to catch some bits and bobs with us on film. Graham the Bear took this opportunity to find out Uncle Howard's opinion on his theories relating to 'Nocturnal Emissions' (see 08/11/05). Howard replied that unfortunately although they sounded plausible, Graham's theories were shit as any man handcuffed to a bed still thoroughly enjoying himself would testify.

We had a wander outside down past the canal to a pub called the Lyceum Tavern. It's great when Uncle Howard comes to see us. We can have a chat about any old shit and he'll suddenly turn it all on its head within a few sentences and tell you about Ancient Greece or how gravity can be harnessed into growing really strong weed or something equally startling. It's like he educates people without them even realizing. Amazing. I can see how he would have fared well in police interrogations.

Hattsy recounted a story of 'Cathy the Singing Nun' who used to sit in a corner of the Tavern and bang out her own versions of Led Zeppelin songs and glam rock classics. We had a few more pints and Hattsy decided to play his rendition of 'When I'm Sixty Four' on a battered old piano. It's not the fact that it was out of tune or the fact that Hats seemed to have trouble playing the right notes but the whole thing sounded amazingly bad to the delight of all present. It's curious to note that there are few things funnier than people doing things really badly. A few pints later and we had to say sad goodbyes to Uncle Howard, Bernie and the film crew and let them get on their way.

Got back and had a 'get in nice' session at Adam's. Had some food and fell asleep under my jacket next to the fire in Adam's living room. Watched 'Escape From New York' with the rest of the boys and then went home.


13/11/05 - Back in the Port
Behold! Playing in theatres near you: "Attack of the Futuristic Market Traders". (See 31/10/05).

 


12/11/05 - London/Newport
Must have had a few last night as I was feeling the power today. Got the train back to the Port. Kept nodding off, snorting, looking confused, smiling at the people I'd disturbed and then re-starting the cycle again. Got back, stuck the fire on, played with the cat from next door then relaxed in front of the telly. Had a herbal bath (no really) then hit the sheets. It's great going to bed straight out of the bath. It's like recreating the Sunday night feeling of having to go to school the next day and knowing you don't have to go anywhere. Yay.


11/11/05 - London
Had the afternoon off, so that was spent enjoying my bed. We'd also been told that an NME competition winner had won our company for the evening so got ourselves together, picked up some booze and set off to Kate's house. What a lovely time. We met all her housemates and got involved in some London Chicken Tikka Masala - if it's bright orange it's a London CTM, if it's red/crimson it's a Newport CTM. Despite not being a Newport CTM, it was still very nice. The takeaway establishment didn't understand the concept of half and half either but never mind.

We got hammered and then half way through the night I realised I'd met her before. "Yes, at the Scala gig" she said. "I was the one who had a fight with your Tour Manager trying to get on your tourbus". This newly-gleaned information didn't diminish the nice vibe of the night but before long we were encouraged to leave while we could still stand. Hugs all round and enthusiastic farewells sent us off on our way into the night. Glorious.

         

         
(Just in case you're wondering about the pain etched on Adam's face in the last picture, he'd just been accidentally kicked in the balls).


10/11/05 - Newport/London
Back down to London for us today. First on the agenda was hooking up with the delightful Myleene Klass in a studio to try teaching her 'rapping techniques'. A roll of pink gaffer tape was found by Hattsy rumaging through some cupboards and we convinced her that wearing the tape on her face was a good idea. She responded by forcing us all to wear the tape also which we agreed to do. We all agreed we had a damn good look by the end. After our tearful farewells, we headed off to the Riverside studios for the 'Russell Brand Show'.

Posh food, free beer and a lovely riverside balcony for us to relax on watching nutters on boats go rowing on the Thames through the darkness while a man screamed at them through a megaphone. We were invited along to finish off the show with a performing dog and her owner called Sheeba or Lollipop or something (the dog, not the owner). Came on at the end, waved to Jessica Stevenson from Spaced, got out of the way of the dog and then discovered my mic wasn't working. Carried on as per normal and my voice appeared out of nowhere two lines from the end of my verse. Regardless, the all-knowing gods of television deemed this 'good enough' for the industry so we set off on our way back to the hotel.

Hattsy had wisely invested in some Strongbow so we had some of that and carried on partying till the wee hours. Additional information: This just in. Independent sources state that I may or may not have made up my own language after downing 7 or 8 half-pint 'shots' in succession in Hattsy's room. I then declared the room to be under state law and commandeered Billy's bed for my own use. Sorry Bill. Once the revolution comes, you'll be one of the heads of state.


09/11/05 - Newport
I've been researching into the life of the author Philip K Dick recently. It's only cos the Mac Dad showed me a copy of his biography at the weekend that it rekindled my interest. I remembered him from reading 'Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep' years ago after experimenting in my head with concepts of reality and illusion. This was one of the biggest challenges that plagued him for years, trying to determine whether we're actually living in make-believe worlds of our own creation. Or not.

Ironically, if his greatest goal in life was to distinguish between reality and illusion or to discover which made up more of his life, he'd find a few things to distract him along the way. Living in parallel universes and parallel lives at the same time as his own, artificial satellites communicating with Earth via 'pink laser beams' and keeping an 8000 page, million word journal are just some of the things that made up his day-to-day life. Psychologists believe that he exhibited all the symptoms of 'frontal lobe epilepsy' but could never fully explain how he sometimes communicated in long-forgotten languages or knew his son was seriously ill when doctors could find nothing wrong.

As mentioned above, he was bang into his own Musings too. Check these out. Works of undiscovered genius or whispers of a madman...? You decide.


08/11/05 - Newport
Adam and Graham the Bear have just acquired 'The Warriors', the video game of the film so Eggs and I popped down to say hello and assist them in a virtual universe of violence and gang warfare.

Graham and Eggs got drunk later that night and a heated debate began on the nature of 'nocturnal emissions'. According to Graham's argument, wet dreams are solely a result of a man 'assisting himself', whether conscious or not. This hypothesis was based on a story of him being 'assaulted' in his sleep only to realize that the assailant was himself several confused minutes later. Eggs launched an attack on Graham's scientific prowess by declaring Graham an 'animal', that he didn't know what Pyrex was and that had he seen the films that he'd seen during science lessons he'd know that the whole act was completely spontaneous. The discussion continued for a good hour or so with many theories, calculations, hypothetical scenarios and 'down the pub' stories aired and analysed but no solid conclusions being drawn. It's true what they say, there are certain things that man was never meant to meddle with.


07/11/05 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
We were invited down to the Pop Factory Nominations at the Hard Rock Cafe in Cardiff today. Don't actually think I've ever been to a Hard Rock Cafe before. It was amazing. I saw one of Billy Idol's guitars and pictures of Elton John in a tracksuit. We met Dainton from Dirty Sanchez, always nice to see him. He explained that the rest of the boys were suffering collective hangovers, were ill and/or couldn't be arsed. We also bore witness to a band called 'The Automatic' who'll be supporting us for the Welsh tour later this month. Young lads but full of hi-energy manoeuvres. I'm sure they'll be made more than welcome.


06/11/05 - Newport
Woke up with a start. It's not often that I get dreams that are so unsettling and so weird that the shock of them occuring rouses me from my slumber. I was walking through a supermarket and my phone started ringing. I looked at the display and it read 'Nigeria Calling'. Without thinking, I answered the phone and immediately heard a booming laugh like Baron Samedi out of 'Live and Let Die'. I instinctively knew that me and my phone were cursed and doomed to wander round in a supermarket forever.....that's when I woke up, scared shitless.

Now, this is what gets me: How can one part of my brain assemble a scenario that scares me so much that it wakes me up...? Surely it's akin to having two or more people in my head wrestling for control. Admittedly, my sleep patterns were all over the place from the night before and it was 4pm when I woke up so my body may have been as confused as my mind was. Perhaps it works like a subtle yet primitive alarm clock - it's the middle of the day and my body knows that so it instructs part of my brain to wake up the mind and kick start conscious thought. If that's the case, well fair enough but I wish it wouldn't use Baron Samedi.


Click Baron Samedi


05/11/05 - Newport
It's Bonfire Night again and the amount of fireworks bursting above our heads has increased dramatically since last year. Is this the same all over the UK or is it just the good people of Newport who seem obsessed with blowing things up...?

Hooked up with my brother and his missus for a few Bonfire Night drinks. It was the Mac Dad's birthday today so we had a little get together with old faces and new. Delightful but inevitably ending in carnage. All got back to Hywel's (King Vampire) for extended drinking experiments.

I regained consciousness on Hywel's sofa surrounded by other Creatures of the Night stirring and groaning. Still unsteady on my feet, I convinced Eggsy to get me home as I was still incapable. Luckily for me he did, I returned at midday and slept....


04/11/05 - Newport
If everyone in the whole world told the truth for a day, would it be for the better or for the worse....?


03/11/05 - Newport
Here's another one of those things where I don't really understand how it works but I'm certainly glad it does: internet radio. The great thing is that unlike conventional radio, there are literally so many stations out there that (almost) every taste is catered for. In fact, if you don't find what you're after, that's almost the only kind of impetus you need to set one up yourself. If you know how. Which I don't.

I'm using a crazy free universal player called 'Winamp'. You can get a whole shitload of internet radio stations through this and other players. What to listen to....? Ah, I'm glad you asked. This one's the bollocks: Based in San Francisco and churning out a continuous blend of ambient and chilled beats and breaks - Groove Salad FM. Proper floaty choons for all occasions. Nice.


02/11/05 - Newport/London/Newport
Headed down to London in a shit minibus today for some magazine interviews and filming with Popworld. All seemed to go well. According to the folk in the know, the interview airs on Channel 4 on the 12th, the song airs on the 19th and 'RnB' itself is released on the 21st which just so happens to be the 1st night of the Welsh tour too.


01/11/05 - Newport
Been listening to the Oral Blogs/Podcasts that we did in Bristol today. It's hilarious to think that essentially all we're doing is recounting stories of life on the road and living in Newport but these are the kind of stories that need to be told. It's true when Eggs states it's "a means of telling folk tales through the medium of the internet". If we hadn't, many of these gems would lie dormant and forgotten, like sparkling jewels in a waterfall or a replicant's tears in rain.

If you were unfortunate enough to miss out the 1st time round don't worry, they're all here, yo:
Oral Blogs 1 - Your Missus Is A Nutter
Oral Blogs 2 - All About Maggot
Oral Blogs 3 - Tripple Nipple
Oral Blogs 4 - Mr Pipes and Adam's Nan
Oral Blogs 5 - The Grande Finale


31/10/05 - Newport/Vale of Glamorgan/Newport
As soon as I fell asleep, I was up again being told to get off the bus. Drove home and rolled back into bed. Slept for three-quarters of an hour then had to drive to this posh gaff for an article with Golf Punk magazine.

The Golf Punk people came down complete with an obscenely expensive selection of horrific golfing attire which we tried on with glee. Can't wait to see the article and the photographs. Fuck knows what the members thought of us wandering around. I spotted one old dude literally open-mouthed at the sight of Billy walking past looking like a pyschedelic Lord of the Manor. We were supplied with a set of clubs each, shown to our buggies and set off towards the green. Once there, chaos began unfolding in all directions. Ballsy chipped a golf ball into the side of Nienke's head, golf buggies began churning up mud over the course and then a bloke who was taking shots at the green we were stood next to started shouting and waving his arms. Not really understanding what was going on, we just waved back for a bit.

After a few more photographs, we headed down to a delightful 'island hole' surrounded by water like on Super Mario Golf or Tiger Woods. More messing about meant a visit from the 'Golf Police' who escorted us back to the clubhouse. We met a chap called Clive who gave us an in-depth tutorial on the basics, intricacies and aesthetics of playing golf. He'd been playing for thirty years so he knew his stuff. After whacking two buckets of golf balls each on the driving ranch with varying degrees of success, we settled down to some well deserved munch. The weather took a turn for the worse shortly after so we said our thank-yous and goodbyes and headed off back to Newport, Land of Chillin and Sleep.


30/10/05 - Edinburgh/Newport
All the cash machines in Edinburgh have gone crazy. Not like in Superman III when they start spewing money out but by giving us weird messages and card rejections. Must be something to do with the clocks going back. Or the fact it's the day before Halloween. Or because Adam's Tour Manager so he's automatically the one responsible for the cash machines and anything else going wrong today.

Xain watched an episode of 'Most Haunted' where they go into the vaults underneath Edinburgh Castle and wanted to do the same in a valiant attempt to instigate a ghost hunt. Now I'm all for paranormal investigations but surely not before a gig. As if wandering round cold dungeons for an hour and a half isn't enough, there's the added danger of pyschic exhaustion. I've seen Derek Acorah getting possessed by spirits on numerous occasions and he's always knackered by the end of it. Crossing different planes of existence must be like running a spiritual marathon. In addition they had actual spiritualist mediums up in the Castle conducting a mass seance in an attempt to research reported poltergeist activity. Too much for me. I'll just stay on the bus and have a few Strongbows, thank you.

The show went really well. Dominik Diamond and chums popped by to say hello and quaff some ales. Always lovely to see Mr. Diamond. I'd always admired his works since the days of Gamesmaster. Besides the Diamond getting away with crap double entendres before the watershed ("Waggling your joystick in the privacy of your bedroom", etc.) and delightful young maidens in skimpy outfits handing out awards, you'd also encounter one Patrick Moore looking like a cyber-mentalist giving hints and tips to young folk who'd got themselves stuck on computer games.....

     
Young Person: "Hello Gamesmaster. I'm playing 'Electric Fuzzy Bee Lethal Killing Machine' but keep getting stuck on the end of level guardian in the Honey Palace. Can you help me please.....?"

Gamesmaster: "Well young man, what a sticky mess you've got yourself into. Tell you what, it's the 90's, you're young, healthy and relatively intelligent - why not fuck it all off and go outside to play with other young scamps....? There's a whole real world waiting for you to explore outside. Now be off with you"

Young Person: "Erm....thanks Gamesmaster. You've been a great help"


29/10/05 - Newport/Edinburgh
Had to set off for Edinburgh tonight for a gig at the Liquid Rooms tomorrow. Stopped by at Billy's for a couple of hours as he was having a Halloween fancy dress party early. In a strange twist of fate, we watched 'The Warriors' on the bus on the way up. Amazing. The sign of a gritty 70's urban film for me is a wicked soundtrack, a solid quotable script and gangs that emphasize how hard they are by dressing up in campy matching costumes (with good multicoloured face paint if needed). Adam's supposed to be taking over as Tour Manager tomorrow looking after the rest of us. I wonder how he'll cope...?


28/10/05 - Newport
Managed to catch the Chain on telly today on 'The Money Program'. In a report entitled 'Burberry Versus the Chavs', we popped up to explain our side of the story with regards to the 'Chavalier' and why it had to be destroyed on the demands of humourless law people. To anyone who doesn't already know the story, Max Power ran an article on us with a custom-made 'Chavalier' - a Vauxhall Cavalier with a horrible check style paint job.

   
We drove it round for a bit and pulled some handbrake turns in a supermarket car park. It even made an appearance on the open roads for the now-infamous 'Penis Rally' where Burberry clad nutcases and leisuresuited Chainheads marched on London. The Super Furries had their multicoloured techno tank, the KLF had their Ford Galaxy Police Interceptor, we had a fucked Cavalier with no MOT and various obscenities sprayed on the side.

     
However, all good things must come to an end. We had to hand the keys back and the Max Power people decided to stick it on eBay, just to see what would happen. Of course after that kind of publicity everyone wanted a go and soon bids reached the giddy heights of £1,200 - this is where the Burberry Killjoy Krew decided to have words. They demanded not only the immediate destruction of the Chavalier but video evidence of the car being wrecked. The problem, they stated, was that the Burberry design was being used without permission and on a project that they hadn't approved (translation: had no control over).

A lot of people said that their response was a little over the top. After all, they could have claimed ownership of the car and used it up and down the UK when opening new stores. Saying that, was the car actually ever destroyed...? We may never know. A number of shadowy characters seem to think that another car was quickly resprayed and crushed to keep the legal eagles happy and flying high. I like to think that it became conscious of its own existence like in 'Herbie Goes Bananas', realised it was under threat and did a runner, screeching and wheelspinning off into the night. Perhaps he'll return in a sequel and ramraid the front of the Burberry store.


27/10/05 - Newport
After a few gentle early afternoon pints, a return home for a delightful mid-afternoon nap that takes you nicely into early evening, there's no better way to top this off than by going back out again, getting blind drunk, watching an episode of the A-Team and then getting delivered home at 3.45am by a Dragon Taxi that happens to be a bright red imported Chrysler with an aeroplane engine installed. Recommended.


26/10/05 - Newport
Back in the day, round about this time of year, I'd have been playing in the woods and come back home for my tea as it got dark. It'd be a Sunday evening and I'd be thinking about how I could try to get out of school the next day. Before my Mum would run a bath and chuck me in, there'd be some kind of BBC drama adaptation of a book or something like 'Chronicles of Narnia', 'Elidor' or my own personal favourite, 'The Box of Delights'. This was like an 80's version of a Playstation but it made you fly or shrink really small. I've managed to find a clip that has stuck in my head ever since I saw it the first time round. You'll need Realplayer but just check this out for tripping out in your living room.....


25/10/05 - Newport
Been reliably informed by one Adam Hussain that it's TV spirit medium Derek Acorah's last show with 'Most Haunted' this weekend. The thing is, 'Most Haunted' DVD's are a firm family favourite on the bus. Many are the times we've played back and re-played segments to see whether it was an orb, an optical illusion, a spectre or a bit of congealed curry sauce that we spotted on the telly. I don't have any of these posh channels at home, just the regular terrestrial stuff so it's always a treat to see 'what the other half watch'.

We managed to get some tickets to go and see Derek Acorah live in Bristol. It was amazing. He talked to some cat and dog spirits and then started talking to cows. I don't know why. I was amazed by the format of the show. For some reason I was expecting fireworks, a lone spotlight and a high chair, a musical number or two sat at a piano and then a grand finale. Sometimes I get things a bit mixed up in my head. Mind you, a 'Royal Variety Performance: Psychic Special' would be wicked.


24/10/05 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
It's nice to get back to the 80's every now and then. As testament to an innocent period where life seemed to go on forever, there will always be certain things that make you remember that amazing decade. Shit hot TV, like 'Bullseye' or 'Kickstart'. Rubik's Cubes. Geoff Capes. People sitting in bathtubs of baked beans for charity. Being allowed to bring in toys and board games at school for charity. Seeing how many people you can get in a Mini for charity. And so it came to pass that we were told to gather down Cardiff Bay and try our hands at all getting into a small British-made mode of transport. The results are displayed for your delectation below....

     
Bear cruel witness to the pain, relish the agony of a load of blads in a tiny car. It's all for a charity called 'Shelter' that campaign for the right of everyone to safe, suitable and affordable housing. Remember...? It's all about the simple things that we'd normally take for granted.


23/10/05 - Newport/Manchester/Newport
I was still knackered from the London break so as soon as the tour bus arrived, I rolled into my 'space pod' style bunkbed and crashed. The extreme sports festival came and went, then we flew across Europe to Tibet where we were staying in some crazy log cabins. It was a lovely village but people across the way were talking too loudly and caused an avalanche to fall covering us in our lovely chalets beneath the snow. As I was trying to formulate a plan to get us out of this, I was distracted by our tour manager shouting at me to get of bed. I'd dreamt that I'd already done what I was about to. At that stage it was like going back in time or restarting a day that you'd already lived. I was most confused.

We had to get our photos taken for the passes backstage. Here's the result, check out both my radical stance and pseudonym for the day, yo.....

 
So as can be gathered so far, not a lot of us really knew what was going on. We had some interviews with extreme sports people, had a chat with a student TV station and had the honour of meeting a motorcross pro from UK FMX who used to go to Crosskeys College in Risca. So far so safe. Apparently Maggot had to have a go on a BMX on the ramps in front of the crowds although I would have thought a penny farthing would be more appropriate. Big wheel up....! Did the show with bright lights and handheld cameras buzzing all around. Seemed to go quite well, although it was more of a 'family fun day' then the kind of crowd you'd get at the X-Games or Slam Dunk Funky Olympics or something. Had to leave soon after to head back to the Port. Once again rolled back into my space pod and soon reconnected with the cosmos.


22/10/05 - London/Newport
London reminds me of a crazy, illogical force of nature in the way it never stops. All the time things are happening, throughout the night, neverending, ever dynamic, flowing. However, all things must come to an end and this is how I found myself back in the Eye of the Storm of confusion of public transport in London. I can't stand it. Nasty. Really hot, then a gust of wind, then loads of people, then escalators, then armed police, then the horrible stench of clutch fluid and then all over again.

It's a great place but I don't think I could ever live there. 7 million people just shouldn't live in such close proximity. With my present mindset, I could never count myself as one of them. It's not just the physical aspect of being surrounded by people, it's the mental realization that they're always there, all over the place, there's little or no escape. With great joy and relief, I find myself back in Newport and wonder what Londoners would think of our little bit of Welsh Paradise. Maybe it would terrify them like London does me. Think about it from that perspective: Literally nothing happens, at certain times at night all the streets are deserted and people all go to bed at the same time. Sounds good to me.

Off to the Action Sports World Championships at Manchester Evening News Arena tomorrow. Should be a bit of fun.


21/10/05 - London
Still keeping with the 'semi-cultured' theme, we headed over to Westminster today for the 'International Manga and Anime Festival 2005'. Again, it's all free to have a look around and and it's something to do so it kept us busy. Think it needs a few more people dressed up in ridiculous costumes or buttons to press with flashing lights. Perhaps someone dressed as a giant Japanese robot pretending to blow people up with rubber rockets or something. Just an idea. Stopped by Wagamama's for some well-needed nourishment in the form of chicken, noodles, soup and vegetable dumplings. Good winter fare.


20/10/05 - London
Staying over at my friend Dylan's with his missus, Anjali. We decided to head over to Notting Hill to have a look at Banksy's exhibition that everyone's talking about. Maggot called to say that he'd just passed us on the bus so we hooked up and he employed some of his 'secret knowledge' of London to get us to our destination. It wasn't that big but it was pretty cool. It's got about 180 live rats running round the whole exhibition, one of them took an interest in me and started nibbling the bottom of my jeans. You could only spend about 5 minutes in the exhibition before they kick you out again but it doesn't really take that long. Nice to do something semi-cultured for a change.

Talking of which, I almost forgot to tell you about the casino story. Decided to pop down to a posh casino for some sophisticated fun and games as Anjali's a member and can get two guests in. They took one look at me and almost called security there and then. Even dressed in my best jeans, t-shirt and trainers, I wasn't to be allowed entry. I explained that I was unused to what I referred to as 'Big City Life', advised that I was a mere country yokel from some obscure backwater village and politely enquired if they had a lost property box with which I may try to pass as someone who visits casinos unhindered by dress codes. Impressed with my humility and apparent wide-eyed astonishment at 'Life in the City', they swapped my ski jacket and cap for a suit jacket and sent me on my way. I played a half hour of Blackjack, won £45 and then treated my friends to burgers and chips downstairs, cos we're posh like that. Saying that, I've never been asked how I wanted my burger cooking before.


19/10/05 - London
Pretty wonky today. Got a call at 12.15pm to ask when I was checking out. When I asked them what time check out was, they said 11am. What a stupid conversation. The rest of the boys had left for Newport in the minibus but I decided to stay on in London to find some chums I hadn't seen for ages. Got confused on the Tube and journeyed South instead of North then got wound up with people either twatting me with giant rucksacks or trying to run me over with those oversized suitcases on wheels. How many people are really in such a rush...? Perhaps they're just shy and don't want to stop because that'll mean they have to start talking to people.


18/10/05 - London
Had a lovely time lazing round in the hotel sauna, steam room and spa this afternoon. Unlike Billy and Hats, I forgot to pack my trunks so resorted to sitting in the spa in my pants. Decided to get out after re-enacting scenes from Scarface. Got our shit together and headed over to the Hammersmith Palais for about 6.30pm. Did the crazy press and photos thing and then pottered over to our table. We were up for two awards: 'Best Digital Campaign' and 'Best Urban Artist'. Happy to say that we won the latter so it was probably down to our appearance at the Rise festival. We all went up to collect the award along with Jack Melhuish who does magical music science on our behalf. Had a lovely time. Then it was the moment of truth for us to entertain those people lucky enough to be drunk and sitting down. Would it be a seamless blend of classical strings and melodic urban prose or a handful of musical professionals looking uncomfortable as a load of idiots in tracksuits pranced around them...? Well, I still haven't seen it myself so I can't tell you but it seemed to go OK. Hooked up with Bibs, Mr & Mrs. 2-Fat and other Forum types after the show for extended drinking, fun and games. Crashed around 5am.


17/10/05 - Newport/London
More fun on the minibus down to London. Adam's much better but Eggs is turning different colours and moaning now.


16/10/05 - Newport
Back off down to London tomorrow for more rehearsals with those proper musicians who play real instruments on stage and everything. It's all in aid of the 2005 Digital Music Awards. Don't really understand that much about it but it seems rather important to a lot of people.


15/10/05 - Newport
Recovery session. Need to work out sleep deficit. Lack of energy equates to horizontal standby mode.


14/10/05 - Newport/Birmingham/Newport
Crazy show down at the Barfly in Birmingham today for Zane Lowe's Gonzo on MTV2. Lovely to see that some of the Forum Crew made it down again. Not entirely sure what happened towards the end of the night, may have been involved in advanced drinking at that stage. From the looks of things, Maggot was also flying through time and space....

 
More minibus mayhem on the way back. Fired up my inflatable travel pillow that I picked up in a bargain basket on the Continent for a single Euro. Must have passed out. Next thing I recall was Eggs shouting excitedly, 'They've got road signs, they're pissed, they're on the way home and they're carrying road signs'. Successfully guessed I was back in the Port before opening my eyes.


13/10/05 - Watford/London/Newport
Headed back down to London way today to start rehearsals with a string quartet for an awards ceremony next week. They're from the Philharmonia Orchestra and seem very nice if slightly intimidated by idiots like us. They're providing the backing music for 'Nutter' while we do our stuff over the top. Needs a bit of tweaking and some magic from Xain but we should manage it.


12/10/05 - Watford
Always long old days these video shoots. We were up at 7.30am to be picked up and driven to the location which happened to be a deserted college. When we got there, it was amazing, the whole place was massive with a clock tower and posh gardens and stuff. Adam turned up a few hours later, looking a little bit better but still not entirely right. During the day we were forced to sit in an 'RnB' masterclass, learn dance moves, play more 'Circles of Death' and generally sit around waiting for stuff to happen. Don't really want to say too much cos that'll spoil it when it comes out.....but I would also add that we were honoured and privileged to have a very special guest with us for the day too. Ooooooh. Had to start speeding things up towards the end of the day and finally got back at about midnight.


11/10/05 - Newport/Watford
We hooked up at the appointed hour and Adam appeared like a member of the undead. He was that pale, he looked like he'd been pelted with flour. He stumbled round for a bit, tried to explain that he'd lost his voice and he may have some kind of non-specific but highly contagious strain of Adam Disease, then spent the next half hour on the phone to his local surgery, NHS Direct, a random doctor and even his Mum. Once confirmed that he should be able to travel in a confined space (such as a crap minibus) without fear of striking others down with his germs, we set off on our merry way with Adam wrapped up in our coats.

Got to the hotel in Watford and met Conal for a pint and a chat. Had a go on the Hangman machine in the corner. I can normally get a couple of quid out of the older ones, just like the Crystal Maze arcade challenge machines before them. This one just wasn't playing the game, however. Classic sketch, quid goes in and nothing happens. What's the fucking point of even putting those bright red 'reject' buttons on if they never work anyway? I told the bloke behind the bar who asked me to ask the head waitress. Asked her and she told me to ask reception. Reception re-directed me back to the bar. Forgot about it for a bit. Went out for food, came back and someone else was at reception. Explained all over again, she sighed deeply and (with much over-dramatised remorse) pushed a £1 coin across the desk towards me. Bloody rip-off Britain, honestly. All I wanted was my fucking pound back.

Got to bed and watched another repeat of another program going on about music in the 80's that I'd seen before. Then found out Cannonball Run II was on but it would mean staying up till half three in the morning to watch it. I've a feeling that when I saw it on a random Saturday afternoon round a friend's house twenty years ago, it was the first time I'd ever seen Jackie Chan. I think he plays a co-pilot to the bloke who plays Jaws in James Bond and their car flies or something. Anyway, early start tomorrow.....


10/10/05 - Newport
Back off down to London and Watford for press stuff and the video shoot for the new single tomorrow, 'RnB'. It's nice to get away but then it's nice to get back. Hey, it's just kind of nice.


09/10/05 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
More time spent in Cardiff with Eggs and Xain today. We're all still working on a few special projects to be unveiled sometime soonish. It's all about the......timing.


08/10/05 - Cardiff/Newport
And so onto the quintessential chill out day. Strongbow, jazz, daily paper to scan, nice music, good food and pleasant company. All required to achieve maximum chillage throughout the day. Discovered that not all television is rubbish. Watching repeats of Bullseye reveals that this truly was the greatest game show on Earth. If not for the Jim Bowen and Tony Green combination, then for the 80's fashions, the shit prizes and the theme tune. Oh, the theme tune. I'd forgotten how it changes as the credits roll at the end if they'd won the Star Prize or lost it all in the heat of gambling everything else. Of course, as everyone knows there's nothing better than the bewildered faces of folk in the eighties when presented with a pair of matching jetskis complete with pink and green neon trim.

     


07/10/05 - Newport/Cardiff
Hooked up with some chums in Cardiff again today. Haven't been out clubbing in ages so decided to check out Bionic at Evolution, down Cardiff Bay. Had a taxi driver who insisted on siging to us on the way down. His verse structure needed a bit of work but his themes were very well observed. Here's an example from what I can remember:
"I am so happy, I love this country.
It is good, I like to sing, it makes me happy.
I drive you there safely, I am Bengal Tiger.
And so back to me, I am King of the Road"

Amazing. Gave him a £2 tip and then went off raving till 4.30am.


06/10/05 - Newport
I can remember Johnny Ball or someone equally clued up going on about sleeping patterns, brainwaves and dream cycles. Apparently, we sleep in 3 hour segments during which time we fall asleep, our brain patterns change, we undergo REM sleep, come back round unconsciously and then go through the whole thing again. The most intense part of this is the REM stage where delta stage brainwave frequencies transform into theta brainwave frequencies - essentially the brain remains active despite a lack of immediate physical awareness. Now this is the thing right - this REM bit takes 90 minutes, which as we know is the average time for a TV film to be on. Is this the reason that when we're awakened during the REM stage and go back to sleep, we think we can begin exactly where we left off, like a VHS tape or DVD being paused and then played again...?

Inevitably, it's never the same and we find that the dream or vision has changed in some way, sometimes the brain disposes of it completely and begins again. Sometimes after a proper extended lie down, I wake up and find that everyday things trigger memories of dreams I had the previous night. What's all that about...? If, as we are led to believe, a natural dream state is a way for our brains to dump irrelevant data, why is my brain retaining snapshots of information...? If most brains dispose of unnecessary information, why is mine getting into recycling...?


05/10/05 - Newport
Now that we've had more time at home, I've had the chance to watch some proper television. Now I'm sure I'm not the first to say this but what a load of old shit. If it's not any new form of reality television, it's 'Behind-the-Scenes' of reality television and 'Reality Extra'. What? How more real do you want? Just fucking go outside. Then there are the bastard '50 Best...' - who cares? These lot are sneaky because they quite openly tease you about 'choice' bits of TV coming up soon but fill the rest of the programme with a presenter quite obviously disinterested in the whole concept. Add 3 - 4 minutes of adverts every quarter of an hour and there you go, job well done. Bag of bollocks. I say build a massive leisure centre with electric fences and invite people in to check it out as an introductory offer. Once inside it all goes fucking 'Running Man' and a load of nutters in brightly coloured garments start chasing them round the course, trying to dismember them in various ways. If that sounds a little too extreme, well possibly but we need to take drastic measures to wake the population from their slumber and I make no apologies for that.


04/10/05 - Newport
Think the website's back to normal again now. 'The Developer' is well pleased.


03/10/05 - Newport
Had another session down the local today. Along with me and Eggs were Adam, Graham the Bear, Danny Draw and Hywel - King Vampire. The latter is an incredible character over 7 feet tall and with pallid, almost translucent skin. Funnily enough, his presence is in itself an optical illusion. Wherever you think he is, he actually isn't. That's the easiest way I can explain it. It's something to do with the way in which he bends light.

After a few easy pints, we were invited back to Adam and Graham the Bear's to continue our discussion on modren day living. Brandy was introduced into the equation and things started to get out of hand. Eggs seemed convinced that he could deliver electric shocks from his fingers were he to scream "9 VOLTS, BOTH HANDS" before attacking his victims. Then a special round of 'R&B Punchies' took place where the fighters take it in turns to scream the names of popular R&B artists before unleashing a fistful of punches on the other. A lovely evening's entertainment all round.


02/10/05 - Cardiff/Newport
It's nice to have a normal weekend for a change. Even had a normal hangover which meant heading down the pub again for some form of Sunday dinner and Strongbow, just to set the scene. Then said my goodbyes, headed back to the Port again and enjoyed an afternoon nap. Woke up in a sleepy haze so well suited to early Sunday evenings and headed off down the local with Eggs. We compared weekend experiences and made up ideas for TV shows that we'd like to see in our minds.


01/10/05 - Cardiff/Newport/Cardiff
Found myself asleep on a sofa this morning so headed back to the Port with an aching neck and a near psychotic need for sleep. The late afternoon arrived and I awoke refreshed and relaxed. Headed back to Cardiff for birthday celebrations down Cardiff Bay. There's a Japanese restaurant called Izakaya where you can drink sake, sit cross-legged eating sushi and poke each other with chopsticks, just for fun. After drinking, eating and laughter we headed over to a flat to get on with the party proper which continued to the early hours. This time I managed to blag myself a bed with a new mattress. Come on!


30/09/05 - Newport/Cardiff
Back to Cardiff to see some old friends today. It's nice to hook up every now and then and see how people are getting on. It was just like the good old days. I turned up about 9pm and everyone was fucking hammered, giving me the impetus to speed drink Strongbow and attempt to attain their levels of heady intoxication. My attempts were rewarded with encouraging results such as forgetting what I was talking about half way through coversations and a complete inability to stand.


29/09/05 - Newport
Website still isn't fixed. Supposed to be something to do with synching and switching servers or something. The people trying to fix it keep on referring to me as 'The Developer'. Amazing. It's like an episode of Dr. Who:

The Developer: "Ah, welcome Doctor. I've been waiting for you a long time"
(BBC Radiophonic Workshop chimes and vibes sound in a slightly menacing, slightly comical manner as The Developer wrapped in a long cloak steps out of the shadows)
The Doctor: "The Developer! I left you stranded on Quangon IV! However did you escape?"
The Developer: "Hah! No time for continuity structure now Doctor, the scriptwriters should have thought of that already....now by the Powers of New Technology....YOU WILL DIE!"
Sandra, companion of The Doctor: (screams) "Doctor! No!"
(BBC Radiophonic Workshop sounds increase in intensity, building to a violent crescendo of chaos....)
The Doctor: "Erm...nothing's happened Developer. It would appear your website's gone to shit again"
The Developer: "Fuck it. Well, I suppose I'll just let you go then. Bye"


28/09/05 - Newport
Can't recall what I did today but I do know that Eggs, Adam and Graham the Bear went to watch George A Romero's 'Land of the Dead' today for two quid each. According to their detailed zombie analysis, it wasn't really all that good although someone's face does get bitten off or something. Apparently, they'd never experienced what they refer to as 'zombie compassion' and 'zombie sentimentality' before and weren't that impressed.


27/09/05 - Newport/Porth/Newport
Lesson for today: Learn to focus. In this heady, sped-up crystalline illusion of a world, there are often too many things going on at once in the average life and consequently too many things to think about. A lot of things we do on autopilot: breathing, blinking, walking, talking. Other everyday things can be a bit more complicated but when done enough times are deemed a 'repetitive task with which we are already experienced'. Here's my downfall. In not concentrating on what I was doing and thinking about too many things at once, I managed to fill my diesel car with unleaded petrol. Didn't even realize I'd done it....

Had to pick up some of the other lads to drive to the Pop Factory in Porth to do a few songs for a show called 'The Guestlist' on ITV1 Wales. All was fine, show went well, said our goodbyes and climbed into the car. It was raining quite heavily so I put down the juddering sensation to water in the engine. No problem, it'll soon evaporate. Driving back and the vibrations get worse, the revs are going and I still can't figure out what's going on. In my head, I try to retrace my steps and then it hits me. From a mental snapshot, I can see my hand reaching out to a green-coloured pump and that's all the evidence I need. We gather up as much speed as we can hoping that I've got enough diesel in the engine to get me back home. No such luck. We soon lose all power and I've got just enough momentum to elegantly glide into the hard shoulder....

The lady on the phone of the breakdown people was in stitches. She couldn't even find my records so had to take my credit card details. Then the other boys had to get a taxi to get home. Then I had to explain to the breakdown truck controller exactly where I was by jogging up the hard shoulder and reading the information off a motorway sign. Then when he managed to find me and pick me up, he went through a red light and a camera went off. The good news is that he took me back to a garage where they drained the offending unleaded out and refilled it with diesel. £140 procedure and labour costs, £15 unleaded petrol that caused the problem in the first place plus £10 diesel to get me home equals £165 all in. While I was waiting I had a packet of Flaming Hot Mega Monster Munch and several cups of tea out of the machine. They even had a TV in reception and as it was about 1am at this stage, there was some kind of foreign sex film on. I had quite a nice time at the garage really though I wouldn't recommend it for extended stays.

So, a lesson well learned. Remember to focus on what you're doing, no matter how many times you've done it before. You won't fuck up as easily. Or not as often anyway.


26/09/05 - Newcastle/Newport
Another one of those crazy Freshers' Week shows today. They're always guaranteed carnage. Rosco decided that he couldn't miss this show either so came along for the craic. Dominic from The Others came to say hello when we were down. Some of the other lads met him at the Pukkelpop festival in Belgium last time round. Bez from the Happy Mondays came over too, he was doing an MC and DJ set after our show.

As well as losing stuff off the website, I've come to the conclusion that I've lost loads of stuff off the bus and am slowly losing my mind. I hate losing stuff. It's not that I'm one of the most organised people in the world but I've normally got a good memory for where things should be. That's what annoys me the most, not the fact that I've lost it, it's the fact it's not there and the fact that I've now got to set aside wasting a load of precious time looking for whatever it is I've lost. My apologies for ranting. I feel a bit better now.


25/09/05 - Port Talbot/Newport/Newcastle
Back home for a brief respite then back on the bus. Bibs from the Forum kindly informed me that the entire website's gone tits up while I've been away and reverted to a version from weeks back. New technology, honestly. For fuck's sake.

Watched 'Return of the Living Dead' on the bus. Wicked. All about radioactive rain falling on a cemetary that causes corpses to turn into zombies and crawl out of their graves and attack people (much as the undead tend to). Then I can remember looking at the stars from out of one of the vents in the roof of the bus and feeling quite peaceful.


24/09/05 - Newport/Port Talbot
Had to head over to Jungle Records in Bridgend today for a signing. Loads of happy faces and one woman with no teeth who was asking where the producers and songwriters were. Turned out she was the old bird from the X Factor that Simon Cowell fancied or something.

More fun and games with the Super Furries in Port Talbot. The stage wasn't as big as the other show so we wisely gave the shopmobility vibe a miss. Sad news - turns out Rosco P is nearing financial ruin and has had to pack in his crazy dancing with the band. We offered him some kind of assistance but his pride and honour simply wouldn't allow him to accept. Apparently, he's been accepted as an 'entertainer' on a cruise ship based solely on the premise that he's appeared on stage with us at the festivals. According to Rosco (and these words will always stay with me) "All I want to do is dance". Good luck son, you'll be sorely missed by everyone whose lives you touched. Metaphorically I mean. Don't want to make you out to be some kind of sex criminal who goes around touching people without their consent.


23/09/05 - London/Letchworth/Newport
At some stage the previous night, I heard someone say, "If you can do no good, do no evil". Don't know why but that got stuck in my head today.


22/09/05 - Newport/London
After a refreshing night of slumber, we embarked back upon the exciting open roads of adventure supporting the Super Furries down at the Brixton Academy. Xain decided to bring his shopmobility down as it hadn't made an appearance since the festivals. We didn't realize that the Furries also had their own mode of automated transport in the form of a golf buggy. Towards the end of the show both Xain and the Furries started chasing each other round the riser on stage reminiscent of the Wacky Races. When Xain's batteries started running out, Eggy resorted to sprinting behind him pushing him round the stage. A near fatal crash was narrowly averted when the shopmobility skidded, span round and lost all power but then again people probably thought it was all part of the show. Could have been like Tommy Cooper all over again.


21/09/05 - Bristol/Birmingham/Newport
Supposed to be getting up at Stupid O'Clock today for another kind of breakfast radio show. Luckily, Hattsy offered to do it late last night in a combined state of 'being responsible' with 'having had too many posh drinks'. Soldier that he is, he soon returned to his bunk shortly after declaring early mornings both 'bloody rubbish' and a 'waste of everyones' time'. Well done that lad. Arrived back in Newport later on and almost kissed the hallowed ground such was the relief.


20/09/05 - London/Bristol
Off to Bristol today with heavy heads and featherweight minds, ie. hungover to fuck. Had a signing in Fopp, the record shop that proudly doesn't fuck around with '.99p' on the end of prices. We wandered in and very nearly experienced a full-on Spinal Tap complete with whistling wind and tumbleweed moment. It was alright though, it turned out we'd emerged on some form of raised stage and couldn't see the people who'd queued up to see us below. Big ups to those people who come down to see us when everyone else is at work/school/somewhere they're supposed to be.


19/09/05 - Hull/London - Scala Show for 'Safe As Fuck' album launch
Arrived in London around 10am. While the rest of the boys shelled out £15 for shit hotel toast and tea, we went round the corner for a massive £5 fry up. Fuckin safe. Got back to have a lie down on a hotel room floor. Once other cushions and spare pillows are utilized, it's not that bad. Then other boys started turning up and Bedsit Rules were firmly established - 'you move, you lose'. Various ploys and underhand tactics were employed to gain and regain possession of a chair, bed or space on the floor.

A few jazz fags and 'The Simpsons' later soon took the pain away. It was probably my all time favourite episode. Homer goes to a chilli-tasting event, samples Chief Wiggum's Guatamalan Insanity Peppers, starts tripping his tits off and meets a space coyote played by Johnny Cash. Fucking ace.

       

With the new album coming out today too, we knew the Scala show was going to be a bit special. As we were getting ready we suddenly heard 'Sister' being played by Zane Lowe on Radio 1. All the omens were there for a great night. The show went well with all the Forum faces in full attendance. Then we made it out to the after show where all sorts of carnage was taking place. In between sneaking back down to the dressing room to get more Strongbow, I witnessed the 'Charm School Girls' (complete with homemade school badges), more 24 carat clarts than a TK Maxx management meeting and an impromptu breakdancing competition the likes of which is only seen in Parisian ghettos. Life doesn't really get much better than this.


18/09/05 - Newport/Hull
Managed to nod off at about 6am. Departed the Port for Hull University for another Freshers' Ball. Watched 'Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines' on the way up and drank some Strongbow. I'd never seen it before and quite enjoyed it. It's not really as bad as everyone said it was. Plus it seemed to clear up a messy time-travel paradox that emerged as a result of the earlier Terminator films. I think so anyway, you never know it may have been down to the cider. Spent rest of the day wandering round muttering "don't fuck wizz me" to anyone who bothered listening.




17/09/05 - Newport
This'll be my last chance to give the website an overhaul before setting off on another maddening journey of self-discovery with the Chain Crew, so I'd better get on with it....RAVE IT THE FUCK UP!


16/09/05 - Newport
Been reading more of that 'Visionaries and Mystics' book. There's a chapter on 'Mystic Places' that talks about a place called Shambhala. I've heard of the legend before: Shambhala, the Floating Palace of Glittering Dreams, Shangri-La, an inaccessible city invisible to outsiders in the misty hills of Tibet. It's a familiar story about the importance of dreams, the longing for new beginnings and the promise of a better life for us all. Apparently there are a race of spiritually advanced beings that live in Shambhala and watch over us, guiding humanity towards higher states of consciousness. That would explain loads of things - how you manage to get home when blind drunk, the inexplicable sense of deja vu when watching soap operas and the way that mushrooms always tend to bow their heads to the East. I think I may be onto something....


15/09/05 - Newport
Had a sight test today. Good to know that despite life as a bachelor, my vision hasn't worsened.


14/09/05 - Newport
Arrived back at 10.30am. Slept till 4pm. At 5.30pm we had to go down to Newport's Black Belt Academy with our Sensei for the day, Everton Smith. Apparently it was something to do with the WRC Rally or something but we convinced them to take us to Ninja Academy and train us as lethal killing machines.

The session began with us reciting the training school mantra, ending with a primal scream and a punch in the air. Then we moved onto basic karate moves. Then had a go at punching and kicking the fuck out of each other whilst protected ourselves with kick shields. Then it was time to learn a ninja move that allowed you to paralyse your opponent with a combination of grips. Then out came the nunchaku and we all started swinging like monkeys at feeding time. Amazing. The final part of the lesson involved us demonstrating what we had learnt in front of the class. On his turn, Hattsy ran towards one of the foam dummies shouted "NO SHIT!" and threw himself into a horizontal flying tackle. That the 'No Shit Flying Hats Tackle' hadn't even been taught that day wasn't even mentioned. Truly, Hattsy is his own Master.


13/09/05 - Glasgow/Newport
With a day off in Glasgow with nothing to do till the show, Xain announced that he was going down to the Student Bar for a pub quiz. With nothing planned, me and Billy quickly agreed and made our way down. It was hilarious. We sat down at a random table and introduced ourselves whilst the Freshers sat round in open-mouthed amazement. Once the pitchers of Diesel arrived (local combination of lager, cider, vodka amd blackcurrant), the quiz began and we were flying. 'Team Bellend' apparently came joint 1st although we had to go to our soundcheck so missed the prizes on offer. Once the soundcheck was complete, we had a few more hours to kill so I went for a Gentleman's Nap. Always recommended after an afternoon's hard drinking.

The crowd were going mental before we went on. Don't know if it was the fact it was Freshers' Week or the fact that Scottish crowds love a good knees-up or the fact that Diesel was popular and freely available at the bar but this was going to be good. As it was, the show was fucking amazing, the crowd went crazy bollocks. We were encouraged to come out and have a look around the other bars before we left so duly did our duty. Had more drinks. Participated in celebrated drinking games. Met some lovely girls. Had more drinks. Fell into some lovely girls. Apologised and asked them if they knew how to get out. They then escorted me back to the bar. At this stage Thom the Tour Manager had been sent out to retrieve us and get us back on the bus. Good thing he did, I think I was about to enrol for a degree course on surfboard design.


12/09/05 - Newport/Glasgow
Off to Glasgow tonight for a Freshers' Ball tomorrow. Back on the bus. Then it's one week till the album's out and a big old show at the Scala, London. Wicked unt bad.


11/09/05 - Newport/London/Newport
Retrieved the car from Caerleon. Had to hook up with Billy Webb to get to London for Tim Lovejoy's Radio Show on Virgin FM. Newport being Newport, the train that we needed to catch turned up on the wrong side of the platform meaning that no one could get on or get off. As the train chugged away, a gang of Newport yoot congregated on the other side to take a look at the large number of people gathered on the platform in confusion, wondering where their train had gone. "Fuckin hell, there's loads of them there. Look at these dickheads" shouted one. "Oh love, oh love, I knows you, are you Sue? No? Are you Sandra?" shouted another. Now bored with the lack of interaction on the part of the would-be passengers on the platform, they started throwing things at them. Just in time, the train that had recently departed Newport chugged back in again in reverse but on the right platform. Now disinterested, the yoot disappeared as quickly as they had arrived. Radio show seemed to go very well. Not quite as entertaining as the story above but you can't make that kind of stuff up.


10/09/05 - Newport
Invited down to Caerleon Public Golf Course today for my mate Kev's Birthday Invitational. Drove down to find that we had to wait for a load of hired clubs to come back, so ditched the car and got started on the Strongbow at the clubhouse. I'd never played golf before but assumed that, like football, rugby and cricket before it, drinking would soon set me straight. Once the clubhouse was exhausted of Strongbow and there was still no sign of the clubs, we thought it was worth changing our original plan from 18 holes to 9. The kind lady refunded our money and assured us it wouldn't be long now. Soon enough, two sets of clubs appeared leaving us with enough to share amongst us. So we set off, into the sunshine and grey clouds, heads held high....

...and we got as far as Hole No. 5 before packing it in and getting back to the clubhouse. In the process of getting that far we were rained on (with no umbrellas or jackets), half-cut (the boys in front kept stashing beers in suitable bushes for us) and had to endure two highly-skilled 11 year olds playing through due to our quite incredible incompetence. Once done, we had a few more beers in Caerleon then headed off to Newport to the Bombay Bicycle Club for curry and cider. Things were starting to get busy in town and we were quite drunk enough so made our merry ways home.


09/09/05 - Swansea/Cardiff/Newport
This brings us to the whistle-stop tour of South Wales. Swansea at 12pm, Cardiff at 3pm. then Newport at 6pm. We insisted that everyone who attended signed our Welsh flag as we signed their stuff. It's only fair. I've got to try to work out a way of scanning the bugger in.

Concluded the day with an impromptu film club with my brother and his missus. Watched 'Anchorman', drank some ice-cool Coronas (with limes), then went to bed.


08/09/05 - London/Swansea
We got down to the Columbia at 10am where we disembarked and made ourselves comfortable. Adam had a lie down, I had a cup of tea and Mike Balls watched the cricket and had a jazz. We had to head over to Atlantic for a whole shitload of press stuff but they made us feel welcome and got a load of beer and cider in. I think I may have overindulged slightly as the afternoon wore on. Realistically, I could hardly stand to the delight of all present. Another mini show. This time they had some kind of giant video screen up behind us. I kept looking back to see the back of my own head on the screen. Then we had another signing session. Good to see 2-Fat and Plural Visors. Nice to see K* representin too. I may have had a few more drinks at this stage so was well and truly in the zone. My sincere apologies to anyone I ignored, scowled or (even worse) tried talking to. Rounded the day off with some lovely Thai food. Good quality satay with red-hot green curry chicken. Yowsah.


07/09/05 - Leeds/London
Not entirely sure when this happened. It could have been today or yesterday or tomorrow. Then again, you shouldn't let the timescale involved affect a good story. Anyway.....Adam was lying in his bunk reading when he heard a high-pitched screaming, "NOOOOO - NOOOOO - AGHHH NOOOOOO!". Leaning out of his bunk to see what was going on, he spotted Hattsy's leg twitching out of his bunk as a pre-cursor to him rolling out and onto the floor, a good 4 - 5 foot up. Adam lept into action by grabbing his leg and shoving him back into his bunk. When asked about this set of circumstances the next day, Hattsy was both bemused and amused but knew nothing about what had happened. Hattsy is the only one to rival me in the Quest for the accolade of Sleep Champion.

Had another show and signing at HMV Leeds. As opposed to another staff room, we were led to some sort of meeting room complete with executive swivel chairs, flip boards, motivational posters and tables assembled in a semi-cricle. Of course, after the obligatory badly drawn penises had been scribbled half way through the flip boards, we had to devise a new game. A hula hoop was discovered propped up in the corner. Thus, a new game was born. Three Chain members would stand with their backs to the player whilst the player attempted to get the hoop round one of the members by chucking it from across the room. The other two members were worth 250 points with Maggot standing at 500 due to his size and the difficulty with which it would be to 'hoop' him. This continued until we all started chucking stuff round and then had to go and do the show. It's a good way of maintaining morale these stupid games.


06/09/05 - South Shields/Newcastle/Leeds
Killer. Up at 7am. Me and Billy had to get up and do a breakfast show on Galaxy Radio in South Shields. A couple of cups of tea later and we were fine, fully awake and ready to take on the world. I tried to persuade listeners to ring Customer Careline numbers on the side of their favourite alcoholic beverages to see if they could suggest suitable cocktails or surefire ways of getting hammered.

Later that day, we were the honoured guests invited to open the new HMV store at South Shields. Even the official HMV dog came down. She was called 'Nipper' and seemed very nice. I stroked her head and she extended a paw for me to shake. We were handed a large pair of golden scissors to cut the ribbon. They didn't work, so instead Maggot lent over with a tiny pair of scissors to declare the store officially open. Brilliant. Most of the time, we don't have a clue what we're supposed to be doing.

With no time to spare we were off onto the other side of the river via a long and frightening tunnel to Newcastle. Another location, another HMV. It's amazing the amount of HMV staff rooms we've seen on our travels. We seemed to be performing in someone's conservatory bolted onto the side of HMV this time round. All who performed began suffering from a horrible Greenhouse Effect: As the sun poured in, the whole thing heated up and there we were wearing some of the best insulated leisurewear around. Sweatbox 2000.

Once we'd cleaned ourselves up, we had a proper Italian munch surrounded by some of the best looking waitresses around. Lovely. Back on the bus, the Eggs introduced the rest of us to the delights of 'The Mighty Boosh'. I'd heard of it but never seen it. Fucking quality, it's like drugs on DVD format.


05/09/05 - Glasgow/South Shields
Lovely Glasgow. Didn't have anything to do till 5pm but we were roused by some of the other animals on the travelling zoo. Chilled in a random travel lodge for a bit then went off to HMV for fun and games. The games included entertaining a not insubstantial crowd who'd gathered to see us perform a 5 song set. The fun involved meeting people and writing random obscenities on record covers. It's a lovely way of meeting new and exciting people. I'd recommend it.


04/09/05 - Newport/Glasgow
'Your Missus Is A Nutter' comes out on Monday so we're off on a whirlwind tour of the UK doing various press-related stuff as well as signings and mini-shows. As such, Sunday afternoon found me stocking up on such essentials as Strongbow, Ritz crackers, peanut butter (extra crunchy) and a loaf of fine white bread, specially designed for toasting or so the wrapper claims. It's all about simple pleasures in this game.

Watched something called 'Mythbusters' with Eggs after a delightful lasagne and chips. It was rubbish. I'm all for blowing stuff up and/or setting fire to things but if it doesn't explode or do what it was supposed to, it shouldn't be on telly. Simple. It shouldn't be a case of "well we tried and it just didn't work", keep trying till it does. Sundays are (and some would say always have been) slow days for televisual content. Give the people what they want and they'll be back begging for more.

Talking of myths, I picked up a secondhand book called 'Visionaries and Mystics' the other day in a series of books called 'The Unexplained'. It was £3.25. It's one of those books that wouldn't be out of place in a motorway service station bargain bin. I even found the receipt carefully placed where it was being used as a bookmark. Sure enough - it was purchased at Membury Services of the Welcome Break Group Ltd. Apparently Leonard was the one who was serving that day.


03/09/05 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
It was England versus Wales in the football today and we were invited up to the Millenium Stadium to put on some entertainment for the crowds. About 70,000 people saw us in the stadium so who knows how many saw us on Sky Sports or any of the terrestrial channels...? It was amazing. Truly amazing. Incidentally, it was also the first football match I've ever been to. To give you some idea of how the day progressed, we have some photographic evidence courtesy of one Mr. Chris Lopez and our lovely press lady Nienke.

     

The first picture shows us emerging from the players' tunnel onto the pitch. The second is us performing 'Guns' and 'Your Missus is a Nutter'. The third shows Mike Balls' reaction to England's first and only goal against Wales and the fourth deserves its own story. At half-time, we'd been asked to go onto the pitch to take penalties against an open goal from the half-way line. Each of the shots failed dismally. Mine was the worst. I spooned it into an incredible angle that set the England fans off. Then Billy took a huge run up and booted an enormous comedy football towards the goal. He started running after it, dribbling it down the pitch. He then took a shot with the monster ball just outside the box and ran after it again stopping it as it was about to roll into the goal. As he paused momentarily, we tried to figure out what Billy was up to. Lurching forward he headed the ball into the goalmouth as a mighty roar erupted from the Welsh fans. Billy Webb (or Sport Billy as he should be known) pulled his hooded tracksuit over his head in celebration and did a little dance. This sight will forever conjure up everything this day meant to me and so much more.


02/09/05 - Newport/London/Newport
Had to head down to London to get some press and promo stuff done. We stopped by our old stomping ground the Columbia Hotel for some interviews and photos. Then we had to head off to a secret location for a photoshoot with Elle magazine. Apparently Vics Beckham was making an appearance so security was tight. When I say 'security was tight' I mean there were lots of tough looking blokes who looked like they were ex-KGB. Still, we managed to get hammered again and helped ourselves to vodka and cranberry juice. I wrangled a proper professional beard and hair trim too. Well, it's about time. Can't be mistaken for the love child of Richard Branson and Catweazle all my life.


01/09/05 - Cardiff/Newport/Cardiff/Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Went to and from Cardiff to Newport 3 times today. Doubt the Punto would have taken so much punishment. Huw and Bethan from Radio 1 Wales weren't around for their Evening Session tonight so we took over instead. Drove back to Newport from Cardiff to pick Adam up. Then drove to Llandaff in Cardiff where we recorded some bits and bobs. Back to Newport for some tea. Then back to Cardiff to assist Xain and Eggs as they host the Evening Session. We were listening to it on the way up in the car and it sounded hilarious. You can listen to it again here. Just select 'Bethan and Huw: Radio 1' to launch the radio player. That Roy Noble interview's here too.


31/08/05 - Newport/Cardiff
Popped up to Cardiff to hook up with some of the Cardiff Crew today. Turns out one of them has picked up a Dreamcast and a load of games for £30 off Ebay. Not only that, some of them are mad Japanese imports with no instructions and he's even got a virtual fishing rod. Essentially, most of the night was spent quaffing Strongbow and discussing strategies for catching the biggest fish on Virtual Bass Fishing II. Fuckin mazin.


30/08/05 - Newport
Every now and then, you need a break from the World. Rest and Recuperation. Sanctuary. Peace and Quiet. Retreat from the Madness. A Safe Haven. Shut yourself away from the world for a bit. Perhaps that's why people went off to live in caves. Some people find solace in the company of others but detest being alone, finding it difficult to concentrate and to focus on things. Others hate the company of others and prefer to be by themselves. Me? I don't really mind either way. I like people and I like being by myself. There's always something to learn from any given situation. Keep looking till you find a reason....but for now, for today, I just need a bit of time to myself. Quiet alone time. Gives you time to reflect. Heal thyself.


29/08/05 - Newport
Word on the Street is that MVC stores all over the country are closing down and are shifting their stock at rock bottom prices. With this in mind, we had a hungover wander down to John Frost Square and found it was actually true. Spent around an hour here, sifting through the crap and found a number of quality DVD gems including: 'The Tomorrow People' (from the 70's), pilot episode of 'Knight Rider' and a double DVD of 'Ultimate A-Team'.

Had a 'Gentlemens Club' session in the afternoon. This is where you go to a faraway tavern and have a good old fashioned munch and drink. Then, refreshed and well rested, we retired to 'Film Club' - not just a means of showing films but old TV series or good documentaries that educate and entertain. Admittedly, the kinds of documentaries on offer may not always be of high-brow material but who needs that if it makes you laugh...? The episode of the A-Team (as chosen by Hattsy) tonight introduced us to BA's Mother who was as hard as her son. It made us laugh.


28/08/05 - Back in the Port
Back at 6.30am where we were kicked off the bus. Slept till 2pm then slunk around the den for a bit. Had a lie down for a while got up and then laid down again.

Had a call from Billy to say that he was having a barbecue and that if I was into cider and burnt meat I should come. Inevitably, I made my way over. It was like our own bit of paradise. When you entered Billy's abode, you were given a multicoloured garland to wear round your neck like in Hawaii. Billy was out in the back supervising the cooking procedures, I was trying to make vegetable kebabs on skewers, others were drinking and smoking in the back garden as the sun set over Newport.

Now it just so happened that Graham the Bear (who was sick over Joss Stone at Glasto) was having a bash down at the NCLA the same night. So, a few phone calls, burgers and beers later and we headed down to see what all the fuss was about. It was brilliant - like having a rave in a village hall. Carnage ensued and I found myself being woken up by my brother and his missus (again) on Adam Hussain's living room floor (again).


27/08/05 - Reading/Leeds Festival 2005
According to a reliable source, festivities ended at a suitable 5am last night. Again, a number of us (including your humble narrator) were in all sorts of self-induced trouble. Cue trying to find toilets, trying to find the dressing room, getting lost on the way back to the bus, finding it, feeling sick, getting lost on the way back to the dressing room, feeling worse and then having to go onstage. It's all about putting on a brave face and letting the adrenalin work its magic.

Popped out into the public domain to catch Black Rebel Motorcycle Club with Pumpkin from Port Talbot. Wanted to watch Lemon Jelly too but was in danger of passing out. Headed back to the bus and watched a random film with Eggs. Everyone was back at about midnight so we raised the anchor, spliced the mainbrace and set off on our way. All was well till someone less drunk than the rest of us decided to have a 2nd head count and figured out that Doctor Cum was nowhere to be seen. A phone call later and it appeared that Cummer was still back at the festival. The rest of us checked our phones to find between 3 - 8 missed calls from the Valleys Wonderboy. A half hour later, he was back on the bus and we made our weary ways back to the Port.


26/08/05 - Newport/Reading Festival 2005
Up early enough and seemed to be parked on a construction site. There were JCBs and forklift trucks flying round, people sawing wood and someone else doing welding. It was like the A-Team constructing something on a grand scale. Had a potter around to try and get my bearings but this also gives you the opportunity to have a look at the stage and stuff. No crowd there as of yet.

Tried to find the dressing rooms and failed. Wandered back to the bus where I met some people who'd looked after us last year. They pointed me back in the right direction. Backstage at festivals seem to be a constant case of walking, getting lost, asking for directions and walking again. It's not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes you come across secret knowledge and ways of getting from A to B not known to anyone else.

Once at the dressing room, you have another bearing to work from. This is like a temporary holding bay to keep you happy when you're not onstage or on the bus. From here, we wandered onstage for the show. Seemed to go well enough. Enough people were smiling and laughing which (as we know) is all I need to keep me happy. It might be different if we just had a few random arms in the air but when there's a forest of hands swaying in time to the music, you can't help but smile back.

Did the signing tent, a bit more press and interviews and then did the book reading. Seemed to go quite well. Think it should be on Radio 1 sometime in September. We ran into the Kasabian boys when back at the dressing room who invited us to check out the show that night. We willingly agreed and Chris from the band came back to the bus with me and Hattsy to watch 'Highlander'. We had a lovely time. Doctor Cum was back on barbecue patrol again so we popped over for some burnt meat products. Strongbow was flowing at this stage so things got a little bit hazy. We went off to find the Radio 1 tent to see Kasabian and were glad that we did, fuckin quality. Can't really remember much after that. Must have got back to the bus cos next thing we knew we were at Leeds....


25/08/05 - Newport/Reading
Before setting foot back on the bus, we decided it might be an idea to try and get a decent meal inside us. And so it was that half of the Chain descended into Newport at about 6pm to feast on Italian cuisine. Having had a truly lovely time, we took a diversion towards a supermarket to stock up on essentials such as beer, cider and wine and then headed back to the Mothership.

Once we were all settled and the bus started moving, the party vibe was cranked up...and we all went to bed. Conal the Manager's final words floated round the bus like Obi Wan Kenobi: "Big show tomorrow...early start...don't get fucked out of your heads". Bearing in mind what happened on 2nd day of V, we took his advice seriously and did the right thing.


24/08/05 - Newport
Came across an exercise book from the same class that I tried digging a hole in the wall of. Included is my own critical analysis on a picture that I can only assume was entitled 'A Carnival Day'. Check it out. Personally, I think I'm still quite proud of it really.

 
We set off to Reading tomorrow, so hold tight for another round of fun and drinking games....


23/08/05 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Back to Cardiff for more rehearsals for Reading and Leeds at the weekend. Picked up 'Highlander' on DVD for £5. It's one of my favourite ever films. The soundtrack, the swords, the cinematography, editing, Sean Connery and the fact that the plot doesn't make too much sense all make for a classic 80's movie. Spoke to the Boss who wants me to read an excerpt from one of my favourite books, 'Nineteen Eighty-Four' at Reading. Don't know what it's for but there's still a frightening amount that holds relevance today.


22/08/05 - Back in the Port
Let recovery session commence. Please. Got up, had a potter around but just felt like my brain was slipping out of my head so went back to bed again.


21/08/05 - V festival, Stafford/Newport
Second and last day of V. Turned out I did need the pass I lost the night before. Fuck. Everyone was in bits and pieces, looking like shit. We all seemed to have the same thousand yard stare. We'd been up till 5am, slept in late and had to be on the main stage again in an hour. At times like these, you've no time to worry about regretting the night before. You've got to shake yourself down, wake yourself up and prepare for a very personal psychological battle. Grin and fuckin bear it like. So, that's what we did....

It all seemed to go very well. The classics were wicked, the new stuff was storming and everyone came off stage looking much better. Good for blowing the cobwebs off this high energy dancing business. Didn't have that much press to do, just back down to the signing tent for more meeting of minds then back to the dressing room to drink in the cider and sunshine. During this time, we were entertained not only by a walking, talking, dancing, singing robot but by kangaroos bouncing round us and a Steve Urwin lookalike followed by two very real looking gorillas who rolled around and smashed up chairs and stuff. Brilliant.

 
We had the great honour of being invited back by SFA for 'Motherfokker' again in the night, so duly took them up on the offer. Once done, we bid them farewell and headed on our weary way back to the Port. V2005 had been a great success and a lot of fun.


20/08/05 - V festival, Chelmsford/Stafford
Everyone woke in fine spirits ready to tear shit up. Rosco looked like he was about to die at any given moment. As per usual, he couldn't recall anything from the night before. Today would be true crazy bollocks. Our only concern was that we'd be doing new tunes in front of a massive crowd on the main stage. If anything went wrong, we'd look pretty shit. Before we knew it, Vernon Kay bounced on stage and introduced us....that was it, straight in the zone. There was already a massive crowd to cheer us on that just kept getting bigger and bigger. 'Your Missus Is A Nutter' got a massive response. Then, it was done and we came off again. Went back to the dressing room, had a cold shower and sorted shit out. There was a bit of press to do, then we had to head down to the signing tent to see some lovely excitable people. After this, we headed back to the dressing room to see Doctor Cum in a red apron with Jet (the band, not the Gladiator) struggling to light a barbecue. A menu was pinned to the wall that read 'Cum Burgers, Cum Burgers (without cheese) and Cum Hot Dogs - All Free'. Fucking priceless.

The Super Furry Animals were somewhere nearby and kindly invited us to pop along to their show later on to do 'Motherfokker', an SFA-GLC crossover we did with them a while back. It's not often we get to be the guests at the shows of real life musicians. It's also nice to have some sort of purpose once your show's finished. The SFA show was brilliant. This time round they were wearing these crazy luminescent Matrix suits. The crowd roared when we stumbled on and we gave them another high energy performance before stumbling back off again a few minutes later, out of breath and thinking 'what the fuck have we just done..?'. Serious drinking carried on throughout the night along with the Furries and one Rhys Ifans who made an appearance. I lost my pass somewhere along the way back to the bus but I didn't care. There's no time for worries when you're as drunk as that.


19/08/05 - Pukkelpop festival, Belgium/Chelmsford
Belgium was pretty cool despite a distinct lack of draw anywhere. Well, what can you do...? Eat, drink and be merry. As a result, I enjoyed a huge bucket of mussels for my tea. The show went really well - judging by the amount of football shirts down there we had a large British contingent who even knew some of the words. Great quantities of wine were quaffed and then we stumbled back on the bus to be safely delivered to our next location.....

On the way, customs pulled us over and explained that we all needed to get off the bus. We all piled into the passport control centre, drunk and bleary-eyed, showed our passports and then waited for the others to do the same. One-by-one, we were shepherded along until some other customs officials explained that one of our party was refusing to leave his bunk. Who could it be...? We got back on the bus to find four fluorescent-jacketed customs officials surrounding the bunk of one Rosco P Coltrane. Apparently, having been asked to accompany the officials outside, he'd refused, flailed his arms, turned over and went back to sleep. After much coaxing and persuading him it was a good idea, a shaky Rosco stood up and fell over in the corridor as he attempted to pull his trainers on. So impressed were the customs officers by this level of intoxication that they sat him on the steps and asked him to present his driving license (as he couldn't find his passport). Happy with this, they got off the bus, Rosco went back to sleep and we set off to Chelmsford for the 1st day of V.....


18/08/05 - Newport/Belgium
Had to sell my clapped out car and pick up a new one today. It was quite emotional watching my potentially explosive deathtrap of a car being driven off for the last time. However, I felt better knowing that I'd be driving a car that had less chance of bursting into a big orange ball of flame beneath me.

Back on the bus tonight as we're setting off to do the Pukkelpop festival in Belgium. Good to be back on the road.


17/08/05 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Rehearsals went pretty well today. Just got to make sure that we're all as confident as each other for this weekend. It's not just a case of one person screaming obscenities down a mic (well, not always anyway). We've got to make sure that we're always conscious of what the other parts are doing. A bit like if an octopus had independently minded tentacles: the whole is greater than the sum of its parts but it's nice if the parts work together to that glorious end.


16/08/05 - Newport
Preparations have already started for the lead-up to V this weekend. Tomorrow we've got to rehearse all the new material that we're going to start unveiling at the festivals.


15/08/05 - Manchester/Newport
Woken to the sound of a Mancunian housekeeper kicking fuck out of the door and screaming, "CHECKOUT MIDDAY". Due to heroic amounts of hedonism the night previously, the trip back was a bit more subdued than the way up. At one point we started driving towards Anglesey. That's not a bad thing (in fact, it would have been quite nice) but it wasn't where we were going. We were returning back to Newport, whence we came, land of beds and plenty of lying down for a while.


14/08/05 - Newport/Manchester
Amazing. Slept for so long yesterday that my body clock readjusted itself and I didn't sleep till 5am. Then I woke up about 6 hours later and felt alright. With only the minimum amount of planning, me, Adam, Moore-O and Graham the Bear set off on our way to Manchester....

It was wicked to see Uncle Howard again. He's always given us a lot of support since the early days, along with the Super Furries et al. He was suitably impressed to see us (along with Maggot and Dipper Nan) and stated it was remarkable that everyone made it up in one piece. He'd obviously heard about Adam's celebrations on the Friday. Respect due, it was nice to be able to return the support he'd offered us in the past.

There was a good combination of sound people and nutters at the bash itself. When the balance is just right, it makes up for some good evening entertainment. This night was no exception. A load more mental snapshots in place of substantial memories to add to the album but that's the sign of a good night out if you ask me.


13/08/05 - Newport
Out of bed at 4.30pm. Horrible. Then OK. Then really bad again. Then decided to watch 'Predator' in bed and didn't move for several hours. Apparently it's Howard Marks' 60th birthday tomorrow too and we've been invited up to Manchester for the craic. If I'm feeling anything like I do at the moment, I won't be going anywhere.


12/08/05 - Newport
Got the shots done in the early afternoon and spent the rest of the day deciding what to do for Adam's birthday which is also today. I managed to get him one of those cakes that they print pictures on and his lovely head obscured the entire thing. I can remember everyone hooking up at his house, can remember getting into town, can remember thinking that I must look after Adam cos he was bound to get in a mess, then thinking that triple schapps at £1.50 was a pretty good deal, then falling over things, seeing people I hadn't seen for years, knocking things over, being noisy and then stacking it and ending up in Adam's bath. I can only recall the latter through photographic evidence. Apparently, I passed out on the floor like a cat and was woken by my brother and his missus escorting me home in a taxi. I got back at approximately 9:42am.


11/08/05 - Newport
Looks like we still need to get even more shots for the album and accompanying promo, so we'll need to head off again tomorrow. It's a complicated business this album creation malarkey, you know.


10/08/05 - Newport
It's a sad state of affairs when songs that meant a lot to you from back in the day are exploited and reforged into completely unsuitable adverts. To illustrate: take 'The Power' by Snap. For me this represented a time in my past that always made me smile. An anthem that conjured up a thousand mental polaroids. I accepted it when it was used on Sky Sports. I think it may have been used by one of those crazy old fucks on Top Gear to highlight the fact he was driving a beast of a motor too. However, now Pampers have hammered the final nail in the coffin by using this song to sell nappies. The idea is that the kids develop some form of independence with these amazing pants. The selling point is that parents don't have to do as much, it's a form of labour saving device. The reality is that advertising people have now successfully hijacked a piece of my past and are selling it as part of a product for toddlers to shit on.


09/08/05 - Newport
Had a well deserved lie in today.


08/08/05 - Newport
Needed to do some more shots for the album today so we were back out and about tramping round places in full leish in the sunshine. Sunshine's the essential element. It seems to reflect off brightly coloured clothes to make people glow like in the old Ready Brek adverts. Once this was complete, Maggot set off on his way home. It's nice to see someone else completing their Welsh Rehab session.


07/08/05 - Newport
Welsh Rehab is now drawing to a close but it would appear the patient (Maggot) is in the early stages of a cold and appears rather irritable. Luckily, the irritation seems directed mostly at other people we drive past in the car so we have no need to fear for our lives. Not just yet anyway.


06/08/05 - Newport
The Welsh Rehab sessions continue. Get in nice.


05/08/05 - Newport
Last minute album tweaking was needed today so I had to drop off a huge 70's style keyboard down Xain's. When things like this happened for the last album, we were nearing the end of the project so I'm hoping this is one of the same signs. Mind you, everything could change right at the last minute. The unpredictable nature of this game is one thing you can try to prepare for but never get used to.


04/08/05 - Newport
Went down to the Celtic Manor today for photoshoots, interviews and various other fun and games. It's a huge crazy place that reminds me of Colditz. Maggot decided to stop down at Chez Mysty for a spot of Welsh Rehab. This is when living the high life gets a bit too much, so we slow things right down and appreciate simple things like peace and tranquility. Of course, lying in bed for long periods of time is also actively encouraged as this is scientifically proven to reduce stress levels. Well, put it this way - you're not actually conscious to worry about stuff and the stuff that stresses you out can't get to you when you're asleep so it works for everyone. See? Simple street logic. I'll explain my theories concerning humans hibernating some other time.


03/08/05 - Newport
As 'Eastenders' faces a scriptwriting crisis and 'Coronation Street' has to resort to screening boxing matches to win viewers over, 'Neighbours' is well on the up. I don't make a habit of watching soaps - nothing seems to happen, or if it does, it's over and done with or takes fucking ages to materialise. Imagine my surprise when watching the exploits of the Ramsay Street residents today: Not only did we have ladyboys giving some birds tips on dealing with men, we had Susan Kennedy with a bloke in an illegal gambling den and Lou Carpenter dressed as a wizard hosting a Dungeons & Dragons session. Fucking amazing! That's what afternoon telly should be about. After 'Bouncer's Dream' and 'Lou & Jim Do Mushrooms On A Camping Trip', I'd say it may be one of my favourite episodes ever.

One other thing that only seems to have been introduced recently is the inclusion of episode titles. What do you need episode titles on 'Neighbours' for..? What's the point..? Is it supposed to make it easier when referring back to specific episodes..?


02/08/05 - Newport
Decided to make the most of today by getting up and going surfing. I'd packed everything up and driven down to the beach before I realised I was dreaming and still in bed. Would have been nice though. Maybe tomorrow.


01/08/05 - Newport
Apparently you're supposed to learn something new every day. I remember hearing that when I was much younger and decided to put it to the test by ignoring everything that I was taught at primary school one day. As a result, shortly after the start of my experiment I was moved onto a table by myself behind a revolving book stand. This blocked my view of both the teacher and the rest of the class, so I set to work on another project. Armed with a pen and a compass, I was either burrowing a hole out of the classroom to freedom or digging through the wall till I got to the foundations in an attempt to make the whole thing collapse. I hadn't decided which plan was best yet.

The classroom itself wasn't actually part of the school building, it was a weird box-like thing on legs behind the school itself. Consequently, the whole structure was pretty wonky so the plan of causing a structure of this sort to cave in by dislodging the foundations wasn't actually that far-fetched. Towards the end of the day, I began pulling more plaster out of the walls and got down to a metal girder. For me, this represented almost complete success. A little while longer and school would be finished for good. The initial excitement this caused soon turned to panic at what the teacher would find were she to look behind the bookcase. In 'The Great Escape', they had a team of men working towards a common goal, an exercise yard with which to discard soil from the tunnel and a motorbike to jump over fences with. I had myself, a pen, a compass, some discarded plaster and a not insignificant hole in the wall that stretched as far as the building foundations...

Do or die. Now or never. I either pushed on and pulled the building down on us all or walked up to the Teacher's desk and gave myself up, leaving my honour intact. While I debated these issues, time marched on and it was time to go home. I still hadn't made my mind up, so I pulled a load of books out of the revolving book stand and concealed the hole with a stack of literary classics like 'Dick & Dora' and 'Peter & Jane'. On the way home, I thought about what I'd done and decided that through attempting not to learn, I'd learnt everything that I'd ever need to know.

In addition, the hole remained undiscovered until the last day of term when the classroom was being tidied up. I explained to the rest of my classmates that I had created the hole but none of them believed me.


31/07/05 - Newport
The world is a beautifully simple place made complicated and ugly by the people who inhabit it. Why is it that people are more willing to accept deep-cutting sarcasm than sincere compliments nowadays...? I seem to get into more trouble complimenting people and them thinking I'm being ultra rude than me delivering the ultimate sarcastic comment and getting away with it.

Perhaps people are just too used to their own and other people's sarcasm nowadays. I'm a great fan of cheap sarcasm but I also enjoy making other people feel good if they deserve it. I've heard of a back-handed compliment but complimentary sarcasm sounds a bit much. To get the two mixed up to such a point that they now seem inextricably entwined is plain madness.

Example A
Person 1: My, what a wonderful morning. It feels good to be alive. And you my dear! How radiant, how beautiful your countenance....
Person 2: Fuck off you sarcastic piece of shit.

Example B
Person 2: What do you think of my new jacket...?
Person 1: That's shit hot. I think you're the coolest motherfucker that ever did live. You must have stolen that from fucking Harrods or something. It's amazing.
Person 2: Thank you very much. I value both your friendship and honest opinion.


30/07/05 - Newport/Cardiff/Newport
Busy shooting the album cover today. At one point there was a convoy of four cars driving through town with everyone in full leisurewear following the person in front (apart from the person at the front of course, otherwise we'd just be driving round in circles). Technically, this should be it - the album's finished. Realistically, we're still unsure about a few things so it may take a little while longer....


29/07/05 - Newport
Hattsy invited us round for a game of Cluedo today. It always seems that the idea of playing board games is more appealing than the reality. Take the 80's classic 'Mousetrap', for example. The fun was just in putting the trap together and setting it off as opposed to actually playing the game. As a consequence, we had a jazz, watched 'Marathon Man' on DVD, then watched 'Westworld' on TV and went home. Lovely film club.


28/07/05 - Newport
Did a TV Cops style drive-by reconnaissance today to find locations for the album cover photo shoot. Ideally, we're just trying to find an industrial landscape with an interesting background of which there are plenty in this old Port. Saying that, we'd probably settle for round the back of Maccy Dees, just as long as we could have a nice time.


27/07/05 - Newport
It was Billy's missus' birthday today so we all made plans to descend on her abode in the early evening. Not even the heavy rain could diminish the war spirit of Billy Webb in an apron operating the barbecue outside and providing everyone with bits of cooked meat to enjoy.

Later we headed down to the newly renamed 'John Peel Memorial Bar' of the Legendary TJ's of Newport. Haven't been down there in ages but it was nice to be back. Everyone who goes out in Newport has got a story to tell about TJ's. Most of them involve alcoholic and/or drug-induced excess, sexy times and the involvement of local law-keeping authorities.


26/07/05 - Newport/Bristol/Newport
Had to head down to Bristol today for an important band meeting. Then we popped down to see the lovely people at Hyperlaunch to do some internet science. We were sat in a room and told to discuss various aspects of touring, creating the new album and so on. In reality, we had a jazz, drank some cider and told each other stories about being on the road. It's lovely to relive some of the more life-defining moments of being in a band like this. I won't recall them here, hopefully they'll be around for all and sundry to appreciate soon.


25/07/05 - Back in the Port
And so we return to the glorious 'Gateway City', back in the Port. Sleep, beautiful, wondrous, energy-restoring sleep.


24/07/05 - Carhaix festival, France
Today we found ourselves in Brittany, France's answer to Cornwall at another crazy European festival called Carhaix. They had all sorts of weird world music on all day. We were on at 8pm so once again had a bit of time to wander about and see what kind of trouble we could get ourselves into.

It's funny doing foreign shows. You don't know whether they're going to understand it or not so try to communicate in other universal languages namely: jumping up and down, encouraging people to wave their hands around and prompting people to make lots of noise. It actually seems to work quite well. After the show, it was time for some food, plenty of wine then back to the bus. We made sure that we stocked up (well, nicked) loads of wine for the return journey home and settled in for the trip back. One thing I will say about our continental cousins is their skill and enthusiasm for making wine that gets you shitted but still allows you to carry on as normal the next day. Wine available in the UK just seems to make people disagreeable and violent with the added disadvantage of forcing you to crawl round on all fours for the first two hours after waking up the next day. Perhaps it shouldn't be mixed with cider. Incidentally, wine mixed with cider is referred to as 'swine' or 'wider'. Don't be fooled by the sweet refreshing taste. A litre of swine can fell a rhino with a head cold.


23/07/05 - Switzerland/France
We rolled out of bed just after midday and had a late breakfast that consisted of cornflakes, coffee and croissants. Half way through, a buoyant Billy Webb made an appearance. He had no idea how he got back though it may have been with the assistance of two amiable Swiss farmers and a tractor with a trailer. One of the many things I admire about Billy is his ability to make friends when he's wreckhead central.

Now that the Chain was reunited, it was time to leave this wonderful country. On the way we travelled through tunnels that had been drilled through the middle of mountains. From an elevated position at the back of the bus, you could get a lovely view of the valleys and lakes laid out below. We had a long way to go so when we'd had enough of the nice views, we just watched DVDs and got horribly drunk. Nice.


22/07/05 - Paleo Festival, Switzerland
Imagine being magically transported to a beautiful faraway land. So was I introduced to Switzerland, a seemingly dream-induced country. Perhaps it's cos I'd only just woken up. The bus had stopped outside the hotel we'd be staying at but it was the amazing views that first caught my attention. We were fairly high up so we could make out all of the majestic mountains and sweeping valleys displayed before our very eyes. Reminded me of Heidi. Then I thought of Belle and Sebastian (the cartoon not the band - and on reflection, I think that was the Pyrenees anyway).

The show was scheduled for 6pm so we went for something to eat and a lie down. When watching BBC News 24, we were reminded of everything that we'd left behind in London yesterday. It all seemed so far away.

The drive from the hotel to the festival site allowed us a closer look at the houses. They're fucking amazing, like a combination of traditional and modern styles or as I prefered to refer to them, like a 70's European dream house. The place itself seemed very clean, no litter or soiled mattresses lying around. Even the air itself seemed cleaner and clearer. When we arrived at Paleo, it wasn't like a normal festival set up. Everything was extremely well organised but very laid back. You don't normally get that at any of the festivals we've been to: they're either really well organised but everyone's uptight about security or nothing works properly and things break down cos everyone's out of their heads. Nice to have a happy medium for a change.

The show seemed to go really well, lots of cheering and smiling faces. More and more people arrived at the tent we were playing and stayed to the end so that was nice. Inevitably, carnage ensued shortly after we finished. Loads of drinks were flying about and we made hasty plans to go to see a band called Rammstein. We'd heard of their legendary live shows and missed them when they played in Cardiff, so now would be ideal. Two words: fucking mental. Flaming bows and arrows, pyrotechnic percussion and fire gauntlets. Fuck knows how they manage to do a show like that indoors.


After the Rammersteiners, we made our intoxicated way back to the dressing room. By this stage, everyone was flying. According to the Billy Webb School of Drinking, there's no need to hold one drink when you can quite happily carry two in each hand which he did for the rest of the night. Maggot in true rock'n'roll style decided to let a fire extinguisher off and then we were herded onto a minibus to return to the hotel. At some stage before leaving the site, it was dicovered that Billy was no longer with us. After a half hour of Alan the tour manager searching, we were forced to take off without him. Even the guilt of leaving one of our number behind couldn't keep us from sleeping once we got back.


21/07/05 - London/France/Switzerland
The plan was to get on the bus and set off across Europe at 6pm today so that gave us a bit of time to have a wander round London. We went for a fry-up at an Aussie bar on the edge of Shepherd's Bush nearest the roundabout with the Thames Water Tower (still don't really understad what that structure's about - perhaps it's a bit like the 'Steel Wave' in Newport). We were waiting for our food when the music went off and the barmaid turned up the volume on the television - another bomb alert. This time it was a lot closed than we could have imagined.

We got outside and sirens were piercing the air with police choppers overhead. Teams of police motorbikes sped towards the scene. All other traffic gradually ground to a halt. Walking round on foot seemed to be the fastest (and safest) option. One minute I'm wondering if they're ever going to film Mad Max IV, the next I'm walking away from a potential bombsite.

After having a look round High Street Kensington, we made our way back to the hotel. The bus was having trouble finding us due to all the streets round Shepherd's Bush being closed. I'd assumed that something like this might happen so cracked out the emergency Strongbow that had been so carefully packed in my bags just a few hours before.

Before we knew it, we were on the bus flying through the night. Once we got on board the ferry, we located a cafe selling fry-ups at 12.15am then found a bar selling bottles of cheap white wine. The crossing itself wasn't that rough but I can recall seeing members of the Chain stumbling from one side of the boat to the other like on episodes of original Star Trek when they get attacked by alien forces. There was some half-formed plan about a monster piss up to take us across Europe but that all went to pieces when everyone just went to bed instead. Probably for the best really.


20/07/05 - London
For a video shoot, you can always guarantee an early start and a late finish. Today was no exception. In an inconspicuous warehouse on an anonymous industrial estate, "Your Missus Is A Nutter" slowly but surely took form. Zombies, coppers, green screens, special effects, flamboyant outfits and Weird Science were all blended together to create a unique multimedia experience. Can't wait for the finished product.


19/07/05 - Newport/London
Exciting stuff: Off to London today so we're near a studio to start shooting the new video tomorrow. That should take a whole day, then we're back on the tourbus to begin travelling across Europe on Thursday, to arrive in Switzerland to do a show on Friday. We travel back to France on the Saturday to do a show on Sunday and should return home early Monday morning. That's the plan anyway, but if Norway was anything to go by, things are bound to change. I keep thinking of 'The Italian Job' when they're driving that bus through the mountains...."Hang on lads, I've got an idea".


18/07/05 - Cardiff/Newport
I was never that bothered about having a shit phone. It was rubbish when people sent you picture messages that you couldn't get without going online but it was never that much of an issue. Then it started doing things by itself like that massive supercomputer in Superman III, like it'd become self-aware or developed some kind of advanced artificial intelligence. Then it'd only charge when it felt like it or when the charger cable was laid out in a specific way that I always forgot. Last night, in trying to ascertain the 'magic pattern' to allow my mobile to charge, one of the contacts on the charger snapped off and I almost snapped myself.

Today I am fully 2K compliant with a phone with disco lights on and a camera and loads of other completely unessential but good fun stuff. No doubt it too will become aware of its own existence in time and start insulting people or sending out pictures of me in the nude but for now, it's fine.


17/07/05 - Back in the Port/Cardiff
It's great hooking up with people you haven't seen in ages. Today gave me a chance to accomplish just that. We went down to a place called Southerndown, just outside Cardiff. It's a beach with a medieval-style walled garden to one side, a so-called nudist beach on the other and loads of nutters in between. We had a game of football in the garden, went and had a look for some nudists, failed and so we climbed some cliffs trying to find our way back again. I kept hearing the theme tune to 'Casualty' in my head.


16/07/05 - Rise festival, London/Newport
Today began as many others do with some hunting food and others trying to locate toilet relief. It can all get a bit primal. You start to understand the most basic urges of man. When it was established that the food provided wasn't really for us (quiche, loads of green things, unidentified sloppy foodstuffs) and we weren't allowed in the toilets ("Invited guests of Mr. Livingstone only, please"), we decided to go further afield.

Me and Hattsy had a walk round the venue where the festival was set up and set off in search of sustenance. We had a nice wander round in the blazing sun and then found a Chinese takeaway open. With two portions of curry sauce and chips disposed of, we pottered back, grabbed a couple of ice creams and had a look at the festival. Hats was fascinated by the provision of a mobile food van that sold nothing but Tikka Masala. Looking round, everyone was having a great time together.

A few hours later, we were gathered together behind the main stage ready to go on. The anthemic 'Fanfare for the Common Man' began to instill it's common or garden euphoria....and then we charged on stage to a rather unimpressed and subdued crowd. Yet, amongst all of the booing and jeering, there were people jumping up and down, hands in the air, chains of pride together despite a lack of like-minded people. As they showed their dedication, so we presented ours ducking and diving bottles and insults as we did so.

If London wasn't willing to welcome us to their celebrations, at least we can rely wholeheartedly on the Chain Warriors around the world to keep the fires burning. Perhaps we should have a party and invite London down...? RSVP...and Bring Your Own Bottle.


15/07/05 - Newport/Student Ball, Leicester Uni
Today hails the welcome return of the lovely tourbus to take us to Leicester. It goes by many names: The Mothership....Clubhouse on Wheels....SpacePod....Sanctuary. The most beneficial part of the tourbus for me will always be the bunks. These beautiful places of lying down can be used at any point during the day or night to recharge batteries and put minds at rest.

I can remember wandering down the bus aisle at about 6am and being serenaded by a chorus of different people snoring. Then me and Maggot popped down to the front part of the bus (aka the 'Crisis Zone' aka 'Bellend Subsection') above the cabin to watch the world wake up. Apparently I was pointing and laughing at aeroplanes hanging in the sky.


14/07/05 - Newport
Up at the 'respectable time' of 9am today. Had to head off to the legendary Barry Island Pleasure Beach for a T4 thing. Haven't been to Barry for years. I can remember the excitement of walking through loads of video game arcades with loud crackling noises, beeps, unexpected theme tunes, flashing lights, sirens going off, alarms ringing out as people punched the penny-pusher machines and all that shit....I can recall playing Double Dragon for 10p. and trying to work out if I could stay in the complex that night if I hid behind some machines.

Sadly, it looks as though the Log Flume and the rest of the original park have now been closed down, though it's still standing. I think someone died on the Pirate Ship and someone lost an arm on the Log Flume....though it may have been the other way round. The beach was looking a lot nicer than I remembered. Xain picked up a children's King Arthur set for me to wear from Hyper Value. None of it fitted which is why I looked even more amazing. Can't really remember too much about the whole affair due to the heat although T4's Steve Jones kept looking out for us, bless 'im. Look out for it - it was called 'T4 Tour Across Wales - Live from Barry' or something. Got stopped on the way home at a police checkpoint where we were ordered to write each of our names on a load of paper. Then the coppers lightened up a bit and explained that they just wanted something signed. One of them even had a small red book with pink pages that said 'Autographs' on the front. Mazin.

Off to Leicester for a rave tomorrow then to London for the Rise festival on Saturday afternoon. Should be on about 5pm-ish. Woop-woop!


13/07/05 - Newport
With temperatures soaring to....um....almost tropical standards, I've been observing a noticeable shift in human behaviour. Despite people nodding at each other in the street and mumbling things like "lovely this" and "oooh, just like Barcelona", for people in cars it seems to be just the opposite. It's quite literally like driving in Hell. I suppose it's just cos I've been without transport for the last few days but I've seen a lot more frustrated people driving around.

Eggsy reminded me of a tune by 'Pop Will Eat Itself' called '92 F (The Third Degree)' where the degrees Fahrenheit refers to the temperature at which most homicides take place. Apparently, any lower than this and people aren't as agitated. Any higher and they don't have the energy to kill. You have been warned.

I don't mind waiting for things. I've got plenty of things to do while waiting for stuff to happen. Daydream. Whistle a song I've just made up. Perhaps just look at an inanimate object and zone out for a bit. That's why I can't understand people who get really pissed off waiting for stuff and then insist on rushing round all the time. I've tried thinking about this for some time now. Is it down to the fact that everyone's only got a limited amount of time on this planet that we're really trying to squeeze as much time out of our lives like lime in a frosty bottle of Corona...? Do a few seconds gained make up for a lifetime's rudeness...? Is there really any point to any of it...? Once again, I can only raise questions. It's up to each and every one of us to figure it out for ourselves. Or perhaps we just don't have the time.


12/07/05 - Newport
Back in my days as an 'Internet Helpline Technician', I'd often make up words, terms and various conditions to both entertain myself and go some way to explaining to the person on the other end of the phone why things weren't working properly. Many were the hours I'd try to stifle a hearty laugh when blaming rats running down telephone lines for slow dial-up connections or covert military manoeuvres for stalling mail servers. It never struck me that there might be others out there who use such devious tactics in casual conversation.

After speaking to the garage, I was told that the car couldn't be fixed properly although they had managed to stop the leak.....for now. There was the usual talk of fuel lines, filters, lack of parts and money I'm likely to spend. Then there was a complete switch to technical discussion as to what each damaged part was for, whether I would ever consider taking the car off-road and if it had struck me what a good idea it would be to set up an account with the garage in question as it was likely I'd be back.

Mind you, at least the petrol leak's gone. Back on the road!


11/07/05 - Newport
Good news. Managed to find a garage within walking distance that can sort the car out tomorrow. Probably for the best. At least that'll limit the possibility of potential 'Flaming Hot Rod Puntos' of Newport. Of course, stuff like this goes in threes so it's only natural that the fanbelt's going crazy bollocks and the rear view mirror's dropped off.


10/07/05 - Newport
Weird smell of petrol emanating from my car today. Had a closer look at the underbelly and lo and behold, it's spunking petrol all over the place like a crazy tomcat on heat. I've already had visions of someone flicking a jazz out of the windows and us speeding off down the road with flames spewing out of the sides.


09/07/05 - Newport
Had a call from Hattsy to say that he had a veritable mountain of Strongbow left over from last weekend, would I pop over and help him demolish it. I'd promised to sort out his new pc too so at least I could help him out while I was there. The longer it takes, the drunker I get, the more of a challenge I.T. becomes.

I was flying by the stage that Billy invited me into town for a few more drinks so I was already putting my jacket on by the time we'd agreed. Adam Hussain was helping out Graham the Bear (the bloke who was sick in front of Joss Stone at Glasto) DJing in the Pen & Wig so that's where we continued our inebriation session. While the Bassment is under refurbishment, the clientele, DJ and bar and security staff have all been relocated upstairs in the Pen & Wig. It's amazing. It reminds me of the kind of area rented out for wedding receptions or a works leaving do.

The night continued punctuated only by Graham and Adam (Wreckhead Bros.) screaming and ordering people to 'rave it up ya bastards'. Beautiful. It's amazing when people do.


08/07/05 - Back in the Port
Very strange dreams all night. More physical sensations than dreams, like rolling down a tunnel, end over end. Felt similar to going down a water slide for the very first time and not knowing what's going on.


07/07/05 - Sweden/London/Newport
So it was 6am when we woke up, about 4 hours after going to sleep. It's a pity we couldn't have an impromptu day trip round Stockholm but even our most avid globetrotters were pining for home. I can remember watching footage from the riots at the G8 summit before we left. As a policeman in riot gear approached a Sky reporter with baton held high, the reporter dropped to the ground and started screaming "Press! Press!" and the copper wandered off. I can remember thinking whether that would work for anyone else.

We got into Heathrow and the papers were full of the Olympics Bid. Couldn't understand why people were so excited about it really. When we got outside we heard about a bomb attack or major disturbance or something in Central London. Then the radio came on and that was when we started understanding the impact this had actually had.

Horrific events like this have the inevitable effect of forcing you to look at your life from a different perspective. You start understanding what really matters when you may not have noticed before. Priorities are reshuffled, loved ones seem very far away and panic sets in when you realize who might still be in the affected areas.

We'd been on a funny old journey round Scandinavia for no apparent reason but we'd had a laugh even if we hadn't accomplished what we'd set out to achieve. Now, we had the blessed relief of going home. At least we were going home. At least we were alive.


06/07/05 - Newport/London/Denmark/Sweden(?!)
Well, what a thoroughly fucking pointless exercise that was. The plan seemed simple enough and ran as follows: Fly from Heathrow to Denmark then catch a connection up to Norway where we'd do a show at 1am. There weren't any direct flights so we'd have to make a couple of trips. Bit of a crazy one but nothing we hadn't done before.

Everything was cool up until we got onto the aircraft when we were made aware that there may be a few delays. Still, nothing to worry about, it wasn't affecting everyone. Then we found out that it was down to President Bush flying into Denmark. No-one was allowed to arrive or depart for several hours to keep airspace clear. Again, no need to worry too much. Sure, no way it'll affect us. After all, it's his birthday too. Perhaps he should be allowed to do what he likes....if just for a day. Then we were advised that the chances are this is going to have a knock-on effect on anyone flying out of Denmark (that'd be us then).

So.....we'd missed our connection, had no way of getting to Norway, had no way of getting back home and nowhere to stay. Luckily, after a frantic discussion with Alan the Tour Manager (aka The Man Who Can), we were advised by the airline that we could fly to Stockholm in Sweden where we'd have rooms at a hotel and vouchers to get some munch at a 24 hour cafe at the airport, just for fun. We'd still miss the show but at least we'd be able to get back to the UK earlier than 8pm the next day. So, that's what we did.


05/07/05 - Newport
Off to Norway tomorrow so today's mostly been about trying to find my passport, repairing the zips on my oversized luggage and trying to find clean pants. No serious. As ever, I'll let you know of our adventures upon my return....till then....


04/07/05 - Newport
Hopefully, today should have seen the last of the work on the second album. Saying that, it's probably only the beginning. Even though all the tunes are done, there's always loads of other shit to sort out. Album art, graphics, fonts, layout, printing and so on. Even stuff like sorting out what order the songs appear on the album seems to take an eternity. Mind you, at least some kind of thought's going into it.


03/07/05 - Newport
The celebrations experienced last night concluded at about 6am today. After the party vibe, we found ourselves in town, then we were wandering the streets and finally found ourselves at Chateau Blanco (aka Adam Hussain's Abode/Love Palace/Sanctuary). I seem to recall carnage on a scale not witnessed since Roman times. That's why I woke up today at 4.50pm.

For the next few hours, I experimented with various styles of lying down whilst watching 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind' which I hadn't seen since the mid-eighties. A successful position involved turning myself round on the bed, resting feet on pillows and then rearranging the duvet for ultimate upper body comfort. If you have the time, facilities and inclination, I'd certainly recommend trying it out. It's all about getting in nice sometimes, you know.


02/07/05 - Cardiff/Newport
*ROSCO P INJURY UPDATE*
Headed back Portwise for surprise birthday celebrations. Amongst the number of Chain members assembled was one Rosco P who gave us all an update on what occured once he got back from Glasto. Apparently he headed straight down A&E once he got back to Newport on Monday. They took one look at his wound, advised him it was infected and that he needed to head to Swansea for emergency surgery. He arrived in Swansea the next day to be put under local anaesthetic and was wheeled into an operating theatre. Rosco had never had an operation before so was more than a little concerned. However, according to medical staff upon regaining consciousness he lifted his arms up and screamed, "I want to do it again", thinking that he was on a ride at Blackpool Pleasure Beach (see 04/05/05). He's had stitches put in, painkillers prescribed and reckons that should be the end of it. However, we all know that the mental scars of a traumatised wreck-up session can take much longer to heal than the physical. That's why I'm launching an appeal on his behalf for you lovely people who read these Musings to send in your wishes of good will. It won't take you long - just send us a quick message here with the subject title "Rosco P Wrecked Arm Appeal". It's all in a good cause. Thank you.


01/07/05 - Newport/Cardiff
Had to get out of the house again today so popped into Cardiff to see some chums. Witnessed an amazing episode of South Park where they all got transformed into manga-style characters and one of them gets a ninja star in the eye. Probably the best episode I've ever seen. They even had a theme tune called "Let's Fighting Love"....check it out here (even with an English translation too).

Japanese   English




30/06/05 - Newport/Monmouth
Today saw me at a photoshoot complete with robes, flaming torches, standing stones and 7 others in fully flammable leisurewear. I won't say any more so as not to spoil the surprise but keep a look out for the Observer Music Monthly. Feeling a bit better. Must be all the country air. If you ever feel lethargic and fucked (to use a technical term) get yourself out in the open. Here endeth the lesson for today.


29/06/05 - Newport
Still no better. Feel like shit. Keep sneezing but don't have hayfever. Don't feel like talking to anyone. Need to stay away from people or I may lash out. Talk of a photoshoot tomorrow, hope I'm better by then. Early night needed I reckon.


28/06/05 - Back in the Port
Woke up with a throat so sore I could hardly speak, legs stiff from jumping, standing and severe sunburn, nose running and eyes bloodshot to fuck. Something's not right and sadly no amount of sleep's helping.


27/06/05 - Glastonbury Festival 2005/Newport
So, it's time to return to normality (if that's what you call it). Aching with sunburn, I checked my legs to find two symmetrical pus-drenched ridges worn into both sides of my legs where my boots had torn off several layers of skin. With last night's fun and games, I couldn't have noticed. I wasn't feeling too right either, perhaps it's festival fever, perhaps it's the raw sewage sbundant in such an environament as this. Either way, I'm lethargic, worn out, devoid of energy and generally fucked. Time to head our weary way home.


26/06/05 - Glastonbury Festival 2005
For some reason Sunday's when it all goes mental at Glasto. The market stalls hit a timeframe where they sell everything off half-price. Food stalls start doing special meal deals like Wetherspoon's Curry Club in a field. People rush round trying to find each other before the last of the festival acts. Other people decide to go out with a bang and ram anything they can find into their pretty little heads. We'll come to first-hand evidence of this in just a moment.....

Waking up to fairground noises and 5 songs playing simultaneously was cool but not helping my mental or physical disrepair from the previous evening. Obviously, I'd overdone it somewhere along the line. With a £6 fried breakfast and a cup of tea inside me, I was soon back on my feet and decided to launch another cider investigation. The sun was beating down now so we decided to have a potter around. The Dance stages seemed to show the friendliest faces and the most activity so that was where we made our second home, if just for today. Hard house tents, trance tents, mentalist tents, bongo tents, welly tents, tent tents....the list goes on. Stayed at one tent to watch Brian Transeau (BT) spin his specialised brand of uplifting house. Mazin. Decided to head back to the tent to grab some more beers. Cue Summertime madness.....

We're collecting our shit together and my brother's missus shouts that a bloke's stacked it on the guyropes round the side of the tent. We have a look and sure enough, there's a dude lying face down in the mud with his legs still up in the ropes. We try to pick him up but we can't see much and it's too dark to help him properly. Imagine our surprise when the lamp comes on and we come face to face with someone who looks like an extra from Apocalypse Now. He's covered head to toe in mud, eyes rolling wildly, a gibbering wreck of a man. Soon his eyes start to focus and he starts looking a bit more familiar....the one, the only Rosco P Coltrane. "Rosco, look at me son....is that you?" I asked him. "No" he replied with a complete lack of intention or irony. We sat him down and tried to clean him up a bit but he started going mental claiming someone had shat in the tent. After calming him down and scraping some mud off, we realised that Rosco was actually missing part of the flesh on his upper right arm. Amazingly, he didn't have a clue. Scooping up a lamp and a Rosco, we headed off to the nearest tent we could find for medical assistance. Rosco's arm started aching so some lovely security staff organised for me to accompany Rosco in an ambulance up to the medical tent. Turns out he'd lost too much of his arm to get stitiches so they cleaned him up, bandaged his arm and sent him on his way with antibiotics. Oh, how we laughed.

It doesn't end there though. We'd been back at the tent for about 45 minutes when another call went up. A lad had been asking directions to get back to the Dance tent, wandered off in the wrong direction, fell down a river bank and was splashing about in the water when he was found. According to Billy Webb he was lying down in the water and when asked about his condition answered quite truthfully, "I'm really fucking frightened". Billy took his hand and helped him out of his predicament and I dutifully provided the light once again as we made our way over to the same tent I'd taken Rosco to to get the lad dried down and reclothed.

Like I said, it's all about the Summertime madness.


25/06/05 - Bristol/Glastonbury Festival 2005


And then we were there. I couldn't really believe it, I was just wandering round in a daze. Things were happening quickly. We got there at about 11.30am and the 1st show was on the Pyramid Stage at 1.45pm. Not a lot of time to get our bearings so we headed over to the dressing rooms and tried to get ourselves sorted.

We weren't nervous, just excited and wanting to get the show moving. Classic festival show: Can't remember a lot apart from warming up, climbing the long steep stairs to the Stage, looking out and thinking....sheeeeeit, there's loads of 'em. I'll try to get some photos up here, you can see what I'm on about. Then as soon as we were on, we were gone. The quickest 45 minutes of my life.

After leaving the stage, we were approached by a young Joss Stone who said that we'd been lovely. Graham the Bear responded by involuntarily ejecting cider and bile from his body. We were finished for now but not for the day. We still had an hour set to complete in one of the Dance tents at 8pm. Cue a few photos, words being said, questions being asked, obscene answers being given. Had a few drinks and tried to find the now increasingly mythical GLC marquee tent. After a good few wanders about carrying stuff around and getting more and more agitated, we located it and set up camp. Had a few more ciders and sat outside in the now blazing sun.

Quite hammered now and had to make our way over to the Dance tents. Fuck knows where we were going, we were just heading in a general direction like most people. We managed to head down to our other dressing room which turned out to be another massive tent. Same thing happened again, can't really remember a lot about the show due to adrenalin, alcohol and jazz but it seemed to go down alright. There were loads of smiling faces anyway so that usually indicates a good show. Hands in the air, high energy dance workout and plenty of screams and cheering. Bit like a circus but without any cruelty to animals.

Howard Marks, his son and his bodyguard Bernie popped down to have a jazz and say hello. Lovely to see them. Uncle Howard said that he liked the new material but loved to hear some of the old favourites that we threw in too. There's nice. Somehow, I made it back to the tent to have a couple more ciders and then a lie down. Darkness descended around me like a velvet blanket. I only woke a couple of times that night when old skool junglist basslines roused me from my slumber.


24/06/05 - Newport/Student Ball, Oxford Uni/Bristol
Just a quick update before we head off: The storms arrived, thunder and lightning oooh, very frightening. Glasto's been transformed into a lake/mudpit as predicted. Apparently one of the beer tents was hit by lightning and an eyewitness who spent 5 hours sat in a tent likened the whole event to Baghdad. Well, I can't fucking wait. See you on the flip side of this weekend for updates on how it all went.....


Well....today was a well posh affair. We didn't realize it was the actual Oxford Uni, we thought it was a college or polytechnic or something. Imagine our surprise when we pulled up outside a building that looked like something out of Cluedo. complete with bemused students, staff and various other well dressed types. Not as well dressed as us mind you, but in the epic battle of Tuxedo versus Leisurewear, there can be only one brightly coloured victor.

They set us up to stay in some rooms that I assume the students would normally use. It was a weird old building like a lighthouse with rooms all the way to the top. Portland Bill aside, it was strange to see loads of old buildings with ivy on the outside and obvious new bits within. Anyway, enough of my pseudo-architectural rambling.....you'll be pleased to hear that we had a good old fashioned Circle of Death in the yards outside. Leon SFDB managed to boot the ball onto the roof 5 times, scrambling up walls and windows to retrieve it each and every time he did.

Considering the academics assembled, it was slightly unnerving for me to make our way to the stage. However, students being students, we soon found that we were right at home and tearing things up like Nature intended. I still liken it to being a member of Ghostbusters. You get a call, put your uniform on, jump into the Ectomobile and perform your duties to the best of your ability. An honest profession indeed.

Once done, it was back to the futuristic lighthouse rooms to do a Viking raid and grab as much of the good shit as we could possibly carry. These were the only foodstuffs we'd probably find to keep us alive at Glasto this weekend, so we grabbed the lot. Once the booty and boys were aboard, we drove off down to Bristol for a last good night's sleep to prepare for the next few days ahead.


23/06/05 - Newport
Preparations are now at hand to try to cope with the inevitable carnage of Glastonbury weekend. We're on the Pyramid stage and the Dance stage on Saturday. There's talk of storms and high and low pressure so it looks like Mudfest '83 is heading our way. I'll have to get down to the Famous Army Stores in Cardiff tomorrow to stock up on wellies and waterproof stuff. Hopefully we should get Sunday and Monday off to have a wander round and witness the mud and the madness.


22/06/05 - Newport
Back in the community workshop today to work on some more new stuff. Shit's sounding good. We all did some choruses and backup vocals while Xain worked the science. I'm glad someone knows what's going on. We normally leave that kind of stuff to the grown-ups.


21/06/05 - Newport
Had one of those proper strange encounters today. Walking down the street and an oldish bloke with a hardhat walked past and said something like "Good ol' boy, you'll be home soon" in an Irish accent. Couldn't figure out if he was talking to me or not but carried along on my way. Then driving off, I saw him again and we made eye contact as I was speeding up. I'm sure I recognised him but no idea from where or how we were connected. Not really knowing what to do, I smiled and he lifted his hand in a weird waving gesture and left it there. It reminded me of this scene from 'The Day the Earth Stood Still'.


Perhaps he just thought I was someone else. Or does everything actually happen for a reason...?


20/06/05 - Back in the Port
Tumbled out of bed at 11.30am, 13 hours of natural unconsciousness have taken their toll, dying of thirst, dehydrated to fuck, thought I was on a submarine.

Once recovered, popped over to Xain's for afternoon workshop. We listened to some of the tapes from the studio sessions....mazin. Won't reveal too much but I'll say this - people say the funniest things when they don't realize they're being recorded. Perhaps it's because it's so natural, maybe it's cos all mental defences are lowered, I don't know.

We were getting hungry later on so dialled up a pizza. On the way down to pick it up, stopped off at the Spar to get some essentials. Classic Newport Summertime - loads of razz kids assembled outside. One was on a silver bike twice the size of him, another was sat on a step smoking a fag and two girls were hugging each other slumped up against a car that obviously didn't belong to them. Another two lads were walking up from the shop when the taller one turned to the other and without any warning slapped his mate across the face. When asked the meaning of his actions, Tall Lad replied, "there was a spider on your face". His friend's reply was truly a revelation, "that's three spiders I've had on my face today".


19/06/05 - Bristol/T4 On the Beach, Western-Super-Mare/Newport
What a lovely day. I don't know why but I wasn't really expecting to enjoy it as much as I did. I suppose it's always the same with big televised events, there just seem to be too many people with worried faces and headphones and clipboards scuttling round looking busy. I don't like that. With the heat and the tents and people walking round, it was like being on the film set of 'Laurence of Arabia'....nah, I suppose 'Life of Brian' would be a better comparison. We had a few words with Steve Jones from T4, good lad that he is. He enjoys the Chain vibe. We got there about midday and weren't on till 5pm. Oh and there were lots of bars with no Strongbow (boooo) but loads of complimentary cocktails (yaaaay) so I kept myself busy. We also met 2-Fat and family from the forum, Jimmy and Co from the Doves, Suggs from Madness and TV's own June Brown (Dot Cotton) from Eastenders. We managed to blag some Ben Sherman footballs too cos we keep losing, bursting or giving ours away.

So showtime came and we had a proper full house: Full GLC crew along with Rosco P, MC Flatpress, Leeroy Fashions, Leon SFDB and Tomothy (Humurak D Gritty's DJ). Turned out there were 80,000 people on the beach that day. Hope they enjoyed it as much as we did. Got home again, can't remember a lot, think I went to bed at about 10.30pm due to heat, energy spent and cocktails consumed.


18/06/05 - Newport/Student Ball, Gloucestershire Uni @ Cheltenham Racecourse
Went from Newport to Western-Super-Mare to do a soundcheck for T4 on the Beach tomorrow. Then from WSM to Bristol to pick up MC Flatpress. Then from Bristol to Cheltenham Racecourse for the gig. Then from Cheltenham back to Bristol for the night.

In between all of this, we found an arena of concrete combat outside where urban gladiators gathered to kick a plastic football at each other as hard as they could.....until it burst on an air conditioning unit. On that note, I decided to have a wander around accompanied by 2-Hats and Rosco. We found a nice patch of grass to have a sit down and appreciate the serenity of the surrounding countryside. That is, until two bored security staff came over to disturb us. They asked us to move off the grass we were currently residing on as that was 'for horses'. Fair enough. So they moved us to another identical patch of grass less than 2 metres away. They went on to ask us what we were doing and when they received the answer 'just chilling', they responded with the statement 'we don't want any trouble'. I had a feeling that crossed wires may well have been the least of our problems here. However, the two explained that due to the high level of security put on by the uni, they had nothing to do and were merely going round pretending to be important. They pointed out a few other things 'for horses' that had escaped our notice, advised us about the costs incurred if they got broken and then Hattsy interrupted the man with an excited look upon his face. He pointed skyward and told us about the hot air balloon hanging majestically over our heads. "You ain't seen shit mate" said one of the security men with a straight face, "you get down here early enough you can watch them take off from the bottom fields". Amazing. I love meeting new and exciting people.


17/06/05 - Newport
More crazy shit ahead this weekend, so preparations have already begun. It's a similar life to being a pirate about to leave his Port. Stock up on grog, ensure pirate clothes are sufficiently seaworthy, polish the eyeglass and pump up the parrot.


16/06/05 - Back in the Port
Bit of a lazy day today. Put it this way, the highlight of my day was managing to tip over a cupboard that had a load of 'important documents' on (mostly back issues of Viz and pretentious notes on the nature of reality) and found some photos I'd been after for ages, a five pound note and a pair of shades I thought I'd broken, lost or given to someone. As they say in jazz clubs around the world, 'nice'.


15/06/05 - Student Ball, Warwick Uni
More fun and games to be had today. Another country house, another shit load of tents, another load of inebriated students. Amazing. Managed to hook up with the Zutons for a chat and a 'Circle of Death' (not a reference to a fearless trick performed by Evel Knievel, just our overly dramatic name for keep-ups).

We had to entertain a Sky One crew who were filming us for a documentary on the 'History of Cannabis'. I think it's safe to say that we couldn't really educate them on the history too well, so we gave them some information relating to 'relaxation techniques', 'the 70's vibe' and brief descriptions on what it's like to take the full force of a double indemnity. Knows it.

The show went really well, good cockney style knees up with a crowd unafraid to get battered for good reasons. The Zutons were fucking amazing. Glad we managed to stay for their set. Lovely people too.

Here's a nice observation made that I'd like to share. It's a combination of themes relating to both 'adult males sharing confined spaces' and 'competitive sports'. I've noticed that wherever we are, games are invented to keep ourselves occupied and to reaffirm the natural hierarchy within the group. As seen above, we already have 'Circle of Death' often enjoyed by band members with a suitable 'co-ordination enhancer' but then we never invented that, just the name. Games we *have* invented include the ever-popular 'Punchies' where random band members punch other random band members normally in a lift or other restrictive environment. Games commence with a single cry of 'punchies' and this intensive quick fighting session will often last anything up to 30 seconds before everyone gets tired or the lift doors open and a loud, multicoloured, many-fisted monster falls out into the hotel lobby. A natural variation to this is 'Breadies' where baguettes are used to twat Rosco P over the head with. In an impressive show of his grasp with modern phone technology, Mike Balls will often film the entire episode on his mobile from his holding of a soitary French stick to the battle cry of 'breadies' all the way through to the solid beating of bread matter upon Rosco's beautifully-sculpted neanderthalic head. I'll try to keep you updated with more of the games played out over the Summer. I'm sure you'll agree, it makes for interesting reading.


14/06/05 - Back in the Port
Felt relatively good today, bearing in mind the hellish weekend we've just had to endure. Kept my promise to the German bird and sent some CDs off. There were some weird German characters on the address that she'd written that I just tried to copy as best I could. Fuck knows where those tunes are going to end up.

When the Chain first started growing further and further afield, we'd hear amazing stories of people hearing safe beats in weird places. Beach bars in Thailand. Australian barbie parties. Someone even mentioned hearing us on a Polish travel show. I still like the idea of people exchanging 'you knows its' and 'safe as fucks' in countries I've never even heard of.


13/06/05 - Berlin/Bristol/Newport
Woke up all over the place, didn't really have much of a clue as to what was going on and took me ages to get readjusted. Packed our bags, apologised about the bathroom wall again (said I'd send the lovely receptionist some CD's to keep us out of trouble) and set off to the airport.

This time we flew directly back to Bristol so we didn't have much driving to do. Don't think I've ever been so happy to see the rolling hills and sweeping valleys of South Wales from across the Severn Bridge. Got in nice when I got back which involved a bit of food and lots of lying down. I know I go on about sleeping and lying down a lot, don't get me wrong, I'm not obsessed, it's just something that everyone has to do so I don't see why we shouldn't enjoy it. More importantly, we should make sleeping an artform. Let's get really good at it.


12/06/05 - Stanstead/Berlin
And so the 'The Testing' began anew....we'd had 3 hours sleep, got out of the hotel at 5.30am. Flight at 7am. then touched down in Germany at 11am (Germanic time). Drove from the airport to the hotel which took another few hours. As soon as I walked into the hotel, I slammed the bathroom door and part of the tiled wall dropped off onto the floor. I then had to find someone to explain this to. It's never bloody easy.

Managed to grab some more scraps of sleep for a few hours but had to wake up at 3pm to drive another hour to get to the Berlinova festival on the outskirts of Berlin on a deserted airfield. Very strange setup indeed. The thing about only getting small amounts of sleep and then waking up again during the same day is that dreams become a lot easier to remember. It must be because you're in the middle of solid state dreaming when you have to wake up again or something. Hattsy had sexy dreams about a bird from 'Desperate Housewives'. Maggot said he dreamt about trying to get into a helicopter but being accidentally decapitated. As for me, I dreamt that we'd done a bank job and kidnapped all the coppers in the city to stop them giving us grief. Then I got nicked, woke up and explained all of this to Billy who was lounging on the bed next to mine. He nodded his understanding, took a sip of his exotic cocktail and then disappeared before my very eyes. I then woke up properly to find myself in a room alone. It would appear that sleep deprivation and the braintwisting effects thereof are now becoming an effective part of 'The Testing'.

Got back from the festival very tired and went straight to bed for a 12 hour lie down. Can't recall any other dreams so that would seem to support the theory above.


11/06/05 - Bristol/Isle of Wight/Stanstead
Had to travel a fair old distance today and had a lot to do, so we tried to prepare ourselves as best we could. Got down to the ferry terminal at Portsmouth from the Bristol Travelodge that we found ourselves in last night and started feeling very wonky. Even worse when I got on the ferry itself.

Got onto the Isle of Wight festival site, did some promotional bits and bobs, then headed off into the midst of the mayhem. Me and Rosco decided the best place to kickstart the party mood would have to be the Strongbow Rooms (well, it's there for a reason). While there, we managed to hook up with some of the legendary Pompey Crew, Port Talbot's finest: Pumpkin and Co. as well as a surprise guest appearance from the Forum's own Skunkchild and warmbread. They didn't seem that surprised to find us there. I love those Strongbow dispenser backpaks that they've got too, they're like the proton packs in Ghostbusters (erm, the Strongbow people not Skunkchild and warmbread. Fuck it, if they had some. I'd be willing to try them out too).

With all the fun and games we were having in the Strongbow Rooms (I'd liken it to Walhalla), we almost forgot what we were there for. It was only when Rosco mentioned that we were on stage soon that we entertained the notion of heading back. Fired up and ready to go, I like to think that we gave one of the best shows of our lives. Perhaps it was the Bow. There should be some photos right about here.

When all was done, we had to head off to Stanstead next stop to fly out to Berlin the next day. Unaccustomed to long journeys with no toilets on board, the boys were hitting the beers hard with no means of disposing of waste liquids. To this end, Hattsy had to improvise crouched at the back of the scumbus with an empty Evian bottle. He states that the success of his experiment was down to 'correct alignment'.

It was only when we got into the hotel room and stuck the telly on that we realised we were watching highlights from the Isle of Wight from the same day. After that, we went to bed. We had to, we were up again in 3 hours....


10/06/05 - Newport/Swansea/Bristol
With minibuses assembled, the Crew set forth Westward bound to Swansea on a voyage of tyranny. Word on the street is that Swansea University's Transgender Society demanded a vote to kick us off the bill for the Summer ball 'cos of politically incorrect content in some of our songs. Don't know which ones those are. Apparently they saw a record student attendance at the meeting called and the vast majority voted to keep us. Well done them.

A surprise special guest awaited us at Swansea, the one, the only living radio legend that is Roy Noble from Radio 1 Wales. He even got his leisurewear, caps and gold on to greet us. We had a beer or two and told each other dirty jokes and stories then did an interview and tried to get sorted for the ball. Lovely lad Roy. He reckons the interview should air in August/September time.


Can't really remember a lot about the show itself. It's weird, everything seems to happen at once, you need to be on point for anything to happen at that given moment. As such, I don't think my mind remembers to record very much to the memory, it's a bit too busy with other stuff: make legs work, scream obscenities now, move round the stage a bit, careful of crashing into other members, avoid stacking it on monitor speakers, etc. It seemed to go really well though - as ever, good enthusiastic crowd with many a happy beaming face. Incidentally, they all went fucking mental when 'Your Mother's Got A Penis' came on.


09/06/05 - Newport
We're off again tomorrow, this time to Swansea for a uni ball, then off to the Isle of Wight festival (like 8 lesisure-wearing ghosts of Hendrix without guitars) and then to Berlin for the Berlinova festival.

Should be amazing. I've already had reports that there's a massive 'Port and Welsh contingent down the Wightian Isle already, so it should be good party time. I remember seeing old film stock from one of the Isle of Wight festivals with people with beards, beads and hair all off their heads and wandering round with mattresses and blankets strapped to them. Much like Glastonbury today then really....

Can't wait for the crazy Summertime vibe. You can't seem to gauge it nor anticipate it fully - it seems to creep up on you, then all at once everyone subconsciously declares it 'Summertime now' and opens themselves up to the full sunshine, outdoors and barbecue party vibe. I'm going to try to spend more time outside this Summer. I've had visions of me in a hammock with a laptop and a Strongbow-based cocktail. Or just some Strongbow with ice in like they serve Bulmers in Ireland. That's a proper fucking Summertime vibe. See y'all in a few days with more stories from the Chain front. Rave up!


08/06/05 - Newport
We've not got a lot of time at home, so we need to make the most of it while we can. A spontaneous community workshop was called for yesterday to work on some new choons and I managed to get my hands on this lovely holiday snap while I was there, check out me and my leatherclad chums in Chicago....


I'll have to see if I can get any other entertaining photos of us on our travels too. In the meantime, I'm measuring myself up for a leather waistcoat (no shirt) like our American cousins. They are the coolest, by far.


07/06/05 - Newport
Decided to take drastic action yesterday, so stayed up all night. Advantages include: Being conscious to appreciate beautiful Summer mornings where the world outside is illuminated with a curious golden glow, much like viewing the land through a glass of Strongbow. A rather surreal tinge to the day, much like on a comedown or confused hangover. Random feelings of elation for no reason. Second wave of energy after about 24 hours of being awake. Disadvantages include: A complete inability to operate heavy machinery or deal with people. Random bouts of complete confusion and short term memory loss. Feeling fatigued and having to drive (definitely not recommended). Not being able to speak properly and mumbling like a crazy man.

Still, despite all this, managed to get into town for a lovely sunny day. Looks like everybody else in Newport decided to do the same. Went to Adam's for a drink off and can recall passing out at about 10pm. Taxi back, I think. Not really sure. Conclusion: A painful process fraught with many hidden dangers. Still, quite successful in forcing the time zone transition. Safe.


06/06/05 - Newport
When I woke up at 6pm, I felt a sense of confusion coupled with unease and a growing concern as to why I'd missed most of the day. Perhaps it's down to the inevitable shifting of the seasons, maybe it's something to do with the planets and stars and galatic influence, then again I suppose I'm still fucked from the travelling and can't seem to do anything about it. Note to self: Must make conscious effort to get back into suitable sleep pattern with rest of society according to Greenwich Mean Time.


05/06/05 - Newport
Happy to say that the sleep research is now more or less complete. Been having more pressing research issues on my mind now. Here's one that I was thinking about: 'Laughter - A Universal Language...?'. Does everyone laugh...? Is it a bodily reaction like a sneeze or a yawn or do we learn about it from our environment...? Are there small untouched tribes of moody bastards in the Amazon who never laugh...? Perhaps there are societies out there where laughing is considered to be an insult...? Or does everyone have to laugh...? Do you die if you live without laughing or is it just a boring existence...? Fuck knows but I'll certainly give it a bit more thought.


04/06/05 - Newport
Still doing research into how sleep is good for you. Subject: Me. Apparatus: Subject, bed, duvet and pillow (essential, according to previous research). Duration: Varies wildly. Analysis: Fucking safe. Evaluation: Good for the mind, body and soul.


04/06/05 - Back in the Port
Back at 10am. No fucking idea what's happened to my sleep patterns now. I either sleep for a good 13 - 14 hours or have a lighter 2 - 3 hours. Sleep is what this shit's all about.


03/06/05 - Student Ball, Leeds Uni
Arrived at what looked like a miniature Glastonbury. Classic outdoors student ball set up with tents, golf buggies, portacabins and chemical toilets. Met a dude called Dave and his mate lovely Alex from a band called Crew 82, a load of beatboxers based in Leeds. Wanted to see them but turned out we'd be gone by the time they were on. Hopefully, they'll send us some stuff over. Maggot claimed that if M-People were here, they'd be driven everywhere by the golf buggies. He backed this up with the conclusion, "they'd have to or they'd get muddy bongos".


02/06/05 - Student Ball, Liverpool Uni
As a result of last night's 'Research into Sleep Deprivation', I took it upon myself to sleep till 5pm. Awoke feeling refreshed and slightly groggy at the same time. Can't really remember much else. Perhaps my head wasn't screwed on properly.


01/06/05 - London/Newport/Liverpool
The tourbus arrived at Heathrow to pick us up about 7am. Slept till 1pm. when we got back to the Port. Did some washing then slept till about 7 or 8pm. Back on the bus at 11pm. Watched 'Napoleon Dynamite' again and 'Conan the Destroyer' that I picked up from a petrol station for a fiver. Headed to bed at about 6am but suffered the dreaded 'No Pillow Panic'. This can be experienced when you're round someone's house and have to sleep in a living room. Cue lots of wandering round trying to experiment with various other objects (sofa cushions, towels, rolled up coats, etc.) in order to make an improvised headrest. I could normally grab a pillow from one of the spare bunks but the bus was full so had to make do with a duvet and a dead arm to rest my weary head upon. Didn't really work as well as I'd expected.


31/05/05 - New York City/London
Photoshoot for Maxim magazine today. I thought I was bad but when Adam arrived with Maggot (late 'cos they'd only been in bed for 2 - 3 hours) he fell out of the taxi. He didn't know where he was or what he was doing and kept falling into people and then threatening to kill them.

We caught a clanky old lift up to a massive studio thing. The idea was to do a shoot on the roof after we were kitted out with US leisurewear. Adma passed out on a sofa which was probably for the best. When we got up there, the tarmac was melting under our feet causing the trainers to stick to the roof. When Adam turned up, he was dressed entirely in white with a red pimp hat complete with feathers in the top. We were encouraged to spray paint Adam Hussain who, surprisingly enough, found the whole episode quite amusing but can't really remember a lot about it.

After this additional comedy, it was time to head back to Blighty. Plans to sleep on the plane were shot out of the water when I found myself sitting between Adam and Eggsy determined to get wrecked. So we became 'DICS' - a society dedicated to 'Drinking In Confined Spaces'. At the end of the journey we were rather large DICS. We were entertained on our journey by some lovely cabin crew ladies and a bloke who hailed from Monmouth but knew Newport. Safe.


30/05/05 - Chicago/Bowery Ballroom, New York City
This is where 'The Testing' starts. 'The Testing' is a process we're convinced is carried out by higher forces to see how we respond to severe amounts of emotional and physical pressure and see at which point we break. Breakages can occur in a myriad of forms: Common or garden 'lashing out' at each other or other random people. Screaming, hysterical laughter and/or a combination of the two. Lying down in the middle of nowhere just for a moment's solace.

Travel. Stress. Uniforms. Anger. Passport. Worry. Strangers. Airport. ARRRRRRRGH.

Finally got to the hotel, checked in and dropped the bags off. No time for rest, off to the venue for the soundcheck. In our distracted rushing around, it turns out we left Adam behind at the hotel. And there was me thinking I was King of All the Stressheads - check out what happened to Adam.....

Oh, hello Adam yer. Right, all those bastards fucked off and left me alone but it was alright 'cos I had my sunglasses on and my leish and I'm razz as fuck and I knew where I was going. So I gets into one of these yellow taxicabs and I'm like "Alright mate, do you know Arthur Quarter..? No, just joking, off to the Bowserys Ballsrooms please". I was still pissed off that no-one had waited for me but it's OK 'cos I knows where I'm going and I'm on the way, innit. Right, I gets there and I'm like "Look mate, I've got no cash on me but I know someone who has" but the fucker locked the doors and wouldn't let me out. So, I'm getting more and more fucked off with all of this right and I'm phoning and phoning and no-one's there and I don't know if they've got reception and I'm thinking this bloke's going to fucking drive me round a corner and fucking chop me up....come on, come on...then I gets through to Alan Tour Manager and he comes over to sort me out like. Then I got into the dressing room, punched a wall, called them all cunts and carried on shouting. Then I had a jazz and felt quite fine....

After all that, you'll be happy to note that the show went well, half of us went off on a wreck-up mission, the other half went back to chill and there was no more stress....until the next day.....


29/05/05 - The Abbey, Chicago
Had a lovely time wandering round Chicago. Found a place for lunch and settled in with a few beers like. As Maggot would say, "Well, you've got to haven't you".

Popped down to the venue for soundcheck. Fucking miles away. Turned out it was an Irish pub that offered traditional Irish food. I enjoyed a burger with curry fries reminiscent of the curry sauce served in the Slow Boat at the Handpost back home. Back to the hotel for a good lie down. Woken up by Maggot parading round the room declaring 'party time' officially open.

Another enjoyable show with amazing support bands again. At one stage we had 8 stage invaders dancing to 'Your Missus is a Nutter'. Felt the pain after this show so made my excuses and 'got in nice'. Ended up watching 'Her Alibi' with Tom Selleck. Great shit film.


28/05/05 - San Francisco/Chicago
Regained consciousness at about 9am just in time for the first half of 'Crocodile Dundee'. God bless American reruns.

Headed out to airport for a 4 hour flight but we pass through 2 time zones so it's actually 6 hours. Or something. What happens to all of these hours that I've lost through my travelling...? Are they lost forever...? Do I ever get this time back as some form of rebate at the end of the year...? Perhaps you get vouchers or something.

Chicago seems to have a very 'flamboyant' airport. Picture flashing rainbow lights on the escalators and what appeared to be an instrumental version of the Village People's 'YMCA' pumping out of the public address system. Appropriately enough, as soon as we arrived at the hotel there were loads of Rob Halford lookalikes in leather waistcoats, peaked caps and leather boots and caps all over the place. Turned out there was a 'Leatherman Convention' on all week. Not entirely sure what that entails but at least we're not the only ones getting funny looks round town.


27/05/05 - San Francisco
Up at midday today and rightly so. Felt proper wonky today. Despite being a day off, we still had interview duties and stuff to be getting on with. Half-way through the first interview Adam and myself decided it would be better if we retired to our separate chalets in order to recuperate. The entire conversation was composed mainly of grunts, pointing and pained facial expressions.

Later, Adam, Bally and Billy travelled to what was supposed to be the only Welsh pub in the States. They even had Strongbow on tap too. Even this promise of golden goodness couldn't encourage me to interact with those outside.

My evening was spent with Maggot in what we referred to as 'The Gentleman's Club'. This mostly involved getting wrecked watching American 'leisure channels'. Pursuits such as fishing and wild turkey hunting were the most entertaining. Here's a good one: a prize turkey worth shooting is known as a 'big gobbler'. Another term we learnt out here no less entertaining is 'clit diddler', although sadly this wasn't demonstrated on the leisure channels.

Passed out at about 4.30am after watching the last half of 'Crocodile Dundee'.


26/05/05 - Los Angeles/The Independent, San Francisco
As suspected, up at 7.30am. It was a killer but I had a feeling that the adrenalin from last night was still lingering in my bloodstream so I soon caught up. We had to do a download special for Napster (should be available in the UK soon too) and played basketball in a court they had set up outside in the back yard. Never realised how seriously leisuretime is taken over here.

Flew over to San Francisco. We checked into a crazy hotel called 'The Phoenix'. In the style of Peter Kay's finest, it was a cross between the chalets in Hi-De-Hi and a safehouse you'd expect to go back to after completing a bank raid. Found a Thai restaurant in the middle of nowhere doing a $20 buffet special. It turned out that the Thai waiter was a Liverpool supporter and had much to discuss with Billy and Hats so we got him on the guest list.

Had a jazz and a lie down, can't really remember much else apart from 'Last of the Summer Wine' being on and then when I woke up it was 'The Cosby Show' and the bloke from 'Desmond's' was on debating why cricket was better than baseball. Bizarre.

The show went really well. Cliff, the drummer from the Flaming Lips popped down to see us and made us feel right at home. Good support band too. Ran into 'Ghoulina' from the GLC Forum who'd exchanged a few mails with us before. It's nice to see how people react to the live show after listening to the music. Sometimes it's like they've just been transported to a strange and wonderful land from which they never wished to return. Other times it's like they've just witnessed a horrific car accident.


25/05/05 - The Troubadour, Los Angeles
Heavy schedule today so we made sure we slept in till midday. Me, Eggy and Maggot set off to see our old mate Steve Jones from the Sex Pistols on his popular radio show. Maggot was even tempted to entertain thousands of listeners to his rendition of Roger Whittaker's classic 'Durham Town' with his beautiful singing voice and gentle strumming of an acoustic guitar. A truly touching moment.

The rest of the boys were down in a bar at this stage watching Liverpool in the FA Cup. Victorious in their exciting football-watching exploits, they returned to the hotel to by met by us for a photoshoot on the roof. Once this was done, we set off to a TV studio in preparation for 'The Jimmy Kimmel Show'. This seemed to involved us all getting mashed in a trailer in a car park so it wasn't all hard graft. After laughing at the TV for a bit and enjoying some of the local 'suds' we pottered into the TV show not entirely sure of what was going on. The stage was done up in flashing neon lights, metal fencing and the flashing lights off TV cop cars. We still weren't entirely sure what we were supposed to be doing but a crowd of cheering gentlefolk had gathered and we were loath to disappoint so it was on with the high energy dancing. Think the show's going to be broadcast sometime next week.

After this was done, we had to head back to the hotel to get ready for the show at the Troubadour. Got back, got changed, rammed some Doritos in my head, charged downstaris and set off for the venue. Poor old Mikey B had been suffering in silence with violent stomach pains ever since the TV show and had to dash off for a few songs only to receive a well deserved hero's welcome from the crowd when he returned. Apart from this, the show went really well and there was a great enthusiastic turnout. As ever, there were Newport connections to be made and we met one dude from Monmouth who had family down the Port way. He also mentioned his brother playing with some of the boys from a band called Novocaine which I seem to remember from my TJ's days. It's now 2.10am and I've got to be up at 7.30am for a Napster download promotion. No rest for the wicked, but even less when you're wicked and bad.


24/05/05 - Los Angeles
Woke up at 8.45am today. We travelled down to Warner Bros HQ near the Warner Bros Studios with the water tower to do a 3 song showcase for some important industry people. After this, we dropped into 'In N Out Burger' - a bit like Maccy Dee's but without the buffling due to a beautifuly simple takeaway menu. Our lovely LA contact Jessie explained that there are secret menus that you can request if you know about them - 'cheeseburger meal animal style' (erm, more meat I think) and 'hamburger meal protein style' (get more lettuce or something). Don't know if it really is an underground phenomenon or a clever marketing ploy but either way it gets people coming back for more.

We headed over to a studio to do an interview for an internet music channel called M+. After that was done, we set off to Melrose to check out crazy trainer, leisurewear, vintage t-shirt, toy and music shops. Decided to invest in a pair of fluorescent orange Adidas trainers for 50 'bucks'. Wicked. It was Doctor Cum's (our sound engineer who presses buttons and stuff) birthday the day before so we enjoyed beers and food out on the verranda till the early hours. Thing is, it probably wasn't even that late, it's just the heat, alcohol, jazz and heavy meals that knock us out.


23/05/05 - London/Los Angeles
It was a long flight on Virgin Atlantic VS007. To keep myself busy I immersed myself in films for as long as I could keep my eyes open. At certain stages, I wished I hadn't bothered and just passed out instead. Watched 'Elektra', 'The Machinist', 'I Luv Huckabees' then bits of 'The Office' and 'Alan Partridge', of course. On the way over we saw Greenland and glaciers floating about - that was nice. Maggot referred to it as his "Oasis of Calm". Sadly, the grown-ups at Virgin Atlantic seem to have decided to take 'Greatest Hits' off their virtual jukebox. Well, it was nice while it was there. It's hard to think of people flying all over the world at 100,000 feet listening to 'Your Mother's Got a Penis', although it does make me smile.

Managed to sleep for about 45 minutes before turbulence brought me round with a start. We landed in LA at about 4pm. Good to be back. All of us were was in the same kind of zombiefied state - just wandering round with vacant expressions on our pale faces. I can remember enjoying an amazing steak sandwich, going to a toy shop, wandering past the world famous Viper Room and then hitting the Hustler Sex Superstore on Sunset Boulevard. They had some kind of crazy leather harness in the window that you strap your loved one into. Someone mentioned that although it was a good idea, the whole act of setting it up then trying to convince your partner to climb in while you strapped them up and span them round just sounded too much like hard work. I mean, you'd only have to take it down again afterwards.


22/05/05 - Newport/London
Right, so I'm on the side of a boat and this bloke with scuba gear and a wetsuit jumps out of the water onto the deck but he's got grey skin and his jaw drops open to reveal row after row of sharp, serrated teeth. The Skipper on the boat explains that I should stay away cos he used to clean swimming pools but the chlorine made him go mad and now he thinks he's a shark and he goes round attacking people. A shrill squealing noise causes the Shark Man to clutch his head and fall to the floor but the same noise seems to dissolve the boat, the sea and anything else I was previously aware of....

I wake up to the sound of the mobile going off - it's Eggy finding out if I've packed anything yet. We've got to go to London today to be ready for Heathrow tomorrow. Thank fuck for that.

Oh, in addition Billy, Adam, Ballo, Rosco P, Maggot and assorted footsoldiers popped down to Upton Park for the Soccer Six Charity Football Tournament. Those crazy boys obviously showed some form of talent as they got through to the quarter finals. Well done lads. The rest of the not-so-fit stragglers (including your humble narrator) set off down to Heathrow to meet the others a bit later on. From here we would rest and set course for the New World aka the US in a flying aluminium tube with wings on the morrow.

Shit, nearly forgot. Saw a late night documentary on C4 too called 'American Movie' following the exploits of one hellbent maverick amateur moviemaker Mark Borchardt and his mate Mike Schank. This is by far one of the funniest fucking things I have ever seen. If you get the chance, check it the fuck out.


21/05/05 - Newport
It's the last weekend before we return back to the States so I'm trying to prepare by keeping my head down. Lack of cash and a need to rest before a long journey overseas means I'm spending more time than ever in bed. It's great this online diary lark, I feel like Doogie Howser MD on drugs he should have prescribed to his patients.


20/05/05 - Newport
Another night of complete carnage saw me regaining consciousness on Adam's floor. After untangling myself from the Hoover and trying to figure out what happened last night, I decided the best thing to do would be to head back and try and get my head back on straight. Woke up again at about 5.30pm and went for some lovely food as it was my bro's birthday this month as well. Ambassador, with all these lovely birthday celebrations in the same month you are really spoiling us. And Ambassador, we've got no cash left due to the same bloody reason.


19/05/05 - Cardiff/Newport
Woke up with a horrible head on due to drinking piss poor quality vodka last night. Apparently, any vodka triple-distilled means that it's purer resulting in less of a wonky head the next day. However, I couldn't find any last night so just stuck with the nasty stuff. I seem to remember a Russian game show where viewers sent in amazing clips of self endurance - a bit like 'You've Been Framed Extreme' where a bloke downed a bottle of vodka in one at breakfast. Saying that, there was also another bloke who held his daughter over a balcony by her hair, a kid who could dislocate his own arms and a man who could survive huge bursts of electricity that would normally kill a man. Hang on....that last one might have been on the Paul Daniels Magic Show Christmas Special but you get the idea.

It was Eggsy and Billy's birthday today so I needed to head back Portwise. Down Ye Olde Murenger, the Eggs was presented with a number of wonderful gifts including but not limited to: an orange plastic visor with battery-operated fan attachment inscribed with the legend 'BLOW ME', an alien egg complete with baby alien that started flashing disco lights when banged on the table and a cheap DVD title called 'Zombie Lake' involving undead nazis that rise up from their underwater graves and go on a killing spree. I got him the zombies.

Billy went on holiday, the lucky lad.


18/05/05 - Newport/Cardiff
Kept a promise to a mate of mine in Cardiff about having a jazz and going to watch 'Hitchhiker's'. I'm glad I did, it was quality. Don't know if it would be to everyone's taste but if you read the books or watched the original 80's version, it's well worth a look. A visit to the Old Monk by the train station meant hooking up with ladies who'd been out on the lash since 5pm so a crash course in speed drinking was necessary to get us on the level. Safe.


17/05/05 - Newport
Down John Frost Square today, heard one old lady turn to another and explain her honest opinion concerning Big Issue sellers, "I don't like it when they say 'thank you' when you don't buy one, it sounds like they're taking the piss.....". Priceless.


16/05/05 - Newport
Got in late last night and must have left 'Akira' on but can't remember anything about it. A day of little or no activity punctuated by bursts of climbing into bed fully clothed, sighing deeply and then giggling to myself. Just for fun.


15/05/05 - Newport
Quick cup of tea and a jazz then off to Kwik Fit as they're the only ones open on a Sunday. Dude from Kwik Fit reckoned all my tyres were wrecked, the tracking was way off and the stereo was shit. Mind you, he was very diplomatic and even replaced 4 tyres for the price of 3 so I couldn't complain. Glad to have got that sorted. Saying that though, it was more of a trauma knowing there was something wrong and driving round than it would be without knowing at all. Truly, ignorance is bliss but not permanently and certainly not in the world of motoring.

Was going to see 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' but lost track of time due to it not getting dark and me thinking the afternoon would last forever so headed back to Newport. It was Hattsy's birthday today so we all stormed down the Murenger pub for a drink off. It's not like I need an excuse to get horrifically drunk but it's good and soothing to my sober conscience when it's legitimate. When last orders was called, we headed down to the Meze Bar by which time certain members of the assembled party had started sloping off into the night. At this stage I can only remember laughter, Hattsy smashing things up in Adam's back garden and falling into a hedge and something about UFO's over Newport. What a splendid night.


14/05/05 - Back in the Port
Got back to Newport at 6.30am. I was uncomfortable enough to abandon the Mothership, get in the car and drive home.

Woke up at about 4.15pm so decided to go to Cardiff for a cider-based rave up. The car started making proper fucking strange noises so pulled into a car park to check all round and underneath - nothing. Drove off, weird noises again. Stopped and had another look. I'd stopped in the middle of turning round and that was when I spotted strands of metal poking through the inside rubber of the front right tyre. For fuck's sake, it was ready to go at any minute. Made a conscious effort to drive carefully to Cardiff and made a mental note to see Mr. Mechanical in the morning.

Watched 'Napoleon Dynamite' tonight. Fucking amazing.


13/05/05 - Student Ball, Derby Uni
I can remember very little of this day. It seemed to be separated solely by impenetrable barriers of natural unconsciousness. One thing I need to explain to people is that of all my addictions, my greatest is probably stupidly excessive amounts of sleep. It doesn't really make any sense: You can't remember that much about it when you've done it, it doesn't make you feel that much better after it and it wastes great amounts of time too.....but I fucking loves it, I does. I dream a lot too....but I might go into that some other time. Anyway, I slept most of the way there and spent a little while longer in bed. I can recall thinking that I had some kind of important test to go to but upon regaining consciousness, realised I had 20 minutes to get my shit together before doing the gig.

At this stage, I really didn't have much of a clue what was going on but I had a great time anyway. I hope I always will.

Oh, one thing I did notice (apart from the ladies' lovely ball gowns again) was that they'd fenced off a small duck pond next to the bus. They must have known we were coming.


12/05/05 - Newport
After my adventures in Newport yesterday, I decided it was time to venture further afield in search of good quality leisurewear for the Summer. Gilesports is alright but focuses on 'sports' as opposed to 'leisure'. Aldi or Lidl have hilarious colourful clothes from across the continent that either fall apart after the first time you use them or last for 10 years but give you some form of unpleasant genital rash. So, it's back down to faithful TK Maxx for a Maxx-Attack.

There's nothing more embarrassing than browsing the bargain rail at a mass discount shop like TK Maxx but I fucking loves it. It's like trying to haggle in a charity shop. Low doesn't mean you can't go lower. I've seen kids in here skiving school and tearing off security tags with their teeth. After a while of doing the whole 'looking through aisle after fucking aisle' of shit clothes, I departed with some form of Puma space jacket and a pair of FUBU jeans. Nice.


11/05/05 - Newport
Popped into the Port proper today. Haven't had the chance to have a decent wander round town in ages. In the space of 2 and a half hours, I witnessed a man being threatened with physical violence by the back entrance to the Kingsway, a rather dramatic domestic dispute by the Bus Station and a foreign man in Vacara's Fish and Chips (by John Frost Square) not buying anything but standing by the counter muttering something about 'peace and love' and then explaining he was having difficulty with the language. When the sun's shining, everyone has a great time in Newport.


10/05/05 - Newport
Yes my selector. Went to see Humurak D Gritty and Skinnyman at Cardiff Uni tonight. Fucking quality. Even their local support act was top notch too - didn't catch their name but it was a crew of three with one beatboxing, one scratching and one lad doing both. Shit hot. Saw Pritchard from Dirty Sanchez, sounds like those boys are doing alright in the States. Apparently they've been forced to change the name of the show to 'Team Sanchez' so as not to offend the delicate sensibilities of American viewers. For fuck's sake, it's not so much the name of the show as what those boys do to themselves they should be worried about. "A rose by any other name would still nail his bollock bag to a piece of wood...."


09/05/05 - Newport
Don't know what happened last night, must have just switched off like. Had another one of those crazy relaxy baths and felt like I was made of rubber. Did some internet science, tried to install an external hard drive, fucked it up, lost some work, swore loads, punched a wall, then went back to bed. Unsafe.


08/05/05 - Back in the Port
So I set my alarm at 2pm and woke up at 4.45pm. Good lie in but that fucked my body clock up completely. Had to take it easy so spent most of my time in a physical, mental and spiritual recovery position. It's crazy just how much damage you can do after only a week. I've lost my voice, my knees are fucked to the extent that I had to crawl up the stairs on my front and I couldn't think properly. Every time I had to use my brain, it felt like I was bashing a hornets nest and loads of things would just go buzzing around in completely different directions.

There's only one answer: get in nice. Preparation is the key to getting in nice. You can't just have a jazz and expect everything to fall into place, you've got to make it happen. So I called the Railway Tandoori for a delivery, enjoyed some cups of tea, set up the DVD player, played with the cat from next door, ran a bath with some deep tissue muscle soak relaxant stuff and made sure my bed's ready for me to collapse into it. When everything's set, you just drift from one world to another. Safe.


07/05/05 - Student Ball, Aberystwyth Uni
According to Maggot and Leeroy Fashions, the view out of the bus on the way down to Aber at 6 in the morning was amazing - all fields, sea, sheep and shafts of daylight as the sun came up. In fact, they've worked out that between them, they've been the only ones left up at the end of the night all week long. Good work boys - last men standing.

We popped down town to have a wander about and get some munch. I can't recall ever being here before but it seemed really nice. Classic seaside vibe that I've always enjoyed. It might be the sea air or the pace of life. Fuck knows. Had a look at some castle thing, laughed at the crazy golf, popped into the arcade on the pier. Wandered back again to have a jazz.

Between Eddie Mercury, The Stereotonics, The Likeness, Jools Holland and the Chain, it seemed like there was quite a selection on entertainment wise. Went to have a look at Eddie Mercury as Bohemian Rhapsody came on - fucking amazing like. He even had a 'Flash' Gordon vest on and (what I assume were) a pair of false teeth in to complete the look. Quality. Campy on-stage antics right down to waving half a microphone stand around. Our showtime came around and we had to board a minibus to take us to the other side of the campus. What happened next can only be described as savage animals making all sorts of noises in a confined space when confronted by all or some of the following a). fit birds in lovely ball gowns b). any kind of flashing lights or loud noises c). the smell of the burger vans. At least we're top of the food chain.

We got back to the Port at around 5.30am. Sleep was my only option.


06/05/05 - Afan Lido, Port Talbot
The late night activities of the previous evening had taken their toll and I rolled out of my bunk somewhere round 3pm. Very wonky, lethargic, head full of cotton wool vibe. Uggghh. Not a lot went on today. Game of 'Circle of Death' (GLC Keepie-Ups). I seem to recall going for a lie down in Duffryn (our name for the back lounge on the bus, where all the crazy parties happen) and being very quiet.

After the show, we hooked up with Pumpkin who I had the pleasure of meeting outside the Strongbow Rooms at V last year. Together with a group assembled of Chain members and heads, we went off in search of wreck-up. Two minibuses later and we're back at Pumpkin's mate's gaff for draw and absinthe. I've got some idea as to why it's illegal in the States now.


05/05/05 - International Pavilion, Llangollen
Check out the date: 050505. Gotta be special and it was - my 2028th birthday. Hooray. Oh, and something about an election, though stuff like that doesn't matter when you're on the bus. Duty calls early on with the exciting-sounding 'Glamour' magazine. Ooooh, dirty. I thought it was a cheap porn mag like 'Razzle' but apparently it's what all the posh birds read. Why have all porn mags got one word titles...? Maybe it's to reduce embarrassed waiting time at corner shops when you're asking for specialist publications. Not that I'd know or anything.

The 'Glamour People' took us deep into the heart of Llangollen that reminded me of Chepstow: Like Eggsy says, the kind of place you'd expect to see a unicorn gallop past you at half-six in the morning. We stopped for a well deserved pint in the local before actually doing any work where I was surprised and delighted to be presented with a set of amazing samurai swords by the rest of the Chain. Now I really could become the 'Naked Warrior Who Dances At The Gates Of Dawn'. Nienke gave me an original Banksy piece that looked like a skeleton driving a car. Fucking brilliant...! Wandering back through town, we stopped and had pictures taken on giant wooden mushrooms (!), had pictures at the railway station and even took up the offer of a free haircut/beard trim from some bemused hairdressers curious at the army of leisurewear clad soldiers aimlessly pottering round their town.

We got back to the venue to have a proper look around. The structure itself is amazing - like a giant Cornish pasty-shaped spaceship that's crash landed in a random field. Inside, there's a stage big enough for 5 Axl Roses to comfortably run round on, let alone our motley crew. Sadly, the venue seemed to be designed specifically for orchestras and harpsichord recitals as opposed to loud noises and screamed obscenities so the crowd couldn't really hear us properly. Then again, they could see us alright so it wasn't all bad.

Inevitably, carnage commenced on the tour bus till the early hours. Climbing into my bunk, I can remember pulling the covers tightly around me and all at once being aware of one solid universal truth.....the only thing that rhymes with orange...........is minge. Night all.


04/05/05 - Press Day, Blackpool
Got hammered last night and still reeling from substances unknown flowing through my system, me, Adam Hussain and our nice press lady Nienke decided to hit the Dr. Who exhibition in Blackpool. Fucking amazing. I'd recommend it. They've got all sorts of crazy shit. Check out Adam doing his best impression of a sexy dalek here.

After a surreal voyage into camp sci-fi, we wandered back to the buses and got ourselves all sorted to meet people from 'TV Quick'. These lovely people took us lucky people into Blackpool's Pleasure Beach complex. Hell yeah. Take a look at these....

     
'Ice Blast - Feel the Frozen Fizz'...? Fuck that, that's not what was coming out of my fucking trousers. Good crack though, recommend it to anyone. I mean, just take another look at my face.


03/05/05 - 53 Degrees, Preston
So after the extravagance of last night's ravings and the bus moving fun, we find ourselves in Preston. I like Northern towns. Perhaps it's the cobbled streets and crazy back alleys. Perhaps it's the top quality chip shops and abundance of cod, I don't know. Either way, one thing is clear: Dr. Karl Kennedy (aka Alan Fletcher) of 'Neighbours' fame is coming to Preston soon. I always enjoyed it when he got his acoustic guitar out in Lou's Place - you knew you were always in for a treat. Oh, the show seemed to go down quite well too.


02/05/05 - GLC Forum @ Fleece, Bristol
Yes kids, word is born. To all the heads who popped down to see us last night (digitally or otherwise), a big shout out from us to you all. Despite the possibility of science working against us and the potential for various Chain members collapsing onstage due to alcohol consumption, dehydration and general unfitness, the night was a great fucking laugh for all. Those who survived the carnage were even treated to Pot Noodles handed out outside.

Highlights of the night are too numerous to mention but I'll try my best - let's start with GLC karaoke where volunteers are asked to sing along to some Chain classics. A good idea that soon descended into scenes reminiscent of the coliseum in Ancient Rome where those that forgot the words were shouted at whilst those successful in their singing endeavours were elevated to godlike status. The support band for the evening were 'Anal Birth' who travelled all the way from Wichita to be with us, bless 'em. Strangely enough, they reminded me of some of the other members of the Chain though I don't know why. Eggsy even managed a keyboard solo with them too. To top it off, we can't forget the one, the only Bibs of the GLC Forum receiving a well-deserved accolade and dancing onstage to his favourite Chain Choon of all time: Rollerdisco.

I'm happy to say that the GLC managed a record one and three-quarter hours set to the delight of the assembled crowds of smiling faces. If only all of my nights could be as good as this....oh hang on, forgot to mention that en route to Preston last night, the bus broke down on the side of the roundabout and we had to be herded onto another bus close to five in the morning. Mind you, we laughed about it today. No really. Tune in tomorrow for more reports on how today went, if that makes any sense. Rave it up!


01/05/05
Greetings weary travellers...! Welcome to 'Mysty's Mystic Musings': A subtle blend of inspired thoughts, fantastic tales, world-changing ideas and cheap sarcasm. Here I'll be trying to keep you informed of our movements like some urban guerilla outfit deep in the heart of the Los Angeles underground. And lo, from the Mayeth Day on, Mysty didst try to keep his musings up to date....ding dong. Mysty, over and out.